comicgirl Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Back tracking a few months ago, the A I was having with my BFs H ended. I told my H who handled the matter gracefully. My BF was never told. All 4 of us have remained friends. We attend each others parties, etc. I told my extended family that I would hold the christmas party at my house this year. My dining room however, needed to be worked on and be painted, new trim, sanding, etc. I had asked my H to do it about a million times but he never did so I was doing it myself. I get a call from my exMM telling me that his W liked the colors I had picked out for my house and could he borrow the brochure? While trying not to be angry that they were stealing my choices, I told him to come by and get it while I was at work. I work 12 hour shifts, when I came home MM was there. He had spent nearly all day there, sanding, painting, etc. while my H was home with the kids. I almost died. We are NOT involved at all. We have maintained a friendship of sorts that I could live with. Then I find out that he paid for every bit of paint ($54.99 a gallon cause he wanted me to have the brand I wanted) and trim. He was over here busting his can to have the room done in time for the party. ALL WHILE MY H JUST SAT THERE! I let him do it but aren't sure of his reasons. I had tried to argue with him to not do it but he just said he wanted to do it for me. His W was okay with him doing this. I am blown away. I think he did it cause he is sorry for being a jerk but he said he just wanted me to be happy. Any thoughts???
Tomcat33 Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Sounds like he is trying to keep your mouth shut from telling his W.
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 This is one seriously screwed up situation and fact is 3 of you know about the A, it is unfair that the one person left, the betrayed person, is left in the dark. You all are making a FOOL of her, sorry, but keeping the friendship going like nothing ever happened is just not cool. Eventually the truth will come out and when it does, she will be devastated and pissed at ALL of you from keeping it from her. You and your H need to distance yourself from both of them, the friendship that is there is unhealthy and is being built upon some serious betrayal.
Cobra_X30 Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 I told my H who handled the matter gracefully. My BF was never told. All 4 of us have remained friends. We attend each others parties, etc. I had asked my H to do it about a million times but he never did so I was doing it myself. I We are NOT involved at all. We have maintained a friendship of sorts that I could live with. Then I find out that he paid for every bit of paint ($54.99 a gallon cause he wanted me to have the brand I wanted) and trim. He was over here busting his can to have the room done in time for the party. ALL WHILE MY H JUST SAT THERE! I let him do it but aren't sure of his reasons. Comic, there are so many things wrong here... I dont even know where to start. I'm not sure how you can expect your husband to do anything for you... Actually I'd be suprised if he really cared about you at all. Now in regards to the drunk who you were cheating on him with... I think he is just keeping his booty call options open.
Ms. Red Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 She may be your best friend but that's only because she doesn't really know you. And your H not caring about the OM in his house is just twisted. As Cobra stated, maybe your H thinks your just not worth it? I don't understand how you 3 can carry on like everything is ok. Your BF needs to be told the truth so she can kick your fake friendship out of her life.
Author comicgirl Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 I have thought that my H really shouldn't care and maybe I wasn't worth it. But by ending the A and telling my H I moved forward and thought I was being mature by being able to maintain the friendship. It was MMs decision not to tell his W. I guess I thought that if she was told, it would only be selfish on my part so that I would feel better and not guilty any more. I would rather her not know and it be something I have to live with. Why make her suffer? She did nothing wrong. If MM continues to cheat on her well, that's his relationship.
Cobra_X30 Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I have thought that my H really shouldn't care and maybe I wasn't worth it. But by ending the A and telling my H I moved forward and thought I was being mature by being able to maintain the friendship. It was MMs decision not to tell his W. I guess I thought that if she was told, it would only be selfish on my part so that I would feel better and not guilty any more. I would rather her not know and it be something I have to live with. Why make her suffer? She did nothing wrong. If MM continues to cheat on her well, that's his relationship. So why do you still expect your H to bend over backwards and do all this stuff for you? I'm glad that MM stepped in... but its pretty much proven that he has less than honorable reasons. Here is the deal, if you dont respect your husband... let him go! You deserve someone that you can respect... and he deserves someone that loves him!
NoIDidn't Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I dunno...could it be that your H just sat there and watched because he feels like he is owed this and more from the man that was messing around with his W? I don't think his sitting there has much to do with his feelings for you. He may still be fighting the urge to beat the OM into a pulp.
White Flower Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I dunno...could it be that your H just sat there and watched because he feels like he is owed this and more from the man that was messing around with his W? I don't think his sitting there has much to do with his feelings for you. He may still be fighting the urge to beat the OM into a pulp. Comicgirl, On a slightly different note: was the fact that your H is so freaking neglectful around the house in any way a factor in your cheating on him? He really doesn't sound like a man to me, sorry. I totally saw my H sitting there when I read this story.
OWoman Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Comicgirl, On a slightly different note: was the fact that your H is so freaking neglectful around the house in any way a factor in your cheating on him? He really doesn't sound like a man to me, sorry. I totally saw my H sitting there when I read this story. Yeah I must say I shared WF's response to the description of your H, CG. If this is his style I can understand you looking elsewhere - and if the helping out is your OM's style, I can understand why you went there to get that need met. If this is the pattern, I think it shows that however you've moved on, the underlying stuff is still there, unchanged, and you need to decide whether you're prepared to settle for that or find something better. On the other hand, it could be a response to (rather than a cause of) the A, in which case I'd tell him to be a grown up about it and either come out with what's bugging him or get with the programme. I certainly wouldn't put up with that kind of behaviour, and I'd happily empty one of the expensive cans of OM paint over H. If he's just going to be ornamental rather than useful, he may as well fit in with the colour scheme.
Author comicgirl Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 Well, my H has never done anything around the house repair-wise. He expects us to live Home Beautiful magazine and me to do it all. He is a great father but not so much a great husband. No one likes to think that their W runs around on them, which is what I talked about to him last night. I asked him to come out with what the deal is and how we can mend it. Was it the MM being over to work on the house? Does he want to beat his a**? Does he want a divorce??? I'm sure that he feels that MM owes him one too. MM just called me to ask me if I was working on painting the rest of the trim. I'm feeling that working on the house is an excuse to see me. Nothing is going to take place. We have discussed that many times. I don't go over to his house at night unless it is with my H. I am not hanging out there unless MM is at work. I just don't have the desire. My lack of guilt over the A has eroded and now I just act like it never happened.
silktricks Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I hope his W is OK. It's hard for me to see you refer to her as your best friend, as you didn't act in a friendly manner.... however, I understand that you see it as her husband's place to tell or not tell. (But if she ever does find out, unless she's pretty unusual, there is going to be a regular volcano that is going to encompass all three of you.) Now, for the question you asked. It seems to me that your husband probably is angry - and therefore sat while your ex-affair partner worked on your house. Most men I know would have kicked him out, but your H is made of different stuff. The ex-MM? You know him better than anyone of us, and therefore probably have a more accurate opinion of what makes him tick. My best guess would be that he feels guilty over what happened, likes you and does want you to have what you want. In my opinion, though, his guilt should be directing him to give his wife what she wants. The whole situation would be a bit much for me....
Author comicgirl Posted December 19, 2007 Author Posted December 19, 2007 So, since I obviously cannot trust MM (or myself for that matter) since I know what we are capable of, I have stopped taking the phone calls from him that have started up again. I saw him last night when I was visiting my friend and said nothing to him except the usual pleasantries like Hi, Bye. He just called and I think NC is the best way to go as far as him asking me what is wrong. I just don't want anything to do with him. I have been proud of myself since MM and I broke up that I was trying to do better by my friend. She asked me to take MM shopping so I could help him buy a Xmas gift for her. He acted like such a cheap, classless jerk the whole time. I even told him that "this is sick on so many levels that I don't know where to start". I did it for my friend so she would have something to open on Xmas. He behaved so horribly at the mall that when he wanted to stop at the party store and get beer I actually thought about driving away and leaving him to walk home. He disgusts me now.
bestadvisor Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 So, since I obviously cannot trust MM (or myself for that matter) since I know what we are capable of, I have stopped taking the phone calls from him that have started up again. I saw him last night when I was visiting my friend and said nothing to him except the usual pleasantries like Hi, Bye. He just called and I think NC is the best way to go as far as him asking me what is wrong. I just don't want anything to do with him. I have been proud of myself since MM and I broke up that I was trying to do better by my friend. She asked me to take MM shopping so I could help him buy a Xmas gift for her. He acted like such a cheap, classless jerk the whole time. I even told him that "this is sick on so many levels that I don't know where to start". I did it for my friend so she would have something to open on Xmas. He behaved so horribly at the mall that when he wanted to stop at the party store and get beer I actually thought about driving away and leaving him to walk home. He disgusts me now. You actually said yes to that? I think you're being very selfish because you don't want to deal with the confrontation with your friend and you don't want her to know the real you and what you have done. Keeping her in the dark like that is just horrible. How can you sleep at night? You continue to make a fool out of her by acting like nothing ever happened.
White Flower Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 You actually said yes to that? I think you're being very selfish because you don't want to deal with the confrontation with your friend and you don't want her to know the real you and what you have done. Keeping her in the dark like that is just horrible. How can you sleep at night? You continue to make a fool out of her by acting like nothing ever happened. Well, the good part about it is she truly wanted to please her girlfriend AND her xMM is distgusting to her. Comicgirl, is there any way you can bring yourself to tell your girlfriend about her WH? It might hurt and you might lose her, but now you are having to deal with this thing on an ongoing basis. Or perhaps you could have done the shopping for MM and given him the gift all wrapped up while visiting your friend. This is still a lot of work, so telling may be better. Good luck.
Author comicgirl Posted December 20, 2007 Author Posted December 20, 2007 My friend invited my kids to go sledding with her kids. My H came over too and he took all of our kids to the hills. My xMM came home from work and proceeded to drink and burp and bite his nails and spit out the nail bits. I was barfing. My H took our oldest to her girl scout meeting while I helped clean up the dinner dishes. My H is looking better and better to me. he may not do anything chore wise around the house but he sure as heck spends time with his kids. My xMM sat in front of the tv (which was blaring) and watched Heartbreak Ridge with ClinT Eastwood. My friend just sat on the couch looking pissed off and helpless. I took my kids and left when xMM opened his 6th beer. He kept looking at me like he wants to wonder what is wrong. Screw him. I have to just keep telling myself to let him go. I say it over and over. I don't even let myself fantasize about what happened in the past. I just keep thinking I am doing right by my friend now. And in the future. Is it still wrong not to tell her when I am trying to do better?
Author comicgirl Posted December 20, 2007 Author Posted December 20, 2007 You know what, the juice just isn't worth the squeeze.
Author comicgirl Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 So, I have been writing that my xMM, myself, and his W have all remained friends. That the xmm has a serious drinking problem. Well, last Thursday, I was at their house hanging out before the W and I went to pick up our kids at school and we were talking about the Girl Scout meeting our kids had that night. The xmm gets a bee in his bonnet about how last summer he wanted to teach the kids in Girl Scouts archery but he wasn't allowed cause he was a male and blah, blah,blah. He had been drinking all day since he was off work that day. When I left there he was saying that he was going to the GS meeting and talking to the leader about why he wasn't allowed to stay the night at the camp. I was talking to the W about this when we were waiting for the kids, I told her to let him show up and make an a** of himself. I thought maybe it would help him get help if they both saw how much he embarrassed himself. She said she would handle it herself. So when I got home I called the leader and gave her a heads up that this man had a beef with her. Instead of the meeting, the xmm calls the leader and is yelling at her. Then she says, and I still can't believe it, "IF you don't stop I will tell your wife about how you were screwing her best friend". Then xmm calls me and leaves me about 25 screaming messages one after another about how many people did I tell???? How does this woman know? All I can guess is that this is a small town and maybe she saw us somewhere. The best part is that the W was next to the phone listening when the leader threatened to tell on us. So when I called trying to act normal, she asked me straight out. I told her no. Yesterday she said she doesn't know if she can forgive me for giving the leader a heads up when her H wasn't going to do anything anyway. Sounds to me like she can't forgive me for messing with her H. She probably knows in her heart and can't admit that her H cheats and is a total drunk. Well, looks like NC here we come. For the best. the friendship part was getting too hard to maintain.
White Flower Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Sounds like the drunk was going to out you sooner or later due to the illness. I have a very close friend who I cannot tell about my A because she is an alcoholic and could one day blurt it all out. Did you know he was a drunk before the A started?
Gwyneth Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 Maybe your husband's way of handeling the situation (affair) is by having the MM act like a tool for the both of you. Letting him paint and buy the pain--men don't normally let other men support their and their family's needs. Or your husband is just too much in shock to really understand what he should do. Very complicated situation. I agree with you on it's the MM's decision whether or not to tell his wife. I know I have had difference of opinions on this here already.
Author comicgirl Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 Yeah, I knew he drank when I first met he and his W but over the past few months the amount has skyrocketed. I have watched it get worse and worse and had said things to him. His W had even asked me to talk to him because he wouldn't listen to her. It's funny but now that I'm pretty sure my friendship with the W is over I feel really sad. I feel like crying. I wonder if it's because i won't see xMM anymore? I'm trying to be honest about it with myself. Why am I really upset? Is it because of her or him? I have the intellectual side telling me I got sucked in by a drunk and hung on to the friendship so I could still see him. Then my emotional side feels like maybe I loved him on some level and was just taking what I could get. I look back at some of my posts and see how I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. I also feel relieved too that now it really is over and can't be retrieved.
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