My complicated mess...

[RDTT]

I'll start with the facts, and then get to my opinions towards the end of this post. Sorry in advance for the length, I'll do my best to keep it as short and concise as possible.

 

This past Saturday night I "hooked up" with my best friend's brother (we'll call him Dan, and my best friend Erica). Dan is a married man with a 4 year old daughter. Saturday was his daughter's birthday party. After the party Dan, Erica, Erica's gf, and myself went back to Erica's house for somewhat of an after party. Dan's wife was suppose to come along with their daughter; but she never showed up. I should also add that I know Dan's wife very well; as we went to high school together. The whole night Dan was very flirtatious with me; which was not uncommon as he always has been. I never interpreted the flirting for anything more than just joking around, yet I always enjoyed it. Well Saturday night we were left alone, which has never happened before oddly enough. So we where in the basement playing pool, having some drinks. While Erica was upstairs; she was very intoxicated, and had her girlfriend taking care of her. I cannot speak for Dan, but I was no where near being drunk. I'm tend to be a slow drinker. Anyway, Dan and I start talking and he's telling me how much he hates his wife because she has cheated on him 10 times (that he knows of), and broke their daughter's arm. Most of this I know to be factual, because I have witnessed his wife cheating on him on several different occasions with several different men. As for his wife breaking their daughter's arm.. well their daughter told me herself when I asked her how she got such a pretty pink cast. The answer was "Mommy pushed me and I fell". Dan was also expressing his emotions of how long he has liked me, and how I drive him crazy every time I'm around since he never gets a chance to talk to me privately. Recently I moved one state to the South, so I visit on the weekends that I can. My parents also live in the same area. Dan had expressed to me that if he knew he wouldn't be alone it would be much easier for him to leave his wife. Basically his fear of isolation vs. intimacy, and how his Daughter is his number one priority. Dan and I stayed up until 4 AM in the basement "hooking up", playing pool, and talking. In the middle of each kiss I pulled away, and told him how I felt that what we are doing is wrong. Yet I could not stop myself. I find myself very attracted to him on much more than a just a physical level. Which leaves me very conflicted as I'm sure you can tell! Well we finally went to sleep. I was positioned on the futon in Erica's bedroom, and Dan was on the couch in the living room. Erica's girlfriend was still awake when I entered the bedroom, so we talked for a little bit. I could not bring myself to tell her what had just happened, so I told her a MUCH shorter version with most of the details left out. Erica's girlfriend then went downstairs to use the bathroom, and I could hear her talking to Dan. Shortly after she came back upstairs and started calling my name asking me if I was awake with the bedroom light turned on. I was sitting up on the futon looking at her the whole time with a confused look; in fear of what they had just conversed over. Apparently Dan had asked her if he could share the futon with me, that he was offended no one had offered the futon to him, and now had to sleep on the couch. My jaw dropped and I was in shock! The only word I could get out of my mouth was... "WHAT?!?". Fast forward to morning I woke up around 10 am, and Dan's wife had already picked him up. I spoke with Erica and her girlfriend about Dan wanting to share the futon with me. They associated it to the alcohol, and assured me that I shouldn't be worried. HA! They don't believe he'd try anything with me. I did my best to look relieved, and left for my parents house.

 

There are many more details, but I feel I've covered the basics. So onto my opinions... Well I find this situation to be complicated, because all of the people involved I'm very close with, and have know for several years. I feel horrible for to having to withhold the truth from my best friends! And worst of all I feel like a bonafide home wrecker. I understand my decision was not a good one. I'm just not sure where to go from here. These are people that I am very close with, and will be seeing very often. Currently I feel I need to talk to Dan while we're both sober. To help determine if this was just a one night deal, or what is going to happen from her on out. When it comes to my Erica, Dan's wife and Erica's girlfriend... I'm at a complete loss.

 

Any and all opinions, insights, perspectives are GREATLY appreciated!

-RDTT

[Lishy]

Ok here is my perspective .....

 

You are not a home wrecker as you are not in a relationship, he is

 

On a second note though, I am glad you are not my friend! I am also glad you are not around my man ... You are lying to everyone.

 

Forget this joke of a man and let him get on with his miserable life, him and his girlfriend are very well suited, both liars and cheats!

 

Thats my insight!

[Meaplus3]

I'll start with the facts, and then get to my opinions towards the end of this post. Sorry in advance for the length, I'll do my best to keep it as short and concise as possible.

 

This past Saturday night I "hooked up" with my best friend's brother (we'll call him Dan, and my best friend Erica). Dan is a married man with a 4 year old daughter. Saturday was his daughter's birthday party. After the party Dan, Erica, Erica's gf, and myself went back to Erica's house for somewhat of an after party. Dan's wife was suppose to come along with their daughter; but she never showed up. I should also add that I know Dan's wife very well; as we went to high school together. The whole night Dan was very flirtatious with me; which was not uncommon as he always has been. I never interpreted the flirting for anything more than just joking around, yet I always enjoyed it. Well Saturday night we were left alone, which has never happened before oddly enough. So we where in the basement playing pool, having some drinks. While Erica was upstairs; she was very intoxicated, and had her girlfriend taking care of her. I cannot speak for Dan, but I was no where near being drunk. I'm tend to be a slow drinker. Anyway, Dan and I start talking and he's telling me how much he hates his wife because she has cheated on him 10 times (that he knows of), and broke their daughter's arm. Most of this I know to be factual, because I have witnessed his wife cheating on him on several different occasions with several different men. As for his wife breaking their daughter's arm.. well their daughter told me herself when I asked her how she got such a pretty pink cast. The answer was "Mommy pushed me and I fell". Dan was also expressing his emotions of how long he has liked me, and how I drive him crazy every time I'm around since he never gets a chance to talk to me privately. Recently I moved one state to the South, so I visit on the weekends that I can. My parents also live in the same area. Dan had expressed to me that if he knew he wouldn't be alone it would be much easier for him to leave his wife. Basically his fear of isolation vs. intimacy, and how his Daughter is his number one priority. Dan and I stayed up until 4 AM in the basement "hooking up", playing pool, and talking. In the middle of each kiss I pulled away, and told him how I felt that what we are doing is wrong. Yet I could not stop myself. I find myself very attracted to him on much more than a just a physical level. Which leaves me very conflicted as I'm sure you can tell! Well we finally went to sleep. I was positioned on the futon in Erica's bedroom, and Dan was on the couch in the living room. Erica's girlfriend was still awake when I entered the bedroom, so we talked for a little bit. I could not bring myself to tell her what had just happened, so I told her a MUCH shorter version with most of the details left out. Erica's girlfriend then went downstairs to use the bathroom, and I could hear her talking to Dan. Shortly after she came back upstairs and started calling my name asking me if I was awake with the bedroom light turned on. I was sitting up on the futon looking at her the whole time with a confused look; in fear of what they had just conversed over. Apparently Dan had asked her if he could share the futon with me, that he was offended no one had offered the futon to him, and now had to sleep on the couch. My jaw dropped and I was in shock! The only word I could get out of my mouth was... "WHAT?!?". Fast forward to morning I woke up around 10 am, and Dan's wife had already picked him up. I spoke with Erica and her girlfriend about Dan wanting to share the futon with me. They associated it to the alcohol, and assured me that I shouldn't be worried. HA! They don't believe he'd try anything with me. I did my best to look relieved, and left for my parents house.

 

There are many more details, but I feel I've covered the basics. So onto my opinions... Well I find this situation to be complicated, because all of the people involved I'm very close with, and have know for several years. I feel horrible for to having to withhold the truth from my best friends! And worst of all I feel like a bonafide home wrecker. I understand my decision was not a good one. I'm just not sure where to go from here. These are people that I am very close with, and will be seeing very often. Currently I feel I need to talk to Dan while we're both sober. To help determine if this was just a one night deal, or what is going to happen from her on out. When it comes to my Erica, Dan's wife and Erica's girlfriend... I'm at a complete loss.

 

Any and all opinions, insights, perspectives are GREATLY appreciated!

-RDTT

 

Good golly you just made my head spin here! A friend to Erica? I don't think so! Leave Dan alone as he's not your's he your so called friend's, HUSBAND!

 

AP:)

[RDTT]

I'm not sure why I'm defending myself, but here goes... As I said I'm not proud of my decision, and have posted here for insight and advice of how to handle this situation to avoid innocent people from being too destroyed. I understand hurt is going to happen, but reinforcing what I have already said really doesn't get anything accomplished. Also there will be no way for me to "leave Dan alone" if I am to remain friends with his sister(Erica).

[Meaplus3]

I'm not sure why I'm defending myself, but here goes... As I said I'm not proud of my decision, and have posted here for insight and advice of how to handle this situation to avoid innocent people from being too destroyed. I understand hurt is going to happen, but reinforcing what I have already said really doesn't get anything accomplished. Also there will be no way for me to "leave Dan alone" if I am to remain friends with his sister(Erica).

 

Well then you need to tell Erica about what is going on with Dan. If you can't do that then end the friendship. But if you end the friendship out of the blue then I'm sure Erica will wonder why, don't you think?

 

 

AP:)

[Lishy]

You are not Erikas friend, you dont lie to friends!

 

Here is how to handle it - KEEP AWAY FROM HIM!

 

No one gets hurt, job done!

[RDTT]

Much easier said than done! Especially when you happen to be the one holding the $hit, and aiming at the fan!

[Lishy]

After a few kisses why is it easier said than done?

 

She wants to know how to stop the hurt and I have told her

 

Stay away!

 

He doesnt want her anyway he just wants to get back at the woman he really loves and the OP will just end up losing her friend, her friends brother (not that she ever had him anyway) and her self respect

[RDTT]

Difficult to confront Erica with this situation. Whatever Dan's motive may be doesn't change what happened. Which is part of the reason why I wanted to confront him before making my next decision. Is that not a good move? All of my rational thoughts flew out the window Sunday morning.

[Lishy]

Hang on ..... What decisions do you need to make?

[RDTT]

I need to decide how I am going to confront Erica and possibly Dan's wife....

[Meaplus3]

I need to decide how I am going to confront Erica and possibly Dan's wife....

 

I am confused?? I thought Dan and Erica where married and you are suppose to be their friend? If I miss read your post, please excuse me.

 

AP:)

[RDTT]

Erica is Dan's younger sister. I am much closer to Erica (Dan's younger sister) than I am to Dan's wife. I am mostly concerned about the friendship between Dan's younger sister (Erica) and myself.

[Meaplus3]

Erica is Dan's younger sister. I am much closer to Erica (Dan's younger sister) than I am to Dan's wife. I am mostly concerned about the friendship between Dan's younger sister (Erica) and myself.

 

Gottcha! Gosh this is a mess!! Why don't you sort of back off for a while then. Don"t end the friendship, but rather put some space there.

 

AP:)

[NoIDidn't]

Complicated? Not so much.

 

Here is what "I" suggest:

 

1. Tell Dan that the other night was an absolute mistake and will never happen again. And make sure that it never happens again.

 

2. Tell Erica about what went down between you and her brother since she is your best friend and it is her brother. She needs to know what might go down with her family as a result of the other night.

 

3. I don't know about telling Dan's W just yet. If it really doesn't ever happen again, I don't see why you need to tell her.

 

Because you know all of these people really, really well. And are quite integrated into their lives on some level. It may be best to let sleeping dogs lie for the time being. Especially if it never happens again.

 

This could have been a bonafide one-time deal. Let's hope so. Because if it does happen again - be forewarned - things WILL get ugly.

[Cobra_X30]

I am confused?? I thought Dan and Erica where married and you are suppose to be their friend? If I miss read your post, please excuse me.

 

AP:)

 

Ah, I missed that one too!

 

I need to decide how I am going to confront Erica and possibly Dan's wife....

 

Ok, so you have factual evidence that Dan's wife is pretty worthless.

 

Now, Erika, who is Dan's sister, and your good friend, needs only the basic info at this point.

 

So, step one. Find out how interested Dan is in persueing a relationship. Please make sure and let him know that you wont do anything with him as long as he is married!!!!

 

Step two... If you and Dan both agree that there is something worth going after... and he is willing to get a divorce... then make sure you fill in Erika. She will probably be happy for her brother... cause he would be ditching his crappy wife for a good friend, and happy for you too.

 

Step three... when divorce papers are signed and in hand... begin a relationship with Dan!

 

There problem solved!

[RDTT]

I will confront Dan, and I have every intention of finding out exactly where he stands in this situation. After that I'm thinking I'll have him come with me to explain it to his younger sister (Erica)... After all he was there too, and is responsible for telling her just as much as I am! I think it will also make it easier if I don't have to walk into the fire pit alone. Erica is also VERY close to Dan's wife, which is another reason I would prefer for him to be there. That way everyone will be on the same page, and clear decisions can be made.

 

I must say I'm feeling much more confident and relaxed! Thank you all so much! Please keep your thoughts coming, as I will keep this updated. I'm hoping to talk to Dan this upcoming weekend...

[Cobra_X30]

Erica is also VERY close to Dan's wife, which is another reason I would prefer for him to be there. That way everyone will be on the same page, and clear decisions can be made.

 

Good plan overall!

 

I don't understand how she can be friends with a woman who cheats on her own flesh and blood brother!

 

I own a .45 and a shovel. I would remind her of that every time I saw her! Cheat on my brother... no way!

 

Erika must not be much of a sister! Or Dan is kind of a douche, or something.

[RDTT]

I don't understand how she can be friends with a woman who cheats on her own flesh and blood brother!

 

I cannot give you a definite reason on that. My guess is it has something to do with knowing the wife since High School, and the fact that the wife gave her a niece.

[Lyssa]

I cannot give you a definite reason on that. My guess is it has something to do with knowing the wife since High School, and the fact that the wife gave her a niece.

 

Even if my SIL gave me 5 nieces and nephews, if I found out she cheated on my bro - I'd tell her off. Even now, I make it clear to all my siblings (in-laws included) what I would do if any of them cheated on one another.

[OpenBook]

I will confront Dan, and I have every intention of finding out exactly where he stands in this situation. After that I'm thinking I'll have him come with me to explain it to his younger sister (Erica)... After all he was there too, and is responsible for telling her just as much as I am! I think it will also make it easier if I don't have to walk into the fire pit alone. Erica is also VERY close to Dan's wife, which is another reason I would prefer for him to be there. That way everyone will be on the same page, and clear decisions can be made.

 

I must say I'm feeling much more confident and relaxed! Thank you all so much! Please keep your thoughts coming, as I will keep this updated. I'm hoping to talk to Dan this upcoming weekend...

 

My advice? Let sleeping dogs lie!! Chalk it up to the alcohol (like everyone else is doing), and don't say nothin' to nobody. A tell-all session might backfire on you, and you will be accused of hitting on Dan... even though it was the other way around. As you can see from the threads in this forum, the woman always loses in this kind of situation (where the MM strays) and gets made out to be the "bad guy" -- and HIS behavior is either ignored or justified.

 

If the incident still bothers you, have a private conversation with Dan if/when an opportunity presents itself... but don't make a big deal out of it! A sharply-worded verbal message to him should be all it'll take to JERK A KNOT IN HIM so he'll never pull that again. If he even REMEMBERS the incident...

 

On the other hand, if you have feelings for Dan, and you're just trying to find out how he feels about you... all bets are off. Most likely, Dan has already exhibited this kind of behavior toward other women besides you. It is apparently no secret that they're having marital problems. I highly doubt he is attracted to you just on your own merit. There are all kinds of red flags around him. I don't think you want to go there!!

 

Good luck! I hope you keep your GF friendships preserved in all this. It's the only thing that really matters, in the end.