The Fallout from a double life

[3rdI]

I ended an engagement when I found out that he cheated the entire time. The details are really sordid and proved to be sicker than what I believed happened. Everyone wants to know and then they reveal little secrets about him that add more layers and complications. I ended it swiftly and yes I was hurt, angry but....

 

I never thought that I would hear about multiple affairs that he tried (did) to have...thought it was just one person. The fallout:

 

1. Need STD testing

2. Can't sleep

3. Can't eat

4. Can't concentrate on work

5. Obsessing over why he did what he did

6. Can't forgive myself (if I am so smart, how did HE fool me)

7. Can't trust myself with others (am I that bad of a judge of people?)

8. I want revenge

9. I want to see her hurt like I have been (but feel guilty)

10. Can't stop aggravating him (but I have...just keeping thinking about being vengeful)

 

I do not want to be with him.....but why can't I get over what he has done? I made the appointment for testing and I hate to tell the doctor why. I just went for a prenatal visit.....ugh. Now I feel like kicking his Mr Peanut A**. YOU SEEEEEE

[Confused9]

I am so sorry. My fiance just broke it off with me because he cheated and is now having a baby with the lady. It's like he is having a new life now. I don't understand how people can do what they do...but for some reason they do.

 

I am very sorry that you are going through the STD issues and stuff. I luckily used protection EVERY time we slept together and we only slept together 3 times until I found out he cheated.

 

I really really really hope you are okay in terms of that. Other than that...you need to just take care of yourself. Don't allow his mistakes to bring you down. Make you a priority!!! You need to take care of you. I know it's easier said than done trust me as I sit here typing this I am thinking...yeah right you don't do that either (you meaning me) but try. Take a bath, go to the gym, EAT, try and get some sleep and get some counseling. You need to get counseling so you can work on your trust issues. I have them already because of what my father did to me and counseling will help you learn that not all people will do this.

 

As for you being stupid...you ARE NOT stupid. He is stupid. You are a wonderful person and someone hurt you becasue they are selfish. It is NOT a reflection of you.

 

If you need to chat...let me know.

 

Again, I am going through this and I am so so sorry. I know how hard it is.

[Confused9]

Let me clarify... He was home for the weekend because he was away for work and I think he had slept with her before...not really sure...but we only slept together 3 times that weekend. Not 3 times our entire relationship.

[mattym]

It's a real eye-opener to read this post. thank you for writing it - as a cheater I only ever considered myself. Maybe even now I still am, but posts like this make me realise how my Wife must be feeling

 

You sound like a decent person so I'm sure you will find happiness with an equally decent person

 

If i can be of any help re. the cheaters perspective, give me a shout. Talking about things really helps me

 

Matt

[Frances]

All the feelings you are going through are normal. It is dreadfull that you have to go through this. I have only stopped having fantasies about getting revenge recently after 17 months since d day.

 

The main thing is that you look after yourself and try not to beat yourself up over not knowing, they are great at fooling you and why would you be looking for the bad in him.

 

When is the baby due? have you got support? Friends and family can be very supportive if you let them.

 

I hope the std tests work out okay. Most cases are fine, you just have to make sure.

 

Try to deal with just one thing at a time, the rest you say I will deal with another one tomorrow, my mind can not take it all on at the moment.

 

hugs to you.

[Sierra Sunrise]

I'm so sorry for your pain, wanting revenge is highly normal but if you got it you'd still feel bad. You might be gratified in the beginning but in the end you'd still be back at square one. The best revenge you can get is by showing him that you are no one's fool and making it on your own and being the healthiest happiest you.

 

A few questions however, what was his excuse? I mean what did he have to say for himself? Are you saying you're pregnant? If you are I would make him pay for his responsibilities.

 

As a reformed serial cheater myself I can honestly say the thing that made my marriage work was changing and working on myself. I was not in love with the people I cheated with, I was merely trying to narcotize myself with the "highs" of the affairs. In all honesty if I were to tally up how many I had I think it was at least 20 different affairs. Not all I slept with. I felt deep remorse and guilt and sadness. I'm not saying he does. Have you two at least tried to talk? It sounds to me like there is something missing in him that he feels the need to do those things. Anyhow the only advice I can give you is to keep your head up, take things day by day, try not to get too over obsessed, and take care of you. That's the best revenge.

[cj1988]

Sorry you are hurting, as you see we have all been there and some have not. I do believe the cheater is hurt to by their actions, but do not care about that right now.....JUST REMEMBER THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU OR YOUR FAULT.....a cheater makes you feel this when it is not.....it is their problem and only their problem. Take care of yourself and I promise, I know it will get better. I was just like you at first, on here wanting it all to go away, never thought it would, but it does...I promise !

[Trialbyfire]

3rdI, I know exactly what you're going through. You will go through this roller coaster of emotions, where it rips you apart inside. But in the end, you will come out as a stronger person.

 

Don't let the bitterness take you over. This is one man out of so many who don't and won't cheat. You'll learn what to look for, see red flags and know what they could potentially mean.

 

Two blatant red flags are:

1. Watch out for selfish individuals.
   
2. Watch out for needy individuals, who require more validation than the average, well balanced individual.

[abeliever]

Wow. You need to read my first post! You are where I was. Only I did marry the sorry well you know. Now his last OW is pregnant. It's a freakin Jerry Springer show, sad but true.

 

I know your anger as I still feel it when he makes stupid comments like it was nothing. Yes, be obssessive. But only to a point. Don't let it control you.

 

But yes, I do know your pain.

abeliever

[3rdI]

But we were trying. He did not have children and I felt guilty about the termination that I had.The drama. I am set financially and I footed all of the bills anyway. Its such a shock to be devoted but then to realize that the person that you thought you knew is nowhere to be found. TBF made a direct hit. He fit criteria 1 AND 2. I was too powerful for him. I am a lawyer and professor and he was jealous about my travel for work to nice places.Always concerned about others looking at me. MORE FALLOUT:I do not want to date black men anymore. I love them but if they have lower educational levels and come from deprived socioeconomic backgrounds...they can't handle a powerful educated black woman. And then to be respected by the community and pretty decent looking.....my pickings are slim to none.Am I destined to be alone or to settle for less? That's how I arrived here.I am strong but my confidence is definitely shaken. I felt better when I met the other woman. She felt worse. I pulled up in my Cadillac SUV and gave her the engagement ring. I had my fur coat on too. She told me that he is in pain...the way that she was in pain when he dumped her by voicemail and changed his number.He does not know why he did it and he wanted to kill himself. Another selfish act.I no longer feel that I am better than her. I am different because I stand on my own two feet and I will never allow anyone to mistreat me.But it still hurts and I doubt myself in ways that I haven't before.

[Trialbyfire]

I do not want to date black men anymore. I love them but if they have lower educational levels and come from deprived socioeconomic backgrounds...they can't handle a powerful educated black woman.

Is it that they can't handle an educated black woman or is it that they feel you look down on them. There are plenty of educated men of any race.

 

Sorry, I have issues with racism, reverse or otherwise and I'm caucasian.

And then to be respected by the community and pretty decent looking.....my pickings are slim to none.

There are many single, educated men in their thirties to fifties. Many are previously divorced or have been relationship resistant for years. After my divorce, they came out of the woodwork. It was surprising how many there were. Don't mentally limit yourself.

Am I destined to be alone or to settle for less?

No way. Another way to look at it is, you now know better, what you want from a man so the next one will be a better choice. Also, isn't it better to be single, independent and happy, rather than be in an unhappy relationship?

[NoIDidn't]

But we were trying. He did not have children and I felt guilty about the termination that I had.The drama. I am set financially and I footed all of the bills anyway. Its such a shock to be devoted but then to realize that the person that you thought you knew is nowhere to be found. TBF made a direct hit. He fit criteria 1 AND 2. I was too powerful for him. I am a lawyer and professor and he was jealous about my travel for work to nice places.Always concerned about others looking at me. MORE FALLOUT:I do not want to date black men anymore. I love them but if they have lower educational levels and come from deprived socioeconomic backgrounds...they can't handle a powerful educated black woman. And then to be respected by the community and pretty decent looking.....my pickings are slim to none.Am I destined to be alone or to settle for less? That's how I arrived here.I am strong but my confidence is definitely shaken. I felt better when I met the other woman. She felt worse. I pulled up in my Cadillac SUV and gave her the engagement ring. I had my fur coat on too. She told me that he is in pain...the way that she was in pain when he dumped her by voicemail and changed his number.He does not know why he did it and he wanted to kill himself. Another selfish act.I no longer feel that I am better than her. I am different because I stand on my own two feet and I will never allow anyone to mistreat me.But it still hurts and I doubt myself in ways that I haven't before.

 

Hey, don't be like that.

I understand having the sentiment, but not actually going through with it. Men are men no matter what the race. What will you do when the non-black man cheats on you?

 

Don't look down on him because of his lack of ...whatever... And don't put yourself on a pedestal because of a gas-guzzling SUV and dead animal on your shoulders. That was really low. But, I do get that you are hurt and angry.

 

Just don't go off the deep end with the comparisons and starting to believe that you are better than someone else because of your education or material possessions.

 

It hurts, but not because he is black. It hurts because you are human.

[BetrayedMM]

Oh, come on now. This is how she feels, not simply what she thinks. Folks are so quick to jump on the 'you're a racist' bandwagon that they won't see what she's saying. Please, take a little time to think before calling folks racist, it's such an ugly label to slap on people.

 

Listen, all of us who have been cheated on have triggers, things that will bring the pain back in an instant, immediately, full force. One of those triggers could easily be a person with similar physical and/or social characteristics to the one who did the cheating. Someone who reminds you of them. That is NOT racism.

 

As far as the Escalade and fur, hey, those are status symbols, and she was showing the competition what she was up against. I don't blame her. There are those of us who resort to violence fer chrissake! If she got some small measure of satisfaction or closure by doing that, good for her!

 

The woman came here for the same reason as the rest of us... I think that alone makes her worthy of respect and understanding. I, for one, am listening, I hear, and I understand.

 

I'm very sorry this has happened, I wish there was anything I could say to help. I too am wondering if there are any(well, women) who can be trusted... yeah, one can know that there are, but feel that there are not. It's tough.

[3rdI]

I guess what I meant was that men find me intimidating and my accomplishments are many.....if I looked down on those with less education and socieconomic status I would not have dated him in the first place.

 

I was just trying to say that relationships are hard enough, but when you add to the mix someone that is insecure... things get really dicey. I would like to dispose of that issue by avoiding men that may view me as intimidating. Don't we all sort out people by our preferences? Is sorting on someone with blue eyes and blonde hair anymore noble than sorting on education and socioeconomic status? It is a little more objectionable but why?

 

Note: I did say that I got over that really fast in regards to feeling better than her. She turned out to be a really lovely person that made my transition very easy and consequently her life very hard.

 

Also, I love black men but I have had especially bad luck with them. Do I really mean that I am giving up on them...probably not. Dogs come in all colors and I was just venting. He is actually latino culturally but racially black. His family is from central america.

 

As far as the material things, I do like the finer things in life...especially if I get a deal and do not pay top dollar. I like quality and value and for that I do not make any apologies. I was merely communicating my frame of mind at the time and how that changed when I humanized the other woman. Read that comment in context.

 

She is the only victim....I feel sorry for her. I refused to be the victim after I found out what he was up to.....

 

But can't I be honest about how I really felt and what I was thinking contemporaneously? Sure I need to resolve these issues, but once again this is more of the fallout and it sucks and I do NOT want to be bitter.

 

I want to own this, even the ugly part, deal with it and dispose of it so that I do not repeat this mistake.

[3rdI]

Oh, come on now. This is how she feels, not simply what she thinks. Folks are so quick to jump on the 'you're a racist' bandwagon that they won't see what she's saying. Please, take a little time to think before calling folks racist, it's such an ugly label to slap on people.

 

Exactly the point. Thanks for understanding how the post was constructed.

 

Listen, all of us who have been cheated on have triggers, things that will bring the pain back in an instant, immediately, full force. One of those triggers could easily be a person with similar physical and/or social characteristics to the one who did the cheating. Someone who reminds you of them. That is NOT racism.

 

Big trigger for me right now and I know that it is unreasonable but it is what I am dealing with right now.

 

As far as the Escalade and fur, hey, those are status symbols, and she was showing the competition what she was up against. I don't blame her. There are those of us who resort to violence fer chrissake! If she got some small measure of satisfaction or closure by doing that, good for her!

 

Not an Escalade, a little to gauche and bling for me I have the SRX crossover.

 

The woman came here for the same reason as the rest of us... I think that alone makes her worthy of respect and understanding. I, for one, am listening, I hear, and I understand.

 

Thank you

 

I'm very sorry this has happened, I wish there was anything I could say to help. I too am wondering if there are any(well, women) who can be trusted... yeah, one can know that there are, but feel that there are not. It's tough.

 

It is more than tough...even when you act swiftly.

[3rdI]

I'm so sorry for your pain, wanting revenge is highly normal but if you got it you'd still feel bad. You might be gratified in the beginning but in the end you'd still be back at square one. The best revenge you can get is by showing him that you are no one's fool and making it on your own and being the healthiest happiest you.

 

Thank you I showed him that I am no one's fool and I have always made it on my own.....being healthy, that's why I am seeing a therapist and eliciting help from the everyday folk at LS:rolleyes:

 

A few questions however, what was his excuse?

 

He has no excuse and did not give him the opportunity to put forth any. I handled my business with him and kept it moving. I don't play.

 

As a reformed serial cheater myself I can honestly say the thing that made my marriage work was changing and working on myself.

 

Told him to do this, but I would never be interested in his progress...finished with a good luck.

 

I was not in love with the people I cheated with,

 

She told me that he said that he didn't love her. She said that she didn't believe him because he kept sleeping with her.

 

Have you two at least tried to talk? There is nothing to say. I must get over this because there are no valid reasons why people decide to expend their energy on another relationship while still in another. You can never receive fulfillment this way. A house divided soon falls and it is utlimately a sin against self. You are stuck with you and you must still deal with the emptiness that lead you to cheat yourself....the other people can choose to stay or move on.

 

It sounds to me like there is something missing in him that he feels the need to do those things. Anyhow the only advice I can give you is to keep your head up, take things day by day, try not to get too over obsessed, and take care of you. That's the best revenge.

 

Thanks and I am so working on this.

[3rdI]

Is it that they can't handle an educated black woman or is it that they feel you look down on them. There are plenty of educated men of any race.

 

Sorry, I have issues with racism, reverse or otherwise and I'm caucasian.

 

Not racism...just more likely too run into those without an education ampong black men and having 5 1/2 degrees does not help.

 

There are many single, educated men in their thirties to fifties. Many are previously divorced or have been relationship resistant for years. After my divorce, they came out of the woodwork. It was surprising how many there were. Don't mentally limit yourself.

 

I'll try to expand my dating sphere. I love dark black men and that was limiting. I think that this makes me less racist ...ok just kidding.

 

No way. Another way to look at it is, you now know better, what you want from a man so the next one will be a better choice. Also, isn't it better to be single, independent and happy, rather than be in an unhappy relationship?

 

 

WHAT!!!! Single, independent and working on happy. That's my choice.

 

Many older gramma type black women say that "A piece of man is better than no man." I say, "A piece of man is NO man.":laugh:

[Trialbyfire]

WHAT!!!! Single, independent and working on happy. That's my choice.

 

Many older gramma type black women say that "A piece of man is better than no man." I say, "A piece of man is NO man.":laugh:

You'll get there if you focus on it. Been there, babe. We strong ones will survive and come through as even better women.

 

You and me both. While there's one piece I wouldn't mind having, it needs to be connected to someone I want and care about.

[3rdI]

You'll get there if you focus on it. Been there, babe. We strong ones will survive and come through as even better women.

 

You and me both. While there's one piece I wouldn't mind having, it needs to be connected to someone I want and care about.

 

 

I am going through withdrawal.....but I told him the same thing....no more dirty d*** for me. I do not like sloppy seconds.

 

I sleep in an X across the bed now its fun but sometimes lonely ( tears in my eyes). Everytime I feel this way I consider what I could be dealing with and suck it up.

 

More fallout....I've been drinking. I usually do not drink at all, but I have been very close with my new friend MERLOT.

[BetrayedMM]

Wait... you did not make the mistake- he did! I understand that you don't want to repeat what happened, but the bottom line is he cheated, this is his fault. It was his selfishness that caused this, not your generosity. It sounds to me like you were giving him the world and he threw it all away. Maybe you would be better off disowning this, it's not your responsibility, maybe working towards not feeling responsible... (referring to the 'I want to own this')

 

I think the best advice was already given- know what personality types to avoid.

 

Ya know, it's funny, it's very easy for me to see trouble when it comes to new people in someone else's life... When I sense trouble, I'm literally never wrong about that in the long run... except for people who come into MY life! I wish I were able to view them objectively, yet, I seem to be blind to those same red flags when it comes to those who I meet...

[NoIDidn't]

I was just venting. .

 

I got that. That's why I said the part about I understand that you are hurting.

 

I have been there before. In fact, I stopped dating "american" men altogether.

 

I understand showing her what she was up against, too. But even after its done, we generally don't feel any better than we did before the action.

 

I just reacted to the "black" man part. Being black myself and having been hurt by many black men, I totally understand. Just didn't want you to get stuck there. Expanding your dating sphere is not a bad idea. If I wasn't married, I'd love to go out with my favorite Chinese actor!!!

 

But seriously, put the Merlot back into the cellar. Stop believing the lie that your accomplishments define you and then hamper you in Rs.

 

Have you spoken to him since he told you he was suicidal?

[3rdI]

I got that. That's why I said the part about I understand that you are hurting.

 

I have been there before. In fact, I stopped dating "american" men altogether. So why were you hard on a sista then???

 

I understand showing her what she was up against, too.

 

I wasn't showing her what she was up against...I am the same person that I was before I knew about her. She commented on the car, my home and lifestyle, and I saw the pain in her eyes because she realized that he dumped her to try and get a better life (but on false pretenses). At that point, she realized that he had no heart and didn't love anyone but himself. I figured that out when I realized the extent of what he was doing. She thought she had won and it dawned on her that I pawned him off on her and that he loves no one. It was a coup! Now he is her problem and she is trying to get him to commit or move out. Imagine that!

 

 

But even after its done, we generally don't feel any better than we did before the action.

 

I did. Plain and simple. I feel like I won because he was no longer in my house and not my problem any more. Be careful of what you ask for!

 

 

But seriously, put the Merlot back into the cellar. Good advice and I will heed it tomorrow. Tonight one more glass (sorry...see that's why he didn't like me ...hard headed!).

 

Stop believing the lie that your accomplishments define you and then hamper you in Rs. It was a reality and has been. I am a handful admittedly. And when they have confirmed this out of their own mouth, then what? Are you saying that this is just "their" problem/excuse?

 

Have you spoken to him since he told you he was suicidal?

She is with him and he won't....he was busted and instead of taking responsibility, he manufactured a crises.

 

Thank you BetrayedMM for helping me focus on the fact that he did this. I still feel however that I played some part in it because I could stop being dynamic and overshadowing him....this is part of that doubt that creeps in......

[BetrayedMM]

OK, that's a good attitude... self improvement and introspection are a healthy way of beginning to deal with this. I was just worried that you might feel that you could have done something to prevent this... and are beating yourself up over all the 'what ifs'. I catch myself doing that all too often.

 

The fact is- there is nothing you could have done to prevent him from doing this. He did what he wanted to do, not because of you, but in spite of you. Also, there is only so much we can to to attempt to control the desires and actions of others before we cross the line into being... manipulative. You cannot force love and respect, and even when you have earned it, it doesn't mean we can get it from those who we love and respect... it doesn't always balance out, and we cannot change that.

 

It sounds like you already know this on some level- after all, you did end the relationship. It sounds like you know there is nothing you can do to change who and what he is, and accept that fact, and are moving on. It doesn't sound like you ended it merely out of anger and disgust(although we all know about THAT!), but because 'cheater' is what he is at heart, and you know it.

 

Heh- apparently better than me... here I am going thru MC with my wife... who still won't even fully admit to her A, even though I have a TON of actual physical non-hearsay, non-anecdotal, tangible evidence. Some folks would call that proof, as it's certainly beyond a reasonable doubt, let alone a preponderance of evidence.(sorry bout that)

Frankly, you sound stronger than me, and I envy that. You have given ME much to think about...

[3rdI]

I have a TON of actual physical non-hearsay, non-anecdotal, tangible evidence. Some folks would call that proof, as it's certainly beyond a reasonable doubt, let alone a preponderance of evidence.(sorry bout that)

Frankly, you sound stronger than me, and I envy that. You have given ME

much to think about...

 

Apply this black letter law, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." No exceptions to the rule.

 

You know its bad enough to cheat with the mind and heart; but to go forward with the body takes a lot of mental contortion. Do they split themselves? When you do something wrong do you have a psyche break ??? I guess it depends on values and morals.

 

I wanted to revenge cheat but could not do it...at all. And will not consider dating for a few months or more. This was devastating.

[BetrayedMM]

I hear ya! Thanks for the advice.

 

Now, here's the thing- I must confess, many moons ago, when I was 17 thru 19 years old (Back when The Gipper was a new pres. Ugh.) I had a girlfriend that I cheated on several times. I tore that girl apart... for no good reason. I have always regretted that, but not at the time... I am certainly NOT the same person now, and cannot agree with that rule. Fact is, sometimes we change inside, sometimes we see the light. A person at one point in life might not even be able to recognize themselves from another point in life if that were possible.

Sometimes(in my case) the change is rapid. What it took for me was to fully realize what I had done, what I had lost, and why.

 

That being said, I understand that when you have the cheating mindset, habit, urge, yes, there is no outside force that can change that. A cheater must change from within, not just for themselves, but for the sake of those they love. When it happens(or if), it's an epiphany, like flicking a switch.

 

Considering that I'm long married, 3 kids, mortgage, a life built around her, it's not so easy to walk away, even though a large part of me is screaming END THIS. I'm hoping that my wife will have that epiphany... soon. I don't know how much longer I can take it, and I'm beginning to feel that a divorce would be a relief, not a disaster.

 

And, I apologize! This is supposed to be about you!