nella Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 I have been with my wife for 13 years (six married) and have never cheated on her. However, for the first time ever I am very tempted by my coworker (I'll call her Mary). I just can't get my mind off of her. I never thought I would enjoy going to work on Mondays and be upset on Fridays. I love spending time with her and have come to find her to be tremendously sexy. When I first met her I never would have thought that I would fall for her. She just has some kind of strange "magic" over me. The problem too is that I dont just see her in a sexual way - I also care for her emotionally as well. We work very closely together for 40 hours a week and have become very close friends even though we are both married with children. However, this has led to tremendous stress and tension for me. I know Mary, to some extent, feels the same way I do and has some of the same frustrations. However, I dont know how deep her feelings are or what her motives are? For a long time I thought our relationship at work was very playful and innocent. We both constantly poke at each other and bump each other when we walk by (we work in a pharmacy) and just have fun all day. We are always making jokes back and forth to each other - many laced with sexual innuendos. The radio will be on at work and some sexual song will come on and we will both just look at each other and shake our heads and grin. I never knew what to make of all of this? Just two married people innocently flirting with each other at work or was there more. Then, within the last two months or so she has really told me some stuff that has me boggled. One day we were talking about dreams we had had and she told me that it was a good thing that she doesn't talk in her sleep. I asked here why and she said she doesnt want her husband to here her moaning my name in her wet dream. At first aI thought she was joking but she was serious. She has also started telling me about her sex life a lot more and even tells me when she has on sexy underwear from VIC SEC. She has even pulled down the back of her pants to show me them twice. We even joke about having an affair. One time I said something about wishing I could things both ways and she said what they dont know doesnt hurt them. What confusses me even more is that fact that when we are alone together (we drive to work sometimes) she acts totally different. She really doesnt flirt that much and just keeps rambling on talking about inane things. She is in the process of trying to get pregnant but even that adds to the confussion. She recently told me that she is only happy in her marriage maybe 10% of the time. I have never asked her but I think she feels that a baby will make her marriage and life happier. I dont know if the flirting she does with me is just a way of making herself feel good or if she really wants to do things with me like have sex. I dont know if I would but I would be damned tempted to. These mixed messages really have me confussed. I dont know? Is she just getting off on playing with fire or is she really sincere. To me telling a person that you have wet dreams about them is more than just flirting without intent behind it. Has anyone else gone through a similar situation or have any advice? Sorry this was so long but just writing this made me a little better.
reboot Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 have any advice?Let your wife read this post and see what her advice is.
whichwayisup Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 Ego ego and more ego...For both of you. That's all this is and if you don't stop flirting and put up boundries, you will cross the line. She is testing you, just like you are her. Fact that you're thinking about this is dangerous too...You're very close to having an affair, though it seems you two are having an emotional affair already. If you want to have alot of drama, more confusion and tons of heartache, then go screw her. Just be aware that you will be betraying your wife, killing off ANY real love, trust and faith that you have in your marriage. Do you have children? If so, consider them in all this. Your wife does NOT deserve this treatment from you, if you are unhappy in your marriage and some needs are not being met by your wife, talk to her and fix things. Make your own marriage more exciting! I mean, when was the last time you wooed your own wife, brought her flowers, took her out to dinner and had a good time? Maybe spend more effort and energy into your wife then you won't need to seek attention from your co-worker. Read more in this forum to learn what NOT to do, then go take a peak at the infidelity section so you can see the damage that is done to a marriage, how a betrayed spouse feels once they realize their world has been turned upside down by a cheating spouse.
princess_chaos Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 Well, whichwayisup pretty much nailed it all in that great reply. The 'playing' is very much ego based. You both get to have the security of home life and still feel very attractived to and by someone else. It's a powerful thing. Having said that, if your wife or her hubby finds out that so much sexual tension is going on between the two of you, the home life won't be too secure after that. Behavior like this isn't friendly to the marriage. In fact it takes away and erodes the very foundation of marriage. It's a slippery slope and once you slip, there is no going back.
norajane Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 Let your wife read this post and see what her advice is. Exactly. And then imagine your wife pulling down her pants to show off her underwear to some guy she has wet dreams about. What would you think of your wife if she did something like that? That's just skanky, sorry, but it's true. You're playing with fire, and if you continue, you will lose your wife, and your life as now know it. It's just a matter of time.
CallMeCrazy Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 All I can say, is that if you feel tormented about what to do now, that will only be the beginning... I would strongly advise anyone considering an A to RUN the other direction. Try to transfer to another store or change jobs/companies if you can... It's not worth it. The pain, heartache and stress is more than words can describe. Unless you're the kind of person who can have a purely physical relationship and not grow to care about Mary, you're just asking for pain. Not only that, but it could destroy your relationship with your W. Are you positive that you're willing to risk all of that? It's kind of like back in the day when our parents try to warn us about sex before marriage, right!? No one ever thinks you'll actually get someone pregnant, or you'll get a disease. But it happens. There's a reason why people say don't have affairs.... you're opening Pandora's box. This is coming from someone who is in an A with a MM that I work with.... the lies and secrecy, especially at work, will start to drive you crazy. Trust me on this one. I guess I'd advise you to really think about what is wrong with your M. Maybe you need to take your W shopping to Vic Sec and get her some new stuff to put the heat back into things at home?? Or just start doing more exciting and fun things together like it was when you were dating... Good luck!!
Blue Eyed Brain Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 She and you both want more than what you already have. The point is whether or not anything will happen. That, my dear, is up to you. She is giving you all the signals that she is receptive to you and probably would be to your advance, if you make one. You really need to weigh the situation. You work with her, so HR could be a factor. If she changes her mind, then you look silly. However, if you do nothing, eventually she will get fustrated and you will enter the friend zone. It's up to you.
Lizzie60 Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 my A with my MM from work started pretty much the same way... we joked, sent email, blablabla.. flirted, teased, etc... then we end up in bed... He fell hard for me... I didn't... now I can say that we are both having fun... at one time, he wanted to leave his wife for me... I refused. I don't want anyone in my life... so now, he is satisfied with whatever time I can give him. We chatted every day at work (MSN) then we email every evening, sometimes for hours. It works for us. Just put everything up front (ie if you don't intend to leave your family, tell her, and vice-versa, be honest with your intentions). Can you totally trust her? That she won't fall for you, then 'blackmail' you.. What if one of the spouse find out? Then what? You have to be prepared to all eventualities. I find that when an A is 'upfront' no one is guessing the other's intentions, it's works much better, and is not 'stressing' for anyone.
frannie Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 I have been with my wife for 13 years (six married) and have never cheated on her. However, for the first time ever I am very tempted by my coworker (I'll call her Mary). I just can't get my mind off of her... What you're doing is focusing on the chase, and whether she does or doesn't want you, and I think that's about you wanting to feel wanted. So, if I were you I'd stop wondering about Mary and her life and start sorting your own life out at home. Do you think your wife doesn't want you any longer..? How has that happened? Concentrate on that end of things, and leave Mary to flirt with someone else. Just take things to their logical conclusion here... what is having sex with Mary going to do to your life, to your marriage, your working environment and your future..? Think worst-case scenario, because that's almost certainly what it will be. Check out threads in Infidelity if you need help with the details
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