Holidays are making my mind crazy!

[abeliever]

Most of you know my story. My M is over and we still live in the same house. Still go and do some things together. Til the house sells, we have to remain civil and really try to be nice. Then a thought of good times comes to mind then WAM it hits me oh yeah he was cheating then too! I feel Christmas is a magical time (at least for me) to reflect on family and what it really means. This whole M has been a joke. Not to me, but to him and he still makes comments when I get sad that he still knows OW (one of them) phone number by heart rattles off the number and he could call her now and she would come and give him a massage (her profession). So I spit nasty things to him ( not all the time) but damn, it's hard to sit and take it.

 

He really still thinks he can talk me into to staying. Has said it to my face. I have told him I am NOT staying. OW (another one) is due in April 08 still. See what I mean by they know us and use it against us?? But he is mistaken, when this house sells we will pay off our joint bills and split the rest I am out of here. Then I can afford to move out on my own. So we tip toe around each other after a spat then all is ok for a while.

 

I guess I just need to know if the holidays makes others crazy too? The pain is still so fresh and puts me into a state of shock at times. I still cannot believe I am living a marriage that is a lie?? I would always see others like this and would even say wow I could never do that! Now look at me? It just hurts so much that I valued my M so much only to learn that my H didn't and still doesn't knowing my wishes to leave. Even says that last few OW don't count as affairs because I left house for 4 months. (I left because of the multiple affairs, but I moved so WTF?)

 

It is a game.? And for the life of me I do not understand it? Can anyone tell me something to ease the sting of all of this? I hurt physically and I am trying not to go on a anti-depressant. But it's an uphill battle. Why can't I just let it all go? I know he will NEVER change. I know he does not believe that this whole thing is that serious. (which makes me that much more insane) How do they live with it? I can't even get my head around what he did, so how does he live with it? It wouldn't do any good to ask him, he would just say now what are you thinking about that for? So I don't ask and frankly I know it shouldn't matter. So why do I care?

 

Any suggestions? Usually I do pretty well, last few days have been hell! I tear up a lot and try to swallow my hurt. Just having a hard time today.

 

Thanks

abeliever

 

ps my friend Stacie is doing well. Thanks for all the replies.

[heftysmurf]

Take care of yourself. Join a gym, get a new hairdo, hang out with a friend, get some clothes, etc. Do not do these things in spite. Do it to show you can move on healthy with them or without them. Do not wallow. I fight this by the minute but am trying my best!

[CastingPearls]

Hi believer. I rarely post but had to respond to your situation. My ex husband and I live in the same house. It's been 2 years since our divorce. We were married 25 years. He had multiple affairs and I felt he treated our marriage as a joke. The only reason we stayed together so long was that I tolerated everything and was excessively forgiving, because we had a pleasant lifestyle and nice home.

 

We live like strangers now. We are financially separated except for the house which is up for sale. I have times when I feel like you, missing the good memories and wondering what happened. You need to get busy with the next part of your life, which means committing to selling your house and moving on, don't get stuck hoping to make sense of it all or for him to explain why he behaved as he did. That's his life, his choice. It's a mistake to think his values are the same as yours.

 

Start living your life in a way that makes you happy, healthy and busy. You can't change the past, but try to leave your sad feelings behind and move forward. The more distant you get from them, the better you'll feel. And if you temporarily need antidepressant therapy, don't resist it. It can really help.

[Confused9]

Hi.

 

I am going through this too. I keep thinking last year was our last Christmas and I never knew and that is killing me. I am trying to get that out of my head and try and focus on me. I know it's so hard though. My X is in another state right now so I can't even see him and we aren't speaking...sometimes I wish we were but after reading your story it's obvious the nice things I think he will say probably aren't what he would really be saying.

 

I don't really know why your H is acting the way he is. It's not a joke at all what he is doing. It's almost like he's acting like it's not real...maybe to help himself? I don't know. I would be pizzed though.

 

He's having a baby with 1 of his A's and thinks your not really leaving? Even though he's had more than 1 A? I don't even understand his rational?

 

Listen, the holidays are going to be tough...we all know that, but just imagine that next years will be better. You'll get the first one's out of the way and who knows what next year holds for you.

 

Just take care of YOU!

[abeliever]

Thanks HS, CP-

 

I usually do keep busy, I guess the holidays just brought the worst out, who knows. Wow thats what I love about this site. You never think someone else goes thru what you did til you come here. Yes, I too am committed to selling our home although our market is bad. But with hopes someone soon will come and scoop it up. As for hoping it might work out, nah that is not I want for me. I don't want it to work out, but I do want some peace. Just curious as to why or how someone who had a good marriage with a good business and money coming in would throw it all away? It was the common thing that we shared was to live the "American Dream" always said how lucky we was to have found each other. (met thru ad 13 yrs ago)

 

I guess this is just one bad day, but being on here has lifted my spirits. I laughed and cried at some threads! That is my therapy.

 

Thanks for the concern, it's nice to have somewhere to vent when you need to.

 

abeliever

[abeliever]

thanks confused9, I have read your threads also. I wish you peace as well. I do appreciate all who is on here, we are very lucky to have found this site.

 

IMO

abeliever

[SueBee3490]

Most of you know my story. My M is over and we still live in the same house. Still go and do some things together. Til the house sells, we have to remain civil and really try to be nice. Then a thought of good times comes to mind then WAM it hits me oh yeah he was cheating then too!

 

Abeliever - this is just like me. My H and I still live in the house until it sells so I have to be civil to him as well. I have a friend at work who just can't understand this. She is always saying things to me like "why do you care if you make him mad" etc. I have to keep repeating that I have to remain civil until we can go our separate ways. It's good to see I'm not the only person living this mess. It's just easier to try and be somewhat nice instead of fighting all the time.

 

I found out about my partner's cheating almost 5 yrs ago and have went back and forth between thinking about working it out - to making a clean start. I think I need a clean start without him - he's just caused too much damage to this relationship. I know holidays are difficult. In fact this year we didn't even say "happy anniversary" to each other or even acknowledge it. That was so strange because I actually forgot about my anniversary till a day later. But then I also feel my H just thought our relationship was a joke as he went out on me 3 weeks before we married. I have also wondered what he feels or how he can live with himself knowing what he did to me. I sometimes think he feels justified in what he did so maybe that is his way of dealing with it. I just can't figure it out either.

 

I love to cross stitch and have been doing that alot lately. I also like walking for exercise but haven't done alot of it lately with the cold weather hitting us. So find something to take your mind off of thinking about it. I have analyzed his cheating every way possible and there will never be an acceptable answer as to why. I've come to the conclusion that there are people like my H who just have no problem with cheating. I think we all hurt because we thought we knew our partners. If you would have asked me if my H would cheat on me, I would have bet my life that he is not that type. I really thought I knew him quite well when in fact I didn't know him at all.

[abeliever]

SueBee-

 

Well, sister (in LS) you too have been a victim of what I call "Cheateritist"! LOL Ok it's not funny but it is. Yeah, people here think I have gone crazy. But I also work 60 hrs a week with him also. We own our own business too. So even if and when our home sells I will still be graced with his presence everyday monday thru friday! I too said no way would he ever cheat, but like you said I too was dead wrong. What did I know I was happy and thought her was too. Guess not joke was on me.

 

I do question why a lot. Then other times I don't care and just counting the days til it's sold and I can at least move away from each other. He comes accross like it was me who did this and my attitude. ??WTF? Really has little or no remorse for what pain he has caused. Last OW is pregnant and she is not sure it's his said she is telling new BF it's his. My H is ok with this! I am not! If it's his child he needs to know. But I am just the W and have no say in the matter from a legal standpoint. So, whatever I am out of it. But that also shows me what kind of man he is. Was not anything like this before or during our M til the end. Who knows maybe he was living a lie and it was too much to keep up?! His problem now, not mine.

 

I have taken a lot of attitude from him never did I cheat, so it's all you bunch of malarky! I am sorry to hear you know my pain as you know it can be devastating at times. So if you need an ear or just a friend I am here. Thank you so much for putting yourself out there for me. I love this site it has kept me from a nervous breakdown many times. Which I am sure would have happened if I had not found it this summer.

 

Im me anytime.

abeliever

[Cobra_X30]

Your original post made me think. I honestly can't say if my miss my mom on the holidays or not...

 

I have some fond memories... but other times I felt like an orphan. Is that normal?

[Frances]

I think Christmas being a time for families and having to put on a happy face an all that that entails is the hardest holiday to cope with when you are having a difficult time with a SO.

 

For me I am just going through the motions. So far I have not bought one present, put a decoration up or purchased a card. I have no plans for leaving yet.

 

Because you are looking at this been the last one in your present home is making things worse for you. You know its what you need to do but you still hate the fact that he ruined everything for you. He is the bad guy here.

 

Do you or him have to both stay in the house during the holidays?

 

I wish you peace and that you can make the best out of a difficult situation.

[SueBee3490]

SueBee-

 

Well, sister (in LS) you too have been a victim of what I call "Cheateritist"! LOL Ok it's not funny but it is. Yeah, people here think I have gone crazy. But I also work 60 hrs a week with him also. We own our own business too. So even if and when our home sells I will still be graced with his presence everyday monday thru friday! I too said no way would he ever cheat, but like you said I too was dead wrong. What did I know I was happy and thought her was too. Guess not joke was on me.

 

I do question why a lot. Then other times I don't care and just counting the days til it's sold and I can at least move away from each other. He comes accross like it was me who did this and my attitude. ??WTF? Really has little or no remorse for what pain he has caused. Last OW is pregnant and she is not sure it's his said she is telling new BF it's his. My H is ok with this! I am not! If it's his child he needs to know. But I am just the W and have no say in the matter from a legal standpoint. So, whatever I am out of it. But that also shows me what kind of man he is. Was not anything like this before or during our M til the end. Who knows maybe he was living a lie and it was too much to keep up?! His problem now, not mine.

 

I have taken a lot of attitude from him never did I cheat, so it's all you bunch of malarky! I am sorry to hear you know my pain as you know it can be devastating at times. So if you need an ear or just a friend I am here. Thank you so much for putting yourself out there for me. I love this site it has kept me from a nervous breakdown many times. Which I am sure would have happened if I had not found it this summer.

 

Im me anytime.

abeliever

 

Abeliever - I am so sorry that not only are you dealing with working with him but you also have to deal with a baby coming out of his affair. So sorry for your pain - I can't even imagine that. I just had to deal with the cheating aspect so when we sell our house, I hope to never see him again.

 

You have mentioned that your H thinks he can make you stay - that is so much like my H. My background is that my H cheated while we dated and hasn't cheated since being married (that I know of!!) I married him not knowing he was cheating on me the whole time. My H thinks he can say "I haven't cheated since being married" and I'm going to stay with him because of that. I've told him after thinking it all over, there is no justification or excuse for what he did and I won't stay with a cheater. After all, we did date 2 1/2 yrs before marrying - he could have come clean sometime within those 2 1/2 yrs and tell me what he was doing.

 

You can talk to me anytime. Also I'm glad I found this site. Before my H cheated, I never really put any thought into cheating, infidelity, betrayal, etc. I wasn't affected by it so I didn't think about it. I probably thought what society seems to tell us, that if you're cheated on, it must be something wrong with you or the person wouldn't cheat. Well I now know that this isn't true. I spent so much time trying to figure out why he didn't think that I was good enough so of course my self-esteem went through the floor. When counselor after counselor told me it was him, not me. But I still felt "not good enough". I sure hope I have something "good" to offer the right man - I'm just tired of trying.

[FireandIce]

I love Christmas and now knowing that my H was cheating on me this time last year does put a bit of a damper on the holidays. It'll be a year in February since I found out and although things are alot better between the two of us (we stayed together) it is still very hard and not something that I will forget anytime soon. Everything still replays in my head and I hate that! I just wish I could forget about it an move on but I can't seem to. I love him, I truly do but deep down I'm still angry that he could do that to me and our family. I have tried to work on forgiveness and I do understand why he did what he did, to a point but IMO it seemed like the chicken ***** way out instead of dealing with things.

 

On a happier note, I have done many improvments to myself over the almost year and I think that has really helped me deal with everything else. I know when I first started posting here (I don't post much anymore) someone said to me that it could take a couple of years before I get over it and I didn't believe them. Well, now I do and sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it. Yes I love him, yes I love our life together and yes I want to stay but forgiving is hard enough to do let alone forgetting about the whole thing.

[abeliever]

Cobra- Do you think missing time during holidays with your Mom has afftected your personal relationships??? Just wondering?? (Not shrinking you-ha)

 

 

Frances- I hate to put on a happy face. But I do that daily we have 16 employees and they rely on our company to run smoothly. We are responsible for their paychecks each week. So with that in mind I can't be selfish. Others can just say F$%# it and go on. I have to keep calm and find my exit that does not affect them. It really sucks. But I owe them for my success so it's not that much to me to keep that part up at work. I feel it is the right thing to do. Not to bring my drama to our workplace.

 

SueBee3490 (my sister in LS)

So he cheated before M? And not during? Curious as to why you are here? (glad you are though) Did it sneak up on you later in years? How did you get over it? I know I pretended over all the A's then grew tired of it all. I don't blame him as much as myself. I could have left a long time ago. I just didn't. But curious if you think it's a sign of weakness? I never lost my self esteem, I mean I think I am a good person, ok looking, need to loose a few pounds but all around a good honest person. But in my M I just tried to hold it together for my Gma married us and my promise to my vows is what kept me there the most.

 

FireandIce

I stayed at first, from a woman who stayed keep your eyes open. Once you stay they get better at hiding it. They also get a sense that if you catch them again you won't leave. (in my exp.) My H bought a trac cell phone and calls didn't show up on our bill. But found other cell phone charging in garage and it was on vibrate so I wouldn't hear it. See what I mean, they only get better at it. They are so clever. Also google "how to keep your affair secret"! My H had googled it I saw it in his history. It will show you all the ways they can hide it and you need to be informed. Not saying he is cheating but I closed my eyes for whatever reason. Wish I would have been more informed. Glad to hear your M is surviving, I am rooting for you.

 

Thanks all for replying.

abeliever

[SueBee3490]

SueBee3490 (my sister in LS)

So he cheated before M? And not during? Curious as to why you are here? (glad you are though) Did it sneak up on you later in years? How did you get over it? I know I pretended over all the A's then grew tired of it all. I don't blame him as much as myself. I could have left a long time ago. I just didn't. But curious if you think it's a sign of weakness? I never lost my self esteem, I mean I think I am a good person, ok looking, need to loose a few pounds but all around a good honest person. But in my M I just tried to hold it together for my Gma married us and my promise to my vows is what kept me there the most.

abeliever

 

Thanks for asking abeliever and yes he did cheat before and he could very well be cheating now? How will I know since he's good at keeping secrets? I often go between the infidelity board and the one for cheating, flirting, etc. You know I also blame myself more for not seeing through him. As I said earlier, we dated 2 1/2 yrs and it also was a long-distance relationship. I lived in IL and him in KS so it was more convenient for him to cheat and less likely I'd find out as we saw each other every other weekend but talked every night on the phone. I did find out about 1 1/2 yrs into dating that he went out for coffee with a woman (he actually had me believing this!!) once or twice - only later I found out they had sex too. But he made me believe I was "pushing" him away and that's why. When I actually believed it was my fault and we continued our relationship with his promise that he would only date me and we would be monogamous. I told him we could break up and he could date whoever but HE begged me to give him another chance. Looking back now, I was stupid - should have never given him another chance as he just continued to cheat.

 

As far as if it's a sign of weakness or whatever - I really don't know abeliever. He has given me so many excuses for why he cheated with anything from I wouldn't move to KS, to me never saying I loved him (when I said it everyday!), to his father telling him he was ugly so he married his first wife because he thought she's the best he could do, to him thinking I was "too good" for him and he figured I would cheat on him. It's all bull****. I mean I've heard it all. I still tell him that none of the fault lies with me - it's all on him. He could have walked away from me with never a word - we weren't married but he didn't. He continued to use me like a doormat knowing that I loved him so much and he just used me. That's what makes me sick. he even said his ex-wife cheated on him but he NEVER cheated on her. You know what that makes me feel like? Knowing I loved him so much and wouldn't cheat but he treated me as he did and she is cheating on him but he wouldn't cheat on her? It broke my heart.

 

Good for you on having a healthy self-esteem - I don't. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters - all married and happy and I am the only one who can't seem to get it right. My 1st marriage ended and now this one will too. Need to go but will be back in a while

 

Take care

[Cobra_X30]

Cobra- Do you think missing time during holidays with your Mom has afftected your personal relationships??? Just wondering?? (Not shrinking you-ha)

 

Yeah... I was just kind of shrinking myself there.

 

You have to realize that I'm not in contact with my Mom, and it's been like that for a long time. Sometimes.... sometimes I miss her a little. We share many personality traits, we both tend to be charming and fun.

 

To answer your question... yeah it does affect me. It tends to make the whole holiday season less important to me... and yet the desire for it to be special remains.

 

If you have children... perhaps you should someday have a chat with them about how the D is affecting them.

[abeliever]

Suebee-

 

Funny I have said the same thing. How could a smart woman like me let someone like this get over on me?! At least 1 million times!

 

Self Esteem- well to me it's a choice to believe in that. So your brothers and sisters have good marriages doesn't mean your not capable of one. Just you haven't found the "right" person. I happen to think your a great person! Good listener, giving of your time and helping others! Sure you have self esteem, reach down and get it. I will not let another person tell me and make me believe what they think! It's up to you, to know who you are. Not having to be a superstar but a loving, caring person who wants the best for yourself and others! Sure I said before I wish I could lose a few more pounds (who doesn't) but I am working on it. But let no one say I don't try always to be a nice person to others because I know better.

 

You have to give yourself permission to fail at some things how else will you grow? Yes sure it's hard to believe we are learning thru the pain at the end of our divorces but hey we are. Just read the threads, they are living proof.

 

Don't ever give that power (self esteem) away for someone to take it. It is yours to keep. You are a great person. Now it takes YOU knowing that.

 

I see that in you.

abeliever