"Let's take it a day at a time..."

[Star Gazer]

Star,

 

Listen to your gut feeling. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

 

Marlena

 

My gut tells me he doesn't know...about anything. I wish he knew. But he doesn't.

[Lauriebell82]

My gut tells me he doesn't know...about anything. I wish he knew. But he doesn't.

 

And that's the suckiest part..the fact that he is unsure makes you unsure. I've been there. I know it's hard to be patient while someone you love makes a decision about your future, but it's what you are going to have to do. He obviously knows you want to be with him, hopefully he will fit your relationship into his plans.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

KA - I guess it's just very difficult to take the negative spin from you because of the way it's presented, i.e., "This is what's happening here, and it ain't good," rather than asking me questions that might cause me to question things in a way that might lead to the same conclusion you're trying to get at, as SC and others have done...if that makes sense.

 

sorry. i guess i didn't feel the need to ask questions because what i would have asked was already answered or addressed in your previous posts. i'm sorry you didn't like my approach. i didn't mean to hurt your feelings/upset you/make you angry. but if you saw it as me saying "this is what's happening, and it's ain't good" then you saw it the wrong way. i tried to make it clear that i don't know anything other than what you say here, and how i can apply how i see it based on, well, how i see it. sorry.

[Sun_Conure]

SG, are you sure he is the one? If yes, then why? Do you think that in a long run you two would be compatible? Does he satisfy all your needs (those that you think are necessary of course)?

 

Could it be that you are caught up in loving feelings and forgot to consider if he is good for you? I mean in a long long run ... Sometimes we do that. We concentrate on what we feel for a guy, how he makes us feel and do not consider if he is actually the best choice. Disclaimer, I am not saying that he is not good for you (I have no idea ). All I am saying that maybe it's time for you to stop worrying about what he thinks and start thinking about what you want. This might provide some detachment from the situation at hand and give some perspective for you. WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT IN A GUY AND IS HE CLOSE TO THAT IDEAL?

 

If I were you, I would think, look at his actions/words, focus on what I am looking for in a guy, compare, ect. Sounds good?

[Sun_Conure]

SG, are you sure he is the one? If yes, then why? Do you think that in a long run you two would be compatible? Does he satisfy all your needs (those that you think are necessary of course)?

 

Could it be that you are caught up in loving feelings and forgot to consider if he is good for you? I mean in a long long run ... Sometimes we do that. We concentrate on what we feel for a guy, how he makes us feel and do not consider if he is actually the best choice. Disclaimer, I am not saying that he is not good for you (I have no idea ). All I am saying that maybe it's time for you to stop worrying about what he thinks and start thinking about what you want. This might provide some detachment from the situation at hand and give some perspective for you. WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT IN A GUY AND IS HE CLOSE TO THAT IDEAL? DOES HE ADD ENOUGH VALUE TO YOUR LIFE (besides making you feel good)?

 

If I were you, I would think, look at his actions/words, focus on what I am looking for in a guy, compare, ect. Sounds good?

[Star Gazer]

And that's the suckiest part..the fact that he is unsure makes you unsure. I've been there. I know it's hard to be patient while someone you love makes a decision about your future, but it's what you are going to have to do. He obviously knows you want to be with him, hopefully he will fit your relationship into his plans.

 

Yup, you're so right. I am a need-to-know person. Hands down. You're absolutely right that his uncertainty makes me less certain about our future, it also causes me to doubt my own feelings on occasion...it comes in waves.

 

I'm just as torn as he is. One second I think, "Well duh, he'd be crazy to give up chasing his dreams for me, someone that although he might be crazy about, he's only known three months." Two minutes later I think, "How can I be so sure that I want to be with someone who's not so sure he's willing to give everything up for me?" and then I feel ridiculous, because I would NEVER want him to give up doing what he loves for me or our relationship. He'd be miserable, which would make me miserable.

 

I'm looking for answers where there are none. I'm just hoping that what's offered to him, and what he accepts, is something that will make us BOTH happy. But all I can do is be patient and wait...just like any other relationship, really.

[shadowplay]

I fall somewhere between the negative and positive camps in this thread. I don't think anything's certain at this point. I could honestly see your relationship going either way. I agree with others that it's defeatist for you to focus on the negative right now. At the same time, you have to prepare yourself somewhat for the possibiliy of a negative outcome. It's a hard mental balance to sustain, and perhaps that is why you're so anxious. I still think the best thing you can do is take your mind off the relationship, and continue to act the way you've been acting toward him all along. Don't try to change your behavior or overcompensate to get a desired result.

 

One thing, though. You mentioned earlier on the thread that he spends almost all of his free time with you. I'm wondering if this might be putting too much pressure on the relationship. Maybe you could both take one night a week for yourselves, so you both feel that you have adequate personal space.

 

Hope things work out for you.

[dropdeadlegs]

I fall somewhere between the negative and positive camps in this thread. I don't think anything's certain at this point. I could honestly see your relationship going either way. I agree with others that it's defeatist for you to focus on the negative right now. At the same time, you have to prepare yourself somewhat for the possibiliy of a negative outcome. It's a hard mental balance to sustain, and perhaps that is why you're so anxious. I still think the best thing you can do is take your mind off the relationship, and continue to act the way you've been acting toward him all along. Don't try to change your behavior or overcompensate to get a desired result.

 

One thing, though. You mentioned earlier on the thread that he spends almost all of his free time with you. I'm wondering if this might be putting too much pressure on the relationship. Maybe you could both take one night a week for yourselves, so you both feel that you have adequate personal space.

 

Hope things work out for you.

I agree with shadowplay.

 

Star, I'm so much like you in the beginning of a relationship. I often analyze every word and action. I have been guilty of ignoring red flags and justifying things to my friends who were concerned. I also am with a man who is not as easy to pinpoint in some aspects. He is more emotionally open and sensitive than the norm, and that honestly scared the crap out of me at times. I was used to reassurances from men that meant nothing eventually. The kind that were meant to shut me up, but only made me more anxious because I tend to believe that what a man says is what he means. The kind of honestly I have now is just different, and I appreciate it. While he doesn't always put together exactly the right words the first time, I know I can ask for clarification and have answers without me stressing and trying to figure it out myself.

 

It was very hard for me to relax and accept that things could go either way, and I did do things that were meant to tip the scales in my favor. But they weren't things I wouldn't have done anyway. In other words I just kept being myself, even when I knew he had a decision to make and I might not like the decision. I immediately withdrew to a degree, but that didn't feel natural and right to me, so I proceeded, as I mentioned before. I gave my all and was unwilling to blame him if I got hurt in the end. After all, I was warned.

 

No advice here, just relating some of my story. I knew better than anyone the context of our conversations and the realities of our relationship. That isn't always easy to translate to the written word on a message board forum.

[nicki]

The toughest part is that you don't have an "established" relationship yet. That's so hard at the beginning, waiting for it all to solidify into something consistent and predictable.

 

Then you throw a possible LDR into the mix. Everything has to be escalated in a real relationship. Because that's what being in an LDR takes.

 

It's not for new relationships, in my opinion.

 

This also happened to me at about 2 months of dating someone. He hadn't told me that he loved me yet. He simply assumed that I would be on board about being in an LDR. He made the decision without my input, nor did he ask for what I wanted or needed.

 

Big red flag that caused many problems for us down the road.

 

People in relationships include each other's input in their decisions. Gently talk to him again about what YOU want and need. Give him your input.

 

You don't know each other's quirky inner workings yet. Maybe he gets defensive and says "I understand if you don't want an LDR." because HE wants you to tell him that you do. Maybe he really does want one, but doesn't want to pressure into one.

 

When you know him better, then you will understand his meaning better. But, I would try to get him to communicate very honestly, even if it means that you don't like what he says.

 

In return, you need to communicate very honestly with him, too.

 

Maybe tell him that in order to be in an LDR, it needs to be a "love" thing, with an engagement attached. (That's the only way I would do one now.)

 

So maybe think about what YOU want and need, Star.

 

And, personally, I wouldn't offer him any money at all. It's too early for that.

[nicki]

Of course, I meant a long term LDR. A short term LDR for a few months duration is a workable solution, but again it's much better for any kind of LDR to happen in the context of an actual solid relationship. Communication is very important.

[Kamille]

I know that your situation is made complicated by the fact that he is leaving, but I've often found myself wondering why you focus so much on the future - or on needing something more from him. What more do you need then what he is giving you right now to feel safe in this relationship?

[Star Gazer]

I know that your situation is made complicated by the fact that he is leaving, but I've often found myself wondering why you focus so much on the future - or on needing something more from him. What more do you need then what he is giving you right now to feel safe in this relationship?

 

I'm not sure what you mean? I don't know how anyone can feel safe and secure in a relationship without knowing that their BF KNOWS that he's still going to want a relationship down the road. BF doesn't know this because of the uncertainty related to the job. However, that's what I need and want to hear but can't have.

 

Edit: He called me today to discuss another opportunity in the area. He's very much keeping me safe and secure in the here and now. I'm not sure why I focus on the future.

[Star Gazer]

I gave my all and was unwilling to blame him if I got hurt in the end. After all, I was warned.

 

This is how I feel right now - proceed as usual, giving it my all, without any blame towards him.

 

The toughest part is that you don't have an "established" relationship yet. That's so hard at the beginning, waiting for it all to solidify into something consistent and predictable.

 

Then you throw a possible LDR into the mix. Everything has to be escalated in a real relationship. Because that's what being in an LDR takes.

 

I agree.

[Kamille]

I'm not sure what you mean? I don't know how anyone can feel safe and secure in a relationship without knowing that their BF KNOWS that he's still going to want a relationship down the road. BF doesn't know this because of the uncertainty related to the job. However, that's what I need and want to hear but can't have.

 

Edit: He called me today to discuss another opportunity in the area. He's very much keeping me safe and secure in the here and now. I'm not sure why I focus on the future.

 

Actually that's what I meant. I wanted to know, abstraction made of the decisions to be made about the future, if there was anything else you needed. I mean, I think that the most valuable thing is that he keeps you safe here and now and I think that he is making an effort to keep you in mind in his decisions.

 

I also think it's important, both for yourself and your followers here, to recognize that he does take care of you.

[Star Gazer]

Actually that's what I meant. I wanted to know, abstraction made of the decisions to be made about the future, if there was anything else you needed. I mean, I think that the most valuable thing is that he keeps you safe here and now and I think that he is making an effort to keep you in mind in his decisions.

 

Okay, if what you're asking is, assuming for arguments sake that there was no uncertainty about the status of his job/moving/etc., whether I feel safe and comfortable in our relationship...the answer would be absolutely, completely, without hesitation YES. My fears and doubts arose BECAUSE OF our conversations about the uncertainty/him leaving/etc., and for no other reason. If the career uncertainty didn't exist, I would be BLISSFULLY happy.

 

I also think it's important, both for yourself and your followers here, to recognize that he does take care of you.

 

He does. He really does.

[Kamille]

I don't know how anyone can feel safe and secure in a relationship without knowing that their BF KNOWS that he's still going to want a relationship down the road. BF doesn't know this because of the uncertainty related to the job. However, that's what I need and want to hear but can't have.

 

 

 

When will he know what his plans are?

 

The decision making deadlines aren't quite the same for me, but like I've said, I'm in the same position you are. I don't know if bf and I will even be on the same continent in May. We'll find out most likely in february what the possibilities are for us. And yet for some reason, I feel no anxiety whatsoever about this. The decisions are beyond my bf's control, so there is nothing either one of us can do right now but go with the flow.

 

What about you... How much control does your bf have over the final decision?

[Star Gazer]

When will he know what his plans are?

 

What about you... How much control does your bf have over the final decision?

 

There's a really long response to this in this thread.

 

Basically, he could find out what his FINAL career plans are anywhere from a month from now to around May. He obviously has 100% control over the decisions he makes. Only those in the military have no control over where they go and when.

[Kamille]

There's a really long response to this in this thread.

 

Basically, he could find out what his FINAL career plans are anywhere from a month from now to around May. He obviously has 100% control over the decisions he makes. Only those in the military have no control over where they go and when.

 

Really? He only has to decide which job he wants and it's his?

[e.clipse]

i think i've read almost all of your threads regarding you current bf, star, and from what i've read, i honestly don't see how this is looking good.

 

i know that you love him and that because of that, you don't want to think about losing him, which is absolutely normal. the problem, imo, is that you are letting your love for him cloud your better judgment. it's true that we can not know, 100 percent, what is and what is not because we are not actually in your relationship or there to witness it, so we can only go by what you post here. and, honestly, in reading your threads about him, while there is some definite good in them, i think that in your case, the uncertainty of what your relationship truly means, where it stands, and where it will go, outweighs it.

 

objectively, the best thing for you to do is to detach yourself from him. not completely, but enough so that he can decide. you should also tell him that you love him, not in order to manipulate or place unnecessary pressure on him, but to let it be known. you've said that you are sure that he cares about you just as much as he cares about so, and if so, then why be scared to say it?

 

i think that his response could also help you get a better and clearer perspective.

 

as some others have said, i hope it works out for the best. really. the only problem i'm seeing in your posts, star, is that you are sounding like Fun, in that you are rejecting the advice/insight you don't want to hear, because, honestly, i think kenzie is right on the money here.

[Star Gazer]

Really? He only has to decide which job he wants and it's his?

 

Well no. You asked how much power he has over the decision, not the opportunities. There's far too much variance in that to really describe how much control he has. My long response goes into the reasons why...

 

But basically, for about 3/4 of his options, it's all based on timing. First there's open positions, then there's the application process, then there's the testing process, then there's the review process, then background checks, and then an offer, and then an academy...and all of these options have different calendar dates for when each of these steps are completed...and they range anywhere from now until January 2009!

 

The other potential opportunities depend on government or private defense contracts, which come and go periodically and are fairly random, but would have him starting with any given company within 6 months from being discharged.

[Star Gazer]

i think i've read almost all of your threads regarding you current bf, star, and from what i've read, i honestly don't see how this is looking good.

 

i know that you love him and that because of that, you don't want to think about losing him, which is absolutely normal. the problem, imo, is that you are letting your love for him cloud your better judgment. it's true that we can not know, 100 percent, what is and what is not because we are not actually in your relationship or there to witness it, so we can only go by what you post here. and, honestly, in reading your threads about him, while there is some definite good in them, i think that in your case, the uncertainty of what your relationship truly means, where it stands, and where it will go, outweighs it.

 

objectively, the best thing for you to do is to detach yourself from him. not completely, but enough so that he can decide. you should also tell him that you love him, not in order to manipulate or place unnecessary pressure on him, but to let it be known. you've said that you are sure that he cares about you just as much as he cares about so, and if so, then why be scared to say it?

 

i think that his response could also help you get a better and clearer perspective.

 

as some others have said, i hope it works out for the best. really. the only problem i'm seeing in your posts, star, is that you are sounding like Fun, in that you are rejecting the advice/insight you don't want to hear, because, honestly, i think kenzie is right on the money here.

 

What judgment is being clouded? Am I saying "this will work"? "This is meant to be"? "He is my sole mate"? "He loves me"? Anything like that? Nope. I'm saying that while the future is uncertain, I still know that I want him in my life. Is that crazy? Really?

 

Sure, there is a lot of uncertainty here. But I do not think that uncertainty outweighs what we have shared thus far and what we have now.

 

And please NEVER compare me to Fun. That's actually really, really insulting. There's absolutely no comparison between my relationship and her make-believe unethical crazy relationship with her married therapist (amongst other crazy relationships).

[whichwayisup]

I think one thing you need to ask yourself, and yes, this projecting into the future, but due to the circumstances and the cards dealt here, you need to consider this.

 

How do you feel about being alone alot, having to move around, and what if he is deployed in the future to IRAQ or another Country? It takes a strong person to be an Army wife, or to be with someone where their career comes first above everything and everyone.

[Star Gazer]

I think one thing you need to ask yourself, and yes, this projecting into the future, but due to the circumstances and the cards dealt here, you need to consider this.

 

How do you feel about being alone alot, having to move around, and what if he is deployed in the future to IRAQ or another Country? It takes a strong person to be an Army wife, or to be with someone where their career comes first above everything and everyone.

 

He's getting out of the military next month, so I would never be a military wife. But if he takes the job opportunity in Iraq, I'm not sure how I'd feel.

[allina]

Hi Sg,

I know that this guy cares about you and treats you very well. I don't think you're fooling yourself here or ignoring any red flags, but I do have one issue with this;

 

The way I look at this is this. We're talking about love here, about being IN LOVE with one another. He is 29 years old and though I don't know the details of his education or work experience I'm sure he is sufficient in both. I know that a man in his position has opportunities in your city and that there must be more than one opportunity there that will make him truly happy.

 

Our lives rarely go exactly as we planned and in my opinion meeting someone you've fallen in love with and want a future with is more than reason enough to change the course of your life. It's not like he is unable to build a happy, successful future HERE, he just prefers not to.

 

It may be an overly romanticized idea but I feel like if he LOVES you, the way you love him leaving would be out of question. Further I feel like if you were in his situation you would stay and pursue a career locally. If he's as in love and as committed as you are he would build a career here. You two live in a city full of opportunities.

 

I'm not trying to bring this down, and I do think this has a lot of potential I just think he should see that a career is easier to find and build than love and a relationship. You've also stated that he wants marriage and a family so I feel like he should want to, for his own happiness to remain here where he has a chance at getting those things.

[NYCHottie]

I don't think she sounds like FUN (though her response was WAY nasty!), but she is sounding more and more like Genki. If you don't agree with her, then she'll rip you to shreds. So, continue to humor her that this dude is not trying to get rid of her (which is obvious to many), and that he will marry her and carry her off into the sunset. It's what she wants to hear.

 

Star - I think he is HOPELESSLY in love with you. Ignore everyone else, even my prior comments. What do I know? He clearly is in love with you and of course will take you with him. Even to a military base. Overseas. Of COURSE.