Only 3 OM got the girl??

[stampdaddy]

Are you telling me that only 3 times here the OM became the choice???

[Phateless]

Are you telling me that only 3 times here the OM became the choice???

 

Look up some statistics on google. It is VERY VERY rare that the married person will leave the marriage for the OM/OW.

[Impudent Oyster]

I'm actually surprised that there are that many.

[stampdaddy]

I'm actually surprised that there are that many.

Great.. I am such an f***** idiot

[reboot]

sd, people that want to cheat cheat, people that want to get divorced get divorced. See the difference?

[imstunned]

stamp you are not an idiot - dont be hard on your self. You are doing NC now right?

 

Hang in there and come and post here instead of contacting her.

[Meaplus3]

stamp you are not an idiot - dont be hard on your self. You are doing NC now right?

 

Hang in there and come and post here instead of contacting her.

 

Exactly Imstunned! Post and vent on LS, forget about trying to get in touch with her. LS saved me on a ton of times from contacting mm. Be strong, you can if you put your mind to it!

 

AP:)

[KnownTruth]

Are you telling me that only 3 times here the OM became the choice???

 

I have read that only 3 percent of married people in a affair leave for the other person. Numbers are not in the OW's or OM's favor.

[Gwyneth]

Statistics are hardly reliable sources to go by. Many casese are unreported and therefore are not included in these statistics. Just by people that I know, it's pretty much 50/50.

[stampdaddy]

Statistics are hardly reliable sources to go by. Many casese are unreported and therefore are not included in these statistics. Just by people that I know, it's pretty much 50/50.

I like that stat better...

[writeon]

Stampdaddy,

Despite how many people Gwenyth knows (50 / 50), statistics are definitely more reliable than a stranger on a forum. Plus, you were right to look at the experiences of OM on this site. Definitely less than 50 / 50, sorry Gwenyth!

 

Looking at how many OM / OW are successfully "with" their formerly MM / MW on this forum (by that I mean former MM / MW divorced spouse and are in committed R w/ former OM/ OW)... I would say the statistics prove true, it is definitely less than 3%!! Feel free to prove me wrong, if possible, but almost all I ever read (beside Sarme, I don't know what happened to her...) is "he keeps saying he's going to leave his wife..."

 

If they chose to believe these liars and stay with them, I've got a bridge to sell them all, and I'll be very rich.

[Gwyneth]

Stampdaddy,

Despite how many people Gwenyth knows (50 / 50), statistics are definitely more reliable than a stranger on a forum. Plus, you were right to look at the experiences of OM on this site. Definitely less than 50 / 50, sorry Gwenyth!

 

Looking at how many OM / OW are successfully "with" their formerly MM / MW on this forum (by that I mean former MM / MW divorced spouse and are in committed R w/ former OM/ OW)... I would say the statistics prove true, it is definitely less than 3%!! Feel free to prove me wrong, if possible, but almost all I ever read (beside Sarme, I don't know what happened to her...) is "he keeps saying he's going to leave his wife..."

 

If they chose to believe these liars and stay with them, I've got a bridge to sell them all, and I'll be very rich.

 

But are all these people on the forum being honest? The people in my life Are being honest--that's why in my life it's 50/50. I don't go by statistics because they are not a reliable source. You can not write a good paper based on statistics--your professor will laugh at you. You need real life knowledge and information, which is what I provided. Everyone's facts are different--you may only know 40/60--well for me, it's 50/50. In my immediate family, 100% of the time the spouse left the BS for the OP.

 

Bingo!

[stampdaddy]

But are all these people on the forum being honest? The people in my life Are being honest--that's why in my life it's 50/50. I don't go by statistics because they are not a reliable source. You can not write a good paper based on statistics--your professor will laugh at you. You need real life knowledge and information, which is what I provided. Everyone's facts are different--you may only know 40/60--well for me, it's 50/50. In my immediate family, 100% of the time the spouse left the BS for the OP.

 

Bingo!

Gwyneth.. In the last 2 years, 2 of her friends, REALLY good friends have been busted in affairs.. BOTH are divorced.. So we have "reality" and we have what I have been bombarded with here on LS and 100 other places. So I dont know what the hell to believe. I also seem to live my life in the movies, which is VERY detrimental at this particular time and place

[Gwyneth]

Gwyneth.. In the last 2 years, 2 of her friends, REALLY good friends have been busted in affairs.. BOTH are divorced.. So we have "reality" and we have what I have been bombarded with here on LS and 100 other places. So I dont know what the hell to believe. I also seem to live my life in the movies, which is VERY detrimental at this particular time and place

 

LOL. Well, this only goes to show you that you cannot go by statistics and other people's experiences. Each case is different--take it one day at a time and see how it goes, ya know?

[norajane]

Gwyneth.. In the last 2 years, 2 of her friends, REALLY good friends have been busted in affairs.. BOTH are divorced.. So we have "reality" and we have what I have been bombarded with here on LS and 100 other places. So I dont know what the hell to believe. I also seem to live my life in the movies, which is VERY detrimental at this particular time and place

 

The problem is, your MW is not one of those women, nor is she one of Gwyneth's friends and family, nor anyone else.

 

Your MW is still married, despite getting busted. Your MW is trying to work things out with her H, who clearly is not going to kick her out and demand a divorce. So your MW needs to make the choice to get divorced. And she hasn't made that choice.

 

So rather than looking for statistics you like, maybe you can look for the reasons you would rather put your life on hold indefinitely rather than get involved with someone who is free to love you openly. Don't you think you deserve that? Doesn't the MW think you deserve that?

[stampdaddy]

The problem is, your MW is not one of those women, nor is she one of Gwyneth's friends and family, nor anyone else.

 

Your MW is still married, despite getting busted. Your MW is trying to work things out with her H, who clearly is not going to kick her out and demand a divorce. So your MW needs to make the choice to get divorced. And she hasn't made that choice.

 

So rather than looking for statistics you like, maybe you can look for the reasons you would rather put your life on hold indefinitely rather than get involved with someone who is free to love you openly. Don't you think you deserve that? Doesn't the MW think you deserve that?

We are working towards some solution, arent we? Only a week NC, not while she "works things out", but rather, as in her words (and PLEASE comment about these words, EVERYBODY): I need to do this alone, without you front and center. HE has asked me for this, and he deserves this. He knows I love YOU, I know I love YOU, and YOU know I love YOU. But he needs to feel that WE took the TIME to figure things out.. I know you know that you know that this is the "right" thing to do? But I also realise that you might not understand, and I'm sorry for that, BUT, I HAVE TO DO THIS ALONE.. I will see you soon.....

[Gwyneth]

I think you should honor her request and give her time and space--if you love her, then you can do that. I know it's hard, but just do it. Does she have children with this man? This may be why she's taking her husband's request for the sake of the kids--not necessarily him. Looking for statistics isn't going to help you out here. They are in no way shape or form reliable. Time is your best answer.

[stampdaddy]

I think you should honor her request and give her time and space--if you love her, then you can do that. I know it's hard, but just do it. Does she have children with this man? This may be why she's taking her husband's request for the sake of the kids--not necessarily him. Looking for statistics isn't going to help you out here. They are in no way shape or form reliable. Time is your best answer.

 

Yes to the CHILDREN.. I am not looking at stats, believe me, they have been thrown out there.. I'm still in this thing of ours cause I could give a flip less about stats.. SOMEBODY has to be the 1-3%, and I believe that is ME

[Gwyneth]

Yes to the CHILDREN.. I am not looking at stats, believe me, they have been thrown out there.. I'm still in this thing of ours cause I could give a flip less about stats.. SOMEBODY has to be the 1-3%, and I believe that is ME

 

I find it rather sexy and brave for a man to go after the woman he really desires. If this is how you feel, then go for it. Do consider the best option for her children would be to have their mom and dad still married--unless they are disruptive and fighting all the time, then of course the best solution for the children would be for the mom and dad to live as far away from each other as possible, haha.

[norajane]

We are working towards some solution, arent we? Only a week NC, not while she "works things out", but rather, as in her words (and PLEASE comment about these words, EVERYBODY): I need to do this alone, without you front and center. HE has asked me for this, and he deserves this. He knows I love YOU, I know I love YOU, and YOU know I love YOU. But he needs to feel that WE took the TIME to figure things out.. I know you know that you know that this is the "right" thing to do? But I also realise that you might not understand, and I'm sorry for that, BUT, I HAVE TO DO THIS ALONE.. I will see you soon.....

 

Your affair has been going on 2 and a half years, right? Why didn't she take the 'time' at any point during those 2.5 years to 'figure things out' with her H? Why didn't she go to him and tell him the marriage wasn't working and she wanted out, and then given him the 'time' to 'figure things out' if he deserved that?

 

Why now? Because the affair was discovered? If the affair had not been discovered, would she still be having the affair, and not figuring anything out indefinitely?

 

If all she's doing is humoring him so he feels like 'we're figuring it out', has she made any plans - anything at all - for moving out, where she'd live, how she'd support herself? Has she talked to moving companies or started going through their things and deciding what to move and what to leave? Has she spoken to a divorce lawyer? Has she discussed any of her divorce plans with you? Has she told you how long she plans to humor her husband and when she plans to move out?

 

If she does get a divorce, are you certain that she would want to be with you? Or do you think she might then want time to 'do this alone'...meaning, she would need time away from you so she can get her life on track independent of her ex, you, or any other man? Do you think she might want to date for a while?

 

I'm throwing these questions out because you already HAVE all these questions and more running through your mind. You've been with her 2.5 years - why don't you KNOW what your MW is planning to do, what she WANTS to do? Why do you have so many questions? Shouldn't things be a lot more clear than they are? Why are you so full of doubts if you two have been together for so long and love each other and want to be together? Shouldn't you be more certain of her than you are? Why is she such a big mystery?

[stampdaddy]

I find it rather sexy and brave for a man to go after the woman he really desires. If this is how you feel, then go for it. Do consider the best option for her children would be to have their mom and dad still married--unless they are disruptive and fighting all the time, then of course the best solution for the children would be for the mom and dad to live as far away from each other as possible, haha.

That's the kicker here.. Separate lives, "divide and conquer" is the lifestyle.. The children DO NOT see loving parents, they see "parents". BUT, I can not argue the fact that I do not know what is best for "these" children.. ONLY, that IF I became a part of their sweet lives (as I felt that I had already become unknowingly), that "we love him because he loved us first.."

[LucreziaBorgia]

SOMEBODY has to be the 1-3%, and I believe that is ME

 

Women who are going to divorce do not 'work things out' with their husbands. If she wanted to divorce him, she would. Plain and simple. The problem is that she does not want to divorce him. She does not want to lose you either. Both of you are enabling yourselves to stay stuck in this situation.

 

You and her H are both so scared of losing her that you refuse to do what is necessary to knock her off the fence. The result? He will remain her H, and you will remain her OM. Why is that? Because fence sitters like it up there. They get what they want, and don't want to let go of either. As long as she is allowed to stay up there, she will. Which is really bad for you and her H. Whomever 'wins' won't really be winning much. One of you 'wins' the sort of woman who cheats in order to solve her problems instead of working on herself or with her partner to honestly and legitimately correct whatever is broken inside herself that makes her do this.

 

Word of warning: changing partners won't change a cheater. Be careful what you wish for. You fell hard for a cheater, and a cheater is what you will inevitably end up with if you 'win' her.

 

If you want a decent shot at a life with this woman, I would not suggest doing it unless she agrees to a sh*tload of individual counseling, and couples counseling for the both of you down the road. If you fail to do this, all that has changed is the partner. Her 'cheating' coping mechanism will remain firmly in place. Remember that when things get rocky between you two, or she gets bored, or the sex gets stale, or she isn't feeling the romance - all the stuff she ran to you for, she will run away from you in order to get from some other man. Its a vicious cycle. Fixable, but she has to understand that something needs fixing, and she needs to put the time and effort into fixing it and finding new coping mechanisms.

[stampdaddy]

Your affair has been going on 2 and a half years, right? Why didn't she take the 'time' at any point during those 2.5 years to 'figure things out' with her H? Why didn't she go to him and tell him the marriage wasn't working and she wanted out, and then given him the 'time' to 'figure things out' if he deserved that?

 

Why now? Because the affair was discovered? If the affair had not been discovered, would she still be having the affair, and not figuring anything out indefinitely?

 

If all she's doing is humoring him so he feels like 'we're figuring it out', has she made any plans - anything at all - for moving out, where she'd live, how she'd support herself? Has she talked to moving companies or started going through their things and deciding what to move and what to leave? Has she spoken to a divorce lawyer? Has she discussed any of her divorce plans with you? Has she told you how long she plans to humor her husband and when she plans to move out?

 

If she does get a divorce, are you certain that she would want to be with you? Or do you think she might then want time to 'do this alone'...meaning, she would need time away from you so she can get her life on track independent of her ex, you, or any other man? Do you think she might want to date for a while?

 

I'm throwing these questions out because you already HAVE all these questions and more running through your mind. You've been with her 2.5 years - why don't you KNOW what your MW is planning to do, what she WANTS to do? Why do you have so many questions? Shouldn't things be a lot more clear than they are? Why are you so full of doubts if you two have been together for so long and love each other and want to be together? Shouldn't you be more certain of her than you are? Why is she such a big mystery?

 

WHOA! actually 3 1/2 years (didnt do myself any favors telling you this, did I?) Tons of questions, no certainty, that's for certain.. BUT, HERE I AM TODAY, seeking the fine "help" from folks like yourself.. Making some progress, having some stebacks, BUT I WILL GET THERE.. Where ever "there" is...

[stampdaddy]

Women who are going to divorce do not 'work things out' with their husbands. If she wanted to divorce him, she would. Plain and simple. The problem is that she does not want to divorce him. She does not want to lose you either. Both of you are enabling yourselves to stay stuck in this situation.

 

You and her H are both so scared of losing her that you refuse to do what is necessary to knock her off the fence. The result? He will remain her H, and you will remain her OM. Why is that? Because fence sitters like it up there. They get what they want, and don't want to let go of either. As long as she is allowed to stay up there, she will. Which is really bad for you and her H. Whomever 'wins' won't really be winning much. One of you 'wins' the sort of woman who cheats in order to solve her problems instead of working on herself or with her partner to honestly and legitimately correct whatever is broken inside herself that makes her do this.

 

Word of warning: changing partners won't change a cheater. Be careful what you wish for. You fell hard for a cheater, and a cheater is what you will inevitably end up with if you 'win' her.

 

If you want a decent shot at a life with this woman, I would not suggest doing it unless she agrees to a sh*tload of individual counseling, and couples counseling for the both of you down the road. If you fail to do this, all that has changed is the partner. Her 'cheating' coping mechanism will remain firmly in place. Remember that when things get rocky between you two, or she gets bored, or the sex gets stale, or she isn't feeling the romance - all the stuff she ran to you for, she will run away from you in order to get from some other man. Its a vicious cycle. Fixable, but she has to understand that something needs fixing, and she needs to put the time and effort into fixing it and finding new coping mechanisms.

 

alright din

[norajane]

WHOA! actually 3 1/2 years (didnt do myself any favors telling you this, did I?) Tons of questions, no certainty, that's for certain.. BUT, HERE I AM TODAY, seeking the fine "help" from folks like yourself.. Making some progress, having some stebacks, BUT I WILL GET THERE.. Where ever "there" is...

 

I don't think we can 'help' you, not with the kind of help you really want which is an answer the main question you have - will she leave him?

 

My point in posing all those questions is to 'help' you realize that if she really were planning to leave her husband, you would already know the answers to them. That you have so much certainty this many years into the affair does not point to her leaving - unless HE kicks her out.

 

I could be wrong, of course, but that's my read on it.

 

And I'll add two more cents: I think it's pretty crappy of her to string you along all those years. If she really loves you, she would want you to LIVE your life, not put it on hold while you wait and wait for her to do something about her marriage.