Bemused gal Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Hi, Would like some advice on an ex that just won't go away. I was in a relationship with a workaholic for one and a half years..hence the usual feeling rather alone, lack of time spent..etc etc. He was also younger than me and not ready to commit..so after hanging round..i finally decided to leave. I've been very much happier since, I've been dating sporadically and I met a guy I really really uber duber like. So its been cool. The problem is. having left, my ex won't leave me alone. He calls me up all the time, and tells me he misses me, and basically all the sweet things that I would have been happy to hear..but I could not care less anymore. I've tried saying mean things to him..emasculating him..telling him how happy I am that I am dating other guys, but nothing works. I know the best thing is to ignore him, but we've had one and a half years together where we had to support each other through tough times..and I don't want to do that to him. So an important day is coming up for me..and my X (one of his many skills is being a painter), says he has spent the past 3 days painting a portrait of me. And he never does that for any girl he has dated. And I don't want to take it because I don't want to lead him on. And I'm not really sure how to tell him to stop wasting his time. And if this goes on, I don't want the other guy to find out. So I know I'm just being soft hearted and to cut contact, but would like some ideas on how to do this kindly, and how to help this guy get over it faster..especially from guys, how should I do this? And reject the portrait.. Thanks
D-Lish Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 I would just cut contact. He had his chance, and he blew it. You can't help him to move on by staying in touch. Stop taking his calls and responding to him. That is the only way. You don't have to waste your time and energy re-breaking up with someone you aren't dating anymore.... This is his problem to deal with, you've already done your part.
truckdriving Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 I would stop all contact and there would be no way I would accept that painting, it will just lead him on. honestly though he sounds like the stalker type, if he doesnt stop trying to contact you after you have told him to or if you feel threatened I would get a restraining order. Stalkers are no joke and this guy has it written all over him.
shockandawed Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 I am not too sure I would label him a stalker. Bemused doesn't say how long they have been broken up. If it is fairly recent, then it sounds more like heartbreak. She told him why she was leaving, now he is hellbent on showing he is a changed person. A classic case of not realizing what he had until it was gone. Too bad, I am sure he never meant for that to happen. It's just too easy to take things for granted and let life happen. Anyway Bemused, if you're heart is closed to him now and you have moved on, then you must avoid contact with him to allow him to realize it is over and move on himself. It hurts, but its the only way he will heal and get over it. Seriously, it is a true act of kindness on your part. I have been on both sides of this fence, and know full hand the emotional rollercoaster he is on when you have contact. If your nice to him, he sees it as a sign. If you are crappy, then he thinks you are hurting to, another sign and on and on. As long as he thinks his mistakes are repairable and you stay in contact, then he is going to hang on. I would send him an email or note. Don't list the reasons you left again, all this does is give him areas to dispute. Simply say something along the following lines.... Ex boyfriend, I am writing this to you because I want to clarify something. While we had a nice time together, I have totally and completely moved on. I no longer have any feelings for you. I know that is not what you want to hear, but it is the way it is and I owe you this honesty so you may be able to do the same. Please do not contact me in any manner. I will not respond to any communications going forward. I am not doing this to be mean, but to allow us both the space to move along in our lives. In time, after we have both gotten over this, we may be able to communicate as friends, but we will need considerable time first. I cherish the memories we had and feel I am a better person as a result of our relationship. I truly hope you are as well. You are a wonderful person and I really hope nothing but the best for you in all you do. It's to the point and doesn't allow him anything to really counter attack on. Yet, you don't leave with you coming across as a cold hearted b.....Nothing really to hate you about here either. Of course, once you send this, you have to follow through. Do not accept his calls or provide him with any response. It will be tough at first, but he will accept it and move one. If for some reason he doesn't, then take stalker action.
Author Bemused gal Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 yeah we broke up around 2 months back.... It really makes me sad to see him like that. He called me and I told him for his sake..I'm no longer going to pick up his calls. And then he said is there anything he could do..and I said no. I think he's going to send me the oil painting anyway..but I told him I will keep it as a momento of past, but there is no future ever. thats it. I know I did the right thing, but it makes me sad.
Lauriebell82 Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 yeah we broke up around 2 months back.... It really makes me sad to see him like that. He called me and I told him for his sake..I'm no longer going to pick up his calls. And then he said is there anything he could do..and I said no. I think he's going to send me the oil painting anyway..but I told him I will keep it as a momento of past, but there is no future ever. thats it. I know I did the right thing, but it makes me sad. Oh geez, 2 months is not very long to get over a break up after being dumped. (Not saying that to be mean, you had good reason to break up with him). I don't think he's stalking you or doing this on purpose, he just is having a hard time letting go..it's understandable and I've been there. It's very hard to stop talking to someone you are in love with. You said that you told him you aren't going to take his calls..did you say you wouldn't accept the painting? If he tries to give it to you DON'T accept it, even though you said you weren't going to get back with him, he might warp it into thinking there is hope. Saying that you are keeping it as a "momento" might make him think you still care for him even if you don't. Honestly, I wouldn't accept it. You did the right thing..don't accept his calls or any gifts..eventually he will stop calling once he starts to get over the breakup.
Author Bemused gal Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 okay. I feel horrible that he is sad. I wish he would be happy and get over it and find himself someone awesome that will be more suitable for him. He is young and will get over it. There's really nothing I can do for him at this point besides not talk to him. Thanks everyone for listening anyway.
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