"Let's take it a day at a time..."

[Star Gazer]

I know that a man in his position has opportunities in your city and that there must be more than one opportunity there that will make him truly happy.

 

Our lives rarely go exactly as we planned and in my opinion meeting someone you've fallen in love with and want a future with is more than reason enough to change the course of your life. It's not like he is unable to build a happy, successful future HERE, he just prefers not to.

 

It may be an overly romanticized idea but I feel like if he LOVES you, the way you love him leaving would be out of question. Further I feel like if you were in his situation you would stay and pursue a career locally. If he's as in love and as committed as you are he would build a career here. You two live in a city full of opportunities.

 

You know where I live, and unfortunately, it's really not THAT big of a city. Unfortunately, given what he does and what he wants to do, there are actually very few opportunities here, even where YOU are in your huge city. I don't want to go any further because the specifics could potentially disclose private information, so I'll tell you in private.

 

I'm an attorney. I can practice law anywhere. So yes, if I were in his shoes I wouldn't leave. But given what he does for a living and where he can do it, it's not as easy...not by a long shot.

[allina]

You know where I live, and unfortunately, it's really not THAT big of a city. Unfortunately, given what he does and what he wants to do, there are actually very few opportunities here, even where YOU are in your huge city. I don't want to go any further because the specifics could potentially disclose private information, so I'll tell you in private.

 

I'm an attorney. I can practice law anywhere. So yes, if I were in his shoes I wouldn't leave. But given what he does for a living and where he can do it, it's not as easy...not by a long shot.

 

You're right, I only have an idea of what he does. I guess I'd feel better if he felt like he can find another job but not another Star Gazer, romanticized idea, I know.

[Star Gazer]

I guess I'd feel better if he felt like he can find another job but not another Star Gazer, romanticized idea, I know.

 

I'd feel better too if that were the case. Right now, at this stage in our relationship, I think he's thinking, "How do I know StarGazer will stay the same StarGazer? I know I will always love what I do, but I'm not so sure about the 'always' of this relationship."

[Jilly Bean]

SG, you have only been dating a few months, he has not said he loves you, and yet why all the drama? Seems like you are quite a bit ahead of him here. Particularly since he told you he would not want to date you once he moves. Like some of the others have said, seems like you are grasping here, and being incredibly needy. Might be worth exploring why you are spending so much time and energy on something that seems like he has already told you he is leaving, and leaving without you. Probably a better use of time to go find a new boyfriend. And one who will be able to love you, since this one isn't...

[Star Gazer]

SG, you have only been dating a few months, he has not said he loves you, and yet why all the drama? Seems like you are quite a bit ahead of him here. Particularly since he told you he would not want to date you once he moves. Like some of the others have said, seems like you are grasping here, and being incredibly needy. Might be worth exploring why you are spending so much time and energy on something that seems like he has already told you he is leaving, and leaving without you. Probably a better use of time to go find a new boyfriend. And one who will be able to love you, since this one isn't...

 

Is that you, NYCHottie?

 

No drama here, I just care about him a great deal. He hasn't told me anything other than that he doesn't know what's going to happen, and that's the truth.

 

And for the bazillionth time, he said that BEFORE he knew that I'd be amenable to moving. Once I said that, he completely changed his tune.

[Kamille]

I just wish there was a way to help you off that ledge Star. Part of the reason I was asking about the elements structuring his job decisions was because sometimes it might sound like an issue of him choosing between you and a job, where usually, job hunting, especially for qualified professionals, is really not that easy.

 

And yes there is a lot of uncertainty around it.

 

But what answer could he give you now? There is nothing he can say until he has a better idea of what will even be possible for him. This isn't his decision alone, - it's also a matter of qualifying and being offered a job.

 

I wish there was a way that you could let this open scar rest for awhile. I'm starting to feel like you might be picking and picking at it when really, there isn't much more he can do that he isn't already doing.

 

You said it yourself, he can't give you the answer that you want. Not right now. And I think that might be part of what he meant by "Let's take it a day at a time". He can't offer more but he would love nothing more then for you to be the great wonderful strong you, that he would love the two of you to be carefree enough to fall in love, in spite of future uncertainties.

[D-Lish]

I can tell you something about LDR's...

They are very, very difficult.

 

I was married to a man and he lived in Ohio and I lived in Canada for four years.... The majority of our 10 year relationship was spent living apart- often not seeing one another for 2 months at a time.

 

I owned a business here, and he great job in the States.

As much as we wanted to- neither of us could compromise our careers.

As much as we wanted to make it work, the distance eventually disintegrated the relationship.

 

I think he is probably only thinking rationally- that he can't ignore such a great opportunity, yet taking this job overseas would make it next to impossible to continue in the relationship. It's obvious he is sad and conflicted about that.... yet after three months, him asking you to give up your career and move isn't a logical decision.

 

I think he is sincere about his feelings for you, but he has to take this job...

[sb129]

I don't think she sounds like FUN (though her response was WAY nasty!), but she is sounding more and more like Genki. If you don't agree with her, then she'll rip you to shreds.

 

Stargazer actually DOES listen to constructive criticism, I can assure you of that. I wouldn't be that happy to be compared to Fun either (with all due respect Fun if you are reading, you are a sweetie but you know what I think of your current R choices!)

 

Particularly since he told you he would not want to date you once he moves. ..

 

He didn't actually say that.

 

 

I think he is probably only thinking rationally- that he can't ignore such a great opportunity, yet taking this job overseas would make it next to impossible to continue in the relationship. It's obvious he is sad and conflicted about that.... yet after three months, him asking you to give up your career and move isn't a logical decision.

 

I think he is sincere about his feelings for you, but he has to take this job...

 

 

I think this is true. I think if he wasn't sincere in his feelings for you, you would have seen the back of him the last time you had a fight. It would have been the perfect opportunity for him to get out of something he was planning to leave behind anyway.

 

I also think (and you already know this SG) that as someone who has had ALL his major career- related decisions made FOR him, he is struggling with the fact that he has to now make them for himself, and being faced with so many choices in so many areas is daunting to him. I think he is terrified that he will make the wrong choice career wise, or that he will accept something only for something "better" to come along.

 

He isn't using the decision making process as a learning experience, rather the be-all and end-all decision of his career, which is understandable.

[Phateless]

Is that you, NYCHottie?

 

No drama here, I just care about him a great deal. He hasn't told me anything other than that he doesn't know what's going to happen, and that's the truth.

 

And for the bazillionth time, he said that BEFORE he knew that I'd be amenable to moving. Once I said that, he completely changed his tune.

 

I read the beginning and the end. I skipped the middle.

 

why did you backpedal??? It sounds to me like he wants you to want to follow him. Just tell him outright you'll follow him if he wants you there and see what happens? I think things are better than you think.

[Star Gazer]

why did you backpedal??? It sounds to me like he wants you to want to follow him. Just tell him outright you'll follow him if he wants you there and see what happens? I think things are better than you think.

 

I backpeddled because I was afraid that having previously hinted that I could move to where he was, that he thought I was crazy/assuming too much/too invested, etc. for being such a new relationship. I wanted to lighten things up a bit, I guess....does that make sense? It was a split second reaction to the very beginning of his sentence because his tone seemed tentative...all, "Reeeeemeeemmmbbbeerrr when yoooouuu mentioned maaaaybe mooooving to where I end upppp??" It made me nervous, so I backpeddled and was like, "Woah woah, I didn't necessarily say THAT, I just said that me not staying here is possibly negotiable." He seemed upset at my backpeddling, and seemed to think that me potentially moving was off the table. THAT is when he said (very sorrowfully), "Star, I can't do a LDR. I need to be in the same place as who I'm with. I can't have you here, and me there. I can't do it. I'd need you to be near me."

 

After a while, when I explained that if the right opportunity presented itself to both him and me that I would seriously consider moving to where he was, he completely changed. Completely, all about, "Okay then, let's continue moving forward, I want to be with you, let's not let anything change, but because of the job uncertainty, take it one day at a time."

 

The next morning, I told him I was confused... "I don't want a LDR" doesn't square with "Let's continue moving forward." He got frustrated with me and told me he was tired the night before (we started the convo at 1 a.m. after a long day of skiing, night of bowling, and dinner), didn't know what he was saying when we started the conversation, and that he meant the latter part about things staying the same and moving forward while taking things one day at a time, and not the part about adamantly not wanting a LDR.

 

He's since spoken with someone about a job offer here that would become available in the next six months, exactly what he wants to do. But even the guy at that job told my BF, "We'll have to see, take it one day at a time, there's no guarantees in this business."

[Lauriebell82]

"Star, I can't do a LDR. I need to be in the same place as who I'm with. I can't have you here, and me there. I can't do it. I'd need you to be near me."

 

After a while, when I explained that if the right opportunity presented itself to both him and me that I would seriously consider moving to where he was, he completely changed. Completely, all about, "Okay then, let's continue moving forward, I want to be with you, let's not let anything change, but because of the job uncertainty, take it one day at a time."

 

This is your answer right here. Like I told you before he is unsure, but the reason that he said that he wants to continue moving forward is because you gave him the possibility of moving. It's clear he'd rather not do a LDR (can't blame him, they SUCK), but since this job uncertaintly he can't give you a definate answer about your relationship. I know that's hard and confusing. I can see where the thing he said about that he wants to move forward, but take it one day a time. Those are two different things, so I can see where you would be confused about that. I think he just meant that he does want to continue your relationship, but because of his job he's not sure where he is going to end up, and he feels bad putting you "on hold."

 

Your just going to have to be patient and wait to hear about his job and then go from there. There isn't much else you can do about it.

[Florida]

Star, we can all sit here and guess the outcome but I see it like this:

 

We can all specualate what this or that means, and forsee doom but what is the point?

 

Love can be hurtful, love can be a wild adventure, I think you should ride it out because his feelings will increase for you exponentially as the months pass until he has to make his decision-and you have to give eachother that chance.

 

What would be the point to pre emptively withdraw from him? What will doing that now save you vs. later-worst case scenario.

 

When I first met my BF he did not want to have kids, and there was a possibility of him relocating in the near future. Probably anyone would have told me why are you taking a chance with someone who told you this upfront?

 

but now he has done a total turnaround and will try to keep a job here and even wants a family only because we spent time together and he changed his mind over time.

 

I took a chance, we all take chances, he may surprise you, he may not, but at least you'll know you tried.

 

I don't see the point of protecting your heart at this point, you need to see it through.

 

I think a lot depends on his time with you between now to then- and it could work out.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

OP, it seems like you don't want to face the reality of the situation. You are so quick to thank all the people who say nice things about your relationship, but even more quick to vehemently combat anything negative that's said. Why do you bother posting on a public form if you can't handle those opinions with which you don't agree? Yes, it's nice that people are trying to make you feel better, I don't think it's completely realiaistc. To reiterate SC's post:

 

1. He went away for a few days and needed space from you? After only a few months of dating? If he needs space this early, how much more will he need in six months? A year?

2. He wants to move away for work, and doesn't want an LDR, and would understand if you ended it?

3. He says to take things "one day at a time"--meaning, he's not thinking about a future--perhaps not a future with you?

 

Everything you've written just makes you seem really needy, and wanting validation more than anything (I am reminded specifically of "I'm in love and can't handle it thread"--even though he's never said he loves you back?). You've been together for such a short time; your plans and expectations seem just a little unrealistic.

[sb129]

I think she would face the reality of the situation if she knew what is was going to be. The problem is, nobody knows what that reality is yet, because her BFs career situation is in limbo.

[Star Gazer]

I think she would face the reality of the situation if she knew what is was going to be. The problem is, nobody knows what that reality is yet, because her BFs career situation is in limbo.

 

Exactly right, SB.

[Star Gazer]

He wants to move away for work,

 

Another person not reading.

 

He does not WANT to move. He's got family here, he loves it here, says this place is the first place he's ever lived that felt like "home" to him. He's fearful that he might HAVE to move, and he's preparing himself for that possibility. Very, very different.

[Lauriebell82]

Another person not reading.

 

He does not WANT to move. He's got family here, he loves it here, says this place is the first place he's ever lived that felt like "home" to him. He's fearful that he might HAVE to move, and he's preparing himself for that possibility. Very, very different.

 

Maybe you explained this earlier, but does he really HAVE to move? Like can he turn down the job and say he wants to stay? Sorry if someone and/you explained this earlier in the thread.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

I think she would face the reality of the situation if she knew what is was going to be. The problem is, nobody knows what that reality is yet, because her BFs career situation is in limbo.

 

i don't think that what's the other poster meant by not facing reality. i believe meant the reality that it can go either way, and why.

 

she was talking about how star is quick to agree and applaud everyone who says "yay for you, this will work out" while defending any post that says 'well, back up a few steps and watch out for yourself because of this and this."

 

anyone who has said anything that star gazer has taken as "negative" was using information given in her own posts. then what she said is negated and the poster looks like a naysayer. i think that was the point. it's clearly obvious that no one knows the reality yet, as has been reiterated many, many, many, many, many times.

 

a lot of the conversations seem to go like this:

 

star (time elapsed): i love him, but he hasn't said he loves me, we've only been dating several weeks, i don't know what's going to happen, he needs space at weird times, he will move for his job and doesn't want an LDR, i said i might move and he changed his tune--sometimes this tune is 'yay' and sometimes non-committal, he understands if i want to end it, he has no problem with making me mutually exclusive from other part of his life, i find myself making sure i say the right things at the right times not to upset him, various problems with unrequited strong feelings, etc.

 

another poster: well star, given what you've said here, it does look like maybe you should start thinking about life without him, or at the very least you need to start considering your own feelings. sure things may work out, but they way he talks doesn't sound like he is ready to jump into anything serious, and it might be wise to consider these things before having your heart broken.

 

star: what?! do you even read? i never said anything like that. he was man-crying when he said it too, so i know it was true. *continues to contradict all her own statements about questioning his feelings*

 

another poster: star, don't listen to them, my crystal ball says everything is great!

star: you're right, i don't know why i worry, everything is perfect.

 

i mean, no offense, but it's tiring to keep up with, and then be accused of being an illiterate idiot who doesn't know anything. why go on a forum asking everyone if you should pick red or blue, give all the cons about red, and then defend it to everyone who chooses blue in your best interest?

 

that's not reality, that's hope. and there's nothing wrong with hope at all, but the two should not be confused for each other.

 

i like you star gazer, always have, and you've thanked me and appreciated my thoughts and advice. but your tone to me clearly changed when i didn't see this as all hunky dory, and i didn't even say anything in an insulting way, which indicates your sensitivity to hearing things you don't want to hear, but that might be true ayway.

[Lishy]

Reading this thread reminds me why I dont post my problems here anymore - It makes my head spin! Such differing advice cannot be a good thing. I know from my past experience that it made my problem even more complicated.

 

Are forums such a good idea?

 

So many people are so willing to shout "LEAVE HIM, WALK AWAY"

 

The truth is Star the we only know what you tell us and in all honesty you do change the tone when it so suits.

 

YOU know how he feels about you babe, cos you FEEL it! In your heart you have your answer, dont be scared just believe in yourself and you wont go wrong!

 

No one here has a crystal ball so no one knows what the hell will happen. From everything you have said only one thing is clear, you have serious insecurity issues! I am not judging you as I do too so I know how you feel.

 

To consider, let alone discuss, moving your home to suit a guy you have known 2 months and are still in the honeymoon phrase with is not, in my opinion, wise at all! I think you are looking for a man to make you happy and no man can, you have to make yourself happy!

 

I do wish you well and would love to see you meet that knight in shining armour that you so wish to meet. I also hope that this is the guy for you!

 

Chill out babe and keep him to his word, take it day by day!

[melodymatters]

I totally agree with what Lishy just said.

 

...And it's a shame.

 

If I were you Star, I would take all of the advice with a grain of salt, while giving slightly greater weight to those who have KNOWN you on here for a while, and whose advice you have found helpful in the past.

 

So, just take a deep breath and listen to your own gut, and use LS as a place to MOSTLY vent, and SOMETIMES get some useful advice.

 

One Nora jane ( or Kamille or DDL) is worth a hundred xyz's !

 

(only caveat : If you keep hearing one certain thing over and over, it's worth looking at obviously)

 

otherwise, please keep posting !

[BlueEyedGirl]

This relationship was doomed from when he said "I need space from you today". I would give odds of this all working out as similar to winning the lottery.

[Star Gazer]

I fall somewhere between the negative and positive camps in this thread. I don't think anything's certain at this point. I could honestly see your relationship going either way. I agree with others that it's defeatist for you to focus on the negative right now. At the same time, you have to prepare yourself somewhat for the possibility of a negative outcome. It's a hard mental balance to sustain, and perhaps that is why you're so anxious. I still think the best thing you can do is take your mind off the relationship, and continue to act the way you've been acting toward him all along. Don't try to change your behavior or overcompensate to get a desired result.

 

I'm confused at how everyone thinks I'm focusing on the positive and deluding myself here. What Shadow wrote is exactly how I feel, and I thought I had made that obvious by saying, "Well there's this, but then there's this...". Just like my BF does, I flip-flop from positive to negative all the time, from moment to moment. The balance is difficult, and makes me nervous and anxious.

 

Unfortunately, all I can really do is just keep things going the way they are and wait. It sucks, but if I want to be with him, that's all I can do...take it day by day until we know what's what. Perhaps I should prepare myself for the worst, but I'm not sure I can do that right now.

[Touche]

Uhm, hello? I have no crystal ball. I only have wisdom borne from experience. I'm good at reading between the lines and coming up with a probable scenario. Can you say the same?

 

Again, Star forget the naysayers. They really don't know what they're talking about.

 

You have absolutely nothing at all to lose in "going with the flow" and a lot to lose (from the sounld of it) by walking away.

 

All relationships are risky. Yes, some more than others. I see no more risk here than most.

 

Stay the course.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Again, Star forget the naysayers. They really don't know what they're talking about.

Yes, forget every opinion but those which agree wholeheartedly with yours! That's the point of a public forum, isn't it? Go forth blindly and deludedly into your two-month relationship, ignoring all of the aforementioned negative signs, and when he breaks up with you for good, please don't post another thread crying over it and asking for more people to agree with you.

[Touche]

Yes, forget every opinion but those which agree wholeheartedly with yours! That's the point of a public forum, isn't it? Go forth blindly and deludedly into your two-month relationship, ignoring all of the aforementioned negative signs, and when he breaks up with you for good, please don't post another thread crying over it and asking for more people to agree with you.

 

No, she can post whenever and for what ever reason she needs to. Obviously you're not quite clear on what LS is all about.

 

As for the "two-month" relationship, well my H and I were engaged after only two months of dating, dear. We are together 13 years now. So really you need to get rid of your pre-conceived little notions on that.

 

What makes you so sure that he's going to break up with her? What makes you think that the negative signs, as you put it, outweigh the positive ones? Wow. Unbelievable.

 

So what was YOUR longest relationship..just curious. Sounds like you have lots of experience.