I'm starting to resent my wife

[stillafool]

So many people are getting married because they feel the other person is a good catch and is suitable for marriage. People say don't look for passion, look for compatibility, loyality and someone who can support you. Unfortunately that all sounds good but without passion that "hot sex" and longing just doesn't come. Passion is priceless. It's like love it can't be bought or sold.

 

Chances are if you aren't getting any now I feel sorry for you when the baby gets here.

[kkthxbye]

Thanks all for your replies.

 

Yeah, I wish we would've worked this out before we got married (or pregnant) as well. You're all absolutely right - I knew this going in and proceeded anyway. So, I guess that I should blame myself for, and is likely where some percentage of the depression (on top of the resentment) is coming from.

 

I've tried to speak up and be perfectly clear with her. The issue is that she doesn't listen. She only hears and focuses on the "I'm criticizing her, trying to make her feel like sh*t" not the issue at hand. Which is, "How can we go about fixing this, together?" She's more focused on the action (sex, passion) and not the result (a need I have in the relationship which makes me happy). Which is what makes me resentful - I ultimately feel like she only cares about my happiness when it is convenient for her.

 

As I've stated, we've tried counseling before we were married. And not just for two sessions, we went for months. He basically said we were going to continue to need therapy and it wasn't something we could fix before we were married (we started in April, went till about Aug, got married in Sept.). So, basically her logic became, "Well, if we can't fix this, then why do you want to postpone the wedding. Either you marry me now or forget it. If you don't believe in my ability to make you happy, then you don't believe in me or us." Again, being the idiot I am and believing we'd be in counseling fixing things, I believed in the two of us and proceeded to get married. Then it became, "Well, we can't go, we just got back from the honeymoon and we haven't been home." Then it became, "We can't go because I'm pregnant." (the golden parachute for every argument). I also have my own therapist I have seen all along. Mainly, I see him because I always feel bad like I am being selfish because she makes me feel like I'm asking too much of her. Originally I had started seeing him because I was a "conflict avoider" which I can assure you I am not these days. I really don't see how much more open, blunt, direct, clear I can be with her. Like I said, I am and she doesn't hear it. She's worried about getting defensive more than how I feel.

 

As for the sex Vs passion thing, I understand they are connected but not mutually exclusive. I would see passion as her thinking about me during the day and how excited she is to see me when she gets home. Or kissing me and saying "Good morning". Her answer to thinking about is, "I'm busy all day at work, I think about you when I have time" The only time she misses me at work (she has told me) is when she is bored, then she calls me because she pretty much has nothing better to do (that's how I feel about it, anyway). As to the kissing me in the morning and saying good morning, that is about like the sex. If I say, "You know it would be nice if you said good morning to me, instead of me having to do it all the time" she says, "I don't see why that is important. So what if I don't say good morning to you. You're way too wrapped up in that kind of stuff." On the other hand, she feels the need to make a point about me saying good night and kissing her. If I doze off, she says, "Um, I didn't get a kiss goodnight" like she's 12 and can't just kiss me and say goodnight. I tried to argue that point (Vs the Good Morning for me) and she says, "well, you always just do that, so I've come to expect it. I haven't always said good morning." On the sex side of the passion fence, that's pretty much non-existent. I don't always want passion to lead to sex. I want to know that she is passionate about me; that I'm wanted and important to her. And not just whenever it happens to cross her mind because she's not focused on something else.

 

Oh dear you poor thing! It sounds to me (please try to take this objectively) like she doesn't know what she wants, and its possible she doesn't want you. There could be lots of reasons for this. For example, if she wasn't sexual, sensual or passionate from the first onset of dating, then you really can't expect it to change. She kinda came in that package box like that, so not sure what your post in the summer said, did she ever have that drive to begin with?

 

Secondly, there are women, even men out there that are not sexual. My mother-in-law calls herself Asexual, even though we try to explain to her she can't conceive by herself LOL she says her relationships have to be platonic because her body simply does not respond to sex. She has no drive, and never has had it. She got pregnant once on her honey moon, and three marriages later finally realized how important sex was in a marriage and how she couldn't live up to it. She simply does not ever desire to have that. However she's more than passionate about life every day.

 

Thirdly, your wife has to find out herself what is ailing her in this department. Often partners go though sexual tensions and lack of connection in bed due to other stresses in their lives. I know, I just went though this which brought me here to LS. However, you must really love her to marry her anyways, with the problems. I'm sorry you had hoped they would get better, and now a baby is coming and will most likely take more time away from the resolution of the problem.

 

One thing that gets my attention when my hubby tries endlessly to get me in the sack, is to completely ignore me. I told him that reverse psychology works on me just ask my parents, and sure enough he figured out how to push my buttons. When he never bothered me about the problems, left me alone, even for weeks, I couldn't stand it. When he stopped chasing me, I was all over him. Its that whole "we want what we can't have" episode that resulted in his favor completely.

 

So, in short, you have quite a problem that is going round and round. There are some things, that you might want to revisit. Like, how did you two get together, what made her crazy about you? Why have they changed for her? It may not be easy for her to figure it out, and only patience and time will tell you for sure.

[Angelina Nisse]

You married her, knowing how she is. And now, a baby is coming.

Frankly, if I were you, I would drop the sex issue.

Don't approach her for sex - ever.

She's not worried - she's holding all the cards. She's in control.

Stop asking her for sex...

 

You need to realize she is playing games on some fundamental level and it's a control issue. She's not going to listen to a word you say.

 

Pull away emotionally (or pretend to), stop asking for sex.

 

Then she will start to wonder where you're getting it, and she might be a bit more receptive to discussion.

 

Either that, or she'll be happy you're not "bothering" her anymore.

 

In any event, if you get along otherwise, I would just face the fact that you will have no sex life with her. Fair? I don't know - you married her, I didn't. And you have a baby coming....I would just try to appreciate your wife for whatever reasons you married her (?), and not worry about sex with her.

I know that doesn't make much sense, but sometimes if you just don't do anything, a solution arrives. I wouldn't try too hard to "solve" this right now...especially when your wife is the only one who can do it.

Good luck

[Ms. Red]

 

 

No, I'm not looking for anyone to "approve" of me walking away. I'm just trying to see what other folks might suggest to fix this. Ultimately, it appears that I either need to find a way to approach her about returning to MC that doesn't put her back on her haunches or call it quits. I've ultimately got no reservations about what other people close to me think about me walking away, as they don't have to live with the results of my actions. If they value my happiness, they'll support me. If not, then they really didn't matter to begin with. Like I said, hopefully therapy today will shed some new perspective/suggestions on dealing with this. Thanks all.

 

You married her, knowing how she is.

And every person on LS back in July told you to RUN!

 

And now, a baby is coming.

Frankly, if I were you, I would drop the sex issue.

Don't approach her for sex - ever.

She's not worried - she's holding all the cards. She's in control.

Stop asking her for sex....

 

Because you allowed her to be early on. According to you she said, "It will get better if we live together" (didn't happen) "Well, once we get engaged it will get better." (didn't happen) "After we get married.....blah blah blah." I'm sorry but you had all the warning & people here telling you but you didn't listen. Now you are paying for it. I can't feel sorry for you.

 

You need to realize she is playing games on some fundamental level and it's a control issue. She's not going to listen to a word you say.

 

Pull away emotionally (or pretend to), stop asking for sex.

 

Then she will start to wonder where you're getting it, and she might be a bit more receptive to discussion.

 

Either that, or she'll be happy you're not "bothering" her anymore.

 

In any event, if you get along otherwise, I would just face the fact that you will have no sex life with her. Fair? I don't know - you married her, I didn't. And you have a baby coming....I would just try to appreciate your wife for whatever reasons you married her (?), and not worry about sex with her.

I know that doesn't make much sense, but sometimes if you just don't do anything, a solution arrives. I wouldn't try too hard to "solve" this right now...especially when your wife is the only one who can do it.

Good luck

 

Agreed. You took her on knowing full well this was your life. Now suck it up & don't make your kid suffer from your mistake.

[Rachel_0814p]

...you two set yourselves up for a lifetime of misery by getting married.

 

Get a divorce. She's not trying, and you're both miserable...

 

I AGREE. Get a divorce. Don't waste anymore of your time or your youth on this woman. She doesn't make you happy, and you don't make her happy. You have to be able to get along and WANT to be together in order to make it. She's content with a cohabitative business partner style of a relationship rather than the amazing "rock my world" romantic life partnership that you're seeking.

 

It takes a satisfying, healthy sex life to have a great relationship. Even though sex should not be "the focus" of the marriage, it is a basic part of who each of you are which IS the biggest impacting factor within the marriage. And you two together are just not compatible.

 

IT IS NOT GOING TO WORK OUT BETWEEN YOU. If you divorce now, you'll both be free to move on to a new relationship with someone who will make you HAPPY.

 

If you divorce now, your child wont know anything different. If you wait, and try to stay together for the child, you'll just be dragging out the inevitable and subjecting your child, and yourselves, to more turmoil and tension in the long run. It will be hard because she'll play the "poor me, I'm pregnant and he dumped me, isn't he a complete ass" card. But you just have to realize it's for the best and not worry about how it looks to her, or to others. No one but you knows how miserable you are. And you deserve better.

[PerfectLee]

Wow... reading your posts was like looking into a mirror almost. Except, I can relate to both you and her. I'm a woman, in a gay relationship, recently engaged, she proposed to me, and most of the quotes of what your wife says to you are the same things my GF has said to me. I found out recently that after 3 years together, she resents ME! We're currently working through it & with the New Year here and 2007 GONE (Thank GOD!) it's a great time for us to just start off NEW. Clean Slate. Maybe your W resents you. From your posts I think she does, she calls you an as*hole, puts the focus right back onto you, holds sex from you, blames you, finds excuses etc... This behavior is obvious that she resents you. Maybe some things came OUT during counseling, but she really needs to stick with improving. For us women, sorry to say, we just don't get over things quickly. We have to see that you're changing too, if not, we may do things just to get back at you. To spite you. To make you see how it feels.

 

You may or may not agree with this, but I believe in every relationship (from personal experience & seeing my friends go through this too) one person always has to sacrifice more than the other & sometimes it switches. Because we (as human beings) are always changing, when we're together, we're always tolerating, always growing, always trying. Sounds like you do a lot of the sacrificing here & she's become used to it. Her having your child, in her mind, is the ultimate gift she could give you. For you, because your a man (no offense) you have no idea what she'll have to endure. Just like Deanster said, the next several years will have to be about HER! This is what you signed up for, a marriage, and it's supposed to be FOR LIFE. You committed yourself to her in good times and bad, & you shouldn't feel "forced" to love her or obligated to do things for her & for the house.

 

Like I said, I can relate to you, the things you say to her are some of the things I've said to. I know where they come from. I resent that she resents me! They're for stupid things that happened when we 1st met & I was set in my ways (I was single for 4 yrs before I met her) & apparently I was very selfish & inconsiderate in the beginning. I am in NO WAY like that now, yet...she can't let it go. It's quite frustrating. Like your W, my GF held sex from me for 3 months, there was an excuse every time. It was her way of punishing me & this was before I knew she resented me. BUT...I killed her with kindness. I listened, I still did things around the house for her, for us, I still stayed romantic & considerate even though I knew she'd reject me, I became extremely unselfish to show her that I'm not going anywhere & no matter how mad she was at me, it's only a matter of time before she saw that I truely do love her & I'm sticking it out with her. Actions speak louder than words, my friend, and I hope that the arguing stops for you, the constant put downs & yelling at you about what an ass you are must be hard to hear. Don't get used to it though, stand your ground when you really have a valid point to make, but pick your battles.

 

The magic you guys shared when you were in love, where is that? The ways that you explained her behavior, it sounds to me like she's really unhappy. Sometimes I'll fold towels too....but my motive is to play hard to get, not to seriously hold back sex. What are her motives? Maybe you should ask her "What makes you happy?? What will make you happy after our child is born? Are you stressed out at work...maybe we should go away together, take a vacation?"

 

I know you went to counseling, but I think you came on LS to find out suggestions from us all on how to just get through the day. You're forced to think about the future because of the baby, but every day for you seems like a struggle. I'm sorry that you're going through this, I completely understand the emotions, all I can say is be patient, hopeful and take care of YOU.