Trialbyfire Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I'm going to say this, whether it's wanted information or not. Until a cheater loses something they value, it's a very rare cheater who learns anything from their indiscretion. Only trauma causes someone to change and even then, isn't always a permanent fix.
BetrayedMM Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Yes, I know... that's what it took for me. And even that might not do it. I have hope, but not very much of it. I have to agree with the list, and add that the fallout gets further complicated by marriage- the consequences ripple out much further, affect many more people. The process is much slower. The band-aid effect- hurts less if ya do it quick. I only wish I had that ability, but no matter what happens, this will be a slow process for me. Anything that helps at all is priceless, so I think it's good that you acted quickly. And that you were able to.
Author 3rdI Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 Yes, I know... that's what it took for me. And even that might not do it. I have hope, but not very much of it. I have to agree with the list, and add that the fallout gets further complicated by marriage- the consequences ripple out much further, affect many more people. The process is much slower. The band-aid effect- hurts less if ya do it quick. I only wish I had that ability, but no matter what happens, this will be a slow process for me. Anything that helps at all is priceless, so I think it's good that you acted quickly. And that you were able to. I would have done this in a marriage as well. My children were watching. Not all the drama, but how I would handle myself. They were proud and happy. I sat down and prepped them before I started making the changes. If you find a whippin dog you will whip it. Until the dog bites you. I have no tolerance for mistreatment. Proverbs says that a wise woman does not tear her house down....but it also says that "Only a dog goes back to its own vomit." I will not ever stay with anyone that cheats on me, ever!
BetrayedMM Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 It appears I'm displaying that blindness I was talking about... Ya know, part of the reason I pushed for MC is that it helps when it comes time to divorce to show that I gave it my best shot, not just a desperate attempt to save the marriage... win win for me either way. I'd have to say it's done more harm than good anyway- she's gone from going postal if I try to talk about it to dead silence. Like talking to a wall. To me that ain't progress. But, anyway, I'm going thru this with my eyes open, I know there's not much hope, and am preparing myself mentally for the worst. As far as my kids- they don't know about this yet(nobody does), and I won't tell them until my decision is final... they don't need to share my pain yet. It's not their fault, so I will do what I can to shield them from knowing their Mom did this as long as possible(and she sure as hell ain't gonna tell em!). For that matter, right now they have one home, not 2. The drama and tension have been kept away from them- they know we have problems, but not what exactly yet. And, yes, they are watching. They certainly know which is the stable parent, I have nothing to be ashamed of there. I am the one who is both there for them, and there with them... but divorce might change that. I need every bit of ammo I can get for the 'war' that seems inevitable at this point, after all, I'm not female, and custody usually goes to Mom unless there are... circumstances. I gotta apologize again, I got started and just went on... just tryin' to explain, I'm not a doormat.... For instance- d-day was Oct 27. She has been in NC since then (her idea). I can and do verify that, without her knowledge. If that changes, game over. Checkmate.
Author 3rdI Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 Hi everyone: Well I got tested for the full panel of STD's today. It was hard telling the doctor who was seeing us for pre-conception visits that it was now necessary to test me for HIV, hepatitis, gon, syph and etc. I had so many tests today...three vials of blood. This is the reality of cheating. I asked the doctor how often this happens. He said often, but that many women probably do not get tested or in fact leave the man. He asked me if it was over and I let him know that in no uncertain terms that it was over. I feel good about my decision but it was a blow to face the reality that I should be tested again in 6 months. I knew it but I just don't want to be thinking about the crap that he FORCED upon me with his bad bad bad behavior. Can I beat him up?
Trialbyfire Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Yes, you can beat him up. Better yet, give him a sword to commit seppuku, for the honour of the family... Btw, it's best to have a number of your STD tests redone, over time, because some of the results won't be accurate until a certain amount of time passes.
JustBreathe Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Oh, he's not worth beating up, considering he is still with the OW. At least that's what I understand, he's with her? You will only ruin your manicure. Let her have him and share their mutual dysfunction. You are well rid. You said, "You know its bad enough to cheat with the mind and heart; but to go forward with the body takes a lot of mental contortion. Do they split themselves? When you do something wrong do you have a psyche break ??? I guess it depends on values and morals. I wanted to revenge cheat but could not do it...at all." ---- After years of rumination over how it happend, why, etc. etc., I have come to believe that some of us have a clearly defined line we will not cross and some of us have a line that can be shifted as needed to justify cheating or whatever other addiction they have. They just plain don't think like we do. Some cheaters can change and quit cheating, but it takes alot of time and effort. Even then they do so only because it causes THEM pain and discomfort, without understanding what it does to us, how deep it cuts, how altered our lives are afterwards. Once a cheater is not always a cheater, but maybe not for the reasons we would like to believe - that they love us enough that they will stop hurting us. It's themselves they're concerned with. It's not that we're better or holier than thou, we're just plain different. We have different ideas about love and marriage and commitment. We don't have the same values. Not to say their values are inferior to ours, just that not everyone should be married or in a committed relationship as they are not suited for it.
Author 3rdI Posted December 13, 2007 Author Posted December 13, 2007 I knew this right????.....no. It's hard to square up, but your explanation is perfectly valid and clear. TBF: Thanks...didn't know that I needed to repeat the other STD tests. I won't beat him up....I view him as a weak weak person already. Besides the emotional beating I gave him should satisfy me....I hope. I am just engaging in violent communication again. I am reading a book called "Non-violent communication" felt like I needed it because I was so vitrolic in my anger when I kicked him out. For someone that ALWAYS keeps her cool, I was verbally abusive in a subtle and cruel way. No, you may argue that it was warranted, but I hate saying nasty stuff just for the "punch." I hated that I did not cooly ask him to leave, but was dramatic in packing his stuff and calling her to pick it up. Now he can tell his friends that I went off on him and I am crazy. And I didn't directly talk to him except to say that I talked to her and that he has a place to go. But what I did was that I told her all the nasty things I wanted to say to or about him but never did. And I did it in casual conversation....it was totally unnecessary and I hate that I did it. I looked really bitter. I need to curb my tongue.
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