spookie Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 I can't get over the fact that if I hadn't decided to have an abortion, EVERYTHING would have been different. Right now.... - instead of being on non-speaking terms with my ex, the person I love the most in the world, we would be working together to take care of a cute 2 month-old baby -instead of being estranged from my family, they'd likely be near me, helping me out with *my* own family -instead of having no one, I would have everyone I loved still in my life -instead of working at a strip club for 50 hours a week and being a financial mess, I wouldn't be. Cause I'd have people on my side. And the baby... I don't even want to start on that.... I don't know what to do about this minefield of emotion, of regret. Do I let myself feel it, how much I would have loved it, and possibly be lost forever, impossibly overwhelmed? Or do I keep warding the thoughts away, like I have been, hoping time really does heal all wounds? I feel like, with all this, I've been wounded way past repair. I feel like I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to make sense of this, though there's no sense to be made, I feel like I will never be whole, certainly never whole enough to love someone again, and let them love me.
MissCourtney Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 That is a tough one. Although, I have had a very close friend that has been through the same thing. She felt depressed and wondered about what it could have been. She became very unhealthy. Basically wanted to die. Your decision will affect you for the rest of your life if you let it. I know you may wonder about the baby, and what it would have been like. But why dont you just try for a baby when the time is right. Get a better job. (Although I have worked at a strib club before) It will be better to have a baby when you can support it and take care of it the RIGHT way. And when you do finally have your own little baby, it will make you realize that the decision you made then was for the better. and your depression will slowly melt away because you will now need to focus on the present instead of the past. Hope that helped. If not, sorry. I hope you don't get bunch of people on your case about this. Have a good day. Just think about it. -c
Author spookie Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 Hey MissCourtney, thanks for your reply. The thing is, I can't imagine ever finding someone with whom I would want to have children more =(. Even though the timing wasn't right with my pregnancy, and the abortion was, finally, my choice, I always wanted children BADLY with him, and at the time of the abortion, I thought it would happen. How smart he was in certain ways, how healthy, what he looked like, how he was good at things I am not, certain mannerisms - I wanted all that passed on to my children. Maybe crying over someone else's genetics is crazy, but that's how I feel. I feel like any children I have in the future will pale in comparison to the wonderful baby he and I could have had. . That's why I don't think I want kids anymore. I hope I meet someone I will like as much as I liked him, but I really don't think it will happen. He was like 95% match in terms of what I always wanted in a partner. Finding someone more "perfect" is not only unlikely, but would be creepy because of the necessary similarities he would have to have with my ex.
MissCourtney Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Why did yall break up? You might have already mentioned this but I think I missed it. -c
amaysngrace Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 It sounds like you're still grieving your loss. I'm sorry you feel regret but at the time you probably thought what you were doing was the best thing to do. Try to trust that and not doubt yourself. You know what was and trying to see what could have been is often not how it would be at all. I'm sorry you're sad and I hope you can soon stop beating yourself up about this.
Author spookie Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 Why did yall break up? You might have already mentioned this but I think I missed it. -c I'm not sure. He wasn't happy he didn't want to be in a relationship. We didn't have any real problems, the issue was that he just needed to be alone to "find" himself (as did I).
Krytie TV Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Spookie, you and I both know that having a baby does nothing to make a man want to stay with you any more than otherwise. Very likely, if things were bad enough for you two to break up, you would be raising it by yourself right now. I understand and completely empathize. I know that is not an easy decision to make, but much like marriage, babies do not help relationships blossom, they provide more challenges than a relationship without them.
MissCourtney Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 I know you dont want to hear this.... But if ya'll were trying to figure things out anyway then its probably better that ya'll didnt have a baby then... Also, everything happens for a reason...mmkay??? Cheer up! If ya'll are meant to be together then it will happen and yall will have as many babies as yall want and be able to support them. Hope that helps. -c
Author spookie Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 It sounds like you're still grieving your loss. I'm sorry you feel regret but at the time you probably thought what you were doing was the best thing to do. Try to trust that and not doubt yourself. You know what was and trying to see what could have been is often not how it would be at all. I'm sorry you're sad and I hope you can soon stop beating yourself up about this. Yah, you know, the practical side of me sees all this in a different way: -I was NOT in any way ready for a child and having one WOULD have prevented me from accomplishing things I've always wanted to do -it was NOT the right relationship and even if we had ended up staying together for a longer time, we would still have broken up (we NEEDED to be alone to get done what we have to do to not feel like our lives have been wasted). It would have been more painful down the line with a child involved. I've always wanted children inside a happy lifelong relationship. -if I had a child, my life would have been intertwined with my parents', who would have been the ones financially providing, and that is something I did not/do not want So yah. I know why I had the abortion, why it was the "best" choice at the time. It's just hard, from where I am now, to keep believing in my reasons, and on top of it all, I wonder now if an actual child, that we both would have loved, would have changed the arguments somehow, made them moot points. Whether the growing up that we'd inevitably do would have kept ex and I together, for example. Practical side of me says probably not. Lots of people have kids and they don't change s!ht about the reality of life/relationships. But the emotional side... I dunno. I'm just a mess inside, where my feelings are concerned.
Author spookie Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 Spookie, you and I both know that having a baby does nothing to make a man want to stay with you any more than otherwise. Very likely, if things were bad enough for you two to break up, you would be raising it by yourself right now. I understand and completely empathize. I know that is not an easy decision to make, but much like marriage, babies do not help relationships blossom, they provide more challenges than a relationship without them. Yah. I know. If he could leave me 2 weeks after the abortion, which he knew devastated me, and which he knew, in many ways, I had for him; and stop talking to me, and act like I was a soul-sucking psycho, when I did nothing wrong in the R except for love him too much; if he could do all that I know I probably would be raising this child alone. And I cannot imagine how much more angry/ hurt/ frustrated I would feel. Thanks for the responses everyone, I'm already feeling so much better. I feel fvkcing out of my mind though; one moment I am overwhelmed with sadness and regret, the next every thing's in perspective and I'm just angry. Ugh.
amaysngrace Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 It's always easy to see the fairytale but it very rarely works out that way. Please stop beating yourself up about this. You know exactly what you're doing with your life. Just like I do.
Author spookie Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 It's always easy to see the fairytale but it very rarely works out that way. Please stop beating yourself up about this. You know exactly what you're doing with your life. Just like I do. Heh. Thanks a lot for your support and for helping me reason through this.
Trialbyfire Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 spook, you're not seeing the most important component, which is raising a child as a single, young mother, with no degree to speak of, therefore low earning potential for the rest of your life. You take on a child for life.
Author spookie Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 spook, you're not seeing the most important component, which is raising a child as a single, young mother, with no degree to speak of, therefore low earning potential for the rest of your life. You take on a child for life. Yes, but had I had the child, my parents would have remained supportive of me and they definitely would have helped me out with the kid. Not to mention his, who also pledged their support when we told them. I could have had the baby, waited a semester, and then gone back and finished my degree. It wouldn't have been impossible.
Trialbyfire Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Yes, but had I had the child, my parents would have remained supportive of me and they definitely would have helped me out with the kid. Not to mention his, who also pledged their support when we told them. I could have had the baby, waited a semester, and then gone back and finished my degree. It wouldn't have been impossible. Your parents would be dictating your life. Would this make you and your child happy? Can you be guaranteed that they would continue supporting you, if you did something they didn't agree with? Don't you want to be independent?
Author spookie Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 The one important thing I DO keep forgetting, however, is that I hate children. I don't think their cuteness even comes close to making up for how fvkcing annoying they are. I had a job once helping babysit a bunch of babies/ toddlers at a church and I lasted one week before I quit mid-shift. All the other girls my age loved working there, but it literally made me suicidal. I've never met a child, including my own baby brother, who's now 6, that I could spend more than 5 minutes with without feeling like I'd rather start hacking off my own limbs. I have always thought this would change once I had children of my own, but who knows. It's definitely something worth considering.
johan Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 This is a life lesson, spookie. That's all it can be for you now. People often are selfish and immature as long as they have the luxury to be that way. You're dealing with the fact that the abortion was a selfish act. But you're also seeing that your boyfriend's act of breaking up with you was pretty selfish. It's clear that if you had had the baby, then he would be motivated to be less selfish and immature. He probably would have to put his personal concerns aside to take responsibility for the child. That's not a guarantee, but I think the majority of guys would at least try. I wish you the best. You have a lot to deal with. I hope you aren't idealizing your ex, maybe out of guilt for what has happened. And I hope you are able to put things back together with your family. And I hope that you are able to derive something positive from this, as much as possible. Your family will forgive you. I think the big challenge will be for you to forgive yourself. It will be hard to be happy in your life until you do.
Author spookie Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 Your parents would be dictating your life. Would this make you and your child happy? Can you be guaranteed that they would continue supporting you, if you did something they didn't agree with? Don't you want to be independent? Of course I want to be independent. And you're right that they'd be dictating my life, and that I'd be miserable. Beyond miserable. This was the biggest arguement for deciding on the abortion, actually. As soon as I told my mom I was pregnant, she began calling me, literally, thirty times a day to make sure I was doing everything her way. I realized if I kept it, I'd be reliant on her; that she'd basically own us both; and that that was the last thing I wanted.
niceguy27 Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Spookie...Here is a link to a thread I had and my ex actually got an abortion roughly 2 months after we split...http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=135744&page (not mine but this new guy). My heart goes out to you during this time of confusion. For her to share that with me really showed me how much it affected her. It also showed me that things all do happen for a reason. We NEVER had protected sex while we were together and never once had a scare. Imagine if she did get pregnant and we ended up splitting up?? Wasnt meant to happen that way. Its hard to see this now but when stuff happens, especially life changing ones like this, you will see that you learned something from it. For him to just ditch you like that so soon afterwards is plain mean. Relationship aside, you two were close and shared something special together. It was his baby too and he should of been there to help you through it. Just my .02
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