Lauriebell82 Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Well, for everyone who posted on my other thread about the house situation, here is an update. Background for those who don't know though, bf and I have been together for almost 17 months. We have plans to move into an apartment together when I graduate from grad school in May. We have talking about how he wants to buy a condo, but I had reservations about paying a mortgage that my name is not on. So, we had a great talk. I told him all my reservations and he said he understood. We are going to start looking at apartments in the spring, and if we find one we really really like we will just sign a one years lease. I don't know when this guy is going to propose, so I don't have any idea when an engagement would happen. I'm not going to even think about paying any kind of mortgage without that committment in place. I hope I'm doing the right thing. Now something else that happened the other day was weird. I'm coming home for a month, and again in the same situation I was last year. He wants me to stay at his apartment with him every night. However, I don't have a copy of his key. It's a pain in the butt running back to my parents and then to his apartment all the time, it's essentially like living out of two places. That is something I don't want to do. When he'll go to work and I have the day free he will give me his key so I can come and go, then I have to give it back. I tried to talk to him about it last night and said that it's hard living out of two places and my parents live farther from where I'm going to be working over break then he does. He rationalized it by saying that "it's only 15 minutes out of your way." I was going to ask him if we could make a copy of his key for me, but then chickened out. GRRRRR, why does this bother me so much? I actually even gave him a copy of my key when he visited me last week because I wasn't going to be there when he got there. And still, no key for me...
NYCHottie Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Wow. I can see why youd be pissed. He wants you there fulltime but also doesnt want you to have free and easy access to the place. Hes like a jailer almost! ha ha. I think he wants his cake and to eat it too. Like he wants you there when he allows it but otherwise he doesnt want to worry about you dropping in unexpectedly. Are you sure hes faithful? Not sure why else he would not want you to have a key unless he doesnt want you there unannounced.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted December 10, 2007 Author Posted December 10, 2007 Wow. I can see why youd be pissed. He wants you there fulltime but also doesnt want you to have free and easy access to the place. Hes like a jailer almost! ha ha. I think he wants his cake and to eat it too. Like he wants you there when he allows it but otherwise he doesnt want to worry about you dropping in unexpectedly. Are you sure hes faithful? Not sure why else he would not want you to have a key unless he doesnt want you there unannounced. He would NEVER cheat on me, I know that. I don't know, I don't understand this. It worries me because we are moving in together in May..what does he think is going to happen then? We are both going to come and go. He said before he is a little possessive of his apartment because this past 6 months is the first time he has ever lived alone. But I am practically living here now, without a key!!!! Actually he forgot to leave me his key the other day, so I was stranded in his apartment. I sent him a text message saying that he forgot to give me his key, and he told me to just leave if I had to do something and leave his door open and that nobody would rob him! So he'd rather leave his door unlocked then give me a key..what the hell?
Star Gazer Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 BF voluntarily compromised about a key without me asking by getting a hide-a-key. Something about me having the key in my possession must make him nervous, but he's willing to allow me to have access 24/7. I don't get it either. If I were in your situation, LB, I'd just flatly ask him for a key. If he said no, I'd ask why, and continue to ask why until I really understood his reservations, even if I didn't agree with them.
NYCHottie Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 That's just so strange. Do you question his commitment to you though? Perhaps he is just slower letting his reality catch up with how he feels now? Maybe he isn't as ready to share he thinks he is? If it were me, I would tell him that I would be staying at my parents fulltime, since he seems to not be quite ready for the commitment of me having my own key. That maybe he needs some more time to think it through... And fyi - if a guy installs a hide a key, I wouldnt be that flattered like its some big move. He still controls when the key is there... These are all just signs that maybe he is not quite ready to fully merge...
Author Lauriebell82 Posted December 10, 2007 Author Posted December 10, 2007 BF voluntarily compromised about a key without me asking by getting a hide-a-key. Something about me having the key in my possession must make him nervous, but he's willing to allow me to have access 24/7. I don't get it either. If I were in your situation, LB, I'd just flatly ask him for a key. If he said no, I'd ask why, and continue to ask why until I really understood his reservations, even if I didn't agree with them. Thanks SG..but at least your bf grants you access to his apartment with a spare key after only a couple months. We've been together almost a year 1/2!!! Like I said I tried to talk to him about it last night, trying to get him to voluntarily suggest making a copy of his key for me to stay here..but he rationalized the situation by saying that going to my parents wouldn't be a big deal. So obviously he doesn't want to me have a key, or even access to a key other than when he gives me his to use. And I think it's f'up that he'd rather me leave his door opened where someone could break in then give his serious gf a copy. Your right, I'm going to flat out ask him. He is going to say no, I'm just scared of his reasons why. After how long we have been together, and the fact that we are moving into together in 6 months, I don't get what the hold up is.
Star Gazer Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 I think you need to re-read NJ's posts about your BF's need to control the relationship.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted December 10, 2007 Author Posted December 10, 2007 I think you need to re-read NJ's posts about your BF's need to control the relationship. Yeah, that's what I think too. But it seems whenever I do talk to him about issues like that, he compromises and we work it out. Its like he is realizing what he is doing, why it bothers me, and he tries to compromise to make me happy. Maybe bringing this up will work too.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted December 10, 2007 Author Posted December 10, 2007 That's just so strange. Do you question his commitment to you though? Perhaps he is just slower letting his reality catch up with how he feels now? Maybe he isn't as ready to share he thinks he is? If it were me, I would tell him that I would be staying at my parents fulltime, since he seems to not be quite ready for the commitment of me having my own key. That maybe he needs some more time to think it through... And fyi - if a guy installs a hide a key, I wouldnt be that flattered like its some big move. He still controls when the key is there... These are all just signs that maybe he is not quite ready to fully merge... Yeah, thats something that worries me. However, I have seen in the past that he tends to have a little control freak nature to him and sometimes likes to control things in our relationship. We have had some issues with this, most recently with the condo and the marriage stuff. I talked to him though, and we worked it out. It's like he doesn't realize what he is doing until I call him on it..and then he compromises. Like I said I treid to talk to him last night and chickened out..guess I'm going to have to suck it up and ask him why he doesn't want to have one. I'm scared of what he is going to say though...
NYCHottie Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Oh well if thats the case then it sounds like he needs a push to let him know he is acting up again. Sounds like once you call him on his behavior he remedies it, so no reason to think he wont do the same. Tell him you will really need your own key if you are going to stay at his place.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted December 10, 2007 Author Posted December 10, 2007 Oh well if thats the case then it sounds like he needs a push to let him know he is acting up again. Sounds like once you call him on his behavior he remedies it, so no reason to think he wont do the same. Tell him you will really need your own key if you are going to stay at his place. Thanks..yeah I am going to flat out ask him why he won't make me a copy of his key..if he wants me to stay here than that's what he's going to have to do. If he says he won't make me a copy I'm just going to stay at my parents I guess..which he isn't going to like too much!
curiousnycgirl Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 It's very simple, tell him that unless you have your own key, you are not going to move in with him. His reservations are silly and it's really unfair to expect you to run back and forth. So just say no.
Star Gazer Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 It's very simple, tell him that unless you have your own key, you are not going to move in with him. His reservations are silly and it's really unfair to expect you to run back and forth. So just say no. Exactly. This is perfectly fair. I'd end up saying, "I find it odd that you're asking me to move in with you to a condo, but at the same time not allowing me to have a key of my own. What gives, dude?" (All with a cute smile on my face of course...)
Author Lauriebell82 Posted December 10, 2007 Author Posted December 10, 2007 So I cooked my boyfriend dinner tonight and had it ready when he got home from work. He was soooo excited and happy. So hopefully that will be a little incentive for him to give me my own key. I will talk to him about it tonight, I'm a little nervous about what he is going to say! I will let you guys know how it went when I talked to him. I guess the way into a man's heart is through his stomach...
Krytie TV Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 This just sounds weird to me. What, he's only willing to give you free reign if you are paying him? This guy honestly sounds like he has control problems, no offense meant LB. He wants you to live with him and pay rent in a house he owns but won't make an extra key for a month? Sounds pretty weird and... well, selfish. Does he always need to "gain" something in a situation?
norajane Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 So I cooked my boyfriend dinner tonight and had it ready when he got home from work. He was soooo excited and happy. So hopefully that will be a little incentive for him to give me my own key. I will talk to him about it tonight, I'm a little nervous about what he is going to say! I will let you guys know how it went when I talked to him. I guess the way into a man's heart is through his stomach... What in the world are you afraid of? This is the man you want to marry and to live with. You aren't seriously afraid of rocking the boat over a key, are you? Just tell him you're going to make a spare copy of the key in the morning so you don't get stranded without a key again.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 Well, here are the results of our talk. I sat him down and real serious said I needed to talk to him about something. So I asked him if we could make a copy of his key so that I could come and go from his apartment. And he said "Okay." And that was it!!! Nothing else, just real casually said that. Then he asked me if that was all I had to talk to him about! He said actually that is more conveniant for him too, because then he doesn't have to worry about being locked out and he doesn't have to call and make sure I'm home. So I have absolutely NO idea why the hell he didn't give me one sooner..I think he is a little dense about the whole adult relationship thing. Last time he had a serious gf was when he was 19, and they didn't really have any issues with keys because he lived in the dorms and she lived in his hometown. I suppose he is new to the whole "staying in each other's apartments and living together thing." Man I need to try not to get so scared to talk to him..he's usually really understanding!!!
Author Lauriebell82 Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 What in the world are you afraid of? This is the man you want to marry and to live with. You aren't seriously afraid of rocking the boat over a key, are you? Just tell him you're going to make a spare copy of the key in the morning so you don't get stranded without a key again. It wasn't that I was afraid of rocking the boat, more of that he wasn't ready for the type of committment as I am, and as the type that I thought he wanted. But turns out I was worrying for nothing. This is very weird, I think he does have control issues, however I talk to him about it and he is very understanding and we work it out. Hmm, I'll have to keep that in mind!
Author Lauriebell82 Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 My boyfriend made a copy of his key for me, and now I can get in and out! He is actually much happier too, that he doesn't have to give it back and forth to me. I have no clue why he didn't just give me a copy in the first place. I am curious, I think i'm going to ask him. Thanks for your advice everyone, flat out asking him worked! Why are men so complicated...
Cobra_X30 Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 I have no clue why he didn't just give me a copy in the first place. I am curious, I think i'm going to ask him. Thanks for your advice everyone, flat out asking him worked! Why are men so complicated... I'd bet money he just didnt think about it.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 I'd bet money he just didnt think about it. Exactly what he said! You and my bf think alike Cobra...
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