"Let's take it a day at a time..."

[Star Gazer]

I don't think it's possible for you to force yourself to build a wall and I don't think you should. Really all you can do is understand that you're taking a risk here because he's worth it and that you might end up hurt. Just remember the possibilities and that no matter what happens you will be okay, even if this leaves you crushed for a while.

 

The one and only thing I take issue with here is that you're being a little too giving and understanding. I know you care about him and don't want to push him away but this is about you too, not just him.

 

When I reaaaaaaaaaally like someone, or in this case have completely fallen for someone, I find it nearly impossible to walk away or the build a wall. I've never been able to do it. BF gave me an out last night, he said if I cannot take it one day at a time and need to end it that he'd understand...that's when he started to cry. I would never be able to walk away from him...

 

I realize I'm taking a risk here, and it's scary. But I DO believe that he's worth it. I say this while believing there's a very high chance that I will be crushed in one way or another, either because he'll decide he doesn't want a LDR or even if he does because I'll be so sad to be apart from him.

 

I know you think I make excuses for him all the time, but he really is going through a lot crap right now. His unknown future is just part of it. I'm just another part of it. He's got other troubles that I won't go into, but all taken together he's carrying a lot on his shoulders. I've got a lot of things going on too, but they're all good things, nothing to complain about.

[D-Lish]

hey, there is nothing wrong with sticking with someone whom you feel is worth fighting for.

 

If he is having problems with indecision- I still think the best route is for you to pull back a little and let him come to you.

 

How long distance are we talking here?

[sb129]

SG- gotta run for my bus to work.... but just quickly. I think he is being really honest with you, which is good. There are too many unanswered questions right now, and he still wants you around despite all the uncertainty.

 

More later, sorry hon. !

[Kamille]

Last week I said I needed to build a wall up to protect myself from getting hurt. Y'all vehemently disagreed.

 

Now you're saying to pull back and protect myself. You're just as confusing as he is.

 

Hi Stargazer,

There is a difference between 'building a wall' and finding some balance. You don't need to build a wall so much as you need to take care of yourself first.

 

But I agree with SB and James, he is being honest and he does have huge decisions to make. You already know you'd be willing to give a lot for a relationship - but you shouldn't give more then he's willing to do right now and certainly can't give more then he's willing to accept.

 

But you see, I don't think this diminishes the significance of what the two of you have in any way. You've only been together two months. Two months is still primarly about the excitement of getting to know someone more then about long-term plans.

[Star Gazer]

You don't want him back, because he is afraid of losing you. You want him back because he LOVES you.

 

I'm not sure I'd know the difference... ?

 

I think he is being really honest with you, which is good. There are too many unanswered questions right now, and he still wants you around despite all the uncertainty.

 

He's being very honest. Our conversation was heartfelt. I'm nervous about what the future holds, but at least now I know what's going through his mind.

 

You already know you'd be willing to give a lot for a relationship - but you shouldn't give more then he's willing to do right now and certainly can't give more then he's willing to accept.

 

So do you mean I shouldn't commit myself to a future with him because he can't do the same right now? What if part of what he needs in order to commit to a future together is knowing I feel the same way?

 

But you see, I don't think this diminishes the significance of what the two of you have in any way.

 

I don't think so either. After all was said and done that night, he kept repeating how much he likes "us," that he's good at being "us," that the "us" part of his life is the easiest, happiest thing he has...

[IpAncA]

You still haven't said how long you two have been dating. Or maybe I missed that part.

 

I personally wouldn't have a hard time taking it one day at a time and seeing where it went. I'm not one to rush into things so slow is good for me. Less pressure as I can't handle being pressured.

 

BUT, I don't see any problem with you both talking about where you stand in the relationship. I wouldn't feel comfortable him leaving and not knowing where I stood.

 

Just my thoughts.

[Touche]

Before I weigh in, I'd a little further clarification on this part:

 

His tune changed as soon as I flatly said I would move to where he was if he was happy there.

 

Can you expand on this? How exactly did it change?

[underpants]

Star,

 

I don't know. However, you are in my thoughts.

 

If it were me I would have probably already told him how I felt only to watch him run far, far away.

 

I don't think you tell someone that you love them...to progress anything or to keep them or even with an expectation that they say it back.

 

I did have a thought, and I hope by expressing it you don't freak out on me. While all of us if we were really honest have a fear that someone we love will leave or abandon us. Most of us (on a dysfunctional level) do things that ultimately feed that fear or in some cases manifest it. I'm not saying that you are doing that, but you are really invested in him. That coupled with a missing element in your early life might make relationships that much more important and vital to you. It is a good and a bad thing and I do know you are smart enough to check yourself.

 

Stressing over it and/or talking an issue into the ground is pressure. While I can understand wanting to know, working it out, getting past it....sometimes you just freakin' have to let go of a little control and hope the other person steps up.

 

The way I work through most stuff is to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. The worst thing that can happen is that he will leave and the relationship will be over. The best thing that can happen is that he realizes that you came into his life for a reason and that he was lucky to recognize how great you two are together and that your relationship is worth holding onto even if it means taking a chance and letting go of his own fears and you some of yours.

 

You know, even if it all turns to pooh. You had a cool guy in your life for a little while who treated you nice. That in itself is a blessing.

 

You can't control him. All you can do is love him and relax. Let this love open your heart, not wall it off.

 

(hugs)

[Star Gazer]

Can you expand on this? How exactly did it change?

 

He went from being adamant that he didn't want a LDR and didn't know what to do about "us" because of that (when I was NOT opening up and saying I could possibly move, he was thinking that wasn't an option and crying upset because he felt the end was inevitable), to saying that he wants to see how things work out between us, take it a day at a time, let our relationship continue to grow, don't let anything change between us, etc.

 

Basically, he went from being fatalistic to hopeful.

[Touche]

Well there's your answer, Star. I mean now that he knows that you're willing to move and he's hopeful as far as I can see, everything looks good. He sure didn't discourage you in any way. He seemed amenable to the idea of your moving, right? That tells me he thinks there is a chance for a future. Otherwise he woudn't have shown hope.

 

I agree now that your best bet is to just take it a day at a time and see where this goes.

 

But from where I sit, this is looking good so far.

[Trialbyfire]

I would never be able to walk away from him...

Yes you can. You can walk away from anyone, no matter how much you love them. While this isn't the situation right now, you're strong enough to do it. Know it and feel it. It doesn't hurt to let him know, mayhaps not directly, that you are an independent person. He can't always drive.

[Star Gazer]

I don't know.

 

That's his response too.

 

I don't think you tell someone that you love them...to progress anything or to keep them or even with an expectation that they say it back.

 

I haven't told him that I love him. I desperately want to, I need to get it off my chest. But at this point, I feel like telling him would be pressure. I am trying to find a way to craft my words so that it comes across as just relieving some weight off my shoulders, with no expectations of any sort of response or reciprocation... (while simultaneously hoping that he does respond in kind ).

 

I did have a thought, and I hope by expressing it you don't freak out on me. While all of us if we were really honest have a fear that someone we love will leave or abandon us. Most of us (on a dysfunctional level) do things that ultimately feed that fear or in some cases manifest it. I'm not saying that you are doing that, but you are really invested in him. That coupled with a missing element in your early life might make relationships that much more important and vital to you. It is a good and a bad thing and I do know you are smart enough to check yourself.

 

I have HUGE abandonment issues. HUGE. This is something I'll have to think about.

 

Stressing over it and/or talking an issue into the ground is pressure. While I can understand wanting to know, working it out, getting past it....sometimes you just freakin' have to let go of a little control and hope the other person steps up.

 

This is why I'm fearful of telling him how I really feel.

[NYCHottie]

He did this because of the way you carried on and he felt badly about hurting you so he said what you wanted to hear. Honestly I think any guy would do the same since they tend to hate confrontations and here is a woman hes been dating only for a short time and she announces she is packing up and moving cross country with him when he has never said he loved her and is trying to tell her he doesnt want a LDR.

 

Seriously - not trying to be mean here, but you dont seem to be getting what he is telling you. Read between the lines - he is telling you he wants to move for his job and not have to deal with you when he leaves. He clearly doesnt feel the same about you.

 

If I were you Id pull WAY back and start dating other guys. This one has already given you the blueprint of how it will end.

[Star Gazer]

He sure didn't discourage you in any way. He seemed amenable to the idea of your moving, right? That tells me he thinks there is a chance for a future. Otherwise he woudn't have shown hope.

 

He didn't discourage me or in any way suggest that I shouldn't consider moving. But he didn't respond in a way to suggest that he liked the idea either. In a previous conversation where I mentioned the possibility, he seemed to perk up. But during this particular conversation, he seemed neutral notwithstanding his change of tune from fatal to hopeful.

 

I basically went from feeling like our relationship was over at the beginning of the conversation to feeling like we have a real chance here at the end.

[NYCHottie]

Girl. do you not see how needy you are? You are ready to pack up your life and move cross country with a guy who DOESNT LOVE YOU. He is trying to let you down easily as he doesnt sound like a cad, and you are grasping at anything you can to try and force this to work.

 

Bottom line - when a man tells you he is moving and does not want a LDR with you he is OVER it and is moving on without you.

 

Try and retain a shred of self-respect here. For your own sanity - try and stop trying to make all this happen in your head and look at the reality. He is telling you in advance that it is over.

[Kamille]

 

So do you mean I shouldn't commit myself to a future with him because he can't do the same right now? What if part of what he needs in order to commit to a future together is knowing I feel the same way?

 

 

I don't think so either. After all was said and done that night, he kept repeating how much he likes "us," that he's good at being "us," that the "us" part of his life is the easiest, happiest thing he has...

 

I guess what I mean is that you cannot commit yourself to a future with him unless he is willing to do the same and until you know what the future is.

 

You and I are in much the same situation. We have both been with our bf for a little over two months now and we both fell really hard for these men.

 

Not only that, but my bf is also most likely moving within the next year, and like you I would be willing to relocate to some of his potential destinations.

 

He is applying for jobs in Canada, Europe and the US and we've basically decided we would figure out how we would handle it once we absolutely had to make a decision (as in once he started getting job offers). We've talked about this too, and we had a discussion at one point that went something like:

if you move to X or Y cities in Europe, US or Canada we'll just have to see what we do once it happens (since following there would be complicated).

if you move to X city in central Canada, I might be able to follow you. Would you be up for that? (his reply was yes).

 

And that was it. Now I guess you could say we're living "one day at a time". For a reason I can't put my finger on, I don't need more right now. Maybe because the way you present things it sounds like your boyfriend only has to choose where he goes, whereas with mine it's a competetive field so the destinations chooses him. But I have him now. Things are fantastic now. And I know that I will be part of the conversation once the cards have been dealt.

 

And I also know that I will be able to deal with whatever happens once it happens. And so will you.

[Star Gazer]

He did this because of the way you carried on and he felt badly about hurting you so he said what you wanted to hear. Honestly I think any guy would do the same since they tend to hate confrontations and here is a woman hes been dating only for a short time and she announces she is packing up and moving cross country with him when he has never said he loved her and is trying to tell her he doesnt want a LDR.

 

Seriously - not trying to be mean here, but you dont seem to be getting what he is telling you. Read between the lines - he is telling you he wants to move for his job and not have to deal with you when he leaves. He clearly doesnt feel the same about you.

 

If I were you Id pull WAY back and start dating other guys. This one has already given you the blueprint of how it will end.

 

Your tone really isn't necessary and does no service to your "advice."

 

How exactly did I "carry on"? Were you there? Did you see HIM crying? Did you see HIM begging me to stay with him, not let anything change? Did you hear me logically explain that it would be quite a while before that move would ever be made, if at all, but that distance shouldn't be fatal to our relationship?

[Kamille]

oh and both bf and I have had catastrophic experiences with LDR, so neither one of us actually really want to head in that direction.

[Star Gazer]

Girl. do you not see how needy you are? You are ready to pack up your life and move cross country with a guy who DOESNT LOVE YOU. He is trying to let you down easily as he doesnt sound like a cad, and you are grasping at anything you can to try and force this to work.

 

Bottom line - when a man tells you he is moving and does not want a LDR with you he is OVER it and is moving on without you.

 

Try and retain a shred of self-respect here. For your own sanity - try and stop trying to make all this happen in your head and look at the reality. He is telling you in advance that it is over.

 

Don't call me "girl."

 

Again, you clearly haven't been paying attention to my entire situation, nor were you there to hear the entire 2 hour conversation. He said he might be moving, and that he doesn't want a LDR. That leaves me with only one option when he leaves: moving to where he is eventually. He was VERY upset before I told him that I'd consider moving. Yes, he will likely move - he pretty much has to in order to make a living in his chosen profession.

 

But I do not believe for a second that he doesn't care about me as much as I do him, and would continue in this relationship with me if we were in the same place, regardless of how we got there.

[NYCHottie]

Youve known him for TWO months! Chill out!!!

 

I am telling you that guys are not confrontational and will do all they can to not hurt someone. He told you he is moving on without you and does NOT want a LDR. You carry on by crying and saying ILL MOVE WITH YOU!!!

 

Now he has got to be thinking your overly needy and a little crazy. Who offers to give up their life for someone they have dated for two months, no I love yous have been said, NO talk of commitment and future. Do you not see how this comes off? If I were him Id be thinking now I have to worry about how you may crack when he does go.

 

I think your in denial because you dont want to face up to the fact that is trying to dump you in advance. He is giving you NO hope for a future so I dont understand why you are trying to make it up in your mind.

[Lauriebell82]

He didn't discourage me or in any way suggest that I shouldn't consider moving. But he didn't respond in a way to suggest that he liked the idea either. In a previous conversation where I mentioned the possibility, he seemed to perk up. But during this particular conversation, he seemed neutral notwithstanding his change of tune from fatal to hopeful.

 

I basically went from feeling like our relationship was over at the beginning of the conversation to feeling like we have a real chance here at the end.

 

Aww, SG I feel for you. I know how confused I was last year the first couple months of my relationship. Anyway, this situation has to be a toughy. He said he doesn't know if you have a future because he is torn about your career..ok he is being honest. He means it. If there is anything I have learned in the past 1.5 years, it's that guys generally say what they mean.

 

I don't know about the moving thing, I mean even if it IS months down the line, I still think that might not be the best idea. I know its hard to think rationally and sensibility when you are in love (you know that I have learned this!) but in this situation you are going to have to think with your brain and not your heart and another poster said. The reason you are feeling confused, is because he is very confused. He is probably torn between caring for you and your relationship, to other things going on in his life (his career). I think your best course of action is to tell him honestly how you feel. Not neccessarily that you are in love with him, but tell him that you care about your relationship and want things to work out. Then let him take the reins. You really are going to have to pull back, JUST A LITTLE. Not "build a wall" but let him work out whatever is going on in his head. He is confused, you know this. Just tell him that you care about your relationship, you want it to work out, and you understand his confusion. Tell him you will support him. And see what happens..

[Star Gazer]

Thanks, K.

 

BF had two pretty horrible endings to LDRs. Had he not had those experiences, I think he'd have no concerns. But having that experience, I can understand his desire not to have a LDR if he can avoid it.

 

That's all I'm hoping for - that he avoids a LDR and finds a way to stay here.

[whichwayisup]

I'm really torn here. I have two frames of mind on this..

 

1)You love him and I'm pretty sure he loves you, though after 4 months - he should know what he feels...You certainly know. TELL HIM. Lay it out there and just say it.

-If you think he's worth it, then move, give the relationship a chance to grow into something more serious. If you don't go, you may regret it for the rest of your life. If it doesn't workout, atleast you tried...Honestly, I would go for it just because this is an opportunity..

 

-Communication is so important and who cares if you make a fool of yourself. Just speak from your heart, tell him your fears, your worries, everything. If he cares and loves you as much as I think he does, then he will respect your thoughts and react appropriately (ie, give you the same respect back and openly talk about what he feels too)...

 

2)My other train of thought is, let him go, keep intouch ofcourse and see how life is apart. If you two are missing eachother alot and feel you don't want to be apart, then move. BUT, do not look at it as you're giving up everything for him - It's just the circumstances that have put you in this position - He isn't asking you to move, yet in a way he is. Hope this makes sense.

[whichwayisup]

that he avoids a LDR and finds a way to stay here

 

That isn't going to happen because he's already decided to move. Don't entertain that thought SG.

He told you he is moving on without you and does NOT want a LDR

 

He is more or less saying that he cannot handle a LDR. That doesn't mean he wants to break up with her, he's just saying that he isn't one to do LDR. And, his mood changed, became abit peaceful after she said maybe I'll move - He didn't seem that upset by that thought....Though he doesn't want it to seem like "if you want me, move with me", it's not malcious, it's heartfelt and I think the guy really is confused, just like she is.

[Star Gazer]

He isn't asking you to move, yet in a way he is. Hope this makes sense.

 

That's how I felt that night.

 

He was saying, "I will probably leave, and I really don't want a LDR because I don't want you here and me there. So I don't know what to do."

 

After I said that I would consider moving, he was all about seeing where this goes, running the same course, not letting anything change...but again, with no promises.

 

I can't explain it well right now, but I felt like he was telling me that the only way he saw us working out for the long term was if I followed him where ever he goes. I can understand that, because if I were in his shoes, I'd probably be subliminally asking him to follow me as well.