oyster Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 I was one of the OM with a MW, now MW is seperated, divorce in progress. So I guess I am one of the few. I am lurking this forum from time to time, if you need to chat more, PM me or msn me. Good luck
Author stampdaddy Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 I was one of the OM with a MW, now MW is seperated, divorce in progress. So I guess I am one of the few. I am lurking this forum from time to time, if you need to chat more, PM me or msn me. Good luck DOn't have PM's yet, so how do I msn you? THANKS
Author stampdaddy Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 I don't think we can 'help' you, not with the kind of help you really want which is an answer the main question you have - will she leave him? My point in posing all those questions is to 'help' you realize that if she really were planning to leave her husband, you would already know the answers to them. That you have so much certainty this many years into the affair does not point to her leaving - unless HE kicks her out. I could be wrong, of course, but that's my read on it. And I'll add two more cents: I think it's pretty crappy of her to string you along all those years. If she really loves you, she would want you to LIVE your life, not put it on hold while you wait and wait for her to do something about her marriage. Crappy I'd agree. BUT, it didnt help that BOTH her H and ME made it easy for her to.. read the posts from me in entirety and you'd see..
norajane Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Crappy I'd agree. BUT, it didnt help that BOTH her H and ME made it easy for her to.. read the posts from me in entirety and you'd see.. I don't think anything that you and her H may have done to make it easy absolves her in any way for using both of you to get what she wants for all these years. She has yet to take responsibility for her behavior and her choices and her treatment of the men who love her. Just because it might be easy for me to steal someone's bike left on the street, just because it might be easy for me to embezzle from my employer, just because it might be easy for me to cheat, doesn't make it the least bit right. And if she chooses to do things because they are easy, does that mean you will keep her under lock and key to make it hard for her to cheat on you...if it comes to her actually being with you? She needs to learn to do the HARD things. Like figuring out why she treats people she 'loves' with little to no respect.
Author stampdaddy Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 I don't think anything that you and her H may have done to make it easy absolves her in any way for using both of you to get what she wants for all these years. She has yet to take responsibility for her behavior and her choices and her treatment of the men who love her. Just because it might be easy for me to steal someone's bike left on the street, just because it might be easy for me to embezzle from my employer, just because it might be easy for me to cheat, doesn't make it the least bit right. And if she chooses to do things because they are easy, does that mean you will keep her under lock and key to make it hard for her to cheat on you...if it comes to her actually being with you? She needs to learn to do the HARD things. Like figuring out why she treats people she 'loves' with little to no respect. Didnt say it absolves her, not defending her, and maybe she is about to find out "how to do things the HARD way...."
oyster Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 DOn't have PM's yet, so how do I msn you? THANKS I updated my profile, go look
Author stampdaddy Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 I updated my profile, go look Thanks, sent email
GreenEyedLady Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 I have read that only 3 percent of married people in a affair leave for the other person. Numbers are not in the OW's or OM's favor. The 3% statistic is that when a MP leaves his partner for their AP, down the line only 3% of the R's have a successful M after 5 years... Doesn't take into account those who never marry or that people won't admit that they started a R as an A...
Trialbyfire Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 sd, people that want to cheat cheat, people that want to get divorced get divorced. See the difference? So true. He cheated, I got my divorce.
OWoman Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Stampdaddy, Despite how many people Gwenyth knows (50 / 50), statistics are definitely more reliable than a stranger on a forum. There are no statistics that measure the chances of an OW or OM landing up with their MM or MW. As GEL pointed out,, the only statistics available measure something entirely else. On small samples, in particular circumstances, not necessarily replicable. Looking at how many OM / OW are successfully "with" their formerly MM / MW on this forum (by that I mean former MM / MW divorced spouse and are in committed R w/ former OM/ OW)... I would say the statistics prove true, it is definitely less than 3%!! Feel free to prove me wrong, if possible, but almost all I ever read (beside Sarme, I don't know what happened to her...) is "he keeps saying he's going to leave his wife..." then there are those that are in the process, working towards it - MP who have committed to their OP and are tying up the process. (You can add my case to that list). Depending on where they live, this process can take anything from 10 minutes (in my country) or several years (my MM's country) and so of course there are numerous stages along the way and to assume that because the divorce is not yet finalised, the R is not successful or the commitment not valid is like assuming one is either an infant or an adult but not human unless either of the above. But Gwyneth's point is valid - while other stories can shed light or raise questions or points for reflection, each case is different and with the scant information provided here, it's difficult to know how relevant one is to another. Judge each on its own merits, but be aware of what the possibilities are.
Author stampdaddy Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 There are no statistics that measure the chances of an OW or OM landing up with their MM or MW. As GEL pointed out,, the only statistics available measure something entirely else. On small samples, in particular circumstances, not necessarily replicable. then there are those that are in the process, working towards it - MP who have committed to their OP and are tying up the process. (You can add my case to that list). Depending on where they live, this process can take anything from 10 minutes (in my country) or several years (my MM's country) and so of course there are numerous stages along the way and to assume that because the divorce is not yet finalised, the R is not successful or the commitment not valid is like assuming one is either an infant or an adult but not human unless either of the above. But Gwyneth's point is valid - while other stories can shed light or raise questions or points for reflection, each case is different and with the scant information provided here, it's difficult to know how relevant one is to another. Judge each on its own merits, but be aware of what the possibilities are. I'm not getting all caught up in the numbers.. H is, but he is an engineer type (no offense to all of the engineers out there..) However, I am aware of where she IS today, and it is not here.. I am aware of the children and her fear of what a D will do to them. I am aware that for right now, H wants to work on things, but I am also aware that she doesnt believe she can. What REALLY SUCKS here for me is TIME. Time that he unravels, that things start adding up more for him. I've been reading so many posts from BH's and the agony that they are going through over so much time and they STILL don't have a clue where there WW is (emotionally and sometimes physically). Time that she can just let pass by, keeping busy, running kids all over, helping in the class, painting the basement, whatever... I wonder if she'll "rip off the bandaid" like she said she should.. Just get this over with so the H can start to heal and not focus on the "details" on his own. BECAUSE, she sure as sh*t hasnt told him the TRUTH.. He has asked, no begged for it, and he has gotten a little from me, ONLY after he figures something out does she own up to it (YES, that's chicken sh*t) He has said he WILL get all of the truth, that she WILL admit that I was a "Mistake" and she WILL forget about me.. He said he wants to know EVERYTHING, well pal, you don't know 75% of it.. It SUCKS to sit here and wait for that.. If she was to hand him the truth, "here you go, here it ALL is.." at least he could start to deal with it, and for ME, at least I would know I was on an even playing field so to speak, so ANY decisions from that point forward were what they were.. But sitting here knowing what we had, and knowing that she "sugar coats", tells him just enough, encrypts statements, and flat out lies for HER benefit pisses me off.. I understand there is a point that you can say TOO MUCH, but she is very far from that... It was just 2 weeks ago that she owned up to a 2nd trip we took.. She's got 4 more to go..
ConfusedGirl004 Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 I don't know your whole history SD...but it sounds to me she's working on her marriage and not working towards a divorce.
Author stampdaddy Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 I don't know your whole history SD...but it sounds to me she's working on her marriage and not working towards a divorce. Maybe, but she can't start to work on anything until the truth is told... She has told him that she can't see working on it, but will give them time. We'll see. For me, I have to work on ME. I can't worry about what they are doing. If I thought for one split second that she really was going to put any effort into rebuilding the M, I would without blinking my eyes turn around with my head held high.. HOWEVER, she has not one time shown an ounce of trying.. Want examples?
luvmy2ns Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 What I don't understand about this thread is, so what if you "get the girl." What's the big prize in "winning" a cheater?
reboot Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 I don't know your whole history SD...but it sounds to me she's working on her marriage and not working towards a divorce.That's the harsh reality some of us are trying to prepare him for. She could just be going through the motions, but he's leaving himself so wide open if he doesn't prepare for the other case.
Author stampdaddy Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 That's the harsh reality some of us are trying to prepare him for. She could just be going through the motions, but he's leaving himself so wide open if he doesn't prepare for the other case. I'm trying, man.. For ME, I have put ALL of my eggs into that basket. A fault I guess. You know, alot of people have told me, you included I think, that with me sticking to NC, she will have to decide and it may be enough to knock her off of the fence. All along, 2 years ago and such, people told me, DUMP HER, she'll be on your doorstep in 3 weeks. BUT that wasnt me.. Wasnt what I wanted to be "end the end" for HER. I never want her to think that I turned my back on her.. (I was the one who ended it with my exW years ago, no, not because of A, just because we werent happy) That is me, I am not a "game player", I just wanted to love her, from start to finish.. Now, what do I do?? STick to my "Nobility", or get smart and say "screw this"! I have tried, I have waited, I have given "ALL of my eggs" and those EGGS ARE SCRAMBLED
Author stampdaddy Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 That's the harsh reality some of us are trying to prepare him for. She could just be going through the motions, but he's leaving himself so wide open if he doesn't prepare for the other case. Here it is Reboot, this is ME.. a Stampdaddy original [COLOR=#cc0000][FONT=Monotype Corsiva]That Kiss[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#cc0000][/COLOR] [COLOR=#cc0000][/COLOR] [COLOR=#cc0000][/COLOR] [COLOR=#cc0000][FONT=Monotype Corsiva]I knew, from the moment you first kissed me,[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#cc0000][FONT=Monotype Corsiva]that I was either in for the Love of my Life,[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#cc0000][FONT=Monotype Corsiva]or the greatest heartbreak I could ever imagine.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#cc0000][/COLOR] [COLOR=#cc0000][FONT=Monotype Corsiva]When your lips touched mine, I forgot to breathe, my heart forgot to beat, and my mind forgot to think. But I will ALWAYS remember that kiss. I just melted, my life changed FOREVER…[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#cc0000][/COLOR] [COLOR=#cc0000][FONT=Monotype Corsiva]You will always take my breath away. I am SO MUCH IN LOVE WITH YOU, that the touch of you, the feel of you, the scent of you, [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#cc0000][FONT=Monotype Corsiva]the Love of you shapes my soul.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#cc0000][/COLOR] [COLOR=#cc0000][/COLOR] [COLOR=#cc0000][/COLOR] [COLOR=#cc0000][/COLOR] [COLOR=#cc0000][FONT=Monotype Corsiva]Now, after all of this time since that kiss, I still feel the very same feelings – EVERYTIME YOU KISS ME[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#cc0000][/COLOR] [COLOR=#cc0000][FONT=Monotype Corsiva]I can get so scared though, scared to death, because I know that if I were to ever kiss someone other than you, it would be the worst form of disappointment – since nothing except Heaven[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#cc0000][FONT=Monotype Corsiva]could compare to when you kiss me..[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#cc0000][/COLOR] [COLOR=#cc0000][FONT=Monotype Corsiva]So today, look into my eyes when I kiss you. [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#cc0000][FONT=Monotype Corsiva]You will see the greatest Love you’ve ever seen. [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#cc0000][FONT=Monotype Corsiva]Just look into your heart when you kiss me [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#cc0000][FONT=Monotype Corsiva]because I know, you will find me, sweet loving me…[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#cc0000][/COLOR] [COLOR=#cc0000][/COLOR] [COLOR=#cc0000][/COLOR] [COLOR=#cc0000][FONT=Monotype Corsiva]October 9, 2005 [/FONT][/COLOR]
reboot Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Now, what do I do?? There's not a lot you can do. Stick with the NC and move forward with your life. Try to stay busy so you don't think about her too much. It's ok to hope, but it's pretty unproductive to wallow in it.
Author stampdaddy Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 That's the harsh reality some of us are trying to prepare him for. She could just be going through the motions, but he's leaving himself so wide open if he doesn't prepare for the other case. Oops, try this again.. sorry That Kiss I knew, from the moment you first kissed me that I was either in for the Love of my Life or the greatest heartbreak I could ever imagine. When your lips touched mine, I forgot to breathe, my heart forgot to beat, and my mind forgot to think. But I will ALWAYS remember that kiss. I just melted, my life changed FOREVER You will always take my breath away. I am SO MUCH IN LOVE WITH YOU, that the touch of you, the feel of you, the scent of you, the Love of you shapes my soul Now, after all of this time since that kiss, I still feel the very same feelings – EVERYTIME YOU KISS ME I can get so scared though, scared to death, because I know that if I were to ever kiss someone other than you, it would be the worst form of disappointment – since nothing except Heaven So today, look into my eyes when I kiss you. You will see the greatest Love you’ve ever seen. Just look into your heart when you kiss me because I know, you will find me, sweet loving me October 9, 2005
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Maybe, but she can't start to work on anything until the truth is told... She has told him that she can't see working on it, but will give them time. Actually she can. She can just omit the truth and go from there. Though, there's always a chance for her that one day you'll spill everything to her H and tell him everything that he needs to know...Though with that being said, I can't see you doing that. Them working on their marriage might work, or may not. Time will tell and the NC in place will be the test for her to close her heart from you and open her heart again for her husband...Only then will the marriage have a real shot and ofcourse, desire on both of their parts.
Owl Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 OK, I'm a little lost here... You said that they 'live seperate lives'...yet you told me that they 'live together'. What kind of "seperate lives" are you referring to? And what do you base this on? What your MW has been telling you? How well do you know him? Have you FIRSTHAND seen this 'seperate life' thing? Also...did she set a specific time limit for how long she was going to be in NC with you? Or is it an indefinite thing? Do you have a post/thread somewhere with all your background I should read?
reboot Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Do you have a post/thread somewhere with all your background I should read?He has several.
nashua Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Are you telling me that only 3 times here the OM became the choice??? My OM left his wife for me and we've been together over 3 years now. I'm not going to go into the whole story, but just know...it happens. It takes patience and hope though. And it is exhausting.
Gwyneth Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 My OM left his wife for me and we've been together over 3 years now. I'm not going to go into the whole story, but just know...it happens. It takes patience and hope though. And it is exhausting. This is very good to hear, especially after many of the posters on here insist otherwise. It works both ways and each situation is different. Thank you for the uplift!!!
Tomcat33 Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 My OM left his wife for me and we've been together over 3 years now. I'm not going to go into the whole story, but just know...it happens. It takes patience and hope though. And it is exhausting. Are you happy though? Was it worth it and most importantly was it what you expected it to be like once you formalised your relationship? Many of us that have been in a form of affair or other have imagined a lot of things based on what we lived but what happens after the fact?
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