So sorry, but I could use everyone's input again . . .

[SusanChess]

Somebody please help me figure this guy out because I've just about had it.

 

This post is just a refresher on my situation, with some additional details, so feel free to skip it:

 

I've known him for several years, and we worked together for much of that time. (We now work for different divisions of the same large company.) During the time that we worked together he started to flirt and he even said at one point that he thought we had something between us, but I literally laughed it off. I did, however, gradually start to develop feelings for him even though I'd decided years ago that I wouldn't get involved with anyone.

 

Around a year later, he decided to transfer out of state. For whatever reason, I was the last person that he told. When I did find out, I was furious since he usually told me everything. I was so mad, in fact, that I decided to help him leave in any way I could. I even wound up retooling his resume for him, as the version he had was pretty bad. (Ironically, a couple of years ago he helped reshape my personal statement for college admissions and did a fantastic job.) He got the job. However, he wound up hating the job and transferred back to my city in a year.

 

When he got back, we started to hang out occasionally. The first time we hung out he tried to put his hand over mine, and not thinking I pulled mine away. There have been other things like that too over the last couple of years.

 

And that's roughly where the last thread picked up. I had asked him if he could help me out with a class I was taking since he had majored in the subject in undergrad. I made arrangements to call him twice over a couple of weeks and didn't, but in the end we talked and I said I would just stop by his office after work this weekend.

[Star Gazer]

What is the question? You're just resurrecting an old thread? I'm not sure I understand.

[SusanChess]

I went over to his office on Saturday as planned, and we chatted for a while before knuckling down. When we'd been talking about nothing in particular for several minutes, he suddenly said, "hey, remember when you rewrote my resume and I got the job I wanted [out of state] because of it? Yeah, I wish you hadn't done that." So I said that if he hadn't had that job he hated, he wouldn't have wound up in the job he has now. Then he said, "Well, I think I would have wound up here anyway, don't you?" I was like, I guess so. Then I got kind of irritated because I felt like he was blaming me because he'd had a bad year. So I said, look, we all have off years, and turned around and pretended to look at something on the wall so he wouldn't see how mad I was. He was like, "did you just say we all have off years?" And I said, yes, without turning around. Finally he wisely decided to change the subject, and we got on fine after that. Once we finally got around to the course, after about a hour he decided that it would be a lot easier for me if he taught me how to use a specialized calculator he had at home. So, we made arrangements for me to go over to his house the next day so he could show me how to use it.

 

I was absolutely determined this time, that if he tried to make a move of any kind I wasn't backing down. (The last time we hung out I think he leaned in to kiss me and I looked away out of embarrassment.)

 

The thing is that the "move" never came. He had the perfect opportunity--on his home turf, we were alone, etc. Sure we sat really close together, he seemed to have no problem being an inch away from me or even touching me slightly, etc. Sure he was very attentive, even to the point where he nearly burned his dinner (I had already made plans for dinner with friends) and completely ignored the game he was supposed to be so interested in (I had to tell him to change the channel because an infomercial had been on for like ten minutes.)

 

Still, since he made no attempt to kiss me or anything, should I consider this a lost cause?

[SusanChess]

What is the question? You're just resurrecting an old thread? I'm not sure I understand.

 

Nope, just took me a while to make both posts.

[sunshinegirl]

He could have been implying that he wished he hadn't moved away from your city, where you are, for a year. You seem to have jumped to a conclusion that he was blaming you for what happened...a conclusion that doesn't seem at all warranted.

 

Maybe he hasn't made a move because he's not getting enough encouraging signals from you. Instead of turning away and being mad, maybe you could work on maintaining more eye contact and not shrugging off his attempts to get physical (ie putting his hand on yours).

 

It seems like you are expecting him to read your mind.

[sunshinegirl]

He could have been implying that he wished he hadn't moved away from your city, where you are, for a year. You seem to have jumped to a conclusion that he was blaming you for what happened...a conclusion that doesn't seem at all warranted.

 

Maybe he hasn't made a move because he's not getting enough encouraging signals from you. Instead of turning away and being mad, maybe you could work on maintaining more eye contact and not shrugging off his attempts to get physical (ie putting his hand on yours).

 

It seems like you are expecting him to read your mind.

[jcster]

It sounds like this guy is really trying to connect with you, and you keep shutting him down (albeit accidentally or out of nervousness). I think you should ask him out lunch or drinks - something mellow - if you really want to date him. He's done his best, and it didn't work out - now it's your turn.

[SusanChess]

He could have been implying that he wished he hadn't moved away from your city, where you are, for a year. You seem to have jumped to a conclusion that he was blaming you for what happened...a conclusion that doesn't seem at all warranted.

 

I know, I have a tendency to jump to conclusions. I really have a bad habit of putting the worst possible spin on whatever he does for some reason. That's part of the reason I looked away, that I wasn't sure of what exactly he was driving at.

 

I've always thought it was weird that everytime we were around other people he'd bring up that I wrote his resume and "got" him his job. It's just such a bizarre thing to say, because it's obviously untrue. Until this weekend I thought it was a really weird compliment, but now I'm wondering if I hurt his feelings somehow by doing it. I get the feeling he's driving at something else, but for whatever reason he's just not coming out with it. I thought I was bad in not saying what I mean, but he just might be even worse.

 

Maybe he hasn't made a move because he's not getting enough encouraging signals from you. Instead of turning away and being mad, maybe you could work on maintaining more eye contact and not shrugging off his attempts to get physical (ie putting his hand on yours).

 

That's just it, except for that moment I was really trying my best to do just that all weekend. I maintained eye contact, didn't back off when he got close to me, didn't even flinch when he touched me. He still didn't go any further. The only thing I didn't do was touch him.

[SusanChess]

It sounds like this guy is really trying to connect with you, and you keep shutting him down (albeit accidentally or out of nervousness). I think you should ask him out lunch or drinks - something mellow - if you really want to date him. He's done his best, and it didn't work out - now it's your turn.

 

I'm thinking of asking him to show me how to make the dish I sampled last night. He also mentioned something else that he thought was really "fun" to make. Would that work?

 

Which reminds me, don't you think it was kind of rude that he started making his dinner before I got there? Granted, it's not like I had to sit there and smell it the whole time since luckily he had a scented candle burning. But still . . . maybe there's a cultural difference but the way I grew up you just don't do that. He didn't even know that I was meeting friends for dinner until I'd already been there for awhile.

 

On the other hand, was this rude on my part? While I was eating, he asked me where my friends and I were going to dinner. He said the place I mentioned sounded like a good idea since you can never really go wrong there. Then he asked what movie we were going to see, etc. So I said, well, I'd ask you along but it looks like you're already pretty settled in here (he was probably 3 or so beers in plus I'd asked him earlier how long his games stayed on and he said the last one came on around 830.) He said, yeah, I try not to drive after I've been drinking. Now, of course it would have been silly of me to ask him to go, then, even after I'd said when I first got there that I couldn't drink anything because I would be driving people around for the rest of the night, make him drive. But still, I said yeah, that's really responsible of you and let it drop.

[Racquel Colette]

He sounds like he could be an alcoholic. I don't think he is that taken with you, from what you've stated.

[SusanChess]

He sounds like he could be an alcoholic. I don't think he is that taken with you, from what you've stated.

 

Why do you think he sounds like he could be an alcoholic?

 

Why do you think he's not that taken with me?

[Leia]

He didn't make a move again because the first time he ever did, you turned around. I don't guys like to be rejected twice from the same girl.

[ElvenPriestess]

I agree with Leia. He obviously likes you, but whenever he's tried to initiate you've backed off. So now he's waiting for you to give the "go ahead", so as to eliminate the possibility of further rejection. You know how he feels, he's told you AND tried to show you. You need to reciprocate that and let HIM know how YOU feel. IF that's what you want, and I'm assuming it is.

[Racquel Colette]

He had 3 beers while you were there. Not a good sign.

Plus if he really was into you, he would have made a move.

[Kamille]

maybe he started dinner before you got there because he thought of having you over for dinner.

[serialgf]

susanchess - i think the best advice for you is to try to have a positive attitude about him and his intentions - i mean, that's the natural way to perceive someone you really like. though, honestly, its hard to tell from your posts that you actually like him. point by point: the resume thing i think he was obviously trying to pay you a compliment even though its not totally accurate i would think its sweet that he said your resume helped him get the job, even if it ended up being a crappy job - i would laugh this one off. next, him making dinner i agree that maybe he was going to have you over and indeed you said he gave you a sample, right? sounds like the only reason he didn't have you over was because you already had dinner plans.... about the beers, i don't think 3 is a lot but it depends what night of the week it was - just as long as its not a daily habit, you know? i think you need to make the next move. try something like a movie, which might take a bit of pressure off you - it sounds like you might not be ready for the extensive one on one pressure of making dinner together - a movie is something more laid back because for most of the time you just sit there and he seemed interested in catching that last movie - sounds like he may have even gone along if you had offered to drive his drunk behind! hehe... seriously, though, if you really like this guy just tweak your outlook a little - i think then you'll see that he's throwing you all kinds of signs that he likes you and may just be a little afraid of rejection, justifiably so!

[Trialbyfire]

The only thing I didn't do was touch him.

The next time he sits or stands so close to you, put a hand on his chest, where his heart is. If you feel it racing, you've got your first BIG clue. If this is the case, lean into him with the rest of your body. You will get your second BIG clue. Good luck.

[Pixie Lady]

I think he ment he shouldnt have moved away from you. This is dragging out so long that your over analysing the situation. This guy seems intrested from what you've already said. Can you imagine how frustrated he is about this too? I say make your move on a more clear cut night. Ask him out to dinner and see how that goes. A few glasses of wine and you'll feel at ease enough telling him how you really feel.

 

Good luck

[Kamille]

I think the reason you are prone to analyse his every actions (as in the being offended about him starting dinner, or being offended about the comment) is because you've gotten yourself caugh in a game of "he likes me-he likes me not". Black and white, no shades of grey. You interpret is every actions with your fear of rejection in mind.

 

Stop it. Simply. Stop trying to figure out what he means by this and what he means by that. No one but him know what he means. Make a move. TBF's suggestion of touching his chest is an excellent one.

 

I think you hesitate so much about making a move because you're afraid of the consequences. If things go well, you won't believe it. At the same time, you've nearly been destroyed by rejection in the past, so your fear is understandable. Or perhaps I should rephrase that: you nearly let rejection destroy you in the past - so I can understand that you are putting everything into place to avoid being in that situation again.

[D-Lish]

He's made a couple moves and you have rejected him.

If I were him I would assume you weren't interested. You are probably confusing him.... giving him mixed signals.

 

What is rude about making dinner before you arrive??? I don't understand the reasoning behind that. Especially since you guys have been hanging out for a long time! It sounds as if he was doing someone nice.

 

If you like him, kiss him.

[SusanChess]

He's made a couple moves and you have rejected him.

If I were him I would assume you weren't interested. You are probably confusing him.... giving him mixed signals.

 

What is rude about making dinner before you arrive??? I don't understand the reasoning behind that. Especially since you guys have been hanging out for a long time! It sounds as if he was doing someone nice.

 

If you like him, kiss him.

 

Well, where I come from if you go to a person's house and they've started preparing dinner, you're sort of obligated to leave before they would reasonably start eating so they don't feel "obligated" to offer you anything.

 

So, I was thinking that since he hadn't mentioned anything before about dinner, plus his dinner was ready within a short while of my arriving, plus the reason I went over to his house in the first place should only have taken about 10-20 minutes, led me to think that maybe he thought/hoped I would pop in and pop out.

 

Now that I'm hearing everyone else's take on it though, the pieces fit together a little differently. Actually, what everyone's saying makes a whole lot more sense when I take everything into consideration. It even explains why he got so testy for a second when I asked him about the candle.

[SusanChess]

The next time he sits or stands so close to you, put a hand on his chest, where his heart is. If you feel it racing, you've got your first BIG clue. If this is the case, lean into him with the rest of your body. You will get your second BIG clue. Good luck.

 

Maybe . . . he'd probably use that as an excuse to flex his pecs, though. I'll try.

[SusanChess]

Now that I'm looking at this from another angle, I think I'm seeing why he didn't make the overt move I was expecting. It seems like he might have made a series of more tentative moves/comments over the weekend instead.

 

I have a few ways that I can "press" the issue over the next couple of weeks without sticking my neck out too much. I guess I have to concentrate on both not shying away physically and not putting the worst possible spin on what he's saying/doing.

[Trialbyfire]

Maybe . . . he'd probably use that as an excuse to flex his pecs, though. I'll try.

And you're uncertain if he's interested? Come on Susan. Take a chance and see where it goes. You only live once.

 

Worst case scenario, he's not interested. If so, there's more out there where he came from.

[D-Lish]

He likes you.

You're over thinking everything.