homer Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 working on separtion agreements. Been married for almost 2 years and have a 3 year old daughter. My wife is done working on relationship and is wanting this. She's staying put with daughter im going to live with friends and see what happens. She says she needs time to heal think focus on her wellness and or daughters. She wants no time table? She also doesnt want to make a commitment not to see other people but i do. My wife says its not about seeing men she has no sex drive and is not intrested. But when i ask her if we could agree not to see other people she says im trying to controll her and gets upset.
amaysngrace Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 I think maybe you are putting too much emphasis on her wanting the separation to see other people but I don't think that's what's going through her mind at all. And you saying it over and over not to see other people makes her feel further misunderstood by you. Also you cannot put a timetable on her sorting her thoughts out. To suggest that sounds controlling to me. Allow her to take all the time she needs but for your own sake please back off right now. Crowding her isn't going to do anything but push her further away.
redblack66 Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 working on separtion agreements. Been married for almost 2 years and have a 3 year old daughter. My wife is done working on relationship and is wanting this. She's staying put with daughter im going to live with friends and see what happens. She says she needs time to heal think focus on her wellness and or daughters. She wants no time table? She also doesnt want to make a commitment not to see other people but i do. My wife was very much the same. It turned out there was another man. I would not be surprised if your case is similar. My wife says its not about seeing men she has no sex drive and is not intrested. But when i ask her if we could agree not to see other people she says im trying to controll her and gets upset. Blah, blah. My wife told me that she was without a man for 5 years and could do it again. It took her only six days. Again, do not be surprised if there is another person.
Crestfallen_KH Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 There's someone else. I have to agree. She wouldn't care about not agreeing to see other people if she didn't have someone in mind. I'm sorry. It sucks. I hope we're wrong.
michelangelo Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I agree. She already has a guy on the side. Sorry man, you are being played.
Trimmer Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 What's the point of this separation? What is she "healing" from? In what way is she not well? Is there is a chance of you getting back together, or is this just a way to ease into a divorce? Given that she is driving this, it may be hard to determine, but I think this is an important consideration. Anyone who is separating to heal, with the possibility of reconciling later, should be willing to "not date" during the separation. Or put another way: for me, someone dating during a separation would be a deal breaker. You want to separate to heal? Great, I'll give you space. You want to separate to play the field, date around, and see what's out there besides me? Go right ahead; divorce papers will be served ASAP. So I suggest that you don't need to "get her" to agree one way or the other on the issue of seeing other people during your separation, but I think it reasonable to state your position that if there is any hope of reconciling the marriage, there cannot be other people involved. You can state that you don't plan to see anyone else, in any romantic/dating capacity, as long as you hold hope for reconciliation. And you can state that you will consider her seeing anyone else as ending her commitment to reconciling, and that in that event, you will take the initiative and file for divorce right away. This way, you are not attempting to wrench a commitment out of her with respect to dating others or not; you are stating your position, and what your boundaries are for you to stay in the relationship. I think you're entitled to that. It's the difference between saying on one hand, "You have to commit to me not to see anyone else during our separation" and agonizing over her refusal (which just creates a power struggle between you), and on the other hand saying: "I'll give you time and space, and I'll hope for the best, but please understand that I will not stay married if you choose to seek out other men. Now, go 'heal'."
redblack66 Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 If I had the knowledge and experience I have now in August, when my wife told me she needed space and did not commit to not dating, I would have filed for divorce IMMEDIATELY. I am not encouraging you to file, but I wish to warn you that there is a painful path that you may have to take before you realize what I am saying. If you have time, here is my thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t133240/ There is something to be learned from it. I went through a very painful experience and the result is not very different than the beginning, except that I learned something and feel much better that I am not the only one that broke the marriage.
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