cj1988 Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Ok, here it goes. I am a recent BS, some of you know that and my story. So, I am going to try and help some of you that are still in the FOG and about to f---- up your world even worse...IF and I say IF you are a cheater and your BS has allowed you to stay and give you another chance and you accepted that GIFT....get your head out of your selfish A-- and get over the OW/OM fast.....If you do not, you are a PIG and your life is still a BIG FAT LIE and you deserve your heart broke and your butt kicked ! If you are so lucky as to get a second chance for something that you have done that is sooooooo bad, damn it, wake up and smell the coffee. Second chances do not always happen, it is what I said a GIFT from a BROKEN heart....if you are still in contact with the OTHER, stop it NOW ! If you do not , your BS WILL find out, make no mistake they are watching your every move, every emotion......they will find out, then you are screwed....UNFORTUNATELY you will then realize what you already knew, YOU LOVE YOUR BS and always have, BUT they will NO longer love you. You have been given a second chance for a reason, do not f--- it up now by being an idiot ! You may miss the excitement whatever the f--- it was the OTHER, but that is noting in comparison to what you have and have had the whole time. So, be a HUMAN and go to your BS and love him like you have never loved in your life. Treat them with the RESPECT they deserve for putting up with your s--- and STILL LOVING YOU ! You have a choice now, you may not if you are still in contact with the OTHER and still the scum bag your were before. If you cannot stop, then do the BS a favor and leave, they deserve a lot better than your slimy BUTT ! I feel better now and hope I helped someoe out there before it is too late !
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 I like your post and I hope someone listens to you - But unfortunately the way things usually happen is, most of have to learn this on their own and end up in regretting, wishing they HAD listened in the first place. Those who give second chances are special people, not messed up or needy, or insecure.
Author cj1988 Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 Hugs and Kisses to you WWAY, I am one of those that is NOT needy, just a good person. I was insecure, no longer that way. We all lose in the end that is what is sad......no one wants to LEAVE someone they love, but I will, because I love me more !
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 A CS who is given a chance, has to want that chance...It won't work UNTIL the CS wakes up - I think this is where the frustration of the OW/OM sets in...The "grace" period. Like Matty's situation. his wife has given him a 2nd chance - Though, he still is "sort of" in contact with the OW, the A is over though. Most OW/OM feel because of that, the marriage should end and he should go running to the OW since he isn't over her yet. I say NO WAY to that one...People need that extra time to get over it, as much as it hurts the BS, there has to be that grace period of allowing the CS to deal with the fallout themselves. It's up to the CS to deal with it, whether it be finding a forum like LS, or seeking counselling..And then once that is dealt with, much easier for the CS to prove themselves to their BS.
Author cj1988 Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 Whichway, key words, YOU HAVE TO WANT IT, if you do not then just hang it up, the BS will know what you are where you are inside and will leave. Then you are free, but probably not what you wanted in the end. My grandmother told me she could see love through the eyes and I finally know what she means. The eyes are the key to our soul and if you love someone, truly love them, you can see it plain as day....and on the other side if you dont, you can see that plain as day. I hope Matty, Michael and others have a HAPPY long life with the woman they love and mostly with the woman that loves them ! I will be fine either way now and will live my life as I should, proud, free (inside) and with honesty and LOVE !
Trialbyfire Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 We all lose in the end that is what is sad......no one wants to LEAVE someone they love, but I will, because I love me more ! All betrayed have to do what is right action for themselves. Forget what it does to the cheater. They cease to matter when they choose their put themselves first, above all else. Time to put yourself first now cj.
heftysmurf Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 After a month of being good. This has become a deal breaker for me. I do not think she wanted us. As much as that hurts. I do not know how I am suppose to wait for it to be over. Note we are only seperating as I still have hope she see's the light but I do not see another way. I want us to be together but I can deal with no more lies.
heftysmurf Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 I know she has to get past it but wow... life is on the line. Do you find it acceptable or not?
Trialbyfire Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 All betrayed have to do what is right action for themselves. Forget what it does to the cheater. They cease to matter when they choose their put themselves first, above all else. Time to put yourself first now cj. Holy Dinah!! What's my first language? Let me try again. "All betrayed have to take the right action for themselves. Forget what it does to the cheater. They cease to matter when they choose to put themselves first, above all else. Time to put yourself first now, cj."
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 This is what I meant by grace period. Read Thumbingmyway's story...He "thought" him and his wife were well into recovery, marriage counselling and all, yet all throughout it she was still intouch with the OM. Being the man he is, Thumbs allowed her another chance, as she came clean 100%, ended it with the OM completely. Unfortunately sometimes CS need abit more time, and who knows how long the grace period is before the BS gets fed up and decides no more chances.
Author cj1988 Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 Hefty, I was just like you....sitting around waiting for him to see the light and wake upi and realize that he wants this and us.....well, I am no longer waiting.....he is not going to change and if he did, I probably would not care at this point now.....I know how you feel, but it has been over a year now and he has not changed, said he is waiting for me to change, WTF ! You, like me will come out of that cloud you live in and will see her differently and when you do, sadly enough it is too late! The ONLY reason she is like this is because she knows you will be there for her NO MATTER what she does right now.....the minute I started standing up for myself again and started take control back in my life......he started to get nervous, a day late and a dollar short....now neither one of us are trying, SO WHY BOTHER. I do not feel scared anymore, just tired of the rollercoaster and need to get off !
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 I know she has to get past it but wow... life is on the line. Do you find it acceptable or not? Is she seeking counselling to help get over it, help make herself understand WHY she did it? This is where the BS if they want their spouse back has to be the bigger person. It sucks, but the BS has to go through MORE pain and MORE sh*t before it gets better. Seriously, read thumbingmyway's story. Click on his username, go to his profile and find all threads by him. He will inspire you..
heftysmurf Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 She really in my opinion not spoke to enough people. Me included. She stated she was over it at our last MC. She even stated he manipulated her. She asked him "what are your feelings for me?" she said. i asked why does that matter she said because..... I was hoping for more of an answer. That killed me.
Trialbyfire Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 She even stated he manipulated her. It doesn't sound like she's accepted her own part in this affair. In deferring responsibility, she can live with herself. Do you want someone like this who prefers to blame other people for their own actions?
Author cj1988 Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 I bet that did kill you.....you see she is not really over it, but she is because she has to be....moving on because you want to instead of because you have to or are forced to ( now that it is out in the open) are two different things. Honey, I watched my H go through anxiety, panic attacks...you name it after it was in the open, then he wanted to leave me, kept calling her as I fell apart for 5 months and more......he would cry and cry when he was drunk and tell me it was too late for us, I am sure he was crying because it was too late for them as well now.......but I can share all this with you now and it does not hurt or bother me like it did before.....time will heal it all and show you what you need to do.....I am getting stronger by the day as he grows weaker, not my concern anymore.....stop wondering what you did wrong, it was NOT you ! It is all her low self esteem etc.....she has the issue, not you.....that was the hardest thing for me to grasp. Everyone lept telling me over and over again what I am telling you....I NOW know, it has all come togther as it will you....YES, i still cry, but not for the same reasons....I cried because I was so messed up before, now I cry because I feel a loss....i do love him, but that does not matter now....it is over by MY choice, not his now ! Where he was the dumper in the beginning and I was the Dumpee, roles have reversed !
michaelk Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 WWIU is right. Anyone who's actually in an A and reads this will probably not get it. Much as your (CJ's) view of the world has suddenly changed because you've reached a new emotional state, the world view of someone cheating (generalizing here) is not that of a spouse who's concerned about their marriage first. They may think they have the marital consequences in mind, but in reality they are either telling themselves nothing bad will happen, or that they don't care about the BS anymore so why does it matter. So because the WS has put the marriage second to the A, you can expect them to worry less about their marriage than keeping the A going. All that aside, it is nice to see you feeling so empowered CJ. I think rather than sitting in a relationship that's status quo for years and allowing themselves to be carried along, people should ask themselves, "Am I where I want to be" each morning. If they respond "no", then they should take action. (This doesn't have to mean leaving, btw). It's nice to see you acting on your "NO", CJ!
Author cj1988 Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 Hello Michael, yes you are different....I know that, but this was for all those cheaters who are still in limbo about to make yet another even bigger mistake. If in fact they have chosen, as my H said he has to stay with the BS, then act like you want it or get the h--- out and be a man or woman and let them go. The BS has been through enough as it as, set them free and yourself free by finally being honest with what you really feel or do not feel, do not stay for more selfish reasons or even worse because you think you are doing them a favor, you aren not. You arem making it even worse for all, especially the woman or man that truly loves you.
michaelk Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Hello Michael, yes you are different....I know that, but this was for all those cheaters who are still in limbo about to make yet another even bigger mistake. If in fact they have chosen, as my H said he has to stay with the BS, then act like you want it or get the h--- out and be a man or woman and let them go. The BS has been through enough as it as, set them free and yourself free by finally being honest with what you really feel or do not feel, do not stay for more selfish reasons or even worse because you think you are doing them a favor, you aren not. You arem making it even worse for all, especially the woman or man that truly loves you. I wasn't trying to say I'm different - nor do I think I am. I see myself as a cheater who's made a certain set of choices and has a little distance from my affair, so I offer a perspective based on that. I'm sure there are plenty who've been in my shoes and gone the same way I have. It's just that we tend to focus here on the cases when things go very wrong, because this is a forum about helping people in just those situations. I take your point about the WS who stays. They do need to make it work to the best of their abilities, and if they discover after some time that they can't do that then they need to be honest with themselves and their spouse and call it quits. Or at least take a break.
Author cj1988 Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 You are a mature man is what I meant and one that has chosen the path for you and are working on it....I just see many others that are still in limbo and cannot decide even after they have supposedly made the decision......I believe in my heart that is more cruel than the A itself to come back tell the BS you want to be there and then NOT be there ! It is like you are sleeping with 3 people in your bed at all times.....either s--- or get off the pot kind of thing ! I am good and yes I have chosen my PATH and will make mine work for me. I am a good woman with a lot of years ahead of me and see a bright happy future one day, alone or not !
abeliever Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 hefty, I hate to hear your still in limbo. There are no magic words any of us can say to you. (Wish there was) Just know -you are not alone in this. I too, sat in disbelief that my H would and did initiate and continued one affair after another. I was in denial, for many reasons that now seem silly but when your in it you make many allowances for their misgivings. I don't find it to be weakness if you really love your spouse and your M. But you trying to hold on to what is important to YOU is important. Sad the cheater doesn't see what they have til it is damaged beyond repair. But they rarely see it til it too late. Life can be cruel. Hold your head high. Know you are doing whatever it takes to make your M work. You will know when YOU cannot go on. Til then just keep on here and talk with a pastor, family and friends. It will come to light what is right for you. When YOUR time is right. Best of luck. Thinking of you in your time of need. abeliever
Confused9 Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 CJ!!! I am so proud of you! How different your posts are...even from a couple of days ago, maybe a week. I can't wait till I get to that point. I keep thinking about my fiance, xfiance (gulp) 'choosing' this OW over me. It's so heartbreaking to me. What does she have that I don't? He threw his whole life away for her. I wonder if this is something he will ever regret. It seems like our relationship meant nothing to him. In hindsight, I think...what did I do to cause this? What was lacking in me...that fact that he is blaming me is another thing. He also never attempted to work on our relationship. Does that mean he never loved me? How could he not want to work on it. They've only known each other for 3 months and he's now moving to her state...he is walking away from everything to be with her. I think...what is he running away from...me or the pain it causes him to see me and our friends and family and know what he's done. I feel like I can't go on without these answers. Any cheaters that want to talk to me and maybe guide me through some of these questions? I know it's not the same for everyone...but maybe some perspective? I just want to get stronger!!!
mattym Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 CJ, I think you're being very brave, and probably very sensible. I agree, your CS will wake up and see what he's lost - but it may not be for a very long time As has been said, although the PA is over for me, I have still had contact with my OW. However I justify that , I know it's still a betrayal. Why do i do it? Why do I talk to her? I think a mix of guilt toward her for leading her on, still having desire for her, wondering 'could it have worked?' because of course I'm forgetting all the negative aspects of our R, living in the wonderful rosy glow of a new romance Course if things are so great for me & the OW - why haven't I left? Why was I terrified and not happy about my W finding out? Because I love and care for my W and for my family, and just wanted my daily dose of 'You're wonderful' from my OW I remember a great post by LJ to Triage I think when she said 'men dont marry women they dont love' and I think its easy to forget why we married in the first place - I loved my W and she was one of the few 'stable' girls I'd been out with - Id always tried to rescue girls from predicaments - be superman to their Lois Lane. Of course they were Lois Lane because of the choices THEY had made, and no one can rescue anyone from that. My W really straightened me out, helped me and supported me in furthering my career, and pretty much ran the home single-handedly As M life became stable and secure, and predictable, i started to look for excitement again, and along came OW. Now I look back I think there were other OW - it just never progressed My Wife is fantastic and has given me a 2nd chance, which is real gift. I also think though that maybe it would hve done me good for her to kick me out, and let me learn the hard way what i had lost, let it become public knowledge in my family & work exactly what i'd done. She's protected me and I've got off lightly, and so in reality have lost nothing except illicit fun and excitement, and maybe her kindness has been the real reason I've lingered in thoughts and actions toward the OW Sometimes us guys need a good kick up the Ar*e!
mattym Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 CJ!!! I am so proud of you! How different your posts are...even from a couple of days ago, maybe a week. I can't wait till I get to that point. I keep thinking about my fiance, xfiance (gulp) 'choosing' this OW over me. It's so heartbreaking to me. What does she have that I don't? He threw his whole life away for her. I wonder if this is something he will ever regret. It seems like our relationship meant nothing to him. In hindsight, I think...what did I do to cause this? What was lacking in me...that fact that he is blaming me is another thing. He also never attempted to work on our relationship. Does that mean he never loved me? How could he not want to work on it. They've only known each other for 3 months and he's now moving to her state...he is walking away from everything to be with her. I think...what is he running away from...me or the pain it causes him to see me and our friends and family and know what he's done. I feel like I can't go on without these answers. Any cheaters that want to talk to me and maybe guide me through some of these questions? I know it's not the same for everyone...but maybe some perspective? I just want to get stronger!!! Confused, i read your other thread. not wishing to hijack, but for me, looking at my own cheating the fact that he's know her 3 months speaks volumes He's made a huge life choice based on someone he's known 12 weeks. Thats just silly 12 weeks into my affair, I thought and truly believed i was in love. I even resented my Wife still being in my life. I resented God for letting me get married and have kids then introducing me to the real love of my life. Oh yes, life was so cruel, why couldn't I just be with the one I loved? Then of course my W found out, and guess what? i didn't want this love of my life anymore - I wanted my wife, and my life back Till things were steadier again, then i found myself crumbling toward the woman who gave me praise, attention, sex on tap etc etc - how can a wife working hard and raising 2 kids compare with that? Your guy will learn, as i did, that the grass always appears greener. Until he has to mow it. You cannot compare with this new woman at the moment because he is in a fog - you re familir and 'safe' to him, she is exciting, dangerous and new. I'm not saying that to upset you or put you down, just how he will most likely be seeing things Of course, when that dies off, which it will, he will see that you are the better person. This OW, like my OW, has little or no regard for someone else's R, however much he pursued her. She, like my OW will be needy and what happens when he stops fulfilling all those needs? Maybe she'll do it again and look outside for the solution I guess as the old saying goes ' If she does it with him, she'll do it to him' He's pleasing himself, you need to help you out right now and take care of yourself. You are the better person, take faith from that Hope this helps Matt
Author cj1988 Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 Confused, Honey it is not you, never has been or anything you are lacking. It is what he is lacking as a person. I know where you are and it is the worst thing I have ever felt in my life.....but as everyone told me once it clicks, it clicks and you are able to see HIM as who he really is and you will move on for YOU. You will be glad one day he did this when you are sitting next to Mr. Right who really loves you. I know you want answers, BUT you are not going to get them, trust it has been a year and my H has not answered one, now I do not care.....there is MY answer that I needed. I cannot wait to see a post from you like mine are now ! Hang in there, you will see it will all go away and so will the thoughts of him !
Author cj1988 Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 Hello Matty ! I think you are on to something here. Due to the fact you have an awesome W, you have suffered no pain on that side as you should.....now you sound like you may even resent the same wonderful W for ruining your fun.....although you are doing the right thing, it has become the same old life you were escapig from in the first place, right? Have you ever thought for just one minute, you do not want that life at all. People do change.....I have a friend that has 2 small children, split up for the last 4 months and now does not want to go back to her H. She realized she can be a good mom without him and have a free life to do what she wants when has a chance. So, do you really want this marriage now??? Are you just doing the right thing because you should? I will tell you like I told my H, if this not what you want now and this is NOT what is going to make you happy, then go, better for the both of us. Just because one is still in M mode does mean the other is not now.....so as you see, things change, what do YOU really want???? Do not stay for the kids either, bad move, you will leave anyway at some point ! Divorce normally consists of one that wants it and one that does not. Not all the time, but most. Atleast someone made a choice for themselves to be happy, eventually both will be in time. If you love your W with all your heart and soul and ALL you think about and want is your W, then stay.....if not, leave for a while and see what happens......if you love her be honest. I was honest with my H and it bothered me that he was hurting when I told him we need a break....after everything he has done to me, I still did not want to hurt him, BUT I have to do this for me now. I have to find out what I want or I will be living the same old LIE everyday ! Decide, **** or get off the pot......you may still think about the OW, but if you go NC, she will be history, trust me.....a long time ago I had an affair with someone for over a year, thought I was in love, but after it ended and with time, I realized I did not and the thoughts of him SLOWLY went away ! Make up your mind and do it, no relapse !
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