"Let's take it a day at a time..."

[NYCHottie]

That's how I felt that night.

 

After I said that I would consider moving, he was all about seeing where this goes, running the same course, not letting anything change...but again, with no promises.

 

Um, yeah? Because he DOESNT WANT YOU TO GO. Why is this so unclear? Do you have a history of making up relationships when a guy is trying to lose you?

[Star Gazer]

I think the guy really is confused, just like she is.

 

I am confused, and he is too.

 

What really hit me was one of the moments where he got really upset. He said he was so scared and confused. He's confused because he sometimes focuses all of his thoughts and energies on "us" and me and our relationship and what he can do to make it work, and other times finds himself thinking only about his job and where the best opportunities are, without giving a second thought to me. He goes back and forth, and he doesn't understand why. At the same time, he was scared that even having this conversation with me would cause me to leave him, and is scared about what will ultimately come of our relationship.

[Touche]

He didn't discourage me or in any way suggest that I shouldn't consider moving. But he didn't respond in a way to suggest that he liked the idea either. In a previous conversation where I mentioned the possibility, he seemed to perk up. But during this particular conversation, he seemed neutral notwithstanding his change of tune from fatal to hopeful.

 

I basically went from feeling like our relationship was over at the beginning of the conversation to feeling like we have a real chance here at the end.

 

How could be "neutral" AND at the same time go from fatal to hopeful as you say? That doesn't sound "neutral" to me.

 

You're driving yourself nuts for nothing, Star.

 

Stop analyzing this so much. You might analyze this right into the ground. I've sometimes wondered if you don't unknowingly sabotage relationships. Don't do that.

 

Let me ask you this...if he does move, how soon will that move take place?

 

By the way, NYCHottie is barking up the wrong tree. I'm pretty good (if I do say so myself) and reading situations like this, and I'm not getting the sense at ALL that he's trying to let you down gently.

 

His actions don't tell me that at all.

 

You're worrying for nothing, Star. You need to sometimes pull back and stop analyzing so much and just TRUST that sometimes, yes, sometimes things actually DO work out for us. They really do.

 

So when is this move supposed to take place, if it does?

[whichwayisup]

He goes back and forth because of the amount of time you two have been together and he is comparing it to what he feels now. If you two had been together for over a year, this would be a much clearer choice. Either you would move and be with him, or you would end it and go your own separate ways...With so little time under the belt together (you know what I mean) the relationship itself hasn't had time to grow into a secure and stable thing...Though the feelings are there, he, just like you, can't just decide what to do.

[whichwayisup]

Um, yeah? Because he DOESNT WANT YOU TO GO. Why is this so unclear? Do you have a history of making up relationships when a guy is trying to lose you?

 

IF he didn't want her, he would not be allowing her to be in pain like this, allowing the confusion to go on. IF HE wanted to end things NOW, he would just say, SORRY, I am moving and it would be best if we broke up. Sorry, I don't mean to hurt you, I do care about you, but unfortunately the timing is wrong.

 

HE has not said that, nor has he implied that.

 

Are we reading the same thread???

[underpants]

Okay some more silly thoughts...

 

I think with his miliary background moving around is second nature to him. Even though he is out...he might still be used to or has no problem uprooting to be someplace else. He has always done this alone so the possibility of sharing that lifestyle with someone else may bring up some new ideas, fears, issues and musings that he has never considered before.

 

I don't like that he has this career/relationship either/or cycling of thought. There are ways to achieve both. This is what he needs to want to consider. What are the options that entail having both?

 

and...you love him.

[Lauriebell82]

He goes back and forth because of the amount of time you two have been together and he is comparing it to what he feels now. If you two had been together for over a year, this would be a much clearer choice. Either you would move and be with him, or you would end it and go your own separate ways...With so little time under the belt together (you know what I mean) the relationship itself hasn't had time to grow into a secure and stable thing...Though the feelings are there, he, just like you, can't just decide what to do.

 

I agree with this. You haven't been together all that long, and you don't have that future type committment in place. So it is confusing. I think you do have to stop analyzing the situation though..you are driving yourself crazy. This is ultimately going to be his decision since it's his career.

[Star Gazer]

Touche, maybe I do sabotage. I'm trying DESPERATELY not to here. That's why I asked for help.

 

So when is this move supposed to take place, if it does?

 

Well, there are several "moves" to consider. Mine wouldn't take place for quite some time.

 

He gets out of the military in the middle of next month (January). At that point or later in the month, if he doesn't have a job lined up he will most likely move home to his mom's (an 8 hour drive/1.5 hour flight away) so that he can save $$ while he waits for whatever offers/assignments come through.

 

He's applying to various different agencies, all of which require some sort of academy and training. Before he'd even start at an academy, he has to complete an intensive testing/background check process which can take months to complete. The way the testing dates and academy dates are working out, he wouldn't start an academy anywhere - either here or anywhere else - until late March at the earliest, and that's being overly optimistic. So we're looking at no less than 2 months of him back at his mom's place, and most likely a few more months than that. From that point, unless he goes with the one option that is in his home city, he'll move somewhere else to start his job.

 

Ideally for both of us, he'd move to his mom's for the 2-3 months and come back to California to attend one of several academies (all which are generally in this area, so we wouldn't be LD). After completing the academy, he'd THEN move-move to where ever he's going to end up. We estimate this could be anywhere from August to January of 2009.

 

Hopefully that makes sense.

[Star Gazer]

IF he didn't want her, he would not be allowing her to be in pain like this, allowing the confusion to go on. IF HE wanted to end things NOW, he would just say, SORRY, I am moving and it would be best if we broke up. Sorry, I don't mean to hurt you, I do care about you, but unfortunately the timing is wrong.

 

HE has not said that, nor has he implied that.

 

Thank you for that, WWIU. I was starting to second guess my gut instinct. BF is a very plain spoken guy, he says what he means and means what he says. If he didn't want to be with me anymore, he wouldn't be feeling the way he does, expressing himself the way he does, or saying the things he does. He just wouldn't.

 

I don't like that he has this career/relationship either/or cycling of thought. There are ways to achieve both. This is what he needs to want to consider. What are the options that entail having both?

 

and...you love him.

 

The options that entail both are (1) him deciding on one of the opportunities here, or (2) me following him to one of the opportunities elsewhere. It seems simple, yet it's so complicated.

[Lauriebell82]

Touche, maybe I do sabotage. I'm trying DESPERATELY not to here. That's why I asked for help.

 

 

 

Well, there are several "moves" to consider. Mine wouldn't take place for quite some time.

 

He gets out of the military in the middle of next month (January). At that point or later in the month, if he doesn't have a job lined up he will most likely move home to his mom's (an 8 hour drive/1.5 hour flight away) so that he can save $$ while he waits for whatever offers/assignments come through.

 

He's applying to various different agencies, all of which require some sort of academy and training. Before he'd even start at an academy, he has to complete an intensive testing/background check process which can take months to complete. The way the testing dates and academy dates are working out, he wouldn't start an academy anywhere - either here or anywhere else - until late March at the earliest, and that's being overly optimistic. So we're looking at no less than 2 months of him back at his mom's place, and most likely a few more months than that. From that point, unless he goes with the one option that is in his home city, he'll move somewhere else to start his job.

 

Ideally for both of us, he'd move to his mom's for the 2-3 months and come back to California to attend one of several academies (all which are generally in this area, so we wouldn't be LD). After completing the academy, he'd THEN move-move to where ever he's going to end up. We estimate this could be anywhere from August to January of 2009.

 

Hopefully that makes sense.

 

Wow. Those are a lot of plans. I really do understand his confusion because sheesh that does sound like a lot of changes in plans. I can see where he is coming from when he says "lets take it one day at a time." The idea of him having all these options and then trying to decide on options hypothecizing that you guys are together may be freaking him out alone! I know your in love with him, but you guys really don't have that committed relationship mentality where you make life alternaring decisions for another person. I'm not trying to sound mean SG, I'd be upset if I was in your situation too. From everything I've gathered from the situation, he probably is very torn here. You are going to have to let him work this out..I know it sucks.

 

He's saying that he can only give you one day at a time..that's what you are going to have to take. If he doesn't want a LDR then he is going to have to find a way to balance his career goals and make your relationship work as well..that might be hard. I can understand where you are both coming from, I just think that this is more of his decision and not yours..which again sucks! I'm sorry you are going through this, I know you love him, but you are going to have to let him figure this out for himself.

[Star Gazer]

LB - I know his CAREER decision is absolutely, 110% HIS decision to make. But the decisions regarding what happens to OUR relationship should not be so one-sided, I don't think.

 

If his career plans require him to move, it would seem that if he cares about our relationship that he'd be amenable to me moving where he is eventually (i.e., not tomorrow, or next month...but a ways down the road). He seems amenable to that, he seems like he's not giving up, so that's all I can hold on to.

[Lauriebell82]

LB - I know his CAREER decision is absolutely, 110% HIS decision to make. But the decisions regarding what happens to OUR relationship should not be so one-sided, I don't think.

 

If his career plans require him to move, it would seem that if he cares about our relationship that he'd be amenable to me moving where he is eventually (i.e., not tomorrow, or next month...but a ways down the road). He seems amenable to that, he seems like he's not giving up, so that's all I can hold on to.

 

Well, thats really good. It does sound like he is factoring you into the situation. I agree that you should both have equal say because you are both in the relationship. I know you said he would undertand if you ended the relationship, I'm just curious what you said about that to him. (I didn't get a chance to read every single post in this thread, I just skimmed).

[Touche]

Yes, Star. I know you're not going to sabotage this one. I can tell. I just said that I thought in the PAST you had that tendency.

 

Anyway, thank you for clearing that all up as far as the move. And I did mean when will HE move, not you.

 

It's at least a while more, so just relax and let the relationship progress naturally without worrying about all of that.

 

One thing I would suggest though...now that he knows that you're willing to move for him, don't bring it up again. The ball is now in HIS court.

 

Can you relax about this? He sounds like a really great guy.

[underpants]

So, by your interpertation of his reasoning he would prefer to live where he is now. The 2 benefits of going back home is to save money or pursue that one opportunity. Then eventually, come back anyway in a few months.

 

Would it be completely insane for you two to get a place together so he can save and stay if this locale is his preferred place regardless?

 

I would not want to uproot and leave my job, if in a few months he is planning to return anyway. Can't he research these other 'options' from anyplace?

[Star Gazer]

I know you said he would understand if you ended the relationship, I'm just curious what you said about that to him. (I didn't get a chance to read every single post in this thread, I just skimmed).

 

I actually stood up to leave, I was so upset and said, "I can't do this."

 

He grabbed me and begged me to stay. Begged me not to give up, to stay with him while he figures stuff out.

[sb129]

Girl. do you not see how needy you are? You are ready to pack up your life and move cross country with a guy who DOESNT LOVE YOU. He is trying to let you down easily as he doesnt sound like a cad, and you are grasping at anything you can to try and force this to work.

 

Bottom line - when a man tells you he is moving and does not want a LDR with you he is OVER it and is moving on without you.

 

Try and retain a shred of self-respect here. For your own sanity - try and stop trying to make all this happen in your head and look at the reality. He is telling you in advance that it is over.

 

I don't think that at all. Why would he bother to do that? Why not just end it now and say "This isn't going to work, sorry."

 

Most men I know don't like life to be too complicated, and when it gets that way, they do what they can to make it less so. In this case, I think that SGs BF obviously WANTS to keep seeing her, otherwise he wouldn't go to so much effort to keep seeing her and telling her that.

 

He has no idea where he will be moving to, if at all, he is just trying as best he can to keep her informed.

[Star Gazer]

One thing I would suggest though...now that he knows that you're willing to move for him, don't bring it up again. The ball is now in HIS court.

 

Can you relax about this? He sounds like a really great guy.

 

Oh trust me, I'm not gonna say another word. He knows how I feel. I'm not gonna beat a dead horse.

 

I'm trying to relax. LS actually isn't helping! He really is a GREAT guy. Fabulous even.

 

So, by your interpertation of his reasoning he would prefer to live where he is now. The 2 benefits of going back home is to save money or pursue that one opportunity. Then eventually, come back anyway in a few months.

 

Would it be completely insane for you two to get a place together so he can save and stay if this locale is his preferred place regardless?

 

I would not want to uproot and leave my job, if in a few months he is planning to return anyway. Can't he research these other 'options' from anyplace?

 

His great preference is to remain in our general area. He's got family he's very close to nearby, he loves to ski and lives an hour from his favorite resort, and says that this is the first place in all the places he's ever lived that felt like "home." He doesn't want to leave for good. He just feels like he might have to.

 

I don't think I can mention living together. I've offered him some financial assistance towards his rent, and he said he couldn't let me do it because it would make him feel like less of a man.

 

Oh, and I wouldn't move until he was settled-settled, like never leaving that place again.

[Lauriebell82]

I actually stood up to leave, I was so upset and said, "I can't do this."

 

He grabbed me and begged me to stay. Begged me not to give up, to stay with him while he figures stuff out.

 

AWWW, there ya go! So he is thinking about the two of you. And he said it flat out, stay with him until HE figures it out..and he meant it. Just I suggest to just relax and let him figure it out.

[Star Gazer]

I really hate getting upset at the office. I look like I have allergies. Luckily the heat is out at our building to explain away my red nose.

[Touche]

Star, why is LS not helping with your being able to relax about this? I thought most of us were! Ignore the naysayers...they're wrong anyway. On this one, anyway.

 

The more you tell us about him, the more I'm thinking that you may have snagged the real deal here. Finally! Do you know how rare guys like this are? (Well, yeah, I'm sure you do.)

 

Please relax, Star. By the way, do you feel comfortable telling us how old he is? Has he ever been married before? Has he expressed his desire to be married and have kids some day?

[Touche]

I really hate getting upset at the office. I look like I have allergies. Luckily the heat is out at our building to explain away my red nose.

 

I don't understand what you're so upset about? Are you PMSing? Weren't you just PMSing a week or so ago?

 

STOP it! You should be happy now, Star.

[Star Gazer]

Star, why is LS not helping with your being able to relax about this? I thought most of us were! Ignore the naysayers...they're wrong anyway. On this one, anyway.

 

The more you tell us about him, the more I'm thinking that you may have snagged the real deal here. Finally! Do you know how rare guys like this are? (Well, yeah, I'm sure you do.)

 

Please relax, Star. By the way, do you feel comfortable telling us how old he is? Has he ever been married before? Has he expressed his desire to be married and have kids some day?

 

She's already on ignore. I think thinking about it just drives me crazy.

 

I know he's the real deal. I mean, a real, decent, good man. He's almost 29, never married...wants the whole shebang one day, and feels a little behind his friends and family who are all married with kids.

 

One other thing he said... Because he's been in the military for almost 10 years, he's literally been the PROPERTY of the U.S. Gov't for all of his adult life. He's always done what he's been TOLD to do. Now he wants to do what HE wants to do because he CAN. That statement made me think that he doesn't WANT to think about me in making his decision, but coupled with everything else he's said he can't help but think about me...therein lies the tension.

[Star Gazer]

STOP it! You should be happy now, Star.

 

Okay Auntie Touche.

[underpants]

His great preference is to remain in our general area. He's got family he's very close to nearby, he loves to ski and lives an hour from his favorite resort, and says that this is the first place in all the places he's ever lived that felt like "home." He doesn't want to leave for good. He just feels like he might have to.

 

I don't think I can mention living together. I've offered him some financial assistance towards his rent, and he said he couldn't let me do it because it would make him feel like less of a man.

 

Oh, and I wouldn't move until he was settled-settled, like never leaving that place again.

 

Well,

 

If he has family and friends in the area then he has resources to help him stay. So the moving in together thing is probably not a good idea (normally I would not suggest that without a serious commitment level interest or ...only option for staying together thing.)

 

Your last sentence might be off putting to him if you express those kind of thoughts to a 'mover and shaker' guy. Home is with whom you make it where ever that maybe. He might not even consider being attached to a place as much as he values his attachments to people.

 

Anyway,

 

It is a lot of food for thought. I think others and I have analysed it to death for you.

 

Now you can relax and just enjoy having a great guy in your life....and ...you love him.

[JamesM]

Okay, I have skimmed through the oh so many replies since i was last on this morning.

 

I agree with many of what Touche has said. But I am basing this on my experiences of indecision during dating.

 

What do I mean when I say there is a difference between losing and loving?

 

If he tries to keep you because he is afraid of losing you, then he will be clinging to you so that if he makes up his mind about you...you will still be there. He may decide he loves you, but it may be due to the pressure he feels from you to make a decision.

 

If he chooses you because he loves you, then he will have done so with no feeling of pressure from you.

 

I think what it comes down to is...what should you do and how should you respond to him?

 

I can only give you an opinion from a guy's viewpoint and on the receiving end. And that still is mine.

 

I would say be patient and do not overanalyze this (as Touche has said). The more you read into it, the more you are imagining things worse than probably are. From what I read, I see a guy who is confused about his future. I think you DO need to let him know how you feel about him, but the feelings do not have to contain any sort of deadline.

 

For instance, "I just want you to know that I have realized how much you mean to me and how much I think that we do belong in each other's lives. But I also realize that we have only know each other for a short time, so this is really too early to say for sure where this relationship will lead. I can say that I have developed very deep feelings for you. I know that at this point you also have deep feelings for me, but you do have some decisions regarding your future career moves that will impact the possibility of us. This is okay. These are decisions that you need to make. I know that I can be with you here or there if we so decide in the future. But I also know that I don't want you to feel that I am pressuring you one way or another. If you decide to stay then I will be here. If you decide to move, then I will be here and willing to either work on a long distance relationship or move closer. What I am not ready to do is quit this relationship. I think that when you make your decisions, you will see that we do have something worth hanging on to for a long time to come. But this is my conclusion and I do not want to influence any decisions yuou make, because I want them to be yours.