Had a visitor today...

[Tomcat33]

I will tell you our situation.. H was TOTALLY oblivious to just about EVERYTHING except his work... Where do I start?

• hasnt slept with his wife in 3 years
  
• hasnt had a "date" in longer
  
• hasnt EVER taken a day off of work to say, hey honey, let's do whatever
  
• thought he was "givng her space" to make her happy. BEFORE ME
  
• nothing in common except kids
  
• DIVIDE AND CONQUER with kids
  
• skipped family vacation this year
  
• typical H works, W cooks (half meals were from me)
  
• no friends for him, except 1
  
• Many friends for her, Girls Nite Out (with me)
  
• etc, etc, etc
  
• TOTALLY NOT IN TUNE

 

 

Unbeleivable!! How many couples must live in seperated states like that and really think "everything's fine, not perfect but fine"

 

Now what about from you prespective though Stamp how did you do it for so long? How do you cope with the holidays, weekends, not waking up next to her not being able to say "hey hun let's load the car this weekend and take off for a romantic b&b in that quaint little town we love..." or how do you cope with never having been on vacation together, my goodness some of the best parts of being with someone is having future plans to take off somewhere exotic for a week where you can disconnect from the rat race and just be with the each other and the new surroundings.." and what about something as simple as not being able to call her when you want to, that must be such a tremendous killer.

 

I remember when our EA started and his wife would be home from a business trip (which was rare she was always away) he would call me from his garden and talk to me and it drove me batty I hated having to lie to her like that, hated the sneaking and that feeling of doing something so ceedy it was so not like either of us but it was how we had to communicate if we wanted to hear each other's voices and it was CRAP. Luckily it was only a few times and I broke contact after that then he moved out and we started dating down the road but that alone was enough to drive me insane it gave a glimps into a world I NEVER want to be a part of again...I can't imagine years like that?

 

It takes a strong person to deal with that Stamp I really have a form of respect, as twisted as that my sound to some, for those that can pull off something like that in the name of love. it is a big sacrifice you have made for another human being all morals and "wrongness" aside I think it is the utlimate form of unconditional love. Something a lot of people don't have for one another in a typical romatic relationship. Kids yes romance no.

 

Hiiiiiii Lyssa!!! I hear ya sista!

[stampdaddy]

Unbeleivable!! How many couples must live in seperated states like that and really think "everything's fine, not perfect but fine"

 

Now what about from you prespective though Stamp how did you do it for so long? How do you cope with the holidays, weekends, not waking up next to her not being able to say "hey hun let's load the car this weekend and take off for a romantic b&b in that quaint little town we love..." or how do you cope with never having been on vacation together, my goodness some of the best parts of being with someone is having future plans to take off somewhere exotic for a week where you can disconnect from the rat race and just be with the each other and the new surroundings.." and what about something as simple as not being able to call her when you want to, that must be such a tremendous killer.

 

I remember when our EA started and his wife would be home from a business trip (which was rare she was always away) he would call me from his garden and talk to me and it drove me batty I hated having to lie to her like that, hated the sneaking and that feeling of doing something so ceedy it was so not like either of us but it was how we had to communicate if we wanted to hear each other's voices and it was CRAP. Luckily it was only a few times and I broke contact after that then he moved out and we started dating down the road but that alone was enough to drive me insane it gave a glimps into a world I NEVER want to be a part of again...I can't imagine years like that?

 

It takes a strong person to deal with that Stamp I really have a form of respect, as twisted as that my sound to some, for those that can pull off something like that in the name of love. it is a big sacrifice you have made for another human being all morals and "wrongness" aside I think it is the utlimate form of unconditional love. Something a lot of people don't have for one another in a typical romatic relationship. Kids yes romance no.

 

Hiiiiiii Lyssa!!! I hear ya sista!

 

OK, I am sure I will get slammed, but honesty is honesty... Just about everyother Sunday morning, I would wake up at 6:30 to 7:00 am with her crawling into bed with me.. and typically she would be there until 3:30 - 5:30 in the afternoon.. Many Saturday afternoons for golf. Every Mon-Fri typically 9:30-4:30, a couple date nites thru the week, an over night every once in a while, 6 trips to great places... BAM, Full blown relationship

King bed for them, pillows in between, no sex, no touching, no cards, no romance, no fun, no sharing, no caring... SO, anybody could see how I thought this thing was OVER between them. I mean, who in the hell wants that kond of relationship????? Obviuosly now, HIM..

 

I would send food home, started early on, I love to cook.. So, the kids would eat healthy, good home cooked meals, I would help the youngest get ahead in school (kindergarten and 1st grade) with "homework packets" I would make, tennis rackets for the girls, baseball tickets for the boys (including H) ***I would go on but dont want to piss anybody off***

[Tomcat33]

OK, I am sure I will get slammed, but honesty is honesty... Just about everyother Sunday morning, I would wake up at 6:30 to 7:00 am with her crawling into bed with me.. and typically she would be there until 3:30 - 5:30 in the afternoon.. Many Saturday afternoons for golf. Every Mon-Fri typically 9:30-4:30, a couple date nites thru the week, an over night every once in a while, 6 trips to great places... BAM, Full blown relationship

King bed for them, pillows in between, no sex, no touching, no cards, no romance, no fun, no sharing, no caring... SO, anybody could see how I thought this thing was OVER between them. I mean, who in the hell wants that kond of relationship????? Obviuosly now, HIM..

 

I would send food home, started early on, I love to cook.. So, the kids would eat healthy, good home cooked meals, I would help the youngest get ahead in school (kindergarten and 1st grade) with "homework packets" I would make, tennis rackets for the girls, baseball tickets for the boys (including H) ***I would go on but dont want to piss anybody off***

 

WOW I'm speachless!! (and the folks that know me around here know that's rare)

 

Yup full on relationship indeed!

[stampdaddy]

WOW I'm speachless!! (and the folks that know me around here know that's rare)

 

Yup full on relationship indeed!

 

it would take 3 1/2 years to tell the story, as everyday we wrote a story.. I remember November, 2005, they had to go to a family wedding out in San Francisco, with a Napa Tour... I STILL TO THIS DAY can get sick about.. She called me crying one morning from the lobby of the hotel, saying that he was all upset because he had initiated YOU KNOW, and she ran out.. It had been 8 months since the last time, and he was starting to wonder what was going on... only took him almost 2 more years to figure it out.. A year before, Nov. 4th, 2004, HE actually called my cell phone, wondering why in the hell he jutst receive a $1000 cell phone bill from her phone, all to one number, MINE... The nect month, $900 bill.. So, I gave her one of my phones. Case closed

[Ms. Red]

Ha Ha on the Avatar S.D. I've used that on my Messenger picture. I have 2 other F-U Baby's I also use. LoL

 

So, I was wondering with all the time your Baby spent with you, her kids must be old enough to take care of themselves after school? Since the H was working? My son is 12 & I just started about 6 months ago letting him stay at the house alone every once in a while when I would run a quick errand or something. I wouldn't have thought of having him come home to an empty house. I have my work schedule so I'm home before he is. Just curious.

 

You know, that list you made sure sounds like what my marriage was. My H & I were basically roommates.

[stampdaddy]

Ha Ha on the Avatar S.D. I've used that on my Messenger picture. I have 2 other F-U Baby's I also use. LoL

 

So, I was wondering with all the time your Baby spent with you, her kids must be old enough to take care of themselves after school? Since the H was working? My son is 12 & I just started about 6 months ago letting him stay at the house alone every once in a while when I would run a quick errand or something. I wouldn't have thought of having him come home to an empty house. I have my work schedule so I'm home before he is. Just curious.

 

You know, that list you made sure sounds like what my marriage was. My H & I were basically roommates.

 

Yes, 1 of them were old enough for the first hour, she was home by the timefor the youngest to get off the bus.. no worries there..

 

roomies at best

[reboot]

You had to home cook meals to send home with her so her kids could eat healthy? mmmmkay.....

[LifesontheUp]

Sorry............but after reading more of your story it still boils down to her being with her husband. Her choice was NOT to leave him. Can't you see that despite what you meant to each other, she has put her husband BEFORE you.

 

How can you live like that? Hoping that she'll eventually make you her choice..........her 2nd choice after all.

 

You sound like such a nice genuine guy. I hope that you are not still waiting and hoping in 3 1/2 years time.

[LifesontheUp]

You had to home cook meals to send home with her so her kids could eat healthy? mmmmkay.....

 

I can't say much about the food or the other stuff like making her kids things.......other than its f**ked up

 

Surely you can see that???????????

[Owl]

What you've proven with all of your information SD is that they are "out of synch".

 

And that he's possibly suspected something, but likely didn't want to believe that his wife could be cheating on him.

 

The bottom line is this...none of that makes her affair "ok".

 

If she was so unhappy...she should have filed for divorce long ago.

 

I'm also very curious...what was their relationship like BEFORE they met you?

 

Also...have you asked HIM when the last time they slept together was? Odds are pretty good she's telling you whatever can 'justify' the affair. She might be telling the truth. At this point, she might also be firmly convinced of all this stuff herself, when her husband and her kids see things MUCH MUCH differently. One of the biggest 'signs' of an affair is that 're-written marital history'.

 

I agree, it sounds like they don't have a great relationship. Nor have they had one for the last three years. Again, this is all based off what you've described...mostly based off what she's said to you.

 

At the end of the day...does that make cheating ok?

 

What steps has she taken to fix the situation, besides sleeping with you?

 

What steps have YOU taken...as their friend...to fix this bad situation you've described?

[stampdaddy]

What you've proven with all of your information SD is that they are "out of synch".

 

And that he's possibly suspected something, but likely didn't want to believe that his wife could be cheating on him.

 

The bottom line is this...none of that makes her affair "ok". NOPE

 

If she was so unhappy...she should have filed for divorce long ago. My take, WHY, when we BOTH made it easy for her to not "rock the boat"

 

I'm also very curious...what was their relationship like BEFORE they met you? more of the same, 3-4 years before me.. Especially the last 2

Also...have you asked HIM when the last time they slept together was? Odds are pretty good she's telling you whatever can 'justify' the affair. She might be telling the truth. At this point, she might also be firmly convinced of all this stuff herself, when her husband and her kids see things MUCH MUCH differently. One of the biggest 'signs' of an affair is that 're-written marital history'. HE TOLD ME

 

I agree, it sounds like they don't have a great relationship. Nor have they had one for the last three years. Again, this is all based off what you've described...mostly based off what she's said to you. I've seen and heard enough to know...

At the end of the day...does that make cheating ok? NO, NO, NO

What steps has she taken to fix the situation, besides sleeping with you? ???

 

What steps have YOU taken...as their friend...to fix this bad situation you've described? ??? sorry

[stampdaddy]

You had to home cook meals to send home with her so her kids could eat healthy? mmmmkay.....

 

You read that wrong OR maybe I said it wrong

[reboot]

I would send food home, started early on, I love to cook.. So, the kids would eat healthy, good home cooked meals

You tell me....

[stampdaddy]

Sorry............but after reading more of your story it still boils down to her being with her husband. Her choice was NOT to leave him. Can't you see that despite what you meant to each other, she has put her husband BEFORE you.

 

How can you live like that? Hoping that she'll eventually make you her choice..........her 2nd choice after all.

 

You sound like such a nice genuine guy. I hope that you are not still waiting and hoping in 3 1/2 years time.

 

Right now, she has out her FAMILY before me, which, yes, includes him.. He has asked for time without me in the picture. Even as of this week, he thinks that her and I have a "Plan"... So, she wants to give him the time to prove that is NOT about me, but about them... Although I will agree that it's kind of impossible to do that since I am the white elephant in the room...

[stampdaddy]

You tell me....

I said it wrong.. I would send home cooked meals...

[reboot]

You said it like they wouldn't eat healthy, home cooked meals if you didn't provide them. Any man that sent meals to my house would wind up with a drumstick up his.....

 

This just gets weirder and weirder....

[LifesontheUp]

She called me crying one morning from the lobby of the hotel, saying that he was all upset because he had initiated YOU KNOW, and she ran out.. It had been 8 months since the last time, and he was starting to wonder what was going on... only took him almost 2 more years to figure it out..

 

You see, I don't get it. They sleep in the same bed, yet they haven't had sex in 3 years. Seems to me its very confusing because he has been trying or did they do it the 8 months before. Who knows eh?

[Tomcat33]

Wait! Her H told you they were not having sex?

 

 

You see, I don't get it. They sleep in the same bed, yet they haven't had sex in 3 years

 

are you kidding? It happens A LOT. go in the marriage forum or any public forum that discusses marital/intimacy problems not rare at all.

[LifesontheUp]

Right now, she has out her FAMILY before me, which, yes, includes him.. He has asked for time without me in the picture. Even as of this week, he thinks that her and I have a "Plan"... So, she wants to give him the time to prove that is NOT about me, but about them... Although I will agree that it's kind of impossible to do that since I am the white elephant in the room...

 

Oh come on, she knows full well that if she left her husband, he would believe it was because of YOU.....whether its now or later. Sorry, that just sounds like an excuse. There is more stopping her leaving than she's admitted to you.

 

Please don't wait another 3 years for her, it'll be such a waste of your valuable time. Life is too short as it is.

[LifesontheUp]

Wait! Her H told you they were not having sex?

 

 

 

 

are you kidding? It happens A LOT. go in the marriage forum or any public forum that discusses marital/intimacy problems not rare at all.

 

What I'm trying to highlight is that he said it had been 8 months since the last time? Does that mean 8 months since the last time they had sex? The dates don't tie up......from what I read anyways.

[stampdaddy]

What I'm trying to highlight is that he said it had been 8 months since the last time? Does that mean 8 months since the last time they had sex? The dates don't tie up......from what I read anyways.

 

Back in Novenber 2005, he tried, she said no, it had been around 8 months before then that they did last, so Feb or so 2005.. Almost 3 years...

 

Either way, I feel as maybe I have "opened up" too much here.. We were at a point where I thought I was understood, and the relationship her and I share was understood enough that MAYBE, just maybe I would be seen, although a OM, and her a MW, that what we had HAS A CHANCE. That maybe she is home with her Family (Kids) and honoring H's and the Counselors request of TIME, and NC with me. She has made no promises, other than time and NC (but hasn't kept it), and NOW it is MY job to make sure she does, because I want an end to this thing one way or another. She has worries, as she should, hasnt worked in a long time, how can she support the children, what will he try to do? BUT, She doesnt wear her ring, they are not "trying", he still thinks she has a plan to leave and this thing isnt going anywhere fast.. The Holidays will be tough for all of us, but the absence from me will be trying and telling during these times...

 

So, I have opened up too much and I'm sorry... Thanks for all of the kindness

[whichwayisup]

The only way this is going to turn out on a positive note for you is to stay in NC mode and make it VERY clear to her that you won't be part of her life, ever, UNTIL the divorce papers are signed. Anything short of that will only keep you as the OM and her married.

 

For your sake I hope it works out because you are a good man SD.

[norajane]

OK, I am sure I will get slammed, but honesty is honesty... Just about everyother Sunday morning, I would wake up at 6:30 to 7:00 am with her crawling into bed with me.. and typically she would be there until 3:30 - 5:30 in the afternoon.. Many Saturday afternoons for golf. Every Mon-Fri typically 9:30-4:30, a couple date nites thru the week, an over night every once in a while, 6 trips to great places... BAM, Full blown relationship

King bed for them, pillows in between, no sex, no touching, no cards, no romance, no fun, no sharing, no caring... SO, anybody could see how I thought this thing was OVER between them. I mean, who in the hell wants that kond of relationship????? Obviuosly now, HIM..

 

I would send food home, started early on, I love to cook.. So, the kids would eat healthy, good home cooked meals, I would help the youngest get ahead in school (kindergarten and 1st grade) with "homework packets" I would make, tennis rackets for the girls, baseball tickets for the boys (including H) ***I would go on but dont want to piss anybody off***

 

So you spent all that time together 5 and 6 days a week, and you've never met her kids? Who was taking care of them during that time?

 

ETA - oh, I saw your reply to Ms Red. I'll refrain from making any comments about her parenting.

[Owl]

Your relationship with her DOES have a chance...

 

...a <3% chance at best.

 

Which might explain why all the advice I've given to you up to this point is about focusing on taking care of yourself, helping yourself deal with things, and planning things out to move on.

 

The other part of it is this...I don't agree with affairs. I don't agree with all that it took for the affair to go on this long (3 plus years of lies, deception, hiding, etc...).

 

I'm not condemning you. I don't condone your actions, and I hope that you'll take the time to stop and THINK about all that's gone on for so long rather than just sit there in the mire of emotions that you've been in.

 

I've offered you the best advice that I could. I totally understand the pain you're in...hence why I've made suggestions on how to handle it...and how to minimize it.

 

Make sense?

[stampdaddy]

The only way this is going to turn out on a positive note for you is to stay in NC mode and make it VERY clear to her that you won't be part of her life, ever, UNTIL the divorce papers are signed. Anything short of that will only keep you as the OM and her married.

 

For your sake I hope it works out because you are a good man SD.

Thank you WW.. While I admit I should not have been in an affair, somehow I believed that I was'nt... I think because I always believed that she was on her way out.. Maybe she still is, I think she is.. This period of time while they settle things out, now especially after being caught, kind of reminds me of when the Space Shuttle is returning from orbit, it enters this "Black Out" period of NC with the earth, and basically everyone is holding on to the seat of their pants... Well, here we are.. Coming back down to earth...

 

I hope it works out for me too, because I know what kind of man she has helped me become, not that I was a bad guy before, it's just that I LOVE LOVING HER