SNE Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 I have been married for 8 years and have two daughters 6 & 3. The little one is in a special school that assists with speech. My little one can be a bit trying and is often a burden for my wife. Her teacher in the past has provided some advice in helping her behavior. Over the past month or so I started to see very little subtle changes in my wife. Little tiny things such as much more time in the gym, talking about other relationships etc. When I started to mention how divorce is tough on kids she replied to me that kids are resilient and that really stuck in my head for some reason. Two weeks ago I was not feeling very well and could not sleep. I went to the PC to pay some bills and logged on to our cell phone site. This lead me to my W’s phone where I heard a voice mail that has crushed me. The VM starts with “it’s me…..want to see how you’re doing…sent you an email blah blah and end with I’ll talk to you tomorrow “I LOVE YOU” This message came from my daughters married teacher. To make a long story short I confronted my wife who swears up and down that nothing is going on. She keeps saying she has not kissed anyone, slept with anyone etc. I e-mailed the teacher and told him the VM was not appropriate. He replied with an apology. I even paid him an in person visit where he said nothing was going on. When I asked how his wife would feel to hear this message or better yet if he heard this message on her phone I received little to no reply. The very next day after confronting my wife I noticed another call on my wife’s cell phone. This was to a pre-paid cell phone to add minutes. Now she has another cell phone. I confronted her for her to tell me again that nothing is going on, but she needs to be in contact with our daughter’s teacher and did not want to upset me. I need to mention now that all during the week she has shown little to no remorse. Her parents noticed and issue and called me and eventually they brought up this teacher and how my W talks about him often and what a great job he is doing. We went to our first counseling and she totally bombed. The counselor asked her how she would feel is she was sitting in his chair. He asked her if she see the pain that this has caused even if she is totally innocent. Her answers were so bad that she even said herself that “I know my answers are lame”. My wife a few years ago noticed a spam email IM come across on the PC and was sure I was cheating. She was a mess. When she finally talked to her friends who mentioned they get this spam all the time she was OK. When I asked her about this at the counseling she said “this was a lifetime ago”. Not sure what this means, but my point was seeing how upset you were over spam…why can’t you see how hurt I am over a real message. I feel like I am without choice or at least this is they way I felt at the beginning. I could never leave the girls, but as the weeks have gone on the thought of leaving gets more bearable. My W keeps saying how could you leave over a phone call? Why can’t she see that it was more than a phone call? It was the intimate and personal nature. It was getting another phone. It was the way she treated me when she knew that she was caught. It’s the broken trust. I have not even started to think if something actually did happen or not. All I know is I think about this every second. Don’t eat or sleep much. I have the message on tape and I can’t get it out of my mind. BTW- she cant even bare to listen to the tape. There was one moment where she admitted that the message was stupid. Other than that no remorse. Part of me wants to go to the school board and his wife. I want to remove my daughter from the class, but she is improving and I can’t do that to her. Part of me think that me going there has put a fear of god in his life and that since they only knew each other since school started in September that perhaps I stopped something before it started. I’m babbling now so I’ll stop and hopefully get some advice from those who have been through this.
HarakIgia Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 I'm so very sorry. I don't even think I have much advice to give. Other than I'm wishing you and your family some peace of mind and resolution to all this. I know that I would most likely feel exactly as you do. I would want to lash out and tell everyone from the school board to his wife. But, then knowing me I'd start to think about his family, his wife. I have a hard time hurting others. I think also it's pretty difficult to know what has really occurred between them when your wife has not been honest with you. I hope the counseling will help and that she will open up and be honest with you. I believe she at least owes you that much. At least then you can make a decision based on the truth. Does she say what she wants? Is she asking for a separation or divorce? Again, I'm sorry for you, your girls and even your wife who sounds lost.
child_of_isis Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 You should post this in the infidelity forum, you'll get more replies. And from people who have been there.
Tripper Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 I'm sorry for your pain SNE. Several issues come to mind in reading your post. It sounds as if your wife may not be happy in the marriage and not be completely open with her communication with you. Somehow you need to have a very serious "state of the nation" talk with your W to see how she feels about your M. You may have to do this with a MC. Next, she may not have physically cheated. She may be having an emotional affair (EM). This in no way excuses her actions. EMs are just as damaging to a M as PA. There is still the loss of interest and intimacy in the M, and energy is taken away from your M and family. She can state nothing happened physically and perhaps is being honest, but based on the voice mail you have something happened. Lastly, if I were in your position, I would have a very real issue with the teachers behaviour. Inappropriate and unprofessional come to mind. I would not be comfortable with knowing my child is being schooled by such a person. The dilemma comes in knowing he is effective in schooling your daughter and hence your hesitation in withdrawing her from the school. I think you need to have a frank and open discussion with your wife and determine exactly what happened, why it happened, and how do you go forward. If you must keep your daughter in the school, there should be absolutely no contact between her and the teacher. The issue of reporting or complaining about the teacher is tricky. If he should lose his job, it would have a disasterous effect on his wife and family both emotionally and financially. However he should receive some censure from his principal for unprofessional conduct. If it could be contained to simply a letter of censure put in his file, you may want to consider that. Does his wife deserve to know?? Probably but not from you. Hope this helps...
Lee725 Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Hi SNE, i cant relate to this situation so there isnt much help i can offer. There is one thing that stands out above the rest tho, how often does one tell another person "I LOVE YOU", unless there is something deeper going on than just a "Stupid message". There probably is more to this story from her and his side, but whether it is physical i dare not speculate. Tripper is pretty right she may be having an emotional affair, but in my books, one is as bad as the other. Good luck, i hope this works out for you.
Author SNE Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 Thank you everyone for the replies. My MC told me yesterday that is is not uncommen for teachers of special needs children to feel needed. They oftenhave a feeling that here I am taking care of your SE child and I am also taking care of the needs of the parents (usually the stay at home mom) and only I understand her needs. Not sure if I buy this or not, but it made some sense at the time. What I can't excuse is the no remorse issue.
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