CaliGuy Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Most of you know I had a close relationship with my Ex's mom. She had been my "mom away from mom", especially after my mom died. I really did not start truly healing from my Ex until I cut off the contact with my ex's mom. I love her, she's really a good person and great to talk to, but I just can not have any contact with her. That said, she won't stop contacting me. I haven't been replying to any of her emails or calls. At one point she actually called me at work. When I didn't reply, she had her husband call me (d'oh!). I don't have the heart right now to tell her "I can't talk to you anymore." She's never done anything wrong to me, I just wish she would understand that her daughter and I no longer have a relationship and they were a "package." Her daughter is engaged and as such, I just don't feel it's right for us to have any contact when she has a new son-in-law on the way that she needs to focus on. I guess what I am looking for is some advice on how to tell her, as lovingly and politely as possible, that we can not maintain contact. I love her as a person, but the less we talk, the better I feel (and the less I think about the ex. In fact, as long as her mom doesn't contact me, I hardly EVER think about the ex.) I thought not by not reply she would get the hint but apparently she is not. Thoughts?
BlueEyedSarah Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 It is difficult... I think you should say something along the lines of you love her and greatful and thankful for all she has said and done for you and being there like a mum, but you are unable to keep in contact with her as of the situation with her daughter, you feel it hurts too much right now to keep in contact as it feels like you are holding onto the past. Wish her well for the future and maybe one day after your hurt is over you will be able to talk to her again.
amaysngrace Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 I would tell her you love her but you think it's inappropriate for you two to speak regularly seeing how things worked out with her daughter. But deep down I think she wishes her daughter was marrying you instead of this other guy. Sorry CG, in this instance you need to be the grown-up.
Author CaliGuy Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 Oh I agree, I'm looking for the least "hurtful" way to tell her this. I'm being grown up, but there's also someone's feelings here to consider (someone who loves and cares about me).
amaysngrace Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Oh I agree, I'm looking for the least "hurtful" way to tell her this. I'm being grown up, but there's also someone's feelings here to consider (someone who loves and cares about me). Yeah but she's not being a grown-up by involving you. I swear I think she is calling on you to rescue her daughter from this marriage.
Author CaliGuy Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 Yeah but she's not being a grown-up by involving you. I swear I think she is calling on you to rescue her daughter from this marriage. Maybe, but her daughter is making her own "grown up" decisions. And there's no way in hell I'd take her back. No way, no how, so if this is her agenda she is wasting her time.
Trialbyfire Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Caliguy, I'm also still in touch with my exes mother. She's a good friend of mine and someone I want in my life. If she wants to talk about the ex, I'm open to it, like we're talking about someone else. I know she wants us to get back together again. You have to state clearly that you won't help with her daughter, that the issues are between the two of them, that in essence, you're a disinterested third-party. After awhile they tend to back off the reconciliation issues and become just like real people.
amaysngrace Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 I would just be honest with her and tell her that speaking with her makes you uncomfortable. If you and her daughter were friends that would be one thing but it's not the case here. Realize though that she may feel like she's losing a son if you two were tight. I guess you need to take her feelings into consideration here too. But I wouldn't put her feelings first before my own. I would do what makes me comfortable. And you should too. Everybody experiences loss and she will get over it. Just be sweet and let her know the truth. Tell her you're sorry but you just can't stay in touch with her so much because it makes you uncomfortable. Let her know that you love her and you think of her but you're sorry it has to be this way. Do you think you can do that or will it make you feel bad? I know you're a caring guy but sometimes you need to put your own needs first even if it seems wrong at the time. Maybe also let her know that you'll always be here for her if she ever needs you but you can't handle the day to day stuff. This way it's not forever. You're in a tough spot here.
Author CaliGuy Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 I thought by not replying to her messages that she would get the hint without me having to say something to her. I mean, if someone ignores me I get the hint pretty fast and just move on with life in general. I do love her. She is a great person and it's a shame things had to end up like this. But I am NOT intereted in the ex, what she is doing or anything of the like. It's her daughter so I expect her to be loyal to her first and foremost. It's just in my case I don't think we can have a friendship without her bringing the ex up from time to time. I already made it clear I don't want to hear about her, but it's her daughter, how can I expect her to not talk about her? See what I mean? I'm in a win/lose situation here. She wins, I lose. She would keep the friendship but I would deal with the discomfort. If it was a win/win situation it'd be a no-brainer, but I just don't see things in that light. Good advice, TBF. Something to consider, definitely. And thanks, AG. Good stuff as well. Lots of info to ponder.
brothermartin Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 You are all adults here. I think she would understand if you just told her the truth. If you try to sugar-coat it or be too easy with it, your message may get lost in translation. Your just gonna hate yourself if you let her find out the hard way. If you can't bring yourself to tell her, you could tell her husband. Don't think of as taking the coward way out, just see it as getting the message to her.
PWSX3 Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 What if you would send a quick email to her, explain that it would hurt you to much to still be friends with her because of her tie with your X. Sounds to me like you are going to lose a good friend because of your "X" & that is to bad.
Author CaliGuy Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 Cool, thanks for the advice all. I think I'll put an email together, short but sweet, explaining the situation. Yes, it does suck to lose our friendship, but that's part of the mess the breakup left that just hasn't been dealt with.
BlueEyedSarah Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Let us know how it goes, I'm interested to know
Author CaliGuy Posted December 13, 2007 Author Posted December 13, 2007 Her mom was very understanding. More so than I thought she would be. Problem solved
amaysngrace Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Her mom was very understanding. More so than I thought she would be. That's good news. Care to share what you said to her?
Author CaliGuy Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 That's good news. Care to share what you said to her? I basically told her politely that the space away from them helped me heal greatly and that when she emails me, as much as I love her as a person, she stands as a reminder of her daughter. I expect her to remain loyal to her daughter and feel that our relationship is interfering in many things. That over time I'll not think of her that way but right now I just prefer to keep my distance and continue healing. That is wasn't "good bye" but "talk to you later." She was very understanding. Hurt, yes, but understanding. She said she wanted to send me Christmas and birthday cards and I told her that is fine. I just don't want the email updates or other such reminders. She invited me over for Thanksgiving and that was nice of her, but it would have made me VERY uncomfortable to go over there and be reminded of the time my ex and I spent there. I do love her. She's a good, Godly woman who has done me no wrong. She's been there when I needed her (especially when my mom died) so I feel like to some degree I am punishing her for her daughter's choices and essentially that is what is happening. But I am adamant that this is the right decision for me because I need to move on with my life and not be reminded of her. Now if I can just get the mutual friends to stop emailing me tidbits of information.
brothermartin Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 Dude, I wish my ex's mom were as cool as your ex's mom. You know what she did after my ex left me? Nothing. No call, no email, not text, not even a ThanksGiving wish! Nothing from anyone in her family! I guess that should tell me something about that family, huh?
Author CaliGuy Posted December 15, 2007 Author Posted December 15, 2007 Dude, I wish my ex's mom were as cool as your ex's mom. You know what she did after my ex left me? Nothing. No call, no email, not text, not even a ThanksGiving wish! Nothing from anyone in her family! I guess that should tell me something about that family, huh? Yeah that is pretty messed up. The ex's mom knows the whole story and she knows she has a daughter who's "insane in the membrane". Her mom loves me, treated me like family, etc. How such a screwed up girl could come from such a stable family, I don't know. And the worst thing is she thinks THEY are insane, haha. Ah well, perception is everything. Well that's in the books so on to the next challenge in life: What to do before I attend the Charger game on Sunday
amaysngrace Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 But I am adamant that this is the right decision for me because I need to move on with my life and not be reminded of her. Now if I can just get the mutual friends to stop emailing me tidbits of information. It sounds like you handled it gently and lovingly. And she really does sound like she's pretty great. She's taking your needs into consideration too. You can still keep in touch with her. On your own terms. And she'll probably be very happy to hear from you. PS They don't sound like friends if you've asked them to quit it and they refuse to do so...
Author CaliGuy Posted December 15, 2007 Author Posted December 15, 2007 It sounds like you handled it gently and lovingly. And she really does sound like she's pretty great. She's taking your needs into consideration too. You can still keep in touch with her. On your own terms. And she'll probably be very happy to hear from you. PS They don't sound like friends if you've asked them to quit it and they refuse to do so... Yeah I wish the circumstances were different as they would be the ideal in-laws. LOL. As for the friends, they aren't close but I don't say anything to them because I don't want it to get back to her that it bothers me to hear this crap. Not so much that I can't deal with it, it's just more of an irritation than anything else.
Ssheena Posted December 15, 2007 Posted December 15, 2007 Has your x at least stopped visiting your webpage? I'm curious about that.
madgun68 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Yeah I wish the circumstances were different as they would be the ideal in-laws. LOL. As for the friends, they aren't close but I don't say anything to them because I don't want it to get back to her that it bothers me to hear this crap. Not so much that I can't deal with it, it's just more of an irritation than anything else.It doesn't have to bother you to hear the information for it to warrant action. Why allow them to force information on you that you choose not to want? I'd simply tell them that you have no interest in knowing anything about her or what happens in her life. As such, they need not update you on matters concerning her. Heck, maybe she knows that they've been sending you tidbits about her.
Author CaliGuy Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 Has your x at least stopped visiting your webpage? I'm curious about that. Not sure. I blocked her home and work email addresses from accessing the site. I .htaccess blocked her so I don't even think those hits would show up on the server since the IP is denied. Since then I really haven't paid attention.
Author CaliGuy Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 It doesn't have to bother you to hear the information for it to warrant action. Why allow them to force information on you that you choose not to want? I'd simply tell them that you have no interest in knowing anything about her or what happens in her life. As such, they need not update you on matters concerning her. Heck, maybe she knows that they've been sending you tidbits about her. I'm sure she knows but I just don't want it to get back to her that it bothers me, even if it's just pesky more than anything. I don't want her to have that satisfaction Being absolutely quiet, not saying a word and shutting out any and all access into my life from her is the best recourse for me. Silence speaks volumes.
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