"Let's take it a day at a time..."

[Star Gazer]

and ...you love him.

 

I do. I really do.

[Touche]

Okay Auntie Touche.

 

Ha ha, you're cute. But can I be an older sister and not an aunt?

 

As to this:

 

That statement made me think that he doesn't WANT to think about me in making his decision, but coupled with everything else he's said he can't help but think about me...therein lies the tension.

 

Am I the only one who thought this made NO sense? I read it three times and still have NO idea what you're talking about or where the "tension" lies.

 

You have to stop doing this to yourself, Star. Really. And good for you for putting the naysayers on ignore. This is not what you need right now.

 

Yes, revel in what you have NOW. Think about where you were this time last year.

 

Please. You're not only driving yourself crazy with this over-analyzing and worrying over nothing, but now the above quote of yours gave me a headache!

 

Again, STOP IT, WOMAN!

[underpants]

For instance, "I just want you to know that I have realized how much you mean to me and how much I think that we do belong in each other's lives. But I also realize that we have only know each other for a short time, so this is really too early to say for sure where this relationship will lead. I can say that I have developed very deep feelings for you. I know that at this point you also have deep feelings for me, but you do have some decisions regarding your future career moves that will impact the possibility of us. This is okay. These are decisions that you need to make. I know that I can be with you here or there if we so decide in the future. But I also know that I don't want you to feel that I am pressuring you one way or another. If you decide to stay then I will be here. If you decide to move, then I will be here and willing to either work on a long distance relationship or move closer. What I am not ready to do is quit this relationship. I think that when you make your decisions, you will see that we do have something worth hanging on to for a long time to come. But this is my conclusion and I do not want to influence any decisions yuou make, because I want them to be yours.

 

Very beautifully put.

[Star Gazer]

For instance, "I just want you to know that I have realized how much you mean to me and how much I think that we do belong in each other's lives. But I also realize that we have only know each other for a short time, so this is really too early to say for sure where this relationship will lead. I can say that I have developed very deep feelings for you. I know that at this point you also have deep feelings for me, but you do have some decisions regarding your future career moves that will impact the possibility of us. This is okay. These are decisions that you need to make. I know that I can be with you here or there if we so decide in the future. But I also know that I don't want you to feel that I am pressuring you one way or another. If you decide to stay then I will be here. If you decide to move, then I will be here and willing to either work on a long distance relationship or move closer. What I am not ready to do is quit this relationship. I think that when you make your decisions, you will see that we do have something worth hanging on to for a long time to come. But this is my conclusion and I do not want to influence any decisions you make, because I want them to be yours."

 

I'm so using that. Thank you, James. Really.

[sb129]

She's already on ignore. I think thinking about it just drives me crazy.

 

I know he's the real deal. I mean, a real, decent, good man. He's almost 29, never married...wants the whole shebang one day, and feels a little behind his friends and family who are all married with kids.

 

One other thing he said... Because he's been in the military for almost 10 years, he's literally been the PROPERTY of the U.S. Gov't for all of his adult life. He's always done what he's been TOLD to do. Now he wants to do what HE wants to do because he CAN. That statement made me think that he doesn't WANT to think about me in making his decision, but coupled with everything else he's said he can't help but think about me...therein lies the tension.

 

Maybe he is finding that fact that he CAN do whatever he wants difficult, kinda like the kid in the candyshop faced with so many different decisions.

[JamesM]

I'm so using that. Thank you, James. Really.

 

You are welcome and I am pleased you think it fits. You may use every word if it solves your problems. No credit needed.

[Kamille]

It's funny because there are two ways of reading everything you've written about this guy on LS: the naysayer-why-bother side and the there-is-something-there side. But I think your insecurities are making you focus on the negative side, when really, your bf has given you a lot of signs that he is happy to have you in his life.

 

Like Touche said, you should be happy right now. He is trying to work you into the plans, he is taking you in consideration.

 

Star, I think you are afraid that this guy is not going to disappear on you - but the fact is, like someone (WWIU I think) has pointed out, the fact that he is still there trying to figure out with you is a sign that this isn't going to happen. no matter what he decides about his career, you are going to be part of the conversation about the future of your relationship.

 

I think you know this but you're having a hard time believing it. You're trying to protect yourself from potential hurt by focusing on the negative, with the only result that you are teary eyed at the office. Please cross over to the other side. Focus on the positive. Focus on the things he does for the two of you, on the actions he does to show he cares. Be happy. Throw caution to the wind - it's not working for you anyways. Enjoy the moments. Until you two have all the cards in hands (as in when he finally knows where he is going), there is nothing else that can be done.

 

Did you ever hear Mushaboom by Feist? She has sentence that goes: we'll collect the moments one by one, I guess that's how the future's done.

 

He's right you know? Take it one day at a time... And enjoy it!

[Star Gazer]

We just made plans for New Year's, he's coming with me to my work holiday party tonight and perhaps a friend's holiday party this weekend, and we're going skiing for the next three weekends...

 

I think these are all good signs. I don't know why I'm wigging out here.

[Touche]

We just made plans for New Year's, he's coming with me to my work holiday party tonight and perhaps a friend's holiday party this weekend, and we're going skiing for the next three weekends...

 

I think these are all good signs. I don't know why I'm wigging out here.

 

That's so great, Star! See? Would a guy who is trying to get rid of you, make plans for the next three weekends? Uhmmm...no!

 

Relax. It's only natural that you'd be a little cautious given the men you've been with in the past. I really don't blame you. But there's a time and place for that kind of caution and this isn't it.

 

Not to say that I would throw ALL caution to the wind, I thought Johan made some good points on that score, but you can pull back a little on all of that. You can and you should if you want to give this relationship a fair chance.

 

So smile and enjoy!

[sb129]

We just made plans for New Year's, he's coming with me to my work holiday party tonight and perhaps a friend's holiday party this weekend, and we're going skiing for the next three weekends...

 

I think these are all good signs. I don't know why I'm wigging out here.

 

 

These ARE good signs!

 

He wouldn't be making plans for you if he was planning to do a runner...

 

xx Smile please!

[Sun_Conure]

I am probably too sceptical. Following is my opinion, so feel free to disregard it. Also I consider only the information that you provided on LS.

 

If you look at the big picture, what would you see? A week or so ago you posted that you were in love with the guy and were afraid of something (afraid to lose him, or something alone those lines).

 

Later you posted again that he did not tell you that he loved you, that you could not discuss his future plans with him.

 

Then after several days of absence, he wanted to have some space. Again you felt insecure, which seemed natural in those conditions.

 

And now he is telling you that he considers moving away and does not want an LDR. He does not ask if you would concider moving with him, he does not look at other options. Why? He even mentions that if you would want to end the relationship, he would understand.

 

Finally, he suggests to take one day at a time. Do you see what I see here?

 

Are you sure that you are not ignoring your gut feeling? that you are not substituting it with a hopeful overanalyzing?

 

The reason why he did not end the relationship is quite clear: he likes you enough to be with you now. He likes the relationship that you have now. He likes to have stability, support and sex with you NOW. Does he really include YOU in his future plans?

 

Those are the questions for you to consider. Only you know what's going on in your relationship though Hope that you are right

[KenzieAbsolutely]

why would he bother to do that? Why not just end it now and say "This isn't going to work, sorry."

 

because people don't always do the appropriate, forthright thing. because not everyone gets to the point like that. because break-ups can be hard, no matter what the circumstances.

 

he likes what they have now, for now.

 

sorry, SG, i know you want to remain hopeful and there isn't anything wrong with that. who knows? this may all work out perfectly and you'll look back on these posts and laugh at what a basketcase you were over it!

 

but realistically, from my point of view, and from reading some of your other problems from other posts, he's very quick to view his life without you (needing space, no ldr, etc) with no qualms. that's not good. he has no problem separating you from other parts of his life, rather than incorporating,

 

i understand the not wanting an LDR, but usually, in that case, it's someone who doesn't want to bother meeting and dating someone who already lives far. in his case, you're already dating, it's an established relationship, yes a short one, but a 'relationship', nonetheless, and he doesn't seem to have enough vested interest in continuing it if he leaves, which he will, as indicated. neither of you knows what will happen in the next few months, but he's already prepared to quit if things take a certain course. he's already said he understands if you don't want to continue--the tears and regret he showed amount only to so much--he does care about you, after all. it's just not enough to include you in his future at this time, so while it was endearing, it doesn't necessarily translate to 'please don't leave me, i can't live without you'.

 

i don't know. i don't want to hurt your feelings, i think you're going through enough, but i would be wary of someone who asks me to stick around for 6 or more months and see what happens, but already is clear that no matter what, he won't do an LDR, and is vague at best about bringing you with himm(which makes sense for an 8 week relationship.)

 

any attempts at keeping your relationship along and moving into the future seem to be coming from her.

 

if someone cares enough about you to want something to work, they make it work...they don't just succumb to defeat well ahead of the game. do you get what i am saying? i hope this doesn't make you hate me because you don't like what i am saying, but i think you deserve happiness, and it seems like he is making or breaking your happiness, and it just shouldn't be that way.

[Star Gazer]

SC, I appreciate the effort you put into painting a "big picture," but I really think you're using the wrong colors. I'm not trying to make excuses or justify anything here, but when looking at the big picture, it's still important to pay attention to the details.

 

Later you posted again that he did not tell you that he loved you, that you could not discuss his future plans with him.

 

He didn't use the word "love," and I didn't either. However, we have and do discuss his future plans quite often, almost daily. It's just that I prefer he be the one to broach the subject so that he doesn't feel like I'm interfering or trying to control things.

 

Then after several days of absence, he wanted to have some space. Again you felt insecure, which seemed natural in those conditions.

 

I think you're misconstruing this. He wanted space from everything and everyone, not just ME. He needed "him time." Literally every single night he's had off we've spent together, and he had just returned from a horrible work day and a stressful trip.

 

I wouldn't say that I feel insecure, I don't think that's an accurate description. I will freely admit, however, that I feel incredibly vulnerable. Doesn't everyone feel vulnerable when falling in love?

 

And now he is telling you that he considers moving away and does not want an LDR. He does not ask if you would concider moving with him, he does not look at other options. Why? He even mentions that if you would want to end the relationship, he would understand.

 

You must not have read this entire thread and/or the others. We've discussed that the ideal situation would allow me the option of following him, as not all options would even allow me to follow him. When he thought I would not move to follow him, that's when he said he couldn't handle a LDR because he wouldn't want to be in one place while I'm in another. When I said that moving was a possibility, he changed his tune. Now he wants to "wait and see" IF the option he ends up going with IS one that is something that allows for me to follow him (potentially!).

 

The reason why he did not end the relationship is quite clear: he likes you enough to be with you now. He likes the relationship that you have now. He likes to have stability, support and sex with you NOW. Does he really include YOU in his future plans?

 

Do because he doesn't know NOW (after only 2.5 months) that he wants me to uproot my life and follow him across the country that means that this isn't worth continuing? Doesn't every NEW relationship substantially rely on the here and NOW and not future plans? As many have said, we're still very much in the growing-into-each-other stage. I wouldn't blame him for wondering whether or not we'd be able to make it the long haul.

 

Those are the questions for you to consider. Only you know what's going on in your relationship though Hope that you are right

 

I know it's really difficult for outsiders who only read my words and don't observe the daily ongoings of our relationship to really understand what's going on. When I come here, I'm focusing on the negative, and I really shouldn't do that. So many things about his behavior and decisions indicates that he does want a future with me. But we can't know that NOW. We really do have to wait and see, and just take it a day at a time.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

 

 

 

I know it's really difficult for outsiders who only read my words and don't observe the daily ongoings of our relationship to really understand what's going on. When I come here, I'm focusing on the negative, and I really shouldn't do that.

 

i don't think that's true, i think a lot of what you say is on the positive side, i just think some of us are seeing that as a reach on your part because of all the negative stuff that has already been put forth. sometimes, in the midst of a problem, we cling at straws trying to make any positive detail into what we want to think it means.

 

i just hope it works out for you, star, it would be nice to see you have a little happiness. well, not a little, but you know what i mean. i'd just hate to see you put so much energy and effort into someone who is just stringing you along, but giving you just enough hope to make it seem like it's worth it. only time will tell, and i hope in time, whatever way it works out, is what is best for you. you're no dummy, you'll see yourself through somehow.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

 

You're...driving yourself crazy with this over-analyzing and worrying over nothing

 

but it's not over nothing. in any relationship, there have to be some questions, and in hers, there are quite a few. these are real concerns to her.

 

the frequent needing of space thing, the way she becomes the brunt of his bad moods, the 'i understand if you want to end this', the 'i don't want an LDR no matter what', the exclusion of her in so many ways in his future, the way she always feels that she has to really choose and consider what she says and how she says it so she doesn't upset him somehow....i don't think it would be wise to tell her all is dandy, just go with it. it could set her up for a big disappointment, and it only makes sense to be realistic.

 

their relationship is a short one, and already there are some huge issues that most people in weeks-long relationships don't have to consider yet, and that puts a lot of stress on both of them during a time when all is supposed to be new and exciting and the possibilities are endless. unfortunately for them, that isn't the case.

 

i know you said you have a good feeling for this, and your intuition is usually right, but i'm the same way, and i'm also usually right. one of us is right, and only time will tell which one it is. and for star's sake, i would rather her be prepared for the worst (read: prepared, not expecting) than always expect the best and be completely shattered.

 

(sorry, not trying to talk about you like you're not here, star gazer.)

[Star Gazer]

i don't think that's true, i think a lot of what you say is on the positive side, i just think some of us are seeing that as a reach on your part because of all the negative stuff that has already been put forth. sometimes, in the midst of a problem, we cling at straws trying to make any positive detail into what we want to think it means.

 

With all do respect, you don't know what's true and what's not.

 

MOST people I talk to tell me I'm almost sabotaging things by focusing on the negative. I have a tendency to do that. I could make a pro's and con's list about this relationship, or my job, or anything else, and if there were 10 positives of great weight, I'd still harp on the one little negative thing, no matter how insignificant.

 

I'm not grasping for a positive spin here, really. The positive is everywhere.

 

He knows he wants me right now. Yes, that's true. He doesn't know what the future holds. Yes, that's true. But who does know?

[Sun_Conure]

SG, when I was summarizing (in my own words) your prior posts, I did not make any clear conclusions. Remember? I think it's up to you, who knows all the details, to decide what's going on.

 

The main purpose of my post was to let you know that some people could see your situation differently and explain why.

 

When I was dating my now ex husband, he was planning on moving to another country. Eventhough the relationship was young and we did not even think about marriage (we were young), he always discussed his ideas with me. I knew he included me in his decision. I was part of his life and he was part of my life. He never even considered break ups, LDRs, or smth along those line. Is it the same way in your relationship?

[Star Gazer]

the frequent needing of space thing, the way she becomes the brunt of his bad moods, the 'i understand if you want to end this', the 'i don't want an LDR no matter what', the exclusion of her in so many ways in his future, the way she always feels that she has to really choose and consider what she says and how she says it so she doesn't upset him somehow....

 

Where did you get this stuff? Are you reading MY threads?

 

There isn't a "frequent needing of space." He asked for space on ONE day, a day where he had a horrible day at work, was exhausted, and needed "me" time. ONE occasion where he asked for space, from everything and every one, and in the same breath asked me to have a fun date with him the very next day. If needing "me time" on ONE day is a red flag, well then, we're ALL doomed.

 

"I understand if you want to end this" was quite empathetic, IMO. He knows that uncertainty in any part of my life drives me crazy.

 

I really don't think he has excluded me from ANY aspect of his life. He's invited me to his family's ranch, he wants to teach me how to ski so I can ski with him (his favorite thing to do, and we're going AGAIN this weekend), he's invited me to his work party, he's taken me to his place of work to show me what he does, and most importantly, he's even TURNED DOWN A JOB OFFER so that he can stay with me.

 

"I don't want a LDR" does not necessarily mean that he doesn't want to be with me as you suggest. I can completely understand why someone who's been burned twice in LDRs would not want to enter a new one. However, a LDR isn't even necessarily a given. If he stays here for work, we're staying together, and I've felt a hinted ultimatum coming from him. We're not talking about some guy who's leading me on here. He's being honest and open with how he feels, even if that means that all he's sharing is that he "doesn't know."

 

Honestly, it's negativity like this that dooms relationships...I think.

[Star Gazer]

SG, when I was summarizing (in my own words) your prior posts, I did not make any clear conclusions. Remember? I think it's up to you, who knows all the details, to decide what's going on.

 

The main purpose of my post was to let you know that some people could see your situation differently and explain why.

 

Oh, I know. And I still thank you for your response. I know there are many different ways of seeing a situation, and I appreciate your perspective.

 

When I was dating my now ex husband, he was planning on moving to another country. Eventhough the relationship was young and we did not even think about marriage (we were young), he always discussed his ideas with me. I knew he included me in his decision. I was part of his life and he was part of my life. He never even considered break ups, LDRs, or smth along those line. Is it the same way in your relationship?

 

Like I've mentioned before, he's turned down a job offer because it would take him away from me. He talks with me about every step he's taking...who he's applying to, what process he's going through in that regard, who gave him a new lead for a job and where, etc. Some days he considers these options with me in mind. Other days he really doesn't. He's torn. He seems to think he can have either me, or the job, but not both.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

With all do respect, you don't know what's true and what's not.

 

MOST people I talk to tell me I'm almost sabotaging things by focusing on the negative. I have a tendency to do that. I could make a pro's and con's list about this relationship, or my job, or anything else, and if there were 10 positives of great weight, I'd still harp on the one little negative thing, no matter how insignificant.

 

I'm not grasping for a positive spin here, really. The positive is everywhere.

 

He knows he wants me right now. Yes, that's true. He doesn't know what the future holds. Yes, that's true. But who does know?

 

i know that SG. of course i don't know what's true and what's not. i am only going on what i have seen posted by you, and what i see in it. there were several statements he made that you took certain ways that i saw as you trying to take them as positives when they could have gone either way. the only people who know what's true are you knowing what's true for yourself, and him knowing what's true for himself. so basically, you don't know what's true and what's not either. you wouldn't be here asking for other people's takes on it. that's not an insult, that's only natural.

 

i guess i also see you trying to see the positive more because any time someone says something to the contrary, you're quick to defend it like you just don't want to hear it, don't want to see it, because if you don't, then you can go on thinking it will all work out, and maybe it will, but if you want to it that way, you don't need anyone's opinoin. and i can appreciate that, i just don't see it as a realistic way to weigh your options, especially when you're asking for advice and opinions.there's a huge difference between being negative and realistic.

 

yes, i did read YOUR threads. i've tried to be respectful and helpful with advice and opinion, but i won't give you mine if you don't want it.

[Sun_Conure]

SG, you said "Some days he considers these options with me in mind. Other days he really doesn't. He's torn. He seems to think he can have either me, or the job, but not both." That bothers me.

 

At the same time, as I understand he does not have to make a choice right now, you have a few months ahead of you. So if I were you, I would relax and have fun with him. In a few months, when he absolutely has to make a decision, your relationship would not be that new anymore. If by that time, he still does not know .... then you know what you would have to do

 

I do hope it works out for you

[KenzieAbsolutely]

SG, you said "Some days he considers these options with me in mind. Other days he really doesn't. He's torn. He seems to think he can have either me, or the job, but not both."

 

 

 

a lot of what i said stems from sun wrote above. i don't know if you remember, but much of what you say here points exactly to that kind of statement.

 

 

p.s. i didn't say he's excluding you from his present life. i said, based on what you have said, is that it seems he has little problem with the exclusion of you in his future. i've also said that maybe all this is wrong, and one day you'll look back on these posts and laugh because everything worked out beautifully. you're right, obviously, i don't know anything, i can't know anything. i can only tell you what i think, which i won't anymore, even though that's the point of all this.

 

good luck, i wish you all the best.

[Star Gazer]

SG, you said "Some days he considers these options with me in mind. Other days he really doesn't. He's torn. He seems to think he can have either me, or the job, but not both." That bothers me.

 

At the same time, as I understand he does not have to make a choice right now, you have a few months ahead of you. So if I were you, I would relax and have fun with him. In a few months, when he absolutely has to make a decision, your relationship would not be that new anymore. If by that time, he still does not know .... then you know what you would have to do

 

I do hope it works out for you

 

I agree. It bothers me too, and yet I totally understand where he's coming from. I also agree that with more time, if he still doesn't know...well then, that will be my answer.

 

I'm trying to have fun and relax, but damn is it HARD. I can't help but feel like there's a deadline on our relationship, and that sucks.

[Star Gazer]

KA - I guess it's just very difficult to take the negative spin from you because of the way it's presented, i.e., "This is what's happening here, and it ain't good," rather than asking me questions that might cause me to question things in a way that might lead to the same conclusion you're trying to get at, as SC and others have done...if that makes sense.

[marlena]

Star,

 

Listen to your gut feeling. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

 

Marlena