washingtonlady Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 I hate to refer to the people in this forum as cheaters. I was one, and I think that many things contribute to this and the result is cheating. Anyway, with that said... As a fellow cheater, I just wondered if anyone other than myself, has ever been involved in an A and then busted, only to continue to cover the A up and convince the H or W that the A is over. Then continue having the A. I was busted, 6 months ago, yet continued to try to cover it up for some time. I am now D but, he is still in the cover up stage. It goes on and on a long time. It seems that the time is never right to come out with it. I hope someday it will all be behind us, I am so tired of living a lie.
imstunned Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 Im not a cheater - I was an unknowing other woman - but I have spent a little time recently on a forum called private affairs - real eye opener. Most of the posters there are married and having affiars. Probably why they dont post on here - they are busy posting about how not to get busted, etc over there.
kymberann Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 Are you still in the A with the OM? Are you waiting around to see if he will eventualy leave and do what you did? I wasn't the cheater, although by some technicality someone wolud call me a cheater as I was an active participant. It is iwhat it is. But for you why did you continue the A after being busted. Your reasons are probably the same as others. Did your marriage end because of the A or was there a combination of things? Best to you Kim
Author washingtonlady Posted December 9, 2007 Author Posted December 9, 2007 My marriage ended because of many things, however, the affair was really what pushed us over the edge. It is very much the same with my MM. He and his current W have many problems in their marriage. We were both open to the A only because we were both hurting in our marriages. It is a very sad thing to be lonely but not alone. Anyway, now he is waiting on his daughter to graduate from HS this spring, and dosent want to disrupt her world her senior year, with grades and all. His wife continues to be distant with him. I know she is hurting after finding out about us last summer, but she is not doing anything to rebuild their marriage either. He and I have grown so close, and we both talk and plan for that time when it is all behind us and we are together.
Author washingtonlady Posted December 9, 2007 Author Posted December 9, 2007 Yeah, you got me there> It really does take two to rebuild a marriage. Duh I guess that it is not a realistic approach to expect her to rebuild what he and I destroyed. But, damage is already done. His feelings for her are nothing more than obligation at this point and that is not enough to rebuild a marriage on. It is always a sad thing when a marriage is destoyed. I just want to move on with a life beyond this and I want him to be a part of that. I know that is wrong but it is how I feel.
Cobra_X30 Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 I hate to refer to the people in this forum as cheaters. I was one, and I think that many things contribute to this and the result is cheating. Anyway, with that said... As a fellow cheater, I just wondered if anyone other than myself, has ever been involved in an A and then busted, only to continue to cover the A up and convince the H or W that the A is over. Then continue having the A. I was busted, 6 months ago, yet continued to try to cover it up for some time. I am now D but, he is still in the cover up stage. It goes on and on a long time. It seems that the time is never right to come out with it. I hope someday it will all be behind us, I am so tired of living a lie. WL, I think sometimes people want to avoid making tough choices. If you really want it... you may have to force his hand! I've got a bigger question for you! Why are there so many of us from EW on this site?
Author washingtonlady Posted December 9, 2007 Author Posted December 9, 2007 That is a very good question!! Must be the weather! I dont know, but I appreciate your view. I suppose I might need to help him make that move but I only want him to make it when he is totally ready. I dont want to push him into anything and later find he was not ready.
stampdaddy Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 WL, I think sometimes people want to avoid making tough choices. If you really want it... you may have to force his hand! I've got a bigger question for you! Why are there so many of us from EW on this site? DON'T FORCE HIS HAND... let his daughter get through her Senior year... Trust him that he'll make the move after that (not the next day, but very soon afterward at least see "movement")
Author washingtonlady Posted December 10, 2007 Author Posted December 10, 2007 DON'T FORCE HIS HAND... let his daughter get through her Senior year... Trust him that he'll make the move after that (not the next day, but very soon afterward at least see "movement") I have NO problem trusting him or letting his daughter finish her senior year. He had an A, I really dont think he can never be trusted or I wouldnt be with him. I agree, that she needs to have that stability right now and then I will want more from him. I believe he will pull through.
whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 I guess time will tell... In the meantime you shouldn't "wait" for him and put your own life on hold, otherwise you could be waiting for many years to come...
Author washingtonlady Posted December 10, 2007 Author Posted December 10, 2007 I wont wait forever. I have limits. I will be very shocked if he does not follow through. We are both in this way too far, and have already given so much for this that I really do believe in him. I am scared, dont get me wrong, but all I can do is follow my heart. I know it sounds crazy, maybe it is, but I am in this too far now and I have invested my heart.
Cobra_X30 Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 That is a very good question!! Must be the weather! I dont know, but I appreciate your view. I suppose I might need to help him make that move but I only want him to make it when he is totally ready. I dont want to push him into anything and later find he was not ready. LOL... the weather! Probably true! Listen, it's your job to press him. Understand that he has to take his kids into consideration... but if its going to happen... it really doesnt matter so much when! Chances are the kids know things are not right anyway! Once you get the ability feel free to PM me anytime.
Author washingtonlady Posted December 10, 2007 Author Posted December 10, 2007 He has been married for 34 years. He is not just a guy that jumps from one relationship to another because he feels a little bored. But. if he was, you would have a valid point. I just know him better than that. And I was married for 27 years. Thats a long time. Not just got bored, sex was ho hum, so I wanted more, there was way more to it than that!
cj1988 Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Maybe you will end up together and when and if you do, it will be boring as well. Not at first, but the excitement from an A is what keeps you hanging, You may get him and he get you and then no want it....you always want what you cannot have....a stupid game !
just_new Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 I hate to refer to the people in this forum as cheaters. I was one, and I think that many things contribute to this and the result is cheating. Anyway, with that said... As a fellow cheater, I just wondered if anyone other than myself, has ever been involved in an A and then busted, only to continue to cover the A up and convince the H or W that the A is over. Then continue having the A. I was busted, 6 months ago, yet continued to try to cover it up for some time. I am now D but, he is still in the cover up stage. It goes on and on a long time. It seems that the time is never right to come out with it. I hope someday it will all be behind us, I am so tired of living a lie. Hmmm... am not married, but the married woman I'm involved with right now got busted by hubs when he was able to read my sweet messages to her... of course she convinced him that it didn't mean anything and downplayed it... he got mad and left for a couple of days, but came back with some "rules" about her staying away from my company and stopping our communication (which she's not doing, just being more discreet this time around)... there's a price to be paid too of course, like he's demanding that they do "it" everyday now, which wasn't the case before... of course, she has this technique for her to enjoy it too, like envision me as her partner during the deed... we haven't done "it" yet, so I really have no idea how she can imagine... but anyway she gets the results she wants... he's happy, she's happy... and we're still sharing sweet nothings over email, meeting each other from time to time... short dates, so far... don't really know how long this would last, or how long she plans to keep this lie... but I guess that's the burden of being in a situation where you have somebody else... I have a guy friend that's married, he still has this girlfriend/mistress which was already his "other girlfriend" even during when his current wife was still his official girlfriend... so I guess this would be an indefinite thing.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Not at first, but the excitement from an A is what keeps you hanging, You may get him and he get you and then no want it....you always want what you cannot have....a stupid game ! Excitement from an A...The reality is, it's just excitement from finding mutual respect and love in your R...Alot of people don't like to look at that way though...It's the same when you fall in love, period...It's just that no one calls it an addiction or gives it a negative connotation when the two parties are single...
cj1988 Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 I agree you do not pick and choose who you have feelings for, what I do not agree with is STAYING married if you are so IN LOVE with someone else, right? I do not care if you have 5 kids and a freakin mansion.....if you are in love, there should be no REASON to stay married to someone you are not in love with.......so, as most OW/OM find out, given a choice, they do not leave, most of the time....not all the time.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 I agree you do not pick and choose who you have feelings for, what I do not agree with is STAYING married if you are so IN LOVE with someone else, right? You're exactly right, and that's why mine's going through his D now...
luvmy2ns Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Excitement from an A...The reality is, it's just excitement from finding mutual respect and love in your R...Alot of people don't like to look at that way though...It's the same when you fall in love, period...It's just that no one calls it an addiction or gives it a negative connotation when the two parties are single... The "mutual respect and love" is easy when you are only getting stolen moments (not YOU, but the general "you" as in most affairs) and not having to live the day in, day out BS of everyday life. Not having that normal everyday stuff intruding into the affair is what keeps it fresh and "romantic."
cj1988 Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Luv, you could not have said it better. The GOOD and THE BAD is what a marriage is and I of all people am not getting love or respect in mine. I coulc easly have an A, but I choose NOT to, because what does that say about me to ME. I have a gift, a gift of beling able to love someone no matter what, friends, family etc....I will not give into my own selfish needs to be filled by someone else other than me first. Most A are based on emotion at first and then the sex makes it even more UNREAL. Unless you live day in and day out with someone you do not know them anyway.....you do not smell their stinky feet, or their morning breath etc....you get the pic....all other is just a dream and a LIE......so, I feel good that I am not like cheaters that hide and ruin lives.....if anyone is going to ruin my life it will be ME and only ME.
Cobra_X30 Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 I agree you do not pick and choose who you have feelings for. Yes you do pick and choose who you have feelings for. Wandering through life with no emotional control... your just going to hurt yourself and everyone around you! Believe this and it will be so, for life is a game of perceptions!
Author washingtonlady Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 You got that right. Single, then fall in love. All is sunshine amd roses. Married, that is a different story. As it should be. However, not ever marriage is not all sunshine and roses either. I was 19 when I got married, now at 47 I have a whole different view on life, what I want, need, where I am going, things change, llife changes. Wish I had all the answers. I dont.
mattym Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 You got that right. Single, then fall in love. All is sunshine amd roses. Married, that is a different story. As it should be. However, not ever marriage is not all sunshine and roses either. I was 19 when I got married, now at 47 I have a whole different view on life, what I want, need, where I am going, things change, llife changes. Wish I had all the answers. I dont. Do you know for certain that he's going to leave his Wife when his daughter is done? Could he just be stringing you along until next years excuse? I don't mean to upset you, but could this be a possibility? Matt
Author washingtonlady Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 I really dont think so. It is scary to invest so much in someone else when all you have is a dream. But I believe it right now. I will just have to wait and see. Lots of weak or broken marriages fall apart after the kids are out of school or are grown. I think this is one of those.
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