opiate54 Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 hey everyone, i'm new here and thought I would share my situation to get some help. Anyways, here it goes, I have been dating my GF for close to 6 years now, we started dating when we were 16 years old and now we are 22. As of late, almost the past year or so actually our relationship has been in a slow decline. We hang out everyday and have our fair share of laughs but about 80% of the time its pretty miserable. I don't know what it is but i almost feel like we have become to comfortable with each other and instead of being boyfriend and girlfriend we are just good friends. she never wants to be intimate with me anymore. I would say we have sex maybe once or twice a month. its pretty bad. I try to live a pretty active lifestyle and all she ever wants to do is sit at home and watch TV and I feel obligated to stay home with her. I transferred to a university a year ago to san diego from northern california and she followed me down here. To be honest I have had a miserable time because it has been really hard for me to meet any new people in this area because she moved down here also. Due to the reason of her always wanting to stay in and then she gets mad at me for wanting to go out. Anyways i'll stop rambling about my issues and get to the real concern. I have had an urge to break up with her for awhile now but I just don't know how or if I should stay in this relationship and work to make it better, because I do love the girl, I have pretty much grown up with her for a good portion of my life but now that I am about to graduate college and you know start my "real life", I don't really see us being a good fit anymore. Another concern I have is since we have been together for so long now is I feel she relies on me for a lot of things especially since I am like her only friend and if I left her, she would be crushed and try to hurt herself. Of course I don't want that to happen and I almost feel like that is one of the reasons why I am still in this relationship. Anyways any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. well thank you in advance for your replys
maynicholas Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 If it isn't working anymore than you should in all fairness to the both of you end it. You both still young, it's ok. In July I finally ended an 11 year relationship, so it will be hard. I felt the same way you do in the fact that we had grown up together. We started dating at 19, I'm now 30. I would have much rather have had it end when I was yournger than to be back on the dating scene at 30. But, still I'm glad it ended. I was the one who always wanted to stay at home, and my laziness made him not want to go out. When I did want to go out, he never had the motivation to go. We were best friends, rarely had sex, and had grown up together like the two of you. If you are worried about her hurting herself, give her family a call and let them know what is coming so they can get a support system in place for her. My ex had some problems like that years ago, so I was concerned as well. But he is fine. You don't need to stay together out of fear of hurting her, or of losing her. If you really want to stay together because you can see yourself marrying her, then stay and look into counseling. But if your staying for comfort and fear of the unknown, then cut the strings, let yourself heal, and move on.
Lovegod Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 Okay, let's look at the red flags here: Due to the reason of her always wanting to stay in and then she gets mad at me for wanting to go out. You have a right to have a life. She is welcome to come along with you, or she can stay at home. You're allowing her to control you when you let her anger keep you at home. She knows exactly how to make you do whatever she wants. That's not a good thing. When you give into a woman's bad behavior, it's like you're rewarding your dog for 5hitting on the carpet. They will continue to do it over and over again because they like the results. Another concern I have is since we have been together for so long now is I feel she relies on me for a lot of things This is also not a good thing. She needs to have a life of her own and be somewhat independent of you. It sounds like she's become lazy, and you're catering to ALL of her needs. I've been in that position, and it's difficult as hell carrying the burden of yourself and someone else. She needs to carry her own weight. I am like her only friend and if I left her, she would be crushed and try to hurt herself. Yet another bad thing. People say that your mate should be your best friend, but there should be a line to draw between "friend" and "lover". She should have a best friend outside of her relationship with you because it keeps that fine line drawn. Also, what does "try to hurt herself" mean? Sounds like she's been controlling you with threats (or actually going through) with "cutting" or suicide attempts. This is not your problem, it is hers. If she is really doing this, get on the phone and call a suicide prevention line and ask for help. Now, the bottom line is you're obviously no longer happy in this relationship. The best thing for you and her is to end it. She can gain back her independence and you can get yours.
spookie Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 It sounds like the reason your relationship is so miserable is because she is completely dependent on you. If you love her and a part of you WOULD like to stay together, just with some changes, maybe you can start with encouraging her to live her own life. Tell her that you cannot stay in and watch television with her all day long, that there are thigns you'd like to do and she has to learn to cope with that. On the other hand, if you feel like the problems are bigger, that you have come to the end of the road, something that happens OFTEN with these kinds of relationships, then I think it's best you end it now instead of dragging it out for a few more months. It's nice of you to worry about her ability to deal with the breakup, but she is stronger than you think and this is actually going to be good for her. Incredibly painful, yes, but after some time she's emerge knowing more about herself and her strength than she ever could have learned being with you. And same goes for you. We learn a lot in relationships but there are some things we can only learn alone. Congrats on almost being done with college! Exciting, isn't it? I have one semester left too and I can't wait to find out what adulthood is all about.
Author opiate54 Posted December 9, 2007 Author Posted December 9, 2007 Thank you all for replying, i will take all of your great advice into consideration. You are all right I do just need to end things because things have just gotten bad. Now I just need to find a way to do that, because I have never done that before. any advice?
sumdude Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 Thank you all for replying, i will take all of your great advice into consideration. You are all right I do just need to end things because things have just gotten bad. Now I just need to find a way to do that, because I have never done that before. any advice? Have the two of you talked about the relationship, how you feel about things? Or has this been one of those quiet growing apart situations where neither really wants to face it? The best thing is to be as open and honest about it as humanly possible. Take it slow at first but in the end the break needs to be quick and clean. Breaking up a very long relationship is like an emotional amputation. Get her prepared and then make it quick in the end.
truckdriving Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 I agree with Sumdude, be open and honest and make it fast. Breaking up from a long term relationship like this is going to be painful anyways, dragging it out any longer will just make it all the more unbearable.
Love_Lifee Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 breaking up with someone that you have spent so much time with is never going to be easy. you should confront her and tell her how you truly feel. maybe she will understand and try to change her ways, or she could be feeling the same way.talking to her would either make it or break it..communication is major key in relationships..
JCD Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Absolutely, you two need to talk about your relationship and what each one wants out of it. Also, just because your real life is just starting don't think you won't need her to support you in hard times that follow. Please think about that because life is a bitch sometimes.
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