Confused9 Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Hello, I am looking for some perspective on me situation...This is going to be LONG...Please read through so I can get some help : ) My fiance cheated on me about 3 months ago. He was in another state working to pay for our wedding and a couple of weeks in to it he cheated. He started acting very strange and I caught on to it about a month in to it. When he came home to visit for a weekend (I did not know about his cheating yet)he broke up with me saying he wasn't in love with me anymore and wanted to be friends. Then he took it back and I was so confused I spent the rest of the weekend trying to make sense of it all. We slept together when he was home and he was all lovey dovey after the fact telling me to go forward with the wedding, etc. When he went back to the other state for work he didn't call until Thurs (he left on a Monday) at that point I had left him messages saying I am moving out if you don't call...once I said that we talked. He said he is going through some things in his head and doesn't know what's going on. I was just so confused I had no idea what to think. Finally that weekend I checked his messages and heard her on the voicemails. I confronted him about them and he said she was just a friend and he NEVER cheated. That Monday he admitted he did. When he admitted it he said he wanted to make us work and felt like this whole trip was a nightmare. He said he told me all these things when he came home about not wanting to marry me b because he was so guilty. He told me he only kissed a girl once and continued to insist the girl on the voicemails was just a friend. He tried to make it work with us for only a short time then broke it off saying it would never work, I'll never trust him again...blah blah. He would not talk to me when I wanted to talk to him and would only call me during the day (dur...sign right there). He broke up with me and said he would talk to me because I am his best friend, etc. Then he started getting mean. Posting mean quotes up on myspace saying things like, 'break the chains that hold you back.' I just woke up from a nightmare now it's time to live' etc. Hurtful hurtful things. He would text message me and email me but we never spoke and when I asked for answers he wouldn't give them to me. A couple of times he would be nice and say things like you were the best thing that ever happened to me. The 7 years I spent with you were never a lie I loved you more than anything, but we are too different, etc. Finally he text messaged me 'here's closure, I'm going to be a dad. I am in love with another woman someone who knows how to treat me.' He also told me he never cheated on me...it was just a way to get rid of me. I was the worst thing that ever happened to him...leave him alone. So...I have...I have left him alone since then. NC for almost 3 weeks. I was just on myspace and noticed he commented one of our friends and said, 'what's up...freedom rocks!' now, he could be talking about something else but I am assuming he is talking about me...he knows I can see these comments. 1. How is he free? He is having a baby!!! 2. Why is he trying to hurt me, still. 3. Why is he trying to make people think I am/was a bad girlfriend? I just don't understand why he is so angry at me. I tried to make it work with him. I love him. He never gave me that chance. Our relationship was not bad. I NEVER held him back...I mean maybe financially we couldn't do things we wanted to...but we were planning a wedding we needed to save money. He never gave me or anyone else in our lives and indication that he was unhappy. He would always say how proud he is going to be to be my husband and that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He was always so open with his love for me. We fought...like any normal couple...but nothing crazy. I just don't get why he is being so mean and saying what he is saying to me. He is the one who left me after 7 years together and a wedding planned for Oct 08 and he is the one who barely spoke to me about it and just texted emailed. Why is he so mean? Why does he want to hurt me? How do I go on? Trust again? He is with another woman...he says he loves her...why still mess with me? Hurt me? PLEASE HELP! He said I was mean and a bad girl friend and he never loved me. He told me that I only cared about myself and my family. He then would apologize and say he doesn't know why he's being so mean, etc. Then he would go back to being mean.
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 I actually am thinking he is being a sh*t to you on purpose so you'll get over him. I hate that you're in so much pain, I know from the last few days of your postings, this is absolutely killing your heart and I wish I could wave that magic wand to take away all this pain you're in.. I hope someone has some other thoughts, some answers, but sadly, I don't think anyone really knows why he's doing this - He doesn't really know either..So he claims.
Author Confused9 Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 Thanks whichway...I wish you had that wand too. It's like...if you got a girl preggo...would you really be saying freedom rocks? Why is he trying to bash me...I haven't even done that to him. People are making up there own opinions of him. He is being terrible to me.
abeliever Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Confused9 Hey count your lucky stars it's not you that is pregnant. Sure the pain is real and unbearable. But look how much worse it could have been if you both was pregnant and he picked her! Wow! I would be thankful you found out now before marrying the jack-ss verses in a year or 5 years and kids in tow. Sometimes tragedy can become our friends. We just have to be open enough to see it. Hoping the pain gets better, hang in there. abeliever
Author Confused9 Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 I know it would be much worse if we had kids but it still just hurts so bad. I just wish I knew his reasoning. Why he was so mad at me?
Virgo1982 Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I would honestly have to say his guilt is the main factor. He knows he was wrong. You two have mutual friends. Your story makes it blatantly obvious that he was in the wrong. So, he is projecting these feelings on to you and trying to make your friends think you were responsible for the disaster. If I were you, the only thing I'd be sorry about is wasted time. He is not a real man because he doesn't have an ounce of strength in him. WWIU is not the only one who wishes they had magic wand because he is not worth the time of day. Do not-under ANY circumstances-let him see you sweat. The best revenge is living well and I want you to get him back REALLY good. Think about the future...That relationship isn't going to make it either. Why? Because he's in it... I feel sorry for the kid. Having to rely on such a character to shape his/her own character. I am soooooooo glad you aren't with him anymore.
Author Confused9 Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 thanks Virgo. I apprecaite your kind words. I wish that wand existed for all of us. The thing is...he should feel guilty...what he's done is terrible. It's just awful. He should have to feel that and not run away like he has to another state with no one who knows the story. It's disgusting how he dropped me so fast. I appreciate everyone saying he doesn't deserve me. Unfortunately, after whathe's done I feel like I don't deserve anything. It's so hard.
Author Confused9 Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 thanks Virgo. I apprecaite your kind words. I wish that wand existed for all of us. The thing is...he should feel guilty...what he's done is terrible. It's just awful. He should have to feel that and not run away like he has to another state with no one who knows the story. It's disgusting how he dropped me so fast. I appreciate everyone saying he doesn't deserve me. Unfortunately, after whathe's done I feel like I don't deserve anything. It's so hard.
Virgo1982 Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 thanks Virgo. I apprecaite your kind words. I wish that wand existed for all of us. The thing is...he should feel guilty...what he's done is terrible. It's just awful. He should have to feel that and not run away like he has to another state with no one who knows the story. It's disgusting how he dropped me so fast. I appreciate everyone saying he doesn't deserve me. Unfortunately, after whathe's done I feel like I don't deserve anything. It's so hard. I wouldn't tell you what you want to hear so you can lie to yourself. I'm going to look at the situation and tell you what I see. It is almost impossible for you to look at this situation from a logical standpoint and not see that his actions are unfounded. That means you have been relieved of his sorry a$$. It's human nature for feelings to compete with logic-believe me, I know...But you can not blame yourself for his insecurities. Someone who doesn't love themselves can not love you. What you have to do is focus on healing and growing so you can live your life. It seems impossible right now and though it's not easy, each day, it becomes easier. You'll see.
Author Confused9 Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 I can't wait till it gets easier. To top it all off his b-day is this weekend. I am NOT going to call him but I want to so bad. It's amazing how someone can hurt you that bad, yet I still want to call him and wish him a happy birthday. What an idiot I am? I just love him and have no real closure because he wimped out. Everytime I think I want to be with him I try and remember what he has done to me for the past 3 months. It doesn't matter what he did before that...because he has been so terrible to me it shouldn't matter anymore. That person I knew is no longer around. He was replaced by the devil it seems. I just can't wait till I can wake up and not feel worthless. I know a lot of that will come with therapy, etc. but I know it will come with time too. I can't let him ruin my life. He is happy...I think??? I should be too.
harleygirl92156 Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I know it would be much worse if we had kids but it still just hurts so bad. I just wish I knew his reasoning. Why he was so mad at me? If you know his reasons and find out why he is so mad at you is it going to make your pain any less???? NO.....let it go hon and count your lucky stars, the situation could be much more complicated.
whichwayisup Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 No, you are not an idiot, you have big kind and loving heart which he is one day going to realize he threw away. You will be fine once you've healed...It just takes time. Alot of time, alot of crying, letter writing, (theraputic reasons only, never send him the letters), more crying and talking to friends, posting here. Promise me one thing - Do this daily - Make yourself have fun daily and have afew laughs. This will perk you up as you can't be sad and down all day and all night. See a movie with a friend, make sure it's a funny and stupid one though!
michaelk Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 My take on it (with very limited information) is that:He did cheat. Being out of town and not calling for days, refusing to talk to you at night, the voicemails and his hot/cold behavior.He probably knew the girl was pregnant long before he told you. Being torn between his engagement to you and the pregnancy of the other woman, he swung wildly back and forth trying to decide what to do.His anger during the decision period (before the final breakup) came in part from his guilt about cheating, but also came from a feeling of being trapped and out of control.His continuing anger and meanness even after the breakup is from ongoing guilt. It's easier for him to be defensive than to admit the enormity of his f**k up. BUT (agreeing with WWIU here) it also seems as if he's pushing you away intentionally. Maybe he wants to be sure you don't stick your nose into things, because it would be awful if everyone knew the truth of what he had done. Or - dare I suggest - maybe he's hurting you on purpose with the idea that you'll get over him more easily if you hate him?I'll be the first to admit that this is all speculation, but you seem to be looking to understand the seemingly senseless behavior of your ex, so here is one possible interpretation.
Trimmer Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 His continuing anger and meanness even after the breakup is from ongoing guilt. It's easier for him to be defensive than to admit the enormity of his f**k up. I think this is key. Being honest with himself would be too painful, as he would have to take responsibility for his actions, admit they were choices he made, and recognize the enormity of his transgressions. It's a natural defense mechanism to put up a front of anger, and throw some blame around. It distracts him from his responsibility for his choices, and he desperately needs that distraction to keep him from drowning. Realize that his meanness, his anger, even the things he says directly about you, are not really about you. They are his brick wall to try to keep out the awful noise that pounds him constantly. This is about him, his choices, and his mistakes. Keep your confidence that you are still who you always were.
Virgo1982 Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I can't let him ruin my life. He is happy...I think??? I should be too. If he were happy, he would not be concerned about you at all. He definitely wouldn't go out of his way to be mean to you-He wouldn't care. In the future, you two will look at this situation with two totally different outlooks. He'll be regretful, and you'll be relieved.
justice Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Thank your lucky stars you got out of marriage with this a--! I know this sounds trite but it is true, in a while you'll find someone else who will treat you so much better than this guy and you'll wonder what you ever saw in the a-- in the first place. Better you find out he was cheating now than after you married him. Best wishes on your brand new life free of this jerk!
Mz. Pixie Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I actually am thinking he is being a sh*t to you on purpose so you'll get over him. I hate that you're in so much pain, I know from the last few days of your postings, this is absolutely killing your heart and I wish I could wave that magic wand to take away all this pain you're in.. I hope someone has some other thoughts, some answers, but sadly, I don't think anyone really knows why he's doing this - He doesn't really know either..So he claims. WWIU is right, as usual! He's acting like this because he has to to justify his terrible actions. Honey, consider this a GIFT!!!! Because if this guy would cheat on you during your engagement then he would most certainly cheat on you after marriage. Cut your losses on this one. Trust me, one day you will look back and be so glad that you got away from him. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, and you probably don't believe me, but it will be like that. Because obviously he's not the one for you. Later on you'll meet someone who deserves you and will treat you right and then you'll say "What did I ever see in that SOB?"
dreamininginred Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Hi confused, I was a cheater, I am so sorry your fiance did this to you. But it means that he is selfish and not happy with himself. That's why I cheated. People who cheat aren't happy, something is broken inside them. I know this is painful, but you are better off without him, as he will continue this behavior until he finds out why he is so unhappy with himself and with life, and fix it. You don't want to marry someone like him. Find a guy who is happy with his life and with himself and who you can completely trust. Good luck to you.
michaelk Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I actually am thinking he is being a sh*t to you on purpose so you'll get over him. WWIU is right, as usual! He's acting like this because he has to to justify his terrible actions. I don't think WWIU was saying that he was trying to justify his actions. Just that he wants her to get over him. Why does he want this? Is it so she won't come knocking on his door and disrupt his new life? Is he painting her as horrible so his friends and family will feel he was justified in what he did? Or is it something else? I think this is the crucial thing that, unfortunately, we can only guess at.
Author Confused9 Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 If he were happy, he would not be concerned about you at all. He definitely wouldn't go out of his way to be mean to you-He wouldn't care. In the future, you two will look at this situation with two totally different outlooks. He'll be regretful, and you'll be relieved. Well besides the myspace quote...Freedom rules which may or may not be about me we have had NC...he has not tried to contact me at all for 3 weeks now...maybe he doesn't care? I am slowly trying to respond to all of you! : )
Author Confused9 Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 I don't think WWIU was saying that he was trying to justify his actions. Just that he wants her to get over him. Why does he want this? Is it so she won't come knocking on his door and disrupt his new life? Is he painting her as horrible so his friends and family will feel he was justified in what he did? Or is it something else? I think this is the crucial thing that, unfortunately, we can only guess at. If he is happy with is new life it just doesn't seem fair. How could he 'pretend' to love me for so long to only realize after he cheated that I was a BAD person or anythign else he says? It just doesn't make sense. I guess I just don't understand how cheaters can do these thigns to people...the just go on living happily ever after with someone else like their old partner never even existed. I just don't understand how he doesn't miss me and contiuously wants to hurt me. I didn't do anything to deserve this. Again, I was not perfect...and we had our fights or whatever...but no one deserves to be treated this way.
Author Confused9 Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 No, you are not an idiot, you have big kind and loving heart which he is one day going to realize he threw away. You will be fine once you've healed...It just takes time. Alot of time, alot of crying, letter writing, (theraputic reasons only, never send him the letters), more crying and talking to friends, posting here. sometimes I feel like he will NEVER realize that. That makes me very sad. It's like I never meant anything to him! : ( Promise me one thing - Do this daily - Make yourself have fun daily and have afew laughs. This will perk you up as you can't be sad and down all day and all night. See a movie with a friend, make sure it's a funny and stupid one though! I will try...I promise I will try.
michaelk Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 If he is happy with is new life it just doesn't seem fair. How could he 'pretend' to love me for so long to only realize after he cheated that I was a BAD person or anythign else he says? It just doesn't make sense. I guess I just don't understand how cheaters can do these thigns to people...the just go on living happily ever after with someone else like their old partner never even existed. I just don't understand how he doesn't miss me and contiuously wants to hurt me. I didn't do anything to deserve this. Again, I was not perfect...and we had our fights or whatever...but no one deserves to be treated this way. No, it's not fair. No, it doesn't make sense. I had an affair, but in my situation our marriage of many years had reached a sorry state where my wife and I hardly spoke to each other. We lived in the same house, but that was about the extent of our connection. In a case like that, I can see how someone might walk away and create a new life with someone else, leaving their old life behind. I didn't do this, but I can certainly see it happening. But I haven't heard anything about your relationship that helps me understand why your ex is behaving this way. And he's going even farther than this by actively trying to hurt you after the fact - so unless you were just a brutal bit** and abused the hell out of him (which you weren't), this behavior is really puzzling. You're right, you don't deserve this. But whatever he's doing, it's not really about you. It's about him. His guilt, his deception, his f**k up, his inability to man up to what he's done. So stop beating your head against the wall. Don't let your happiness rest in the hands of someone like that, because he's never going to give you the answers you want anyway.
Author Confused9 Posted December 13, 2007 Author Posted December 13, 2007 Thanks Michael. I just wish I knew what the h*ll is going on in his head. I mean, I am not going to say I was perfect in our relationship - as I wasn't but I NEVER EVER put my hands on him and did not treat him badly. We fought...we struggled to pay our bills....we had hardships...but we loved each other. He made me feel like I was the best thing in the world up until he cheated. Part of me thinks he's just guilty about what he did and can't get over it. But, knowing me and how I am sensitive and how he was my first real love and my first sexul partner, knowing that I had and continue to have trust issues, especially with men because of my father. How can he continue to treat me like dirt. Why is he trying to justify cheating be saiyng I was mean to him? I know you can't answer these ?'s but they just keep running through my head. It's like...is she the one for him? Has he found his soulmate or is this something to pass the time and get him through this? How can he love her already. He DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HER!!!! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rooster_DAR Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Thanks Michael. I just wish I knew what the h*ll is going on in his head. I mean, I am not going to say I was perfect in our relationship - as I wasn't but I NEVER EVER put my hands on him and did not treat him badly. We fought...we struggled to pay our bills....we had hardships...but we loved each other. He made me feel like I was the best thing in the world up until he cheated. Part of me thinks he's just guilty about what he did and can't get over it. But, knowing me and how I am sensitive and how he was my first real love and my first sexul partner, knowing that I had and continue to have trust issues, especially with men because of my father. How can he continue to treat me like dirt. Why is he trying to justify cheating be saiyng I was mean to him? I know you can't answer these ?'s but they just keep running through my head. It's like...is she the one for him? Has he found his soulmate or is this something to pass the time and get him through this? How can he love her already. He DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HER!!!! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! From someone who knows... When people cheat or have affairs, they are in a state of chaos and vacillate between guilt and justification. The have times where they feel terrible about their actions and question their love for you, and other times they are on the chemical high that comes with cheating. Ultimately I believe they lean more on the side of justifying there behavior, and go as far as blaming you for all of the problems. My EX was coming up with all kinds of groundless accusations and claims of being the victim, when in fact she could not face the fact that she was the crucible of her indifference. Like the other posters stated, it's about them and the problems they have, you are just the collateral damage here. I know it's hard to see at this point but you must gather your dignity up and come to realize you are the better person here. It took me over a year of soul searching and trying to find out why I failed the engagement, and ultimately realized that she was the problem not me. I still have some issues with losing 4 years of my life with someone I really loved, but I deserve someone who can meet me halfway in sharing a life of love, truth, and commitment without playing silly immature games, so do you. Cheers!
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