Need some sympathy

[White Flower]

Well, you can do that, BUT, you were used.. LEARN from it.. We all are "stupid" in our lives, nothing wrong with that. Doesnt mean you're stupid.. Forest Gump: Stupid is as Stupid does (can't believe I just quoted FG, usually it would be omeone like Noah, from the NoteBook)

 

Hope you're smiling now.

I loooove The Notebook and wish I could have married someone like that. MM is close.

 

SM,

Try to look at it as you using him. Didn't you learn something from this fantastic experience? Take it and run, girl!

[stampdaddy]

I loooove The Notebook and wish I could have married someone like that. MM is close.

 

SM,

Try to look at it as you using him. Didn't you learn something from this fantastic experience? Take it and run, girl!

 

it's funny, I feel like Noah. I bought this house a year ago, for me/us whatever, it's big enough for US, probably too big for ME.. Anyway, now I go forward alone, without her, and I see myself painting rooms "her colors", decorating with "her vision", finishing "the girls room" (which I never counted on them coming here ANYTIME soon, by the way.. just an extra room, but you get the point). Anyway, this is SO SAD for me, in fact, this is the first time I've cried all week, I think, and boy am I crying...

And when I think of possibly someone else coming into my life and coming into my house and saying, "Oh, I love what you've done with the place", it makes my feel sick, violated OVER FREAKING PAINT COLOR

[Tomcat33]

I came to the thread too late but I was going to say everything Stampdaddy and OB said, until I came to the second page and realised they beat me to it!

 

Men don't like it when they get sex so easily no matter how much wooing was going on the night before and how much he wants it he still wants you to be a challenge. A guy wants to feel like he is getting a prize something he had to work hard for and also something most men have to work hard for.

Notice how games or fishing works? a guy doesn't want to go to the local fish shop and grab a big fish and show it off he wants to go out and spend an entire day by the lake working hard fishing in order to later show off to the world "look at what I caught!!!"

 

 

And the way he got cold and distinterested the next morning is textbook behaviour from a man who has gotten what he wanted and there are no emotions built to hold him there for more.

It's primal instincts that we cannnot understand but a man is programmed to plant his seed and when he does he moves on, the reason humans form relationships it's for the sake of our children. We have the capability of developing emotional ties, something animals really don't (on as deep a level as we do that is) When a couple meets and they have little in common or no emotional foundation the urge to walk after the intimacy happens is greater for a man because there is nothing holding him there. Even though you know this man from the past you still have not real emotional history with him, as of today that is. Or at least he didn't feel it.

 

SomethingMissing: never ever sleep with a man on a first date if you want more out of the encounter. Also please please stop writing him emails, you are making it worse for yourself like this. I know it hurts and he lied to you to make you feel good about you and the sex was great but he was cold and wants nothing more so save some face and let it go. He is married too so you definitely had that working against you. It was not an act of love for him it was an act of lust. Cut yourself loose and move on now, or else you will only prolong your pain.

 

Don't kick yourself for this though, we are wired differently than guys and just because you made one little mistake it doesn't means you should feel bad, even if he did call you back he was still married imagine the heartache you were in for down the road. Consider yourself lucky you had a night of fantastic sex and the that was that! Getting involved with a married man is the pain you are feeling now x 100!!

[addicted2love]

I came to the thread too late but I was going to say everything Stampdaddy and OB said, until I came to the second page and realised they beat me to it!

 

Men don't like it when they get sex so easily no matter how much wooing was going on the night before and how much he wants it he still wants you to be a challenge. A guy wants to feel like he is getting a prize something he had to work hard for and also something most men have to work hard for.

Notice how games or fishing works? a guy doesn't want to go to the local fish shop and grab a big fish and show it off he wants to go out and spend an entire day by the lake working hard fishing in order to later show off to the world "look at what I caught!!!"

 

 

And the way he got cold and distinterested the next morning is textbook behaviour from a man who has gotten what he wanted and there are no emotions built to hold him there for more.

It's primal instincts that we cannnot understand but a man is programmed to plant his seed and when he does he moves on, the reason humans form relationships it's for the sake of our children. We have the capability of developing emotional ties, something animals really don't (on as deep a level as we do that is) When a couple meets and they have little in common or no emotional foundation the urge to walk after the intimacy happens is greater for a man because there is nothing holding him there. Even though you know this man from the past you still have not real emotional history with him, as of today that is. Or at least he didn't feel it.

 

SomethingMissing: never ever sleep with a man on a first date if you want more out of the encounter. Also please please stop writing him emails, you are making it worse for yourself like this. I know it hurts and he lied to you to make you feel good about you and the sex was great but he was cold and wants nothing more so save some face and let it go. He is married too so you definitely had that working against you. It was not an act of love for him it was an act of lust. Cut yourself loose and move on now, or else you will only prolong your pain.

 

Don't kick yourself for this though, we are wired differently than guys and just because you made one little mistake it doesn't means you should feel bad, even if he did call you back he was still married imagine the heartache you were in for down the road. Consider yourself lucky you had a night of fantastic sex and the that was that! Getting involved with a married man is the pain you are feeling now x 100!!

 

DITTO!!!! Well said.

[addicted2love]

it's funny, I feel like Noah. I bought this house a year ago, for me/us whatever, it's big enough for US, probably too big for ME.. Anyway, now I go forward alone, without her, and I see myself painting rooms "her colors", decorating with "her vision", finishing "the girls room" (which I never counted on them coming here ANYTIME soon, by the way.. just an extra room, but you get the point). Anyway, this is SO SAD for me, in fact, this is the first time I've cried all week, I think, and boy am I crying...

And when I think of possibly someone else coming into my life and coming into my house and saying, "Oh, I love what you've done with the place", it makes my feel sick, violated OVER FREAKING PAINT COLOR

 

MM suggested that I watch the Notebook. I did...it was physically painful for me to watch.

 

So many scenes in that movie actually mirrored my life....

...The letters....before I got M my MM sent me a letter (he was single at the time, I was engaged) I never got the letter...someone intercepted it in the mail, it could only have been one of two people...either my soon to be MIL or my soon to be H. I did recieved a second letter from him stating that he understood the situation and since I didn't respond to the first letter he had sent he would leave me alone so we could both move on with our lives. I never responded. (shoulda, coulda, woulda, damn that hindsight!)

 

The scene where she's driving away crying...

Been there done that...before I moved away to be w/ now H. I went to see my exBF/nowMM to say goodbye. I was hoping that he would tell me not to go. Tell me that he still loved me, etc. He didn't (he has since explained it was his stubborn pride). Yet after I left he had a complete melt down and didn't know what to do...he then sent me the 1st letter, the one that I never recieved.

 

I often wonder how my life would have been if I had gotten that 1st letter. The day before my H proposed to me we were fighting...I was hell bent on packing up my stuff and moving back home. But instead I accepted his proposal.

 

...the reunion/love scene..."It wasn't over, it still isn't over".....could have written it myself. After 13 years of not seeing/speaking to each other our reunion was the most intense, passionate, unbelievable experience I've ever had in my life!

 

A2L

[stampdaddy]

MM suggested that I watch the Notebook. I did...it was physically painful for me to watch.

 

So many scenes in that movie actually mirrored my life....

...The letters....before I got M my MM sent me a letter (he was single at the time, I was engaged) I never got the letter...someone intercepted it in the mail, it could only have been one of two people...either my soon to be MIL or my soon to be H. I did recieved a second letter from him stating that he understood the situation and since I didn't respond to the first letter he had sent he would leave me alone so we could both move on with our lives. I never responded. (shoulda, coulda, woulda, damn that hindsight!)

 

The scene where she's driving away crying...

Been there done that...before I moved away to be w/ now H. I went to see my exBF/nowMM to say goodbye. I was hoping that he would tell me not to go. Tell me that he still loved me, etc. He didn't (he has since explained it was his stubborn pride). Yet after I left he had a complete melt down and didn't know what to do...he then sent me the 1st letter, the one that I never recieved.

 

I often wonder how my life would have been if I had gotten that 1st letter. The day before my H proposed to me we were fighting...I was hell bent on packing up my stuff and moving back home. But instead I accepted his proposal.

 

...the reunion/love scene..."It wasn't over, it still isn't over".....could have written it myself. After 13 years of not seeing/speaking to each other our reunion was the most intense, passionate, unbelievable experience I've ever had in my life!

 

A2L

yeah, physically sick I have gotten too.. not healthy, I know, but... just the scene of him putting her art room together, because he listened to her, and "prepared for her" is what kills me.. because that is exactly what I am doing.. It's hard to paint straight edges when your eyes are full of tears...

[addicted2love]

yeah, physically sick I have gotten too.. not healthy, I know, but... just the scene of him putting her art room together, because he listened to her, and "prepared for her" is what kills me.. because that is exactly what I am doing.. It's hard to paint straight edges when your eyes are full of tears...

 

((((stampdaddy)))) I have felt your pain. Last year at this time my MM had gone NC with me. I understand how hard it is for you right now. I couldn't listen to certain songs, watch certain movies. All of the things we said to each other, meant to each other and did together kept playing over and over in my head.

 

I went through every emotion under the sun...I flip flopped between loving him so much it hurt, hating him for leaving me in the dark w/ his NC, worrying about his emotional well being, getting mad and saying screw this I don't need him, feeling like it was all a bunch of lies, feeling used, only to hold out hope once more that it would all pass and we would be in touch again.

 

Well my hope kept me going....it took months but it all passed. We have now come to a place that is comfortable for us both. My situation is different as we are both M and not willing to leave our young children at this time.

 

But the feelings you're going through I can relate to completely.

I too wrote letters I never sent.

A2L

[addicted2love]

sooo sorry, I didn't mean to jack this thread!

[stampdaddy]

sooo sorry, I didn't mean to jack this thread!

meeeeee neeeder

[SomethingsMissing]

My advice - Cease and Desist with the emails! Immediately! You're coming across as desperate to him. Also (based on his behavior) he is not worth any more of your attention. He's going to have to jump thru hoops to get a second glance from you, from now on.

 

I so wish I had posted here before I got together with him the second time, and CERTAINLY before I sent him three mails owning my part in all this. He DOES owe me a huge apology. I probably does see me as desperate. And I was, at the moment. I felt so much better, waking up, and finding all this great support here. God bless Love Shack and its posters!!!

[stampdaddy]

I so wish I had posted here before I got together with him the second time, and CERTAINLY before I sent him three mails owning my part in all this. He DOES owe me a huge apology. I probably does see me as desperate. And I was, at the moment. I felt so much better, waking up, and finding all this great support here. God bless Love Shack and its posters!!!

 

Don't waste a second waiting for an apology.. It's over. move on, be happy:)

[SomethingsMissing]

I came to the thread too late but I was going to say everything Stampdaddy and OB said, until I came to the second page and realised they beat me to it!

 

Men don't like it when they get sex so easily no matter how much wooing was going on the night before and how much he wants it he still wants you to be a challenge. A guy wants to feel like he is getting a prize something he had to work hard for and also something most men have to work hard for.

Notice how games or fishing works? a guy doesn't want to go to the local fish shop and grab a big fish and show it off he wants to go out and spend an entire day by the lake working hard fishing in order to later show off to the world "look at what I caught!!!"

 

 

And the way he got cold and distinterested the next morning is textbook behaviour from a man who has gotten what he wanted and there are no emotions built to hold him there for more.

It's primal instincts that we cannnot understand but a man is programmed to plant his seed and when he does he moves on, the reason humans form relationships it's for the sake of our children. We have the capability of developing emotional ties, something animals really don't (on as deep a level as we do that is) When a couple meets and they have little in common or no emotional foundation the urge to walk after the intimacy happens is greater for a man because there is nothing holding him there. Even though you know this man from the past you still have not real emotional history with him, as of today that is. Or at least he didn't feel it.

 

SomethingMissing: never ever sleep with a man on a first date if you want more out of the encounter. Also please please stop writing him emails, you are making it worse for yourself like this. I know it hurts and he lied to you to make you feel good about you and the sex was great but he was cold and wants nothing more so save some face and let it go. He is married too so you definitely had that working against you. It was not an act of love for him it was an act of lust. Cut yourself loose and move on now, or else you will only prolong your pain.

 

Don't kick yourself for this though, we are wired differently than guys and just because you made one little mistake it doesn't means you should feel bad, even if he did call you back he was still married imagine the heartache you were in for down the road. Consider yourself lucky you had a night of fantastic sex and the that was that! Getting involved with a married man is the pain you are feeling now x 100!!

 

God, I feel like such a fool. I wish someone had taught me this years ago. I see now why "The Rules" say make him make all the moves. He has to call, he has to write. Well, I am done writing him. Which probably means I won't hear from him again. And that's probably a good thing for all concerned. I don't want to get any more involved than I am. But I want him to apologize, and own his part in this.

 

You know what I hate the most - he talks about feeling "insecure" - he was short throughout high school but grew a foot in college. That's when he became a player. So yeah - I think it was a lot about conquest, to prove his desirability.

 

My gosh - I professed love for him in email before he came down. No wonder he was so laid back - it was all laid out for him. Damn. I wish I had stuck to my guns when I told him not to see me. Hopefully, thanks to the good advice here, if I'm ever in that situation again (and let's hope I'm not) I will.

 

And yeah - when I feel something for someone, I do sleep with them right away for fear of losing them. I have to stop that!!!!

[White Flower]

I came to the thread too late but I was going to say everything Stampdaddy and OB said, until I came to the second page and realised they beat me to it!

 

Men don't like it when they get sex so easily no matter how much wooing was going on the night before and how much he wants it he still wants you to be a challenge. A guy wants to feel like he is getting a prize something he had to work hard for and also something most men have to work hard for.

Notice how games or fishing works? a guy doesn't want to go to the local fish shop and grab a big fish and show it off he wants to go out and spend an entire day by the lake working hard fishing in order to later show off to the world "look at what I caught!!!"

 

 

And the way he got cold and distinterested the next morning is textbook behaviour from a man who has gotten what he wanted and there are no emotions built to hold him there for more.

It's primal instincts that we cannnot understand but a man is programmed to plant his seed and when he does he moves on, the reason humans form relationships it's for the sake of our children. We have the capability of developing emotional ties, something animals really don't (on as deep a level as we do that is) When a couple meets and they have little in common or no emotional foundation the urge to walk after the intimacy happens is greater for a man because there is nothing holding him there. Even though you know this man from the past you still have not real emotional history with him, as of today that is. Or at least he didn't feel it.

 

SomethingMissing: never ever sleep with a man on a first date if you want more out of the encounter. Also please please stop writing him emails, you are making it worse for yourself like this. I know it hurts and he lied to you to make you feel good about you and the sex was great but he was cold and wants nothing more so save some face and let it go. He is married too so you definitely had that working against you. It was not an act of love for him it was an act of lust. Cut yourself loose and move on now, or else you will only prolong your pain.

 

Don't kick yourself for this though, we are wired differently than guys and just because you made one little mistake it doesn't means you should feel bad, even if he did call you back he was still married imagine the heartache you were in for down the road. Consider yourself lucky you had a night of fantastic sex and the that was that! Getting involved with a married man is the pain you are feeling now x 100!!

Tomcat, you are so amazing!

[OWoman]

TC I'm going to differ respectfully from you and say I don't buy this "mars & venus" bollox. I don't think "we are wired differently from guys" and that it's all about conquest - winning a prize that he has to struggle for - for them. That may be so for some guys, and I don't doubt that there are those neanderthals out there but I've never gone near enough to any of them to have any experience of that.

 

Nor do I buy that women have to play hard to get to get and keep their interest up. I don't believe in playing games with anyone - I'm totally upfront about what's on my agenda and what's not, and demand the same of anyone I get involved with, however fleetingly. And no, it doesn't scare them off or make them cold and distant in the morning or make them lose interest the minute they got "their prize" too easily. It generates respect and honesty - and that's the only basis on which I'm prepared to be involved with anyone.

 

I guess it depends on what kind of guy you want to involve yourself with - if you want a neanderthal, then neanderthal tactics will be required. If you want something more highly evolved, then you'll have to invest some different kinds of energy.

 

I came to the thread too late but I was going to say everything Stampdaddy and OB said, until I came to the second page and realised they beat me to it!

 

Men don't like it when they get sex so easily no matter how much wooing was going on the night before and how much he wants it he still wants you to be a challenge. A guy wants to feel like he is getting a prize something he had to work hard for and also something most men have to work hard for.

Notice how games or fishing works? a guy doesn't want to go to the local fish shop and grab a big fish and show it off he wants to go out and spend an entire day by the lake working hard fishing in order to later show off to the world "look at what I caught!!!"

 

 

And the way he got cold and distinterested the next morning is textbook behaviour from a man who has gotten what he wanted and there are no emotions built to hold him there for more.

It's primal instincts that we cannnot understand but a man is programmed to plant his seed and when he does he moves on, the reason humans form relationships it's for the sake of our children. We have the capability of developing emotional ties, something animals really don't (on as deep a level as we do that is) When a couple meets and they have little in common or no emotional foundation the urge to walk after the intimacy happens is greater for a man because there is nothing holding him there. Even though you know this man from the past you still have not real emotional history with him, as of today that is. Or at least he didn't feel it.

 

SomethingMissing: never ever sleep with a man on a first date if you want more out of the encounter. Also please please stop writing him emails, you are making it worse for yourself like this. I know it hurts and he lied to you to make you feel good about you and the sex was great but he was cold and wants nothing more so save some face and let it go. He is married too so you definitely had that working against you. It was not an act of love for him it was an act of lust. Cut yourself loose and move on now, or else you will only prolong your pain.

 

Don't kick yourself for this though, we are wired differently than guys and just because you made one little mistake it doesn't means you should feel bad, even if he did call you back he was still married imagine the heartache you were in for down the road. Consider yourself lucky you had a night of fantastic sex and the that was that! Getting involved with a married man is the pain you are feeling now x 100!!

[OpenBook]

TC I'm going to differ respectfully from you and say I don't buy this "mars & venus" bollox. I don't think "we are wired differently from guys" and that it's all about conquest - winning a prize that he has to struggle for - for them. That may be so for some guys, and I don't doubt that there are those neanderthals out there but I've never gone near enough to any of them to have any experience of that.

 

Nor do I buy that women have to play hard to get to get and keep their interest up. I don't believe in playing games with anyone - I'm totally upfront about what's on my agenda and what's not, and demand the same of anyone I get involved with, however fleetingly. And no, it doesn't scare them off or make them cold and distant in the morning or make them lose interest the minute they got "their prize" too easily. It generates respect and honesty - and that's the only basis on which I'm prepared to be involved with anyone.

 

I guess it depends on what kind of guy you want to involve yourself with - if you want a neanderthal, then neanderthal tactics will be required. If you want something more highly evolved, then you'll have to invest some different kinds of energy.

 

And OW, I must respectfully disagree with YOU. It's ALL a game -- every part of it. (I'm referring to the dating & courting game... right up until M -- and even then a lot of it is still a game!) And on some level, ALL men still have a bit of that Neanderthal left in 'em... it's part of the testosterone Y-chromosome DNA thing. I don't like it any more than the next girl -- but them's the facts. It's reality. I will never understand how men think or why they do what they do. All I know is, if you do X, they do Y. All I can go on is their behavior. And they are NOTHING if not consistent!!

[frannie]

And OW, I must respectfully disagree with YOU. It's ALL a game -- every part of it. (I'm referring to the dating & courting game... right up until M -- and even then a lot of it is still a game!) And on some level, ALL men still have a bit of that Neanderthal left in 'em... it's part of the testosterone Y-chromosome DNA thing. I don't like it any more than the next girl -- but them's the facts. It's reality. I will never understand how men think or why they do what they do. All I know is, if you do X, they do Y. All I can go on is their behavior. And they are NOTHING if not consistent!!

 

And I'm going to respectfully disagree with you heh this is fun.

 

No, I think that there's a kind of man (maybe even a lot, especially with younger men maybe) for whom the thrill of the chase is everything. There are men for whom the chase is certainly exciting and adds to things, but isn't everything. And then there are men for whom the chase means absolutely nothing whatever, and they're quite happy with engaging rationally and honestly from the beginning.

 

Personally, I like to stay away from the 'thrill of the chase' men, since when you've got them, what do you have? Someone you have to keep running from to keep them interested? Isn't that just a waste of time and energy?

[Tomcat33]

TC I'm going to differ respectfully from you and say I don't buy this "mars & venus" bollox. I don't think "we are wired differently from guys" and that it's all about conquest - winning a prize that he has to struggle for - for them. That may be so for some guys, and I don't doubt that there are those neanderthals out there but I've never gone near enough to any of them to have any experience of that.

 

Nor do I buy that women have to play hard to get to get and keep their interest up. I don't believe in playing games with anyone - I'm totally upfront about what's on my agenda and what's not, and demand the same of anyone I get involved with, however fleetingly. And no, it doesn't scare them off or make them cold and distant in the morning or make them lose interest the minute they got "their prize" too easily. It generates respect and honesty - and that's the only basis on which I'm prepared to be involved with anyone.

 

I guess it depends on what kind of guy you want to involve yourself with - if you want a neanderthal, then neanderthal tactics will be required. If you want something more highly evolved, then you'll have to invest some different kinds of energy.

 

 

And I am going to respectfully disagree with you OWoman, and agree with you;)

 

You're right a woman should not play hard to get. I live by this philosophy and always have and it has worked amazingly for me and I'll explain why: I don't play hard to get, I am hard to get.

 

You're right, games solve absolutely nothing at all, you must have conviction as to why you do things and do them for all the right reasons. For a woman sex signifies intimacy, a connection and in many cases a woman who has been intimate with a man for her signifies a begining of a relationship. This is not so for a man. A man can share intimacy with a woman and not be ready for a relationship with her. So the reason why it is always good for a woman to wait to have sex with a man is to let that emotional connection develop on both ends to ensure that when she embarks on sharing of herself completely that you are both on the same page. Of course a man can still walk after getting to know him and finally being intimate but unless you have horrible sexual chemsitry together chances are if you spent that much time together enjoying one another emotionally and intellectually sex is going to the the icing on the cake, because we all know that great explosive sex happens first in the mind.

 

A guy does not have a chance to develop an emotional tie with a woman after one encounter or two, he may feel emtionally drawn to her but not tied to her. Of course there are cases of people that fall in love the instant they set eyes on each other but that is far and few apart, for the most part a man likes the challenge of conquest and most importantly his male ego does not allow him to accept that if you were that easy with him you must be doing this with other men, and as modern as men profess to be no man wants a woman who gets around with all the guys. That's not a neandrethal talking it is the male ego talking. It's years and years of the double standard engrained in the pscyhe of the male that men are kings the more conquests they get and women are sluts.

Can you blame them for not wanting someone that sleeps around with everyone? For wanting someone that feels like a trophy when they win them rather than a runner up second place consolation prize?

 

if there are any guys out there reading this please prove me wrong if you think I am way off the mark.

 

It's not about man from mars or whatever that book is called, I have never read that by the way but I hear a lot of references to it, it's about the way we are wired and yes we are wired differently as women than men are. Just look at the Discovery channel and study animal behaviour it is not all that different from the our behaviour, and you can definitely see where our instincts originate.

 

The male crocodile swoons and flirts and submits to the female crocodile when he wants to copulate, he will be very submissive to her and follow her around in a very passive way until he gets what he wants then once he gets what he wants back to being a beast it is.

[Tomcat33]

God, I feel like such a fool. I wish someone had taught me this years ago. I see now why "The Rules" say make him make all the moves. He has to call, he has to write. Well, I am done writing him. Which probably means I won't hear from him again. And that's probably a good thing for all concerned. I don't want to get any more involved than I am. But I want him to apologize, and own his part in this.

 

You know what I hate the most - he talks about feeling "insecure" - he was short throughout high school but grew a foot in college. That's when he became a player. So yeah - I think it was a lot about conquest, to prove his desirability.

 

My gosh - I professed love for him in email before he came down. No wonder he was so laid back - it was all laid out for him. Damn. I wish I had stuck to my guns when I told him not to see me. Hopefully, thanks to the good advice here, if I'm ever in that situation again (and let's hope I'm not) I will.

 

And yeah - when I feel something for someone, I do sleep with them right away for fear of losing them. I have to stop that!!!!

 

Honestly I don't believe in "The Rules" and all that crap, and it IS crap. They are games designed to entrap a guy and if it doesn't come naturally to you, you won't know whether you are commming or going. The only game one must play is the game of using common sense. Common sense says that you can't rush things in life, you cannot jump the gun and anything that takes some work is far more rewarding than something that is spoon fed to us. There are no magic answers in life for anything, all good outcomes come with hard work and a little elbow grease. Dating is no different. If you want instant gratification well go ahead and have it but take it for what it is, don't expect a thing more enjoy it for what it is and be happy with what you get. If you are a woman who enjoys her sexuality and wants to have quick ties with men the go for it, I think each person should live their lives for what they feel is right for them, but accept it for what it is get what you want out of it and don't put anymore pressure on yourself to have more. But if you don't fit the bill and are expecting more out of your connections with men, then it's time to trade in the instant gratification hat for the "cultivate a relationship" hat.

 

 

Don't worry about any of that Somethingmissing we all do silly things we regret. The worst is over, you did some things that you are not proud of but no point dwelling on that, no point living in regret other than to remind yourself you don't want to feel like this again. Your best revenge is what are you going to take away from this experience and how are you going to apply that to draw positive energy back into your life?

 

 

WhiteFlower: thanks hunny! {{{{{hugs}}}}}

[OWoman]

For a woman sex signifies intimacy, a connection and in many cases a woman who has been intimate with a man for her signifies a begining of a relationship. This is not so for a man.

 

For SOME women. And for SOME men.

 

There are, equally, men who cannot have sex unless it's in the context of a relationship - I have many male friends like this. And there are also many women who have no strings, purely-for-pleasure sex - I've always been one of those.

 

In the same way I wouldn't give the time of day to any man who assumed that, because I was a woman, I enjoyed shopping or fashion or soppy movies, I would never make assumptions about a man's reasoning based on his gender alone. I'd negotiate, on the table upfront before anything could happen, and only if we both had a common agenda and a common understanding could anything even be considered.

 

I don't play hard to get, nor am I hard to get. If I'm interested, I'll do the getting. I'm not sitting around waiting for some man to choose me or not!

[Tomcat33]

For SOME women. And for SOME men.

 

There are, equally, men who cannot have sex unless it's in the context of a relationship - I have many male friends like this. And there are also many women who have no strings, purely-for-pleasure sex - I've always been one of those.

 

In the same way I wouldn't give the time of day to any man who assumed that, because I was a woman, I enjoyed shopping or fashion or soppy movies, I would never make assumptions about a man's reasoning based on his gender alone. I'd negotiate, on the table upfront before anything could happen, and only if we both had a common agenda and a common understanding could anything even be considered.

 

I don't play hard to get, nor am I hard to get. If I'm interested, I'll do the getting. I'm not sitting around waiting for some man to choose me or not!

 

 

And I agreed with you, if you want straight up sex no strings attached and to have fun of course go for it the woman has all the power in this area she gets to choose and sex happens or not depending on the woman, the average single male is always good to go provided the woman is not unappealing to him. and let's be honest now the single men that want to wait for that special someone for sex are very few and far apart, it is a swooping generalization I am not afraid to make and can say with conviction.

 

But in all honesty how many long term relationships have you ended up in after sleeping with a man on a first encounter?

 

Personally I like being chosen, that way I know for a fact the man is 100% into me, the rest is up to me. I like responding to a man's advances and doing the song and dance a man and woman does in the courting stages it is exciting to me and I love the give and take that happens. A man might be really flattered that an attractive woman makes a pass at him but is he really into her or is he into the gesture? When you do all the work for him you set the precedence for you to do the chasing and him to do the responding. No thanks I never chase, but I still get what I want!

 

 

but neither way is THE way, what works for us best is very particular to our own tastes.

 

For the purpose of this thread and the situation here and in particular since she has already explained that she sleeps with men too easily SomethingMissing might benefit from holding back a bit because sleeping too soon doesn't work for her because a) she falls in love with the men too quickly b) is extremely dissapointed when things don't pan out and the man is not on the same page, she doesn't give him enough time to discover how great she really is when she by-passes the courting stage to go straight into the sack. One night of courting is great foreplay if one night of sex is all you want.

 

so she has to make a small change that will ensure a better turnout for her. Again if she were looking for casual sex and fun then by all means keep it up go out and use your female charms to lure men into your lair of desire. But it seems she is looking for more.

[Tomcat33]

For SOME women. And for SOME men.

 

 

Well for the woman in question in this thread, she most definitely represents the type of "typical" woman I described. She equates intimacy with emotional commitment.

[SomethingsMissing]

Well for the woman in question in this thread, she most definitely represents the type of "typical" woman I described. She equates intimacy with emotional commitment.

 

Well, yes and no.

 

Here's the deal. If it's a guy I'm interested in, I don't play games. If I want to sleep with him, I do. I don't ALWAYS equate sex with intimacy. In fact, it's almost been the opposite in my life. I find it easier to sleep with men I'm NOT all that attached to than to sleep with the men I am deeply involved with emotionally. Okay - I know that sounds screwy, but it's a freedom thing for me. For years I avoided serious relationships because I really wanted my freedom. I wouldn't pass up a one-night stand because I could get a quick fix without giving up the freedom. I'd pine after the guys I could never have, and dump the ones I could. I know - it sounds like I need therapy.

 

With this particular guy, it fits the pattern. He's married - i.e., unavaialable. And he lives three hours away. Also unavailable for the most part, even if not married. So it's like double protection, on the one hand.

 

Yet mentally, emotionally, we have this great friendship. And we'd flirted with the issue of having sex again ever since our first encounter, over email. The issue would come up and disappear and resurface. (The quieter I was on the subject, the more likely he was to bring it up, and vice versa.)

 

So when he said he was coming down here for another event, I knew it was in part to see me, and most likely to do me, if you will. It seems not only inappropriate but cruel to play hard to get when the guy is taking a big chance (a large chunk of unexplained time) and driving through horrible traffic so he can spend some time with me. I was not going to drag him off his purported agenda if I wasn't going to have sex with him - wouldn't that be cruel? I mean, I had told him how much I wanted to be with him - I wasn't going to turn him down when he finally showed up at my doorstep.

 

Anyway - here's the update. So after the three emails I had already wrote, I did go silent. Sure enough, a day and a half later, he wrote me a short but nice note. Yes, we can be friends. Stop worrying, etc. Ironically, when I woke up that day, before I got the message, I felt great, like I was already moving on. But when I got home that night, there he is, in my email, no more eager to drop this entirely than I am.

 

But thanks to the rest of you, especially those who have been in painful relationships for a while now, I'm much more eager to keep my feelings at bay, as best as possible, and hope that, if there's anything real between us and he ever does leave his wife, maybe we can pick up where we left off someday. But I really, truly, don't want to be involved with a man I can't have. I do unrequited love all too well, but I've done it plenty of times before. I really don't need to do that again.

 

I hope I can stick to my guns. I think I need to keep communication, and more importantly, my fantasies, to a minimum....

[SomethingsMissing]

But I really, truly, don't want to be involved with a man I can't have.

 

I left out the most important word: "anymore." I really feel like I'm finally ready to settle down. I'm not interested in running away anymore. I want someone to share everything with, finally.

[frannie]

But in all honesty how many long term relationships have you ended up in after sleeping with a man on a first encounter?

 

Personally I like being chosen, that way I know for a fact the man is 100% into me, the rest is up to me. I like responding to a man's advances and doing the song and dance a man and woman does in the courting stages it is exciting to me and I love the give and take that happens. A man might be really flattered that an attractive woman makes a pass at him but is he really into her or is he into the gesture? When you do all the work for him you set the precedence for you to do the chasing and him to do the responding. No thanks I never chase, but I still get what I want!

 

You know what, I've had a few long-term relationships that started out sexually from the off. In fact the last time I made a fuss about having sex with a boyfriend was before my very first sexual encounter. What you describe as a 'song and dance' I remember experiencing as him pestering and pestering me until I just gave in. After that he became a complete asshat. So perhaps that's why I have no time for men who are just out for sex... unless I'm going through a period when that's all I want too, in which case, what's the problem?

 

So, what is going on here..? Perhaps you and I just go for different types of men..? As I say, I've had a few LTR that were sexual from the start, and in fact I think they were the longest-term relationships. Then again I'm in my early forties now, no one is expecting me to be a virgin, and if I even suspected that the man I was interested in was the type to look at women who had sex with them as 'easy' they wouldn't have a look in! In fact, I'd think they had better grow up or get some therapy

[frannie]

So when he said he was coming down here for another event, I knew it was in part to see me, and most likely to do me, if you will. It seems not only inappropriate but cruel to play hard to get when the guy is taking a big chance (a large chunk of unexplained time) and driving through horrible traffic so he can spend some time with me. I was not going to drag him off his purported agenda if I wasn't going to have sex with him - wouldn't that be cruel? I mean, I had told him how much I wanted to be with him - I wasn't going to turn him down when he finally showed up at my doorstep.

 

Anyway - here's the update. So after the three emails I had already wrote, I did go silent. Sure enough, a day and a half later, he wrote me a short but nice note. Yes, we can be friends. Stop worrying, etc. Ironically, when I woke up that day, before I got the message, I felt great, like I was already moving on. But when I got home that night, there he is, in my email, no more eager to drop this entirely than I am.

 

I hope I can stick to my guns. I think I need to keep communication, and more importantly, my fantasies, to a minimum....

 

SM I don't necessarily think it's about your fantasises and needing to keep them to a minimum. I think maybe it's about something else:

 

You talk like you slept with him out of a feeling that it was the right thing to do for him. Because otherwise it would have been 'cruel'. All that time in traffic and he somehow deserved you. But you were not put on this earth in order to make other people feel good now were you..? I think that if you give yourself as a gift to someone in that way, without consideration of what's right for you, then they're just going to look at you in that way. It's not necessarily about sex, but about any kind of relationship ~ could be work-related or whatever. But if you go through life saying, oh, that poor person, I owe it to them to give of my time or self in some way because they deserve it... you're going to encourage them to think that way about you, and that's how you'll get treated. Also, you'll only encourage (and possibly be attracted to) types of people who treat others that way: you owe me. You know?