Getting past the past. Is this OK?

[getonwithlife]

Hey folks. Sure has been helpful reading the posts on LS. This is my abridged story. I am a medical resident who will be finishing my residency this year. Met a girl who has 3 years left in her residency. Fell for said girl. We dated for 5 months, and during that time, I was the chivalrous knight. I took care of things for her. Her residency is a very difficult one, leaving her very little time for little more than sleep. So I, well I took care of all the things that we tend to take for granted. I now believe I did too much. But what can I say, I am a hopeless romantic.

 

As the relationship progressed, I wasn't feeling that I was getting what I was giving. She had lived with me for a month (in between apartments) and after moving to her new apt. things felt different. Three and a half weeks ago we went out, came back to her place and she had obvious indifference about my staying with her, so we sat down and had "the talk." She said when she moved that she thought she would want to bring me with her, but now she wasn't sure... This hurt me and so I asked her why she had continued to allow me to do things for her if her feelings had changed (moving, caring for dogs, taking out to dinner, etc) Other things were said, but you get the idea. Well we decided to take some time off.

 

After 2 weeks of no contact, I was beginning to see the picture and decided to meet with her to say goodbye. We met, she acted completely normal said that she was no longer feeling any pressure and was happier alone. But, was really enjoying being with me that night. I told her I was hurting and it was best for me to say goodbye.

 

So now we have been NC for the past week and a half. Realizing that I am not completely at fault for the break up, I still had a big part in that I probably pushed too hard. I just want to acknowledge to her some understanding in what has happened. Not to re-establish contact, only to communicate understanding. Is sending this EM over the top:

 

-c-

 

Not necessary for you to reply, but as I work my way beyond this relationship, I believe I now understand why things turned out as they did. The “pressure” that went away when you moved to your new place, well it was me.

 

My “help” and desire to make your life easier was with the best of intentions. But I think that overall it must have had the opposite effect. Kinda like the annoying waiter who seems to work a little too hard for the tip, you know? He doesn’t even realize he is driving you crazy.

 

I’

m

sure I became predictable and boring. As time passed and the relationship began to feel unequally yolked, I simply lost control of my feelings. Said things I didn’t mean. Added to the “pressure.” Hind sight certainly is 20/20……….

 

I am not soley responsible for how things turned out, But I certainly did my share….. Anyway, life goes on. Lessons learned make us better people. ? Take care,

-c-

 

Any comments or advice is welcome.

Thanks folks

[sedgwick]

Don't send it! You'll regret it later. She's told you what she wants. Move on -- as hard as that is to do.

[getonwithlife]

Sometimes ideas seem better in the middle of the night.... Anyone else agree w sedgwick? Disagree? Thanks for input

[VenusInFurs]

Completely agree with sedgwick. Don't send it!

 

Write letters to her that you NEVER INTEND TO SEND, that way you can vent your feelings and frustrations, get everything off your chest so to speak, without running the risk of feeling humiliated by ex when she doesn't reply or messes with your mind with a confusing and/or hurtful response.

[getonwithlife]

Guess i thought doing so might enable her to see I understand (with the slight hope that several months down the road things might change for both of us) I know I must move on, but thought something of this nature would allow her to see me in a different light. Does NC say it all?

[VenusInFurs]

NC is the best option for you at the moment. The break-up still seems to be quite raw for you and NC allows you (and your ex) to breathe and make sense of things and put the relationship into perspective.

 

Further down the line when you're thinking more clearly about it you may regret sending that email, particularly because you put yourself down in it.

 

I say all this from experience. I've sent emails just like yours, and they did absolutely nothing to mend the relationship, in fact, they probably repelled my ex further, and I felt worse for sending them.

[getonwithlife]

Venus, thanks. Won't be making that contact.......Now comes the struggle of making it through Christmas and new years.

[RichC]

You are going to go through some pain during the holidays. Expect it. But you are not going to be seeing with the right "vision". Do not send it. If you have a problem post here. There are some good people here that will talk you out of any bad moves. I have gone through the same thing and since I am rather pig headed I stuck with NC. Best thing I ever did and got me out of this more quickly than if I done anything else. Yeah it hurts but that is part of love.

[norajane]

How you feel about this break up NOW, is not how you're going to feel 3 months from now. Three months from now, you'll be out of the disappointment and sadness and you'll realize she used you and wasn't honest with you about her feelings, and you'll be kicking yourself for sending her such a sad puppy letter.

 

Let it go, move on. She'll have more respect for you if she does not receive a letter like that one from you.

[getonwithlife]

Rich, Nora, thanks so much for the input. Clear minds prevail and I realize how ridiculous such a move would be. Thanks for keeping me straight.

[getonwithlife]

Well, from time to time I am able to get her off my mind and I can see that things were not as rosey as I make them out to be. But other times such as now i have the "what if" syndrome. Something said differently, or something not said, or a smile at the right time.....The worst is when they say "I wasnt sure how I felt, but now I believe I dont want this relationship. Leaves you wondering, What was the factor that made things clearer? What did I do? Truth is I was having second thoughts about the relationship, but now....I guess you always want what you can't have.....This really sucks :-(

[norajane]

What did I do?

 

Nope, you have to stop thinking like that. There was nothing you did or didn't do, should or shouldn't have done...it's not about you.

 

She wasn't feeling it - and looking back you also have your doubts - and that's because you two aren't right for each other.

 

[BrianG]

I am trying to understand why everyone on hear says not to send it. I screwed up with the love of my of life and I have been in NC for 37 days after a 5 year relationship. What do you have to lose? She is out of my life so what do i have to lose by sending a heartfelt letter trying to make amends and repent for my negative actions and behavior that led to the break up. We are not together and from reading other threads on here a women is most likely not going to come back. I dont expect any response but i feel that i have to do something because worse comes to worse she still doesnt talk to me. Just a thought because I am contemplating sending her an email.

[D-Lish]

I have written and sent good bye e-mails in the past and totally regretted it later. We say we don't want a response, but I think deep down we do hope for a response when we write something like that.

 

I was with someone for almost a year and I sent him an e-mail similar to yours after we broke up- and he never did respond.... and it hurt me that he didn't.

 

I don't think you should send it. Keep it and read it in a week and see if you feel the same way. The way it's worded, the e-mail sounds too much like you are feeling sorry for yourself- that's what I read into it.

(I did the same thing)... and I realize now my e-mail probably annoyed him even more. It was almost as if I was admitting to him I was pathetic... and I regretted sending it and do to this day.

 

By sending something like that you continue to give her power over you. You didn't do anything wrong- you loved her and looked after her.... why admit to her you must have been annoying? If anything, you should feel anger over being used and then let go.

 

I don't want to seem harsh- I just want to give you a female's perspective. I would read your e-mail and feel validated. She doesn't deserve to feel validated.

 

Just hold onto it. Writing it is cathartic... sending it won't be.

[getonwithlife]

Thanks D, The more a look at things and the longer this goes on, in addition to the hurt - There is the beginnings of anger. You are absolutely right with regards to vendication. I was not the bad egg in this relationship. I am guilty only of caring too much.

 

But this still hurts like hell......

[BrianG]

I screwed up badly so what harm would a letter do? It would me of a letterr to repent and make amends.

[getonwithlife]

What exactly was it that you did so wrong brian

[BrianG]

if you look at my previous post and I lied on more than one occassion. I am currently in counseling and cognitive behavioral therapy because i truy believe that I can change, I feel it already everyday. I lied because i was dealing with depression and posted something on a sex website with my picture (not nude or graphic or anything like that) because i was severly depressed about my looks and she was never good at complimenting me and i just wanted someone to say something good about the way I look. I know it was stupid and i know it looks bad but it was completely harmless and she found out about it and i lied to her (another stupid mistake) because I did not want to lose her.

 

I dont subscribe to the once a liar, always a liar mentality. I believe if you have a strong determination and desire you can change anything. I was physically abused by my father throughout my childhood and i would lie to stay out of trouble with my father and it stuck with me throughout life and only lie to stay out of trouble.

 

I would like to write to tell her all the hard work i have been doing really. We were together for 5 years and I just want to make amends and repent and tell her all the good things i have been doing. She means the world to me and i guess i feel guilty that this person who once loved me so much has a negative view of me and the relationship. I dont expect it to change anything just communicate how sorry I am and this is what i have been doing to correct it. In the hope that one day i could have the opportunity to earn her respect back because this beautiful women knows be better than anyone else on this planet. Plus i love her and her opinion matters so much to me.

[CalamitousJane]

To both Brian and geton,

 

I'm dealing with something similar, hoping to reconnect with someone who had a much deeper hold on my heart than I knew. I'll post my story soon. It's complicated and somewhat pathetic.

 

I've been reading and thinking a lot about love and commitment, and this is one of the things that seems really right to me:

 

If you really love your ex, the best thing you can do is thank her. Honestly, the posts here in the break-up area are some of the most beautiful, inspiring, loving words I've ever read. Whatever else these exes have done, they've broken your hearts open, made you look at yourself and your life and your habits in a whole new way. These losses have opened you and me up in a way that nothing else ever has.

 

The most beautiful thing you can do is thank your ex for everything you've had together, and above all for giving you this experience and this opportunity for feeling and learning so much. Tell him/her that you will always care deeply for them and that you are hoping/praying that BOTH of you find true, ongoing, wonderful love, in whichever way the Universe (or Whoever) finds best.

 

There is no way you can go wrong with that.

 

Then let go, don't call them, and keep crying whenever you need to.

 

Take good care, all of you.

[getonwithlife]

jane,

I agree with your thoughts. However in my situation, I have now decided not to initiate contact at all. I do work in the same hospital as my ex and God has saved me the pain of seeing her since the breakup. I have been worried about the inevitability of being confronted with her and what I would say if we spoke. A simple thank you for what "we had" makes sense. Thanks for your advice.

 

Brian, my situation is a little different than yours. Even if she pushed you unknowingly to post pictures, all she probably knows is that you posted pictures, no fault of hers. An apology (not on your knees, mind you) might be ok as long as it is not a ploy to win her back. Move on, friend. Deal with your pain and know you are not alone.

we are thinking of you....

[CalamitousJane]

Geton, NC is wonderful. I requested one month of NC, to break an addictive LD post-breakup "friendship". He called me on Saturday - day 27 of the requested NC, saying he had no idea how much not talking to me would hurt. Still, he says in his funny English that his heart is "half and half". He doesn't think he loves me enough to choose me as his life partner. I told him that I will always be his friend, but we can't talk for hours every day, because that won't work when I'm married to someone else. Maybe once a month or so. And I'm sticking to that, even though not talking to him breaks my heart.

 

NC is an amazing way to get perspective. I've been missing him like crazy, and at the same time working toward a place where I could imagine wishing him the best if he tells me he has a new girlfriend. I'm kinda almost there, although I imagine I'll have to work through another round of strong emotions at that point.

 

Maybe the time to send a thank-you is around the same time you think you could handle hearing about her new boyfriend in response.

[BrianG]

yeah, she did not push me to post the pictures. I accept full responsibility for my actions. She is such a beautiful person and I screwed up and even though i still have a lot of guilt about it, i take comfort in that i am taking actions to correct them. It would simply be a thank you/ and a heartfelt im sorry letter because I genuinely am truly sorry and wish i would have never done that. Ive been NC for over a month now and I have had a lot of time to self-reflect and it seems in my heart, mind and soul the right thing to do. I know ploys to win them back never work because in order for anything to work she would have to want to work things out and no words I can say will change that. The ball is in her court and I doubt we will ever reconcile. I wanted to marry this girl and still just sad and depressed about it. She sent me an email today regarding the apartment that we got together that she left. i will just send it along with the questions she asked about the apartment and continue nc and move on with my life. I would love the possibility for her to see me in a different light and that takes time and actions, not words. Maybe I will be lucky and if its meant to be its meant to be. This is going to be one big scar on my heart though

[femmdevil]

This is my take:

 

To send or not to send? It depends on if you think a rejection/non-reply from her would be helpful to your process or not. Sometimes when you feel guilt, it helps when you can create a situation that helps bring out the insensitive villian in the other person.

 

In the past, when I have sent goodbyes or last words, I didn't regret it. If I got a response, great. I expected to get no response, and sometimes it hurts, BUT it helped me get closure. How?

Because the fact that there was no reply accelerated my anger and resentment, as well reinforced the finality of things.

I mean, as long as you kept your distance initially, why wouldn't they have the courtesy to wish you well in return?

 

Why should I care what they think about my vulnerability if it's never going to work out anyhow?

I felt courageous to risk it.

There was no loss of dignity because I KNEW it would accelerate the acceptance of things and the healing. I proved to myself that I could sufficiently stay away and begin to move on to a better place, so I didn't need to prove anything else.

 

I just think that people often want to make finalizing contact because they're ready for the next step in seeing the truth of the situation, and bringing about the emotions associated. It is just a quicker option when unconsiously wanting to shatter the denial. Denial likes to hang on.