lbj123 Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 I don't know...I am really torn on my feelings about this. I find that I HATE playing games; I find it exhausting, unnatural, and immature. I cannot stand the whole "how long should I wait before calling back" thing. But I constantly see examples of people, not necessarily intending to play games, but falling right into the theory of men (or women too) loving a challenge or wanting what you can't have. Very, very often, I see a guy or girl wanting the other person more if they can't have them. Lets say a guy and girl are dating. They both do like each other, but the guy seems to be a lot more into the girl. If the girl has doubts about getting serious, while the guy wants to be serious, the guy will go above and beyond to "get her." He will perhaps develop even stronger feelings for her as he tries to pull out all the stops with really nice gestures, calling often, planning fun, romantic dates, etc. I know this first hand and have seen how it actually makes the courter like the courtee even more. On the flip side, there have also been many times for me when I develop feelings and decide that, within very normal boundaries and not being over the top or intense, why should I play games? if I like this guy I don't want to hold back, I want to go for it, be available to spend time, answer his calls, etc. Sadly, in these circumstances, the guy almost always seems to be the one to lose interest, even if it started out with him being more interested. But, here's another example. I once dated a guy for a few months who was pretty conceited, a defnite player. i didnt know it at first, but I figured it out pretty quickly. He consantly cancelled plans on me, and it would piss me off to no end, though the next time he'd ask me out I'd say yes because I was dying to see him. I'd spend the next couple of days agonizing over whether or not he'd cancel and rationalize that because I liked him so much I was willing to take my chances, then sure enough he'd cancel shortly before our plans, and I'd get upset and kick myself for accepting the invitation in the first place. Finally I sent him an email telling him that I didn't want to see him anymore, that I would have told him in person but since it was impossible to make plans without him cancelling hours before, I was doing it over email. I told him not to contact me because I was completely through and sick of his BS and that even if he did call I wouldn't see him again because as a result of his unreliability, I no longer had feelings for him...sure enough, the guy did not leave me alone. Once he realized he couldn't have me, all he wanted was to make it work with me. What gives with playing games?? Is it a natural part of relationships?? It's so confusing!!!
lonelybird Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 What gives with playing games?? Is it a natural part of relationships?? It's so confusing!!! I don't know if it is natural, but every relationship has its own dancing, sometimes you don't know why you act certain ways, like subconscious play it out, much like to test if this one is trustworthy, or strong enough, or safe enough.... all I have to say is 'if you are dating, you have to be strong and sit tight and be patient', I always rely on God to hold me during the process, I am pretty fragile in that area even animals they act quite like us sometimes. I've heard when female eagle wants to couple with a male eagle, she would fly around, the one male eagle who can stick around can win her heart in the end, pretty interesting, isn't it?
Trialbyfire Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 even animals they act quite like us sometimes. I've heard when female eagle wants to couple with a male eagle, she would fly around, the one male eagle who can stick around can win her heart in the end, pretty interesting, isn't it? Don't all women love a man who has staying power? I agree with the OP. Piss or get off the pot.
lonelybird Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Don't all women love a man who has staying power? I agree with the OP. Piss or get off the pot. according to women, some loves a man with caring and patience and learn how to love a woman genuinely (this is real MAN power:laugh:). some loves a man like hilter who has manipulate power I wondered how can hilter's lover even can tolerate to be with him
Trialbyfire Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 according to women, some loves a man with caring and patience and learn how to love a woman genuinely (this is real MAN power:laugh:). some loves a man like hilter who has manipulate power I wondered how can hilter's lover even can tolerate to be with him I'm teasing lonelybird and what I was teasing about had nothing to do with who the man is. I'd rather drive over Hitler and I could do it, than consider dating someone as ethically challenged and inhuman as he was. Real men actually do enjoy quiche, with a little champagne for breakfast, of course.
D-Lish Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 I don't think it's possible to avoid a little bit of game playing in the initial stages of a relationship. We all say we don't want games- but it's human nature to be attracted to what we think we can't have.... when it's too easy and we know we can have it.... it's not a challenge and therefore not attractive to us. Why is that? Men are natural born hunters...they like a chase. That's not an off the cuff generalization about men... Evolution and Culture may have changed the dating scene a whole lot since our cave man ancestors and hunter gathering days..... but progress hasn't erased that deeply embedded urge to hunt. Have you read that book "Why men love bitches" ? The title may throw you off- but the insight is invaluable. I have read many books about men, love, relationships, etc.... but this one is truly a good, insightful read. It's not about a woman being an actual bitch... it's about understanding needs, relationships, how men think... how women do certain things that can destroy a potential realtionship..etc. I highly recommend it. A lot of the advice and insight that is in that book has been validated by my male friends... and I can tell you that after reading it, I have a much better understanding- and have had way more success with how I date. I actually read some of the "DON'T's" and cringed... because I know I have made those mistakes. I don't often recommend books to people- but for women- this one is a keeper. Try not to think of it as playing games, it's more about internalizing the right information so you aren't walking into relationships unarmed.
Author lbj123 Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 Thanks everyone for your replies! I think part of the reason I posted this is, I have been feeling particularly confused and just general down and disinterested in dating since my last relationship ended. After my marriage ended, I felt hopeful, strong, excited for the future. i felt that, despite the horrible circumstance, I came out of it with a better understanding of my wants, needs and desires. I gained a self knowledge that really felt great and empowering. However, after my recent relationship ended, I now just feel confused and question exactly what it was I was after in the first place. I thought I had a better understanding of relationships, but now I just don't know. I feel lost on what makes a relationship work, and its sad to think that so many of them fail. What should I be looking for, what should I be giving?
Krytie TV Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 I do get the feeling that many people are taught to hold back on their normal emotions or desires because over and over again you hear and see that if you act too naturally you are labeled as needy and insecure. The problem is that as these people begin to hold back on their natural inclinations, they do so clumsily as it is not something that comes easily. This can come off as difficult to understand by those on the other end. Granted, there will always be people that just seem to have no rhyme or reason to their behavior, and obviously, those are the ones to be wary of. I myself have struggled with my behavior over and over again. I ride a constant line of wanting to act naturally and yet feeling the need to act differently or more uncaring in order to be successful in whatever you want to call this world of dating. It would never involve canceling dates for no reason but it does involved some form of self-imposed withdrawl and reduced contact. It's a difficult line for me to walk, admittedly.
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