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letter i won't send


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Posted

Today has been particularly rough for me. I think it is because last night I was out with friends and around my ex. I do see my ex pretty frequently and we have been communicating pretty amicably. However, today I was just feeling really sad and missing being with him more than lately. I wrote this letter as if I was going to send it to him. I am not going to send it to him but I would like to post it here just as a therapeutic exercise. Feel free to reply if you have any words of encouragement. My eyes are all sticky from crying. :(

 

 

 

I don’t even know why I am writing this. Today I can’t stop thinking about you. Of course this is no different than any other day but for some reason today I feel like I need to tell you about it. If being around you is so hard, why is it so much harder not to be around you? Perhaps you were right in that we can’t ever be friends again.

 

Every day I battle with myself for still loving you. It just doesn’t make sense that I still look at you and see the person that I fell in love with. Memories of all the time we spent together flood my mind and no matter how busy I try to keep myself, I just can’t seem to find anything that makes me feel as good as I did with you

 

Every step of the day I find myself in a place that I once shared a laugh with you. It’s impossible to escape all the memories that we made here. Some days, like today, I just sit and cry for hours. I pray to God everyday to help me accept this and to help me believe that this is what is best for me. I try so hard to remember bad times. I try to find all the reasons why we weren’t right for each other.

 

I just can’t make a list of negatives that will ever challenge my love for you. I love and accept you for everything that you are. There is no good and bad, or right and wrong. You are who you are and I have always accepted you. If you are someone that is happier without me, I should accept that. After all, it is happiness that I have always wanted for you.

 

I feel foolish for thinking that things between us could ever be comfortable again. When we talk it feels natural. When we laugh it feels natural. But the problem is that it feels too natural being around you. I haven’t stopped loving you and being unable to express that I love you is what feels unnatural to me. I feel like I can’t be myself because the person I am is someone that loves you. Not being allowed to love you is like not being allowed to be myself.

 

I’m so tired of trying to keep myself busy and trying to make myself “happy”. I feel like the times I go out and have fun are just distractions. It’s like trying to put a band aid on a bullet wound. I can cover up the pain but it’s still there underneath. I feel incomplete and empty inside. Nothing feels even half as good without you there to share it with. I just feel so stupid now for thinking that you loved me the way that I loved you.

 

How could I have been so wrong about something that felt so right to me? I’m still waiting on the day that I can see things from your point of view. I’m hoping I can just wake up and say, “Oh, I get it now. He was right; we were no good for each other.” Until that clarity comes over me, I’m stuck questioning every thing I have felt for the past year and a half.

 

Why did I see something special there that you say you could find with anyone? Why do I feel like this was the once in a lifetime kind of love and you see just a learning experience? Why was I so sure it was right and you were so sure it was wrong? Do you ever even miss what we had? Is there ever even a doubt in your mind about your decision? Did you ever really love me? Were you just biding your time with me until something better came along?

 

I wish these questions would stop running through my head. I know they will always remain unanswered so why I must continue to analyze them I have no idea. I also don’t know why I feel the need to tell you how bad I am doing. I guess I still hold on to the hope that deep down you might want to know the truth about how I am feeling. Perhaps it makes you feel better to hear that I’m doing okay. But I lie to myself and everyone else about being okay. Nobody really wants to hear the truth.

 

The reality is: I don’t think I will ever be over you. I don’t think I will ever stop loving you. I honestly don’t want to stop. There is a song I have been listening to that seems to best express what I feel I would like to share with you. The lyrics are: “Wherever you are tonight, I wish you the best of everything, in the world. And honey I hope you found, whatever you were looking for.”

Posted

I feel for you, I really do. That so describes exactly how I feel about my ex.... Made me so sad reading it. I really need to stop being her friend, it is nothing but torture.....

 

Good Luck to you!

Posted

I really get the not even being sure if you want to stop loving them part.

Posted

Thanks for posting your letter can't let go .. I can totally relate to how you are feeling, all the memories, the way life feels empty, the endless thoughts..and the constant analysing. I am also waiting for that morning when I wake up and have that moment of clarity where I understand that we are not meant to be.. but so far I just seem to be going around in circles.

 

I think it is so hard to accept when we still love the other person. I keep trying to remind myself to have patience. To trust in life and to have faith that one day this will all make sense and we can look back on this with understanding.

All the best to you :bunny:

Posted

It amazes me so much that so many of us have the exact same feelings.

Always looking for clarity and somehow never finding it.....at the same time, remembering how *perfect is was...and the total confusion of "How could I be so wrong". I somehow can't remember the last time I was *so wrong about someone. That makes me keep thinking.. noway was I crazy or something... :eek:

He wanted the same things I did. We knew it wasn't going to be easy to just leave and be together. But now with NC, I feel that if he makes it work with his W and can be happy...I DO want that for him. In the meantime, I have balanced myself out on the fact that his M could go either way... Am moving on now.... still have lots of fleeting moments of him.....I just try to *smile when I do.

Good luck!!:)

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