it's been a week... seems like a year

[stampdaddy]

Well, it's been a week now since I've seen her sweet face.. seems like forever ago.. Remember, it was last Monday that I walked into her bathroom as she was blowdrying her hair (I've already been flamed, but thank you) and she looked up and there I was.. She turned and just grabbed me.. We were "trying NC" but it wasnt working. I needed "just one more day" with her, to try to "feel" where her heart was... So, we left, she met me at the mall parking lot, and we came back to my house (no dirty thoughts please). She just melted into me for 3 or so hours. No talking really, it was "understood" that we need to do this. That SHE needs to do this, if WE are to become WE.. Again, she feels that she owes him TIME, without me standing right there front and center, but I know I have to be that "white elephant" in the corner... When I dropped her back off at her car, she just looked at me, said, "I LOVE YOU", told me that she is going to be smart, BUT, "i Know where your feelings are", or something like that.. And that was that.. When I got back home, in my office she had written on a little sticky note, "Yes, YES"

 

She was referring to several questions that I have asked over the last few weeks/months, mainly, will "WE" be OK? Will WE be WE?? Her answers were always kind of encrypted, like, "im sure everything will be fine", leaving me with, "what the hell does that mean?"

 

There is alot of HOPE in the above, but I am aware it could all get disolved in her mess at home..

[addicted2love]

Well, it's been a week now since I've seen her sweet face.. seems like forever ago.. Remember, it was last Monday that I walked into her bathroom as she was blowdrying her hair (I've already been flamed, but thank you) and she looked up and there I was.. She turned and just grabbed me.. We were "trying NC" but it wasnt working. I needed "just one more day" with her, to try to "feel" where her heart was... So, we left, she met me at the mall parking lot, and we came back to my house (no dirty thoughts please). She just melted into me for 3 or so hours. No talking really, it was "understood" that we need to do this. That SHE needs to do this, if WE are to become WE.. Again, she feels that she owes him TIME, without me standing right there front and center, but I know I have to be that "white elephant" in the corner... When I dropped her back off at her car, she just looked at me, said, "I LOVE YOU", told me that she is going to be smart, BUT, "i Know where your feelings are", or something like that.. And that was that.. When I got back home, in my office she had written on a little sticky note, "Yes, YES"

 

She was referring to several questions that I have asked over the last few weeks/months, mainly, will "WE" be OK? Will WE be WE?? Her answers were always kind of encrypted, like, "im sure everything will be fine", leaving me with, "what the hell does that mean?"

 

There is alot of HOPE in the above, but I am aware it could all get disolved in her mess at home..

 

Have you set a time limit on this NC? It believe it is only fair to you to set a time limit. One that works for both of you and especially one that works for you.

 

You are doing the right thing by giving her space and time to figure out what it is she needs to do at home. However even though there isn't a way for her to measure how long she will need to do this, it is completely unfair to you to sit and wait indefinately.

 

I encourage you to look up and read old posts from "ratingsguy" he was in a very similar situation as you are right now. His MW did eventually get D. Then asked him for more time apart so she could "find herself". He set a time limit that suited his needs. He was more than fair with her and very much in love with MW but made sure she knew he wasn't going to wait forever.

 

I do wish he was still around, I'm sure he'd have some words of wisdom for you stampdaddy.

 

A2L

[addicted2love]

Well, it's been a week now since I've seen her sweet face.. seems like forever ago.. Remember, it was last Monday that I walked into her bathroom as she was blowdrying her hair (I've already been flamed, but thank you) and she looked up and there I was.. She turned and just grabbed me.. We were "trying NC" but it wasnt working. I needed "just one more day" with her, to try to "feel" where her heart was... So, we left, she met me at the mall parking lot, and we came back to my house (no dirty thoughts please). She just melted into me for 3 or so hours. No talking really, it was "understood" that we need to do this. That SHE needs to do this, if WE are to become WE.. Again, she feels that she owes him TIME, without me standing right there front and center, but I know I have to be that "white elephant" in the corner... When I dropped her back off at her car, she just looked at me, said, "I LOVE YOU", told me that she is going to be smart, BUT, "i Know where your feelings are", or something like that.. And that was that.. When I got back home, in my office she had written on a little sticky note, "Yes, YES"

 

She was referring to several questions that I have asked over the last few weeks/months, mainly, will "WE" be OK? Will WE be WE?? Her answers were always kind of encrypted, like, "im sure everything will be fine", leaving me with, "what the hell does that mean?"

 

There is alot of HOPE in the above, but I am aware it could all get disolved in her mess at home..

 

Have you set a time limit on this NC? It believe it is only fair to you to set a time limit. One that works for both of you and especially one that works for you.

 

You are doing the right thing by giving her space and time to figure out what it is she needs to do at home. However even though there isn't a way for her to measure how long she will need to do this, it is completely unfair to you to sit and wait indefinately.

 

I encourage you to look up and read old posts from "ratingsguy" he was in a very similar situation as you are right now. His MW did eventually get D. Then asked him for more time apart so she could "find herself". He set a time limit that suited his needs. He was more than fair with her and very much in love with MW but made sure she knew he wasn't going to wait forever.

 

I do wish he was still around, I'm sure he'd have some words of wisdom for you stampdaddy.

 

A2L

[stampdaddy]

Have you set a time limit on this NC? It believe it is only fair to you to set a time limit. One that works for both of you and especially one that works for you.

 

You are doing the right thing by giving her space and time to figure out what it is she needs to do at home. However even though there isn't a way for her to measure how long she will need to do this, it is completely unfair to you to sit and wait indefinately.

 

I encourage you to look up and read old posts from "ratingsguy" he was in a very similar situation as you are right now. His MW did eventually get D. Then asked him for more time apart so she could "find herself". He set a time limit that suited his needs. He was more than fair with her and very much in love with MW but made sure she knew he wasn't going to wait forever.

 

I do wish he was still around, I'm sure he'd have some words of wisdom for you stampdaddy.

 

A2L

I dont know if the rest of my life is an appropriate time limit or not.. I keep looking out of my window today, half expecting here to pull into my driveway.. But as these "hurdles" I mentioned above are crossed, TIME will be passing. And once they do, and we roll into spring, I am sure I will know by then what is what.... SPRING, please hurry!!!

[washingtonlady]

SD

 

I am with you! SPRING His daughter will graduate. Then MY life can move. somewhere. I Just hope for tomorrow to be better thatn today.

 

I know you are in this same craziness. It will get better!!

 

I believe that.

[stampdaddy]

OK, here is what I am gathering from all of this:

 

She, MY LOVE, has asked me for NC, SHE needs to do this to do it right.. It is imortant to HER. SO, I will honor her.. I love her enough to do so. SOmeone mentioned earlier that I have "put all of my eggs in one basket", and I replied, "YES, I have. That's what you do when you love someone". She knows this. She KNOWS I am hurting too. She knows that she is adored...

 

I need to continue to work on MY goals, goals that are important for ME, but more so IF we are to become WE.. I don't need to be behind on acheiving these goals by wallowing in this mess..

 

SO, I need to stand up, a dive right in... SHe knows where I am and SHE KNOWS SHE IS LOVED.

 

For the record: She can take my breath away at ANY moment of any day. She is my definition of BEAUTIFUL. I miss every "little detail" about her, AND I miss my best friend.... I AM SO IN LOVE WITH HER

[whichwayisup]

Use the NC for you. Stop focussing and making it ALL about her, and it becoming "we". You have NO control over what is going to happen UNLESS you end it right now. To sit and wait and pine for her is not going to make you a stronger person, it already has played on your self confidence and self esteem. Calling yourself a fool, stupid, etc, is not healthy - It is the SITUATION itself that has caused you this heartache.

[stampdaddy]

Use the NC for you. Stop focussing and making it ALL about her, and it becoming "we". You have NO control over what is going to happen UNLESS you end it right now. To sit and wait and pine for her is not going to make you a stronger person, it already has played on your self confidence and self esteem. Calling yourself a fool, stupid, etc, is not healthy - It is the SITUATION itself that has caused you this heartache.

all I am saying WW is that if I can focus on what she has ASKED of me, that I do that. As hard as it is, make it a GOAL of mine. HONOR what she has asked of me... This isnt easy for her either, I can tell you.. You are correct, I did get pretty down on myself.

 

SO again, let me get to a point where I can be proud of myself for honoring what SHE has asked of ME..

[whichwayisup]

What was it she has asked you to do during the NC? Make sure "you" becomes a "we", you build the life for the "we" while she decides what and who she wants? Sorry, maybe I'm misunderstanding you at the moment (Didn't get enough sleep lastnight).

[stampdaddy]

What was it she has asked you to do during the NC? Make sure "you" becomes a "we", you build the life for the "we" while she decides what and who she wants? Sorry, maybe I'm misunderstanding you at the moment (Didn't get enough sleep lastnight).

 

She said that, quote: "I need to do this alone, without YOU front and center. HE has asked this of me, to not have contact with you while we figure out what to do. He said that while they may end up Divorced, he needs it to be THEIR decison, and without me standing right there. She said that he deserves this. (this is coming immediately after her leaving a counseling session where we BOTH thought, H and me, that she was going to say she wanted D, but was advised to give H 6 months for this). Anyway, she NEVER said goodbye, would NOT send me one of those "joint" calls, letters etc in front of him telling me goodbye. She refused to do that. Last week, when we saw each other last, I don't think we could have ever been "closer" to each other in just about every way. Nothing was said, nothing was promised, just connection. However, she did leave me a note in my office saying, "Yes, YES". I know what that refers to, and it IS a good thing... When I dropped her off, she said, "my name", I LOVE YOU, and you know that.. I will be smart about this, BUT I also know where your feelings are... I'll see you soon...

[whichwayisup]

But she is making you a 'promise' that she really can't keep. She could very well easily decide that the efforts made between her and her H make a difference.

 

All I was saying is, use the NC time for you and not to focus on the "we". There is no "we" anymore. And yeah, she didn't say goodbye it's over, but I'm sure she HAS told her husband it IS competely over between you two. That should be assumed, I mean, if he knew that you were waiting for them to fail quietly and she has kept you sort of in the picture though NC is happening, he'd be pissed off and upset. She didn't want to end it with you because if it doesn't work out between them she does have you to fall back on and be with. I know you can't look at it that way...It isn't as malcious as it reads, but the bottomline is, she SHOULD have told you goodbye, with him so their marriage can have a real chance, so she can see him in a light without you in the background.

[Owl]

Stamp-

 

Haven't really posted to you, but figured I'd give you some insight.

 

She needs that NC from you for a couple of reasons, but the first and foremost one is because the AFFAIR is addictive. Not you...the affair. As you're feeling for yourself now. You too are addicted to the affair...but its very hard for the affair partners to distinguish between that addiction and their 'love' for their affair partner.

 

It takes 30-45 days to break a habit. Her affair with you is a habit...so she's going to need at least that 45 days to break that habit. It gives her time to sort out if what she's feeling for you is 'love'...or 'addiction'.

 

And here's the thing...ANY kind of contact from you or with you will reset that clock. Just like having a drink resets that recovery time for an alchoholic.

 

And here's an angle that you might consider too...

 

 

YOU need that same 45 days, for the same reasons. Even if SHE breaks NC...YOU need to keep it in place. To prove to yourself that the two of you have done all the RIGHT things that you needed to do. That she's given her marriage and her family every chance to recover and fix the damage...that she's made the RIGHT choice...whichever choice that is.

 

If, after 45 days she contacts you...THEN you can 'see where things stand'. Then you'll know that you've done all that you can to let her make all the right choices without being influenced by you or the affair.

 

Make sense?

 

Its about doing it for her, as you've talked about. Its also about doing it for YOU as well.

[stampdaddy]

Stamp-

 

Haven't really posted to you, but figured I'd give you some insight.

 

She needs that NC from you for a couple of reasons, but the first and foremost one is because the AFFAIR is addictive. Not you...the affair. As you're feeling for yourself now. You too are addicted to the affair...but its very hard for the affair partners to distinguish between that addiction and their 'love' for their affair partner.

 

It takes 30-45 days to break a habit. Her affair with you is a habit...so she's going to need at least that 45 days to break that habit. It gives her time to sort out if what she's feeling for you is 'love'...or 'addiction'.

 

And here's the thing...ANY kind of contact from you or with you will reset that clock. Just like having a drink resets that recovery time for an alchoholic.

 

And here's an angle that you might consider too...

 

 

YOU need that same 45 days, for the same reasons. Even if SHE breaks NC...YOU need to keep it in place. To prove to yourself that the two of you have done all the RIGHT things that you needed to do. That she's given her marriage and her family every chance to recover and fix the damage...that she's made the RIGHT choice...whichever choice that is.

 

If, after 45 days she contacts you...THEN you can 'see where things stand'. Then you'll know that you've done all that you can to let her make all the right choices without being influenced by you or the affair.

 

Make sense?

 

Its about doing it for her, as you've talked about. Its also about doing it for YOU as well.

 

Yes, it makes sense Owl.. And she has said as much.. She said that even though I might not understand this NOW, I would.. That if she were to need to cry on my shoulders, that WE would be OK, because if she didn't do the "right thing" and she were to cry on my shoulders then, we would'nt want it be filled with "questions or guilt" of "did she do the right thing"

 

I won't argue either, I AM addicted to HER.. "I miss her toes"

[stampdaddy]

But she is making you a 'promise' that she really can't keep. She could very well easily decide that the efforts made between her and her H make a difference.

 

All I was saying is, use the NC time for you and not to focus on the "we". There is no "we" anymore. And yeah, she didn't say goodbye it's over, but I'm sure she HAS told her husband it IS competely over between you two. That should be assumed, I mean, if he knew that you were waiting for them to fail quietly and she has kept you sort of in the picture though NC is happening, he'd be pissed off and upset. She didn't want to end it with you because if it doesn't work out between them she does have you to fall back on and be with. I know you can't look at it that way...It isn't as malcious as it reads, but the bottomline is, she SHOULD have told you goodbye, with him so their marriage can have a real chance, so she can see him in a light without you in the background.

 

She had on many occasions told him that she told me that she couldnt see me anymore, and I am sure she meant for him to understand "goodbye", BUT that was 5 months ago.. Just 4 weeks ago, she had to do it all over again, and give me her/my cell phone back.. SO, for another 4 months that "goodbye" meant nothing. Just last Monday, he asked if she was still seeing me.. BUT, we are now in NC, it has to be this was, I WILL (I hope) get this figured out and I DO appreciate everybody's help!

[Owl]

Then stop thinking about her toes.

 

Get to a gym. Start running. Work a heavy bag. Resume an old hobby. Start a new one. Hang out with friends you've lost touch with since the affair started. Call your mom. Start doing some work project on your house.

 

You get the idea. Start re-focusing your energy. You're spending all of it on a situation that...right now at least...you can't do anything about.

 

There are ways to deal with this. This is one. The other is to rebuild your support system (see the comments about friends and family). You've become reliant on your relationship with her...I'll bet to the extent that you don't hardly have any relationships with anyone else. And I'm not talking romantic relationships...I'm talking friends and family. People you can hang with, you can talk with.

 

Start changing your life so that you're no longer revolving around her.

 

Right now, she has to make that same change too.

[stampdaddy]

Then stop thinking about her toes.

 

Get to a gym. Start running. Work a heavy bag. Resume an old hobby. Start a new one. Hang out with friends you've lost touch with since the affair started. Call your mom. Start doing some work project on your house.

 

You get the idea. Start re-focusing your energy. You're spending all of it on a situation that...right now at least...you can't do anything about.

 

There are ways to deal with this. This is one. The other is to rebuild your support system (see the comments about friends and family). You've become reliant on your relationship with her...I'll bet to the extent that you don't hardly have any relationships with anyone else. And I'm not talking romantic relationships...I'm talking friends and family. People you can hang with, you can talk with.

 

Start changing your life so that you're no longer revolving around her.

 

Right now, she has to make that same change too.

 

Again VERY well said, and VERY correct. I have given her my EVERYTHING.. I should have, I love her.. (i know, I know, I shouldnt have because she's married...)

The Holiday's will be hard, no doubt, but I will look at these as "hurdles" that I have to get over, alone.. I just finished coaching football, and baseball starts mid January, and golf in the spring... Yardwork, painting etc will keep me occupied, and also "pre-occupied" with what WE had started at MY house..