sedgwick Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 I'm so sick of this heartache. This is so stupid. I'm literally traumatized over this breakup, to the point that I really think if I ran into him on the street I'd turn into a pile of sniveling goo. My friend said to me tonight that she had talked to a male friend of hers who had met me once, several years ago, and when she mentioned my name and told him my boyfriend and I had recently broken up, he said, "What was he thinking? She's so beautiful." My friend said, "She thinks she's not," and he said, "How could any guy make her feel like she's not beautiful?" This kind of stuff happens to me. Men say I'm beautiful with, I guess, some regularity. It doesn't mean anything to me. I'm covered in tattoos, I also get told I'm ugly. People are going to think what they're going to think. But yeah, a few of my friends have told me lately that their male friends thought I was hot. And while that's nice to hear, it still doesn't mean anything, because it's not enough to get my ex back. I've convinced myself he hates me because the last time we spoke he was so cold. He wasn't the person I thought I knew. He went on and on about honesty and how it took him time to fall in love and that when he told me he loved me I could be sure he meant it. He said he didn't sleep with anyone he didn't love. So I thought what we had was a serious relationship. We were together for almost a year, and friends for a year before that. Every time we were around each other we talked until we passed out. We never shut up, we made each other laugh, he was so amazing. He was my BEST FRIEND. I've never believed in love at first sight, until I met him. The first time I saw him I said, "That's my husband." Today my cousin married a woman with whom he once broke up for several months. Recently a friend married a guy who freaked out and ran early on and then came back. But I talked to him twice in the two months after he dumped me, and both times he seemed to feel he'd done the right thing. I've had all his contact info blocked since August. I feel that he knows where I live and if he wants me back he can make an effort. He can show up at my place. He can send me flowers. He can send me a love letter. My friends say they wouldn't go to someone's apartment either if that person was ignoring them. But does he even know I'm ignoring him? Has he tried to get in touch with me? Has he looked at my myspace? He deleted all my comments off his early on, and then I stopped looking at it. I'm driving myself crazy. Everywhere I go in the city reminds me of him, and I'm always afraid he's going to jump out from behind a building. I think I see his friends everywhere I go. If he doesn't want to be with me, I don't ever want to see him again, and if I saw him by accident I know I'd just cry. I can't get over thinking that he hates me, and I can't get over feeling like a terrible, inadequate person. I don't know if we have a chance or how to approach it. I just feel like couples like us don't come along very often. You don't connect with someone like that very many times in your life. Or maybe he was lying to me and it happens to him all the time. Maybe I'm one in a million. I just wish I could quit with the dream that he'll come to his senses and come find me. Sorry this is so long. I don't expect anyone to still be reading it. I just needed to rant because sometimes it feels like I'll never get better. God, I love him so much. And he is a smelly hillbilly. Ugh ugh ugh. Okay, goodbye.
Lee725 Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Hi Sedgwick, There probably isnt much i can say that you have not heard on here before. I just wanted to say that i did read your post and i really hope that it gets better for you soon. I once had a connection like that with a guy and it took years to reach a point of being "comfortable" with what had happened to us. It took me a year to "Get over him", to the point where i could date with confidence again, but still to this day i look back and think about the connection we had and i still have the love letters that he wrote me, we still chat now almost every week, but it has taken almost 10 years to get to this point. He is married now with 2 sons, and i can tell you it was salt in an old wound when i found out she was pregnant with what should have been "my child" (psyco statement i know). The feeling you have now will change i can assure you, i just hope that it is sooner rather than later for your sake. Rant all you like, i will read. *HUGS* Lee
lovesparis Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 I feel that he knows where I live and if he wants me back he can make an effort. He can show up at my place. He can send me flowers. He can send me a love letter that's what i want to do with my ex, but b/c i was the dumpee, instead of the dumper it turns me into the "psycho ex gf"
Author sedgwick Posted December 10, 2007 Author Posted December 10, 2007 yeah, that psycho ex-gf thing really sucks, doesn't it? i want to chase after my ex too, but i absolutely refuse to. i already feel like i begged and pleaded enough when he dumped me; now it's time to walk away and leave him alone. it's so hard!
lovesparis Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 i def did more begging and pleading during the breakup than i ever did before (meaning: i begged and pleaded at all) but i can't let him go forever. at somepoint, i will try for him again. it just has to be when i'm clear with what and who i want and whether or not i'm willing to work for it. i guess the difference is, i made at least one huge mistake, which caused him to leave. from what i understand from your story, you didn't do anything. he just ass-ended you. and for that i'm sorry. i admire your strength though, sedgwick. you're reminding me of myself before i let my feelings loose.
XxBacktoBlackXx Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Hi Sedgwick! I just wanted to let you know that I always read your posts. I find them very interesting; not that I take pleasure in your pain by any means, but I feel like I really understand your situation. It's definitely not the same exact one and I rarely talk about it on here, but I know exactly how painful it is to feel so upset and distraught over a major heartbreak. Do you have Private Messenger turned on? If not, it's okay. I was wondering because normally when you reach a certain amount of posts on LS, you can get these but I noticed you don't have yours turned on. Well, I hope you feel better though I know that's definitely a tall order. I think you're a very courageous lady!
brothermartin Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 All this stuff you put on here about ignoring him and not letting him get to you, do you really think that's what you're doing? I honestly don't think its HIM you want back. I think it's YOU you want back. You want back the person you were when you were with him. And for some reason, you seem to think that by getting him back, you'll get back the person you liked so much in yourself. The truth is, you are still that person. You just gotta stop burying her under all these memories of him, and let her come out. I got your back champ. No matter what.
Freddy Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Love bites! Heartaches suck! I'm sick of this too!
Surfer Girl Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 It is very hard to think the one we knew were the love of our life is not so now.... At the very least give yourself credit for not contacting him... Hugs..... Vent, do what you have to do.... You know as well as others by not contacting him.... you are saving your self respect....
brothermartin Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 It is very hard to think the one we knew were the love of our life is not so now.... At the very least give yourself credit for not contacting him... Hugs..... Vent, do what you have to do.... You know as well as others by not contacting him.... you are saving your self respect.... I knew there was a reason I wasn't contacting my ex. Thank you SURFER GIRL. I had forgotten.
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