forbidden fruit Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 It has been two months of my self imposed NC. Yesterday he returned something of mine under my door with a asterik on something he wanted me to read from it. It was about letting anger go and to not let my negative thoughts rule me. I just had to laugh. I would not be so angry with him if he wasn't such a narcissitic, lying, cheating, manipulative sorry excuse for a man.And yes I include myself as a liar and a cheat. Anyways over the last couple of days I keep running into him and I do not smile, do not move, pretend he does not exist. I get so mad just seeing him that I want to flip him off and scream at him, but I never will. Today I ran into him at the drugstore and he looked over at me and I looked right past him. I ran into my car and started screaming. He will never know that he still provokes a reaction in me because that is exactly what he wants. Someone please slap me because I can't understand for the life of me why this a****** still gets to me. I can't believe how fast love can go to hate.
SomethingsMissing Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 <SLAP!> Snap out of it! I wish someone had done that to me months ago. I know how you feel. Well, I don't, but I know a little bit of how you might feel. Good luck to you, and keep up the great NC rule. You'll inspire me and others to do the same!
stampdaddy Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 It has been two months of my self imposed NC. Yesterday he returned something of mine under my door with a asterik on something he wanted me to read from it. It was about letting anger go and to not let my negative thoughts rule me. I just had to laugh. I would not be so angry with him if he wasn't such a narcissitic, lying, cheating, manipulative sorry excuse for a man.And yes I include myself as a liar and a cheat. Anyways over the last couple of days I keep running into him and I do not smile, do not move, pretend he does not exist. I get so mad just seeing him that I want to flip him off and scream at him, but I never will. Today I ran into him at the drugstore and he looked over at me and I looked right past him. I ran into my car and started screaming. He will never know that he still provokes a reaction in me because that is exactly what he wants. Someone please slap me because I can't understand for the life of me why this a****** still gets to me. I can't believe how fast love can go to hate. SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!
White Flower Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP! Here's a slap from me, too. My mom told me once that there is a thin line between love and hate. Perhaps the hating helps us get over the loving?
addicted2love Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 He can still get a rise out of you because you still care. (not saying you still love him) You ignoring him probably gets to him, he seems like the kind of man that is all about the "chase". If you honestly didn't care one bit it would no longer bother you this way. If I had to guess I'd say that you still "care" for him because caring makes it feel like less of a mistake, caring helps you handle the pain and the guilt of the situation a little bit better. You hate him because seeing him around still get's under your skin. Him being "nice" to you is like salt in the wound I'd say. What consequence has he had in all of this? If I remember correctly you told your H about the A right? Does his W know? I'm not saying to tell her but I bet he would lose his "smugness" if he'd suffered any consequenses the way you have. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong....honestly I'm just guessing here. A2L
Author forbidden fruit Posted December 9, 2007 Author Posted December 9, 2007 He can still get a rise out of you because you still care. (not saying you still love him) You ignoring him probably gets to him, he seems like the kind of man that is all about the "chase". If you honestly didn't care one bit it would no longer bother you this way. If I had to guess I'd say that you still "care" for him because caring makes it feel like less of a mistake, caring helps you handle the pain and the guilt of the situation a little bit better. You hate him because seeing him around still get's under your skin. Him being "nice" to you is like salt in the wound I'd say. What consequence has he had in all of this? If I remember correctly you told your H about the A right? Does his W know? I'm not saying to tell her but I bet he would lose his "smugness" if he'd suffered any consequenses the way you have. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong....honestly I'm just guessing here. A2L Exactly why I am so mad. He has had no consequence in this. Over the last two years it ha been me who has struggled with this A trying to end it , but never suceeding because mm would feed me lines about how he and I wll be together and he would be there for me and take care of everything and how eventually we would be together. What a load of crap. However, when push came to shove he could not do it, but get this still wanted to be friends. Well the pain and the guilt got to be too much so I have kept firm on my NC. I told my H about the EA, but I am seriously considering telling him about the PA. It kills me to know xmm has suffered no consequences while everyone around him has been hurt by his actions. Instead he acts like it is all my fault and I should take the entire blame for the A. The irony is he would still be having the A if I gave him the green light that is how sick he is. He thinks as long as he does not caught then he can keep on doing it.
imstunned Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 I'll give you a big slap if you give me one back!! Just congratulate your self on how well you are doing. The fact that he isnt getting a rise out of you must be excruciating for him!!!!! Go you!!
TheDevilsBabe Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 myself personally, i think anger is a necessary stage of the process of getting over it. better than ignoring it and turning it into some misquided feeling that would only fester and create further turmoil for you. at least you acknowledge it, and as long as you chew it up and spit the distaste out...you will heal in time. Good for you not letting him see it! so, instead of a slap....i will...."clap, clap, clap!! There are three things you can utilize when placed in a situation dealing with an ex and there is anomosity, etc that help lead to empowering yourself and healing.... 1.) NEVER SAY HELLO OR GOODBYE its a respect thing, for we acknowledge even a stranger with those cilvilties and respect...so taking THAT away can be quite a statement to yourself. " I respect even a stranger MORE than YOU" "You are not entitled to even THAT simple civility from me." 2.) NEVER TAKE ANYTHING from his hand when he is reaching out to give it to you.......even if you want it, simply tell him to just set it down "over there." again, its a way of not acknowledging him...and right or wrong,yes, i know.... its kind of fun to see him jump threw a hoop and makes you feel more in control of the situation. after all, youve jumped threw enough for him. 3.) NEVER LOOK HIM IN THE EYES. focus on his cheekbone, forehead, his nose, or even on a portion of the background in his general direction if you can pull it off. The eyes have a tendency to make us weak...and being weak is not something we can afford. All that being said, I dont know if it fits your personal situation per se, but you still obviously do have contact with him occasionally and i thought i would throw it out there. Good luck
OpenBook Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 DevilsBabe, I could not disagree with you more. My advice would be the next time you run into him, look him square in the eye, give him a quick nod and hello (but do not smile at him) -- and keep right on going.
TheDevilsBabe Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 Perhaps I should of stated that "this has worked for me in the past" or "its been my experience that this helps" but, yes, i left that out. That being said.....i was simply offering a few keys i thought would maybe help in outlook when dealing with him. Thats all. Who knows, maybe some will file them away and utilize them someday in any given situation...and for sure, some will toss them out....either way...i was just throwing them out there.
TheDevilsBabe Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 On a second note OB, some exOW have no choice and have to deal with the ex "him" on a continual level, albeit workplace, social gatherings, etc...and its been my experience that finding and utilizing "keys" certainly does help. Its just knowing which ones work for you the individual person/circumstance. After all, id bet your key chain with your house keys, car keys, etc...does not appear to look like mine. Your keys may not work for me....nor mine you....We have different keys. Then again, there are times when, in a pinch, and for some reason our own keys are not working, miraculously, someone elses key may actually do the trick.
Meaplus3 Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 myself personally, i think anger is a necessary stage of the process of getting over it. better than ignoring it and turning it into some misquided feeling that would only fester and create further turmoil for you. at least you acknowledge it, and as long as you chew it up and spit the distaste out...you will heal in time. Good for you not letting him see it! so, instead of a slap....i will...."clap, clap, clap!! There are three things you can utilize when placed in a situation dealing with an ex and there is anomosity, etc that help lead to empowering yourself and healing.... 1.) NEVER SAY HELLO OR GOODBYE its a respect thing, for we acknowledge even a stranger with those cilvilties and respect...so taking THAT away can be quite a statement to yourself. " I respect even a stranger MORE than YOU" "You are not entitled to even THAT simple civility from me." 2.) NEVER TAKE ANYTHING from his hand when he is reaching out to give it to you.......even if you want it, simply tell him to just set it down "over there." again, its a way of not acknowledging him...and right or wrong,yes, i know.... its kind of fun to see him jump threw a hoop and makes you feel more in control of the situation. after all, youve jumped threw enough for him. 3.) NEVER LOOK HIM IN THE EYES. focus on his cheekbone, forehead, his nose, or even on a portion of the background in his general direction if you can pull it off. The eyes have a tendency to make us weak...and being weak is not something we can afford. All that being said, I dont know if it fits your personal situation per se, but you still obviously do have contact with him occasionally and i thought i would throw it out there. Good luck Great piece of advice here DB! This does work well. Not giving someone the time of day, is very powerful and this has worked wonder's for me. It's such a good way with out word's to say "I have NO resepect for you" your not worth one ounce of my time". AP:)
addicted2love Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 Exactly why I am so mad. He has had no consequence in this. Over the last two years it ha been me who has struggled with this A trying to end it , but never suceeding because mm would feed me lines about how he and I wll be together and he would be there for me and take care of everything and how eventually we would be together. What a load of crap. However, when push came to shove he could not do it, but get this still wanted to be friends. Well the pain and the guilt got to be too much so I have kept firm on my NC. I told my H about the EA, but I am seriously considering telling him about the PA. It kills me to know xmm has suffered no consequences while everyone around him has been hurt by his actions. Instead he acts like it is all my fault and I should take the entire blame for the A. The irony is he would still be having the A if I gave him the green light that is how sick he is. He thinks as long as he does not caught then he can keep on doing it. I strongly recommend that you do not tell your H about the PA. What good would it do either of you know. He's been very supportive and there's no reason to hurt him further. If you are done w/ the A and sticking to NC successfully then don't stir up more trouble for yourself. I had the feeling that exMM has suffered zero consequences. That's why he's able to be so flip and smug every time he sees you. I can also understand your feelings of hate toward him because of it. I know you've contemplated telling exMM's W but I don't think that would get you anywhere either. Your only choice at this point is to LET IT GO! Focus on your family and yourself. Remember the best revenge is success! So be the best you that you can be. Work on having the best M you can have. What's done is done you can't change it. Move on the best way you can. I think you are further along in this healing process then you give yourself credit for. This little set backs are very minor (hard to deal with at times but still minor.) Someone else said that the anger is part of the process. I agree. Ride it out, stay NC and eventually seeing him won't affect you at all anymore. A2L
addicted2love Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 myself personally, i think anger is a necessary stage of the process of getting over it. better than ignoring it and turning it into some misquided feeling that would only fester and create further turmoil for you. at least you acknowledge it, and as long as you chew it up and spit the distaste out...you will heal in time. Good for you not letting him see it! so, instead of a slap....i will...."clap, clap, clap!! There are three things you can utilize when placed in a situation dealing with an ex and there is anomosity, etc that help lead to empowering yourself and healing.... 1.) NEVER SAY HELLO OR GOODBYE its a respect thing, for we acknowledge even a stranger with those cilvilties and respect...so taking THAT away can be quite a statement to yourself. " I respect even a stranger MORE than YOU" "You are not entitled to even THAT simple civility from me." 2.) NEVER TAKE ANYTHING from his hand when he is reaching out to give it to you.......even if you want it, simply tell him to just set it down "over there." again, its a way of not acknowledging him...and right or wrong,yes, i know.... its kind of fun to see him jump threw a hoop and makes you feel more in control of the situation. after all, youve jumped threw enough for him. 3.) NEVER LOOK HIM IN THE EYES. focus on his cheekbone, forehead, his nose, or even on a portion of the background in his general direction if you can pull it off. The eyes have a tendency to make us weak...and being weak is not something we can afford. All that being said, I dont know if it fits your personal situation per se, but you still obviously do have contact with him occasionally and i thought i would throw it out there. Good luck I love this! Well done!
addicted2love Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 She wouldn't have had to hurt him further if she had told him about it in the first place. You advised her not to stir up more trouble for herself, what about her H? He is living a lie. He believes that they only had an EA, and all his actions in his marriage are based on what he believes, not the truth. How can a marriage survive without truth and honest. It is going to hurt him a lot worse if he finds out from someone else. We can't count on people to keep all our dirty little secrets. What if xMM's wife finds out and decides to tell her H? I told the ow spouse. It was not a good situation as he had given her the opportunity to come clean when he first became suspicious, she chose to lie. So when everything came to a head, her lies hurt him more, because she looked him in the face and lied. I just don't see how you can have the "best marriage possible" with some major lies still lurking around in the closet. I agree that she should have told him from the start. However if they've decided to reconcile, have been working on the marriage and are in a good place right now..or getting there, I think it would do more damage than good to tell him now and have to start that healing process all over again. He's already been hurt, why hurt him more. If she can let go of this anger toward MM and truly move on with her life then no one else needs to know. It's her cross to bare, her doing, her guilt. Not trying to start a fight here but I truly believe that the "details" don't matter. It's what she does from here on out that will make the difference in her M. Details only hurt a person further and cause more doubt. If her H was constantly asking her questions, wanting more details and needed that info from her then she should be honest and give him what he's asking for. If he's not then he's come to terms with it...let him move on in the healing process. At this stage of the situation I feel it would do more harm than good. A2L
addicted2love Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 Bent, In my experience as a BS the details were not as significant as the lies and deception for that is what caused me pain. Not the physical act in itself. I also found that the details served no purpose. You are correct sleeping with someone else isn't a "minor" detail. It hurts to know that someone you love has physically been with someone else. However in my case it wasn't the physical act that was so hard to get over it was, how did it get that far, were there emotions involved. It was easier to heal and move on when focusing on the "why" of infidelity and not the infidelity itself. If this couple has gotten passed the "why" stage and are moving forward taking steps to strengthen the M from this point forward what purpose would the physical details serve them NOW? To me that's just more salt in the wound. It should have been told in the beginning, back tracking now would only start them off at square one again or do them in completely. Yes the truth might come out one day or it may not. Let them cross that bridge if it happens. Yes the whole truth should have been dealt with in the beginning, but in this case it wasn't. I say that it is "her" cross to bare because she is the one that has to do the work to insure that it never happens again if she wants to keep her marriage intact. FF please chime in here and tell us your thoughts. A2L
PoshPrincess Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 FF, I think you have been (and still are) doing very well. So, his behaviour got to you? You didn't let it show to him, that's the main thing! I think you're doing brilliantly considering you can't avoid bumping into him from time to time. If I had half your strength I'd be doing ok. Keep up the good work! Be proud of yourself for what you have achieved so far!
wizer Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 I tried, but I just can't bring myself to slap you. Consider your ass officially spanked.
whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 FF, one day at a time. Keep things in perspective and just know that whatever anger you feel for him still will go away...A combo of you continuing to work on yourself, NC and time. It is cliche, but time does heal all wounds!
Author forbidden fruit Posted December 10, 2007 Author Posted December 10, 2007 Bent, In my experience as a BS the details were not as significant as the lies and deception for that is what caused me pain. Not the physical act in itself. I also found that the details served no purpose. You are correct sleeping with someone else isn't a "minor" detail. It hurts to know that someone you love has physically been with someone else. However in my case it wasn't the physical act that was so hard to get over it was, how did it get that far, were there emotions involved. It was easier to heal and move on when focusing on the "why" of infidelity and not the infidelity itself. If this couple has gotten passed the "why" stage and are moving forward taking steps to strengthen the M from this point forward what purpose would the physical details serve them NOW? To me that's just more salt in the wound. It should have been told in the beginning, back tracking now would only start them off at square one again or do them in completely. Yes the truth might come out one day or it may not. Let them cross that bridge if it happens. Yes the whole truth should have been dealt with in the beginning, but in this case it wasn't. I say that it is "her" cross to bare because she is the one that has to do the work to insure that it never happens again if she wants to keep her marriage intact. FF please chime in here and tell us your thoughts. A2L Yhanks fpr the great support. I have two things happening. 1) I am giving my m the time and energy it deserves and had been robbed of since I started the A. 2) I am still dealing with the guilty feelings of what I did to my h and kids and also the anger I feel for xmm. When I see xmm I imediately start sweating like a person that is afraid of getting more abuse. I get scared and angry when I see him. I feel like I have taken on the entire burden of the a while he is just going on like I was speed bump in his life. I know this is unhealthy thinking, but I can't help but wonder is he that much of a robot that he feels nothing and thinks he is not responsible for any of this. When i don't talk to him he looks at me like I have a choice in the matter. What does he want me to do be his best friend and still wants my H to be his friend. I guess he doesn't understand that not communicating is the only way for everyone not to get hurt . I guess I wll never understand him and I will never understand how I could of fallen for someone like him and expected him to love me the way he said he did. This will always be a mystery to me. I am now just trying to forgive myself and try to let my anger turn into something positive. I do not think for as long as I live that I will ever forgive him and maybe that is not such a bad thing? Trying to deal with the two things simutaneously going on is the hardest thing i have ever has to do. I am in a fight for my life and I am taking small steps everyday to ensure I do not lose. I am not sure what else to do. Any thoughts?
addicted2love Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 FF...You've read my posts and know how I feel about spilling the whole truth now that things have calmed down in your M. But how do YOU feel about it? What do you think would happen if everyone knew the whole story? Would it free you from the guilt and allow everyone involved to finally start rebuilding? Why haven't you told the whole truth up till now? BNB thinks that this is the best thing for you to do. I'm wondering how YOU feel about it. A2L
Meaplus3 Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Yhanks fpr the great support. I have two things happening. 1) I am giving my m the time and energy it deserves and had been robbed of since I started the A. 2) I am still dealing with the guilty feelings of what I did to my h and kids and also the anger I feel for xmm. When I see xmm I imediately start sweating like a person that is afraid of getting more abuse. I get scared and angry when I see him. I feel like I have taken on the entire burden of the a while he is just going on like I was speed bump in his life. I know this is unhealthy thinking, but I can't help but wonder is he that much of a robot that he feels nothing and thinks he is not responsible for any of this. When i don't talk to him he looks at me like I have a choice in the matter. What does he want me to do be his best friend and still wants my H to be his friend. I guess he doesn't understand that not communicating is the only way for everyone not to get hurt . I guess I wll never understand him and I will never understand how I could of fallen for someone like him and expected him to love me the way he said he did. This will always be a mystery to me. I am now just trying to forgive myself and try to let my anger turn into something positive. I do not think for as long as I live that I will ever forgive him and maybe that is not such a bad thing? Trying to deal with the two things simutaneously going on is the hardest thing i have ever has to do. I am in a fight for my life and I am taking small steps everyday to ensure I do not lose. I am not sure what else to do. Any thoughts? What does he want me to do be his best friend and still wants my H to be his friend. I guess he doesn't understand that not communicating is the only way for everyone not to get hurt . I guess I wll never understand him and I will never understand how I could of fallen for someone like him and expected him to love me the way he said he did. FF, Stick with no communication it's the key! If he try's to contact you or come's sniffing around and you can't deal with it, then I think it would be a good idea to bust this whole A out in the open. If it become's out in the open to your H and his W, I am very sure that he won't be bothering you again. Your doing great my friend. Your strong and you CAN get past this. I myself know how tough it is, but it can be done. Hug's! AP:)
Owl Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 This is why you SHOULD tell your H the truth. The odds are high that he'll also insist on NC with MM/OM. He'll become the strongest advocate of NC that you could possibly have...an accountability partner, if you will. And that's leaving out all the other reasons you should be honest with your husband about what's going on in his marriage.
Author forbidden fruit Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 FF...You've read my posts and know how I feel about spilling the whole truth now that things have calmed down in your M. But how do YOU feel about it? What do you think would happen if everyone knew the whole story? Would it free you from the guilt and allow everyone involved to finally start rebuilding? Why haven't you told the whole truth up till now? BNB thinks that this is the best thing for you to do. I'm wondering how YOU feel about it. A2L I am sorry I know how Bnb feels, but it is not her life and I agree with you A2L. I am not going to tell my h. I have done alot to him already and we are finally at a stage of rebuilding. Now it would be like reopening old wounds. My H is not stupid. Of course he probably knows, but he has chosen to forgive me at least for the EA and I believe that was worst than just physically sleeping with someone. The physical part while devastating in a A is not the most devastating part and not the hardest part to move past. If I continued the EA part of the A with the xmm which he would like then I would tell my H , but I have chosen to end the entire thing. Yes I am having problems moving past all the guilt and the hurt feelings left by the xmm, but I guess that is a small price to pay for what I have done. I am sure BNB wants me to pay a bigger price, but I can assure her where I am right now would be no better for me, my H or my kids then if I told him.
Author forbidden fruit Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 The hardest thing right now for me is watching that smug sob across the street thinking he got away scot free. Sorry may not be healthy,but it is how I feel and it does not mean I can do anything about it. I am not sure that living well is the best revenge, because that a*** does not care about me living well. I right now can buy into that. I think it is a coping method that people tell other people so they don't feel so bad about being betrayed and abused. I don't think people like my xmm care either way.
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