blon_dee Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Hi all.. i was here a few weeks ago.. Long story short i discovered about 7 wks ago my partner of almost a year had been contacting people on an adult site looking for sex i guess... I kicked him out (he was living with me) then and there.. The next few days he begged and begged for forgiveness, said i was the love of his life blah blah... Against my better judgment, i took him back. things were good for a few weeks, him living in his own place blah blah... Then just the other day, with no real warnings of any problems, we had booked and paid for a holiday together in a few weeks and everything, one of my close girlfriends rings me and says he has txt her insinuating he wanted to catch up with her. Naturally, i attacked and he just said it was totally innocent.. then it all came out that he has now decided he thought he wanted the whole commitment thing, but now he doesnt. What the hell is that all about??? I told him it was over, cancelled the holiday.. He then rang me saying why did you do that, i just needed time to think and has started to be quite angry towards me.. I know i have done the right thing, i just knew i could not trust him and i could tell he would never commit to anything long term. his own mother called me last time we broke up saying Hes had so many girls, they never last one, but i thought he was finally going to settle down.. What is with this??? Why all the promises... And why, even though i ended it, do i still feel so so sad????? I really loved this guy...
quankanne Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 even though you've made that tough decision to call the relationship off, your heart's still involved and so you're sad ... it'll take awhile for your heart to catch up with your brains, but you do get to that point. I think I'm a bit confused as to why HE is angry with YOU – is it because you busted him in a lie, or because he felt that he's the one to establish the parameters of your relationship (i.e., I can sniff around, but I'll still keep my girl, too)? Or because he never expected you to put your foot down this way? For whatever reason, I think his response is a huge red flag in that he's nowhere near ready to be in a committed, monogamous relationship. Even if his family held out hope that you'd be the one (in reference to what you shared about his mother telling you) ...
Author blon_dee Posted December 10, 2007 Author Posted December 10, 2007 He was angry that i ended it and cancelled the holiday straight away. He said he just needed time to think. Time to think what?? It just hurts so much, this is a guy who had me trying on engagement rings a few weeks ago, professing he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.. Now all he can say is " you want commitment, im not that person, i thought i wanted it, but now i dont". WHY??? the big issue is i have a daughter, he cant handle it, says he cant handle the responsibility of someone elses kid. But its not like he hasnt known about it the past YEAR he has been with me... But i know, my child comes first as hard as it is to sacrifice any kind of love life.. I just feel so lost and hurt. My hb left when my daughter was just a baby, i just got divorced earlier this year.. It just feels like my life is just a total mess and all i have ever done is tried to love him and do the right thing...........
Lee725 Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Hi Blon Dee, sorry you are going thru this, an EX of mine that i was with for 3 1/2 years did some similar stuff to him. i wont go right into it but My ex and i were trying to have a baby and talking about building our lives together but in his spare time (unkown to me at this point), he was on my computer on on-line dating aganecies and amoungst other things, sleeping with his new 36 yr old mistress. From my experience these people try to lead double lives and it makes them so mad when you catch them out on it. As hard as it will be, you will prob have to turn away from him and begin to re-build your life with your daughter. You dont need the crap, she does not need the crap and if he was a decent man he would not be running around behind you. Let him go babe (i know easy for me to say), but i have been there like most on here who are recovered and are still recovering. good luck
Author blon_dee Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 Thanks for the input... I guess its just all the stages im going through, having all these thoughts.. Today i feel like i want him back.. The truth is, i was the one who decided to take him back the first time and i never really gave him a chance due to being so paranoid he would do it again. Thats what hes saying anyway. I do believe im guilty of that. I was paranoid all the time, ringing him all the time. I should have i guess, taken him on faith, been a little cautious, but maybe i went overboard being paranoid all the time. He says he loves being with me but he loves his time alone too and feels its all or nothing with me.. Am I the one whos to blame here??? Should i have let him have more space??? When we first split we agreed to go to counselling together, however we never did it.. Is there any point trying to salvage this relationship????
Author blon_dee Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 Update to my story... we keep txting each other trying to work out what went wrong. i know i shouldnt do it... But i really feel we have a lot to lose here... Thanks for the input... I guess its just all the stages im going through, having all these thoughts.. Today i feel like i want him back.. The truth is, i was the one who decided to take him back the first time and i never really gave him a chance due to being so paranoid he would do it again. Thats what hes saying anyway. I do believe im guilty of that. I was paranoid all the time, ringing him all the time. I should have i guess, taken him on faith, been a little cautious, but maybe i went overboard being paranoid all the time. He says he loves being with me but he loves his time alone too and feels its all or nothing with me.. Am I the one whos to blame here??? Should i have let him have more space??? When we first split we agreed to go to counselling together, however we never did it.. Is there any point trying to salvage this relationship????
Author blon_dee Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 Oops sorry for the double entry there,, it didnt go through the first time, i though.. Sorry....... Still would appreciate input.. thanks
polywog Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Blon, you had every right to feel "paranoid", mistrustful. If he had any maturity, he would understand that it was his responsibility to prove himself trustworthy, and be sensitive to your feelings of betrayal. In other words, the ball was in his court to prove himself worthy. Instead, he turned it all on you and made You feel crazy. That's selfish. I know you have all these feelings for the guy, but he is Not Worthy of You.... he's terribly immature and selfish, in his actions and expectations. I know that doesn't make all your hurt go away and that you're mourning the loss of the R, but you are So better off with out him, and you'll heal.
Author blon_dee Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 Thanks Polywog.. i think you are right.. It just hurts so much, i really love this man....
Author blon_dee Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 Well... i got an email from him this morning... It certainly hasnt made me feel any better, but i know i did the right thing............ I dont know if i can do the friends thing.. He wants to catch up next week to exchange xmas presents we had already bought each other.... Any advice???? heres the email.... "You did act a little rash on Monday by canceling the flights but what done is done and there is not much we can do about that now. I only wanted a day to think and get back to you. My heart and head feels we did the right thing by ending our relationship. But that is not too say that I take from my part any animosity from the time we had. I really enjoyed being with you but I do feel that I cannot commit. No one’s fault just something that happened. I am personally exhausted from the last couple of months and feel that going our separate ways right now is the best thing in the long run for us both. Don’t get me wrong I am sad about it and feel badly for the damage and hurt I have caused you. But I believe we both can say that we had fun ‘most of the time’….lol, over the last 11-12months. I believe we both need to focus on the important things in our lives, family, home and friendship. Something I believe we both may have neglected over the past months. Again no one’s fault just not enough time in the day sometimes. I do truly love you and care for you deeply but as you said ‘sometimes love may not be enough’. I will always be up for a chat or a drink to catch up and ‘chew the fat’….sometimes it is good to catch up once in a while with a ‘good friend’.
Recommended Posts