shadowplay Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 I have something similar to guys who like sexual conquest and the chase, but for me it's more of an "emotional conquest." The aspect of relationships that I find most satisfying is teasing out a guy's vulnerability, especially when it is well concealed. For me there is nothing more amazing than peeling off a guy's layers of protection until his heart is fully exposed. I wonder if other women feel this way, or this is my own peculiar quirk. I also wonder if it is wrong for me to derive so much pleasure in seeing another person vulnerable. Some guys are easier to "crack" than others but I find they all crack eventually. There always comes that moment when you know they have surrendered themselves to you completely. Suddenly they are reduced to children, and I feel a rush of maternal love, mixed in with romantic love, in a creepy kind of Oedipal way. Do any other women feel this way toward men?
SidCaesar Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Half the guys that you "exposed" were probably throwing you for a loop.
Author shadowplay Posted December 10, 2007 Author Posted December 10, 2007 Half the guys that you "exposed" were probably throwing you for a loop. I'm not sure what you mean.... These were guys I dated for a long period of time, so it's not just that they were trying to "bed" me. I also have a good BS detector. But rereading my first post, I can see how it sounds a bit creepy, which wasn't my intention. I guess it just makes me feel really loved when somebody trusts me enough to make themselves completely vulnerable around them. That's such an amazing gift.
SidCaesar Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 What I mean is, some men, you'll never really know them, no matter how long you've been together, or even if you think you've got them completely figured out. Some men are just really, really good at keeping their armour on yet making you think like you've got them all figured out.
Author shadowplay Posted December 10, 2007 Author Posted December 10, 2007 What I mean is, some men, you'll never really know them, no matter how long you've been together, or even if you think you've got them completely figured out. Some men are just really, really good at keeping their armour on yet making you think like you've got them all figured out. You have a point, but I think there are different ways of knowing somebody. Like a guy may never fess up his deepest, darkest secrets, which are trivial in a sense. I'm talking about something slightly different.
D-Lish Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 I don't think it's abnormal to feel excited by that kind of challenge. It might be considered cruel if it was a game- and it was about exposing them and crushing them... But I know that isn't what you mean when you say you get a rush out of doing this. Every woman feels that way on different levels.... Otherwise "Players" wouldn't get any playin' time on the field of love and we would stay clear of the "bad boys". I think women derive a little bit of power out of revealing men.... Smart women can do it... vulnerable women end up getting hurt by them. When I meet a man and he seems like he might be a challenge... I want to engage him. I see that as a fault in me sometimes. I'd only say you have a problem if you want to engage them, break them down and leave them messy. It doesn't seem you want to do that.
Cobra_X30 Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 You have a point, but I think there are different ways of knowing somebody. Like a guy may never fess up his deepest, darkest secrets, which are trivial in a sense. I'm talking about something slightly different. Shadow, Sid has a point. I doubt that this is something you have encountered however. Ive been known to fake vulnerability. Actually I can fake lots of emotions. More often though I'm more interested in stimulating a particular response. See I'd characterize your desire to uncover vulnerability in two ways. Its a desire for emotional intimacy, combined with some control and power aspects. The feeling that you know where he can be hurt gives you a feeling of power... despite the fact that you may never intend to hurt him. Anyway... I hope that clears it up a little. Oh, and what event prompted this thread?
Author shadowplay Posted December 10, 2007 Author Posted December 10, 2007 Shadow, Sid has a point. I doubt that this is something you have encountered however. Ive been known to fake vulnerability. Actually I can fake lots of emotions. More often though I'm more interested in stimulating a particular response. Why do you fake it?
Author shadowplay Posted December 10, 2007 Author Posted December 10, 2007 See I'd characterize your desire to uncover vulnerability in two ways. Its a desire for emotional intimacy, combined with some control and power aspects. The feeling that you know where he can be hurt gives you a feeling of power... despite the fact that you may never intend to hurt him. Yes, that's probably true, but I would never intentionally hurt a guy unless he did something really terrible to me. If anything seeing a guy vulnerable makes me want to protect and nurture him more. I'm not sure why I feel so guilty about taking pleasure in this.
Leoni Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 shadow, are you certain you want to peel the onion or is it just a way to get to know someone better? A fully vulnerable man is one who can and will turn on you in a heartbeat, due to his feelings of vulnerability, hence insecurity. Better to leave the man to the point where he's comfortable being and as you get to know him over the years, if he's someone compatible, he will slowly show himself, a bit at a time.
Cobra_X30 Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Why do you fake it? Depends on what the situation is. Lets take vulnerability for example. I would more than likely do this to avoid providing information on something I am truely vulnerable on, and to generate a feeling of closeness. Hmmm... That's really more than I should be saying here. It's not good to run games in any relationship you plan to get serious with. Yes, that's probably true, but I would never intentionally hurt a guy unless he did something really terrible to me. If anything seeing a guy vulnerable makes me want to protect and nurture him more. I'm not sure why I feel so guilty about taking pleasure in this. Well, I dont think you should feel guilty. Now... you need to really define terrible, because if you really have a weakspot of his... you really shouldnt use that ever. Do you also get those emotions from trying to fix his vulnerability?
Kamille Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Na-ha, not me - I like strong men and I'm more the kind to want to build them up.
BlueEyedGirl Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 I'm a female, but I never "expose" myself to anyone. There are quite a few people that think they have exposed me becaue that's what I want them to think. In reality I have only revealed 10% of my personality. I also reveal different aspects of my personality to different people. They all think I'm too open if anyhting. If they only knew....
lindya Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Half the guys that you "exposed" were probably throwing you for a loop. I have to say that that was also my first reaction to the post. To be fair, I think men are driven to reveal their vulnerability to women they trust, because it's therapeutic and stress-relieving to do that. Both parties are getting something out of that process if it's genuine - but like you, I suspect that expressing fake vulnerability is sometimes part of a game plan that recognises and capitalises on the "I'll make him secure/happy" instinct. I think it's rare, though, for people to really be 100% fake/embroiled in a set game plan. Women have similar methods that are perhaps part genuine, part instinctive, part manipulative. Think of the "damsel in distress" stunt that so many men are drawn towards. Sometimes the woman really is in trouble/needy - other times it's a device that stems from either laziness (why do it yourself when a man can do it for you) or a need for attention/nurturing. Or it can be a way of boosting a guy to make him feel like a hero. Rather than either being completely genuine or completely faked, these responses are maybe just automatic "this is what you do with the opposite sex" reflexes that there isn't much thought behind....but that can seem incredibly devious when you start to analyse them in depth. To Shadowplay - no, I don't think your desire to see some vulnerability in a partner is abnormal...provided it isn't about winning trust so that you can get a thrill out of subsequently betraying it (eg as with compulsive con artists and psychopaths).
Author shadowplay Posted December 10, 2007 Author Posted December 10, 2007 Na-ha, not me - I like strong men and I'm more the kind to want to build them up. For me a healthy mixture of strength and vulnerability in a man is most compelling. Neither extreme is very endearing. Winning the heart of a guy who wears his heart on his sleeve doesn't leave you feeling special. There's no excitment in getting to know somebody who's totally an open book. On the flipside it's hard to feel compassion a guy who is strong through and through without a trace of vulnerability or innocence. How can you love somebody who doesn't need you on any level? Both strength and vulnerability are desirable traits in moderation. My favorite kind of guy is the type who is slightly standoffish on the surface but has a vulnerable side that he gradually gives you glimpses of without ever losing his dignity. I treasure those moments when I finally break through and connect with him on a deeper level. Then it's nice to see him switch back into typical guy mode. It makes you appreciate his sweeter moments even more. The best kind of relationship imo is one where you both take care of each other. He is strong for you when you are vulnerable, and you are strong for him when he is vulnerable.
Author shadowplay Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 I have to say that that was also my first reaction to the post. To be fair, I think men are driven to reveal their vulnerability to women they trust, because it's therapeutic and stress-relieving to do that. Both parties are getting something out of that process if it's genuine - but like you, I suspect that expressing fake vulnerability is sometimes part of a game plan that recognises and capitalises on the "I'll make him secure/happy" instinct. I think it's rare, though, for people to really be 100% fake/embroiled in a set game plan. Women have similar methods that are perhaps part genuine, part instinctive, part manipulative. Think of the "damsel in distress" stunt that so many men are drawn towards. Sometimes the woman really is in trouble/needy - other times it's a device that stems from either laziness (why do it yourself when a man can do it for you) or a need for attention/nurturing. Or it can be a way of boosting a guy to make him feel like a hero. Rather than either being completely genuine or completely faked, these responses are maybe just automatic "this is what you do with the opposite sex" reflexes that there isn't much thought behind....but that can seem incredibly devious when you start to analyse them in depth. To Shadowplay - no, I don't think your desire to see some vulnerability in a partner is abnormal...provided it isn't about winning trust so that you can get a thrill out of subsequently betraying it (eg as with compulsive con artists and psychopaths). I've never intentionally played the damsel in distress to get a guy's attention. If anything I do the opposite; I feign confidence when I'm feeling vulnerable. I'm good at picking up fakery/manipulation in other people. I can tell the difference between genuine vulnerability and fake vulnerability. I dated a guy briefly a few years ago who cried in front of me, but I didn't buy it. I felt that he was just manipulating me so I would have sex with him. It turned out later on (based on what he told me) that I was right. There are manipulative people out there who will play these games, but I don't date them or I break things off once I wise up to their tricks.
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