usababe Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 It seems like every time we take a step forward, he steps way back and then eventually comes forward again. I've known him now for 2 months, we went on a date and he texts me every day. The date went really well but he pulled away afterwards not contacting me for days then later apologised saying he's just finding it difficult as he hasn't dated anyone in a year but that he does like me, he really opened up that day but after that pulled back a bit only barely replying to my texts, even though he'd initiated the conversations. Then about a week later he started texting regularly again and I saw him out, he was across the room and was staring at me all night but we didn't get to talk. Then this weekend I wasn't out and he sent me a drunken text asking where I was as he didn't see me out, I replied the next day but he's pulling back again now. I don't thin he would have sent that if he was sober, I think it's a good sign he was looking for me but it seems like he's really scared of being vulnerable. He's a nice guy too and isn't a player. I don't know if he's playing mind games or he's not sure how I feel or even how he feels for that matter but it's getting really frustrating as we're in constant contact but I don't know if he wants it to go anywhere and I'm scared he'll feel pressured if I bring it up. Any ideas guys?
Phateless Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Sounds kinda like me, like he's not quite sure what he wants and still feels vulnerable. He probably likes you but is having a good time being single and is a little apprehensive of commitment. I know when I first started dating again I would find myself getting too excited about some girl too early and then I would force myself to back off and calm down to get some perspective, and it really helped. How long has he been single? My advice? Don't invite him on dates, invite him to hang out with friends. Less pressure, and you guys will get time together. When guys are on dates we feel like we have to be on point. It's a lot of pressure. "Hey I'm having a party on friday, you and your friends should come. :)"
Author usababe Posted December 10, 2007 Author Posted December 10, 2007 Thanks for you help, sounds like good advice. Anyone else that can help?
tanbark813 Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 It sounds like he's on the fence about whether or not he wants it to get more serious.
brothermartin Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Definitely scared. Maybe he has a trust issue with women. I do right now, and I've done the pull away thing too.
Author usababe Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 I agree, is there anything I can do to make him feel better? should I just be upfront about how I feel?
Timberlane Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 I agree, is there anything I can do to make him feel better? should I just be upfront about how I feel? Tell him it's OK to take things slow and that you really like him. Give him a little rest between dates and encourage him to go do things with his friends during those breaks. Then take that advice yourself and try not to over think how the relationship is developing.
Author usababe Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 Yeah I agree, I do tend to overthink and panic sometimes but I'm trying to learn from past mistakes and just relax and go with it. Hopefully we will get a chance to meet up this weekend so that should tell alot. Thanks for your advice, I appreciate it.
Phateless Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Tell him it's OK to take things slow and that you really like him. Give him a little rest between dates and encourage him to go do things with his friends during those breaks. Then take that advice yourself and try not to over think how the relationship is developing. I would tell him that you like him and don't mind taking things slow. Tell him to relax and "no pressure" and that might calm him down. Telling him you "really like him" might be a little much.
KarmaSutra Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 He's using what we call the Push/Pull Theory. He takes one step forward to PULL you in then he takes two steps back which PUSHES you, both mentally and emotionally, TOWARD him which ultimately concentrates the attraction you feel for him. It appears to be working. Now, many of you boy-men and girls will say how unfair these "mind games" are and how you don't do it but men with purpose and choice will use techniques such as the PUSH/PULL Theory in order to gauge a woman's dedication and worth.
Kamille Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 I might sound harsh but my reaction to your description is: don't waste your time. By this I mean that he hasn't given you enough for you to actually invest too much energy on trying to make things work. He's relying on settings that require a minimal effort for him to get in touch with you, which means that for whatever reasons (most likely his own issues), he's unsure whether or not he wants anything serious right now. You can still invite him to non threatening events if you want, but I just worry that you will end up in a relationship where you're always tiptoeing around his emotions if you start trying to cater to his uncertainty so soon in the process of dating. Avoid that at all cost. Most men like confident women, but a woman who always worries about how to approach the object of interest is far from being confident. Bottomline: don't put yourself in a situation which would undermine your confidence. My advice would be for you to back off, keep your dating options open (as in date other people) and see if he makes a bolder move to be with you.
LoveLace Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 I date a guy like that, just when things feel like it's going pretty good, he pulls away for a few days. When I let it be a few days, he always calls back. Guys like this are commit-phobe and it's easy to set yourself up for disappointment in the end. But in my case I don't ultimately want it serious with this dude...I just have an awesome time with him. So I don't have a problem with his need for space. I don't consider this an exclusive relationship, so I'm still free for opportunity to meet or date others, which gives me space as well. But what it boils down to is that if your not okay with what's going on, it's best not to go along with it anymore. When he has his moments of going "forward", you respond with excitement which is exactly what he wants, but only for that moment which is convenient for him. He pulls away when it would be "convenient" for you, right? This isn't fair. It has to work both ways. Even though my similar guy is commit-phobe, I finally got him trained to respond to MY convenience, too (By NOT responding to all of his "moments") But again, this makes him freak out for a few days like anything else, because it implies that he likes me a little more. It's a viscious circle with a commit-phobe.
tanbark813 Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 It's a viscious circle with a commit-phobe. Girls are way too quick to assume a guy is a commitmentphobe. Rather than the guy not wanting to be in a relationship, it's a far greater chance that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Do you want to start a LTR with every guy you date? I doubt it.
Trialbyfire Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 He's a nice guy too and isn't a player. Guess again. This is a typical player's technique. Set the hook, push/pull and the hook sinks in harder. If you want to play him back, go for it. Just don't invest. Btw, I'm not a guy but this has been used on me enough times that when I see it, I just shrug my shoulders.
LoveLace Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Do you want to start a LTR with every guy you date? I doubt it. No not necessarily and that's my point. That's why it's ok for me to date a guy that I like even if he doesn't want committment, because I might only like him just enough to date temporarily anyway. However he doesn't exactly know that because he doesn't ask; if one little thing freaks him out I just give him the 3-4 days to get over it, then he's fine and I don't even bring it up. In the OP's case it's not okay if she only wants LTR.
tanbark813 Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 No not necessarily and that's my point. That's why it's ok for me to date a guy that I like even if he doesn't want committment, because I might only like him just enough to date temporarily anyway. However he doesn't exactly know that because he doesn't ask; if one little thing freaks him out I just give him the 3-4 days to get over it, then he's fine and I don't even bring it up. My point is that not wanting an LTR doesn't necessarily make a person a commitmentphobe. Women throw around that term too often.
LoveLace Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 My point is that not wanting an LTR doesn't necessarily make a person a commitmentphobe. Women throw around that term too often. Around here yea i guess we do...there can be many reasons for not wanting a LTR but it's easier to generalize that by referring to someone as committ-phobe (here anyhow)...least that's the way I see it...others might think commit-phobia just means they don't want to get married...
Racquel Colette Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 He's Just Not That Into You. Please read that book. That is not the behavior of a guy who is crazy about you.
D-Lish Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Dating a flip-flopper can be really draining. I was with someone for four months and he played the extreme hot and cold game with me. It drove me nuts. He would come on strong- pull me in and then go missing for days at a time. I found myself getting sucked into the game and it became a pattern. He'd come on strong, I'd fall into it and respond, he'd pull away, so I'd feel hurt and become absent, then he would start chasing me again. Trust me- in the end, it's more effort then it is worth to get caught up in the games. I fooled myself into believing that his vulnerable moments was progress in our relationship... but the only constant in our relationship was the reality that he was going to pull away anytime he got too close to me. He liked the attention, and he liked the game... it sounds as if this guy is a lot like the guy I dated.
Author usababe Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 Dating a flip-flopper can be really draining. I was with someone for four months and he played the extreme hot and cold game with me. It drove me nuts. He would come on strong- pull me in and then go missing for days at a time. I found myself getting sucked into the game and it became a pattern. He'd come on strong, I'd fall into it and respond, he'd pull away, so I'd feel hurt and become absent, then he would start chasing me again. Trust me- in the end, it's more effort then it is worth to get caught up in the games. I fooled myself into believing that his vulnerable moments was progress in our relationship... but the only constant in our relationship was the reality that he was going to pull away anytime he got too close to me. He liked the attention, and he liked the game... it sounds as if this guy is a lot like the guy I dated. Wow yeah sounds exactly like my situation, did you end up confronting him? I know for a fact he isn't a player though he's quite shy really
LoveLace Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I ask the same question usababe. The guy I'm dating is totally a "flip-flopper". Even though it doesn't bother me nowadays, what about when I DO want to end it? How do you really end it with these guys, when your absence only makes them chase more? Well I guess one day I'll tell him to stop calling because I have a boyfriend...in fact that doesn't sound like a bad idea already...
Krytie TV Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 He's Just Not That Into You. Please read that book. That is not the behavior of a guy who is crazy about you. Congrats on finding a way to get that into another thread. Do you work for the publishing company by chance?
Author usababe Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 The thing with me though is I can't have anything casual with him as I'm already emotionally involved. I had a crush on him for months before we ever got together and it hurts not knowing how he feels in return. I do think he likes me but I don't know if that's enough. Like he was out with his guy friends at the weekend yet he text me wanting to know where I was as he was obviously expecting to see me there, I keep thinking well if he was playing with me and he was out with his boys wouldn't he have enjoyed his night, maybe even met another girl and not thought about me.
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