washingtonlady Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I am so glad to hear from you.... I want to know it happens. I am so sure that It will. I hope and I am patient. My OM is in that transitioin it is hard on me but I really trust that it will all work out in the end, tough times though!
OWoman Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Are you happy though? Was it worth it and most importantly was it what you expected it to be like once you formalised your relationship? Many of us that have been in a form of affair or other have imagined a lot of things based on what we lived but what happens after the fact? I'm also interested in this as I'm also moving into that space. Great to know things worked for you cairodancer!
nashua Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Are you happy though? Was it worth it and most importantly was it what you expected it to be like once you formalised your relationship? Many of us that have been in a form of affair or other have imagined a lot of things based on what we lived but what happens after the fact? Hey tomcat... I think this is a very interesting question, and one that should be pondered by those in a situation where they can actually become "the one." to answer your question: Yes, i am happy most of the time when it comes to my relationship. Of course, things changed once we became a real couple. All relationships take work, and have to be asked that same question...not just OW/OM types. I'm still very very happy with him and he is the most wonderful man I've ever been with. Most challenges arose when we "came out" in public and were ingaged (or ignored) by people we knew. For the most part, my friends were open and understanding, but his...not so much. I fear I'm always going to be known as "the other woman" and he will be "the cheater" but have hope that time will prove everyone wrong. We have guilt issues that we deal with frequently. But in all, we turned out even better than i imagined. i can't even believe it myself sometimes, but we really feel like we belong together!
reboot Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 This is very good to hear, especially after many of the posters on here insist otherwise. Good freaking grief. No one on here insists it doesn't happen. Of course it happens.
Owl Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Well...if you compare statistics... There are documented statistics that an affair will lead to a long term successful marriage about 3% of the time. So 3 out of 100 are likely to happen. What you hear from folks here is that its VERY UNLIKELY that it will work out.
OWoman Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Well...if you compare statistics... There are documented statistics that an affair will lead to a long term successful marriage about 3% of the time. So 3 out of 100 are likely to happen. What you hear from folks here is that its VERY UNLIKELY that it will work out. Owl those stats have been explained and debunked on several threads. There are NO STATS on the long term success of As that become full-time, long-term, open and visible partnerships.
Tomcat33 Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Owl those stats have been explained and debunked on several threads. There are NO STATS on the long term success of As that become full-time, long-term, open and visible partnerships. Yeah stats, schmats! The other day someone started a thread about that here asking people if they had ever participated in an open poll about their marital wellbeing and infidelity, the thread asked people to pipe in and answer if they had ever filled something out. Not only did very few people respond, but about half that did respond (I think it was about half) had never even filled any sort of stat poll. The stats you read are based on stats that psychiatrists come up with when they poll their experience through the patients they see. a lot of the pop-pscyhe books you read are from therapists that have done polls of their cases and their colleauges cases, and it's fine and can be used to gage what their experience is but... #1 these therapists are selling a service OR a book so they slant their results as they see fit to benefit their cause #2 Anyone who goes to couples therapy is obviously in crisis, but for every couple that goes to seek therapy or person that does to work through their issues, there are 10 who don't so where are the stats now?
frannie Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 We are working towards some solution, arent we? Only a week NC, not while she "works things out", but rather, as in her words (and PLEASE comment about these words, EVERYBODY): I need to do this alone, without you front and center. HE has asked me for this, and he deserves this. He knows I love YOU, I know I love YOU, and YOU know I love YOU. But he needs to feel that WE took the TIME to figure things out.. I know you know that you know that this is the "right" thing to do? But I also realise that you might not understand, and I'm sorry for that, BUT, I HAVE TO DO THIS ALONE.. I will see you soon..... OK, to comment on those words, stamp. Personally, if my MM ever had written anything like that to me, NC would have been an absolute breeze. You have it there from her own lips (or fingers or wherever), what she needs you to do, what her plans are, that she loves you, and that she will see you soon. OK, there are no promises of outcome there, but when in life to we get that kind of guarantee? It's simple: you stay NC, and she deals with things her end. You'll get your answer at some point... just it may be a long time coming. IN the meantime, get on with life, and any time you feel yourself uncertain or panicking... just re-read those words and re-commit yourself to giving her the time she's asked for. No one on this forum has any clue really what is in your MW's mind, or what will happen. Likely as not, she doesn't either, to be truthful. And all your doing in throwing out questions is looking for reassurance that cannot be given. However, I completely understand where you're coming from, as that is what I did when I first came here, and what I still did for years in reading forums on infidelity... ... but at the end of it all, statistics don't matter a bit. All that matters is individuals and what they're going to do. And unfortunately you are in the uncomfortable situation of waiting on a result... and I feel for you, stamp, I really do. ... What REALLY SUCKS here for me is TIME... Time that she can just let pass by, keeping busy, running kids all over, helping in the class, painting the basement, whatever... I wonder if she'll "rip off the bandaid" like she said she should.. He has said he WILL get all of the truth, that she WILL admit that I was a "Mistake" and she WILL forget about me.. He said he wants to know EVERYTHING, well pal, you don't know 75% of it.. It SUCKS to sit here and wait for that.. If she was to hand him the truth, "here you go, here it ALL is.." at least he could start to deal with it, and for ME, at least I would know I was on an even playing field so to speak... I know... its a horrible situation for you to be in, and for him to be in. But you know, go back to your first thread and all the things you said about doing it right? Don't you think that's for the best..? Time is what is needed... there is no rushing it, much as you'd like to help her rip off that bandaid... TIME is what you need to give it. Now onto those statistics: Well...if you compare statistics... There are documented statistics that an affair will lead to a long term successful marriage about 3% of the time. So 3 out of 100 are likely to happen. What you hear from folks here is that its VERY UNLIKELY that it will work out. The 3% statistic is that when a MP leaves his partner for their AP, down the line only 3% of the R's have a successful M after 5 years... Hello GEL! No it doesn't even mean that. It means that 3% of a group of men in one company admitted that they were married to a previous affair partner, and had been married over 5 years. Completely the opposite way than how it is usually quoted. So: 3% of the men in the survey had been married more than 5 years to previous affair partners. In order to find out how many affairs (acc. to this survey) lead to marriages lasting more than 5 years, you would have to know: how many men in the company had had affairs in the first place (which we don't know), how many were with their previous AP but hadn't got married (yet?), how many chose not to reveal whether they were with a previous AP, and other data not available. For example, if only 3% of the men in the company had originally had affairs at all, it would mean that in this sample, 100% of MM end up married to their AP. If 6% had had affairs, 50% end up with their AP. And so on. We just don't know the original figure, so it cannot be stated how many APs end up married in marriages lasting over 5 years.
Owl Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 I've noticed an interesting trend... People believe (or disbelieve) those stats almost entirely based on what their role in the affair was. BS's do tend to believe them. OP almost always fight and disagree with them. WS tend to go with the OP's side during the affair, and then as they get into recovery go to the BS's view of the stats. I don't think they've been "debunked". I think they've been argued with...but until someone can come up with better stats, show me what else we have to go with.
frannie Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 I've noticed an interesting trend... People believe (or disbelieve) those stats almost entirely based on what their role in the affair was. BS's do tend to believe them. OP almost always fight and disagree with them. WS tend to go with the OP's side during the affair, and then as they get into recovery go to the BS's view of the stats. I don't think they've been "debunked". I think they've been argued with...but until someone can come up with better stats, show me what else we have to go with. It's not a question of 'believing' in them or not though, Owl. Just look up the original survey, and see what the stated result was. From the horses mouth, so to speak. There are no statistics to go on, essentially, not from the point of view of who will end up with whom.
reboot Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Forgetting statistics, just based on what I've seen and read in my life, these situations rarely turn out well for anyone involved in them. You can all argue that as much as you want. *shrug*
OWoman Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 I don't think they've been "debunked". I think they've been argued with...but until someone can come up with better stats, show me what else we have to go with. OK I was careless with what I wrote. I didn't mean the stats themselves had been debunked - until someone has replicated that study, those stats stand. What I meant, and should have said, was that THE CLAIMS OF WHAT THOSE STATS REPRESENT have been debunked. Those stats do not claim to predict that 3% of affairs will lead to marriages that last 5 years or longer. Those stats merely reflect - actually, I'm not going to repeat it, Frannie's already spelled it out in her post. It's what's called in the business a descriptive study, as opposed to an explanatory one. It's merely saying, hey guys, take a look here! 3% of the guys we polled in our sample say they're still together in a formal M with some woman they had an affair with while they were married to someone else! If you wanted to know anything beyond that, you'd need a different study design with different questions, a different sampling technique (perhaps - depending on how representative you want the results to be) and so forth. (If anyone wants to know more about stats, or study design, I'm happy to recommend some good texts )
reboot Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Forgetting statistics, just based on what I've seen and read in my life, these situations rarely turn out well for anyone involved in them. You can all argue that as much as you want. *shrug*Oh, and before the inevitable happens and someone claims I'm saying that it NEVER works out for ANYONE, please note the RARELY in my sentence (I probably should have bolded it).
OWoman Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Forgetting statistics, just based on what I've seen and read in my life, these situations rarely turn out well for anyone involved in them. You can all argue that as much as you want. *shrug* reboot - as an OW who "got" the MM (or is getting the MM ) I'm pretty tempted to agree with you on that! Maybe ultimately it will turn out "well" (whatever that means) but until then there is so much pain all round. This transitioning from one type of R to another, from one situation to another and (in our case) from one country to another are all fraught with all manner of issues one can't predict at the outset. And that's for the two people who are the "winners". I'm sure it's a lot worse for the bystanders - the kids who're caught in the upheaval (even though the resolution promises to be a lot better for them than the previous situation), colleagues and friends who're being subjected to loyalty demands, extended families who nailed their colours to the mast and are now being accused of taking sides unfairly... not to mention the BW and what she must be going through. Maybe it's like a war, without any "winners" possible. But hey, there may be others with happier tales to tell?
Owl Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 I think you're right...there aren't any "winners" in the whole thing. Everyone ends up hurting. You and MM may not...obviously everyone else is. Only time will tell how well the two of you fair...just like it works with everyone else.
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