Getting over hook ups during break up

[joej]

Hi all,

 

Thank you in advance for any advice you might be able to give to help me with this situation. I dated my gf for 3 years, and I broke up with her. I needed some time to figure things out with my feelings and felt pressured by my family to end it with her because we are different religions/cultures as well. I thought that what I was doing was the best thing for both of us, and that she would be better off without me and finding someone that was the same religion as her, although I still had feelings for her. We did not talk for 2 months, it was my decision. I realized later that it was the biggest mistake of my life, that I missed her, that we really are meant to be regardless of what anyone else says or what our differences are. I realized that I love this woman with all my heart and after 2 months I e-mailed her and asked her to come back.

 

Needless to say, at first she was very apprehensive but then because she is such a sweet girl she found it in her heart to forgive me and give me another chance, even though I didn't mean to hurt her that bad her heart was still broken because of the way I handled the break up (i.e. not talking to her for 2 months), although now I know I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

 

My problem is this: During our breakup, she hooked up with 2 different guys. One guy she made out with at the bar, but nothing happened with him. However, the other guy she hooked up with ended up coming back to her apartment and spending the night with her. She said that nothing happened with him, that there was only kissing and that at one point they both got naked, but then she stopped it right before they were about to have sex, although there was unprotected "contact" when he was on top of her. The guy she did this with was from my own culture/religion, and she knew that was a major reason why we broke up in the first place. She also knows that we are a small community and that it was possible that what she did with him could have gotten back to me. Also, she did not know this guy very well at all and it hurts me that she was able to do those things with him only 3 weeks after our relationship ended.

 

Needless to say, I am struggling to get over the fact that this guy was all over her, kissing her, touching her and being naked with her...these images keep haunting my mind ever since we got back together. To make matters worse, she lied to me for the past month since we got back together about what happened with him...she said that he never spent the night with her although this was not true. She was a virgin when we first started dating, and she has never been that close to doing anything sexual with a guy other than me. What bothers me is that she could do that so fast after we broke up even though she said that she was still in love with me, and that she lied to me so many times about it when we got back together...to the point where i didn't even believe anything she said about it anymore. We had unprotected sex numerous times after we got back together, and she didn't tell me the truth about what she did with this guy until afterwards.

 

My question is, am I just being a big baby or do I have any right to be upset about this? It has been really hard to get back together with her because I just keep picturing her with this other guy and it kinda made me lose respect for her because she did it and lied to me about it on top of that. Since then she has apologized to me numerous times and says that it was just a mistake because she was drunk, lonely, hurt, etc. Any advice on what I should do to get over it because I really would like to put this whole thing in the past and just be with her again and see her in the same light...I especially want to be able to trust her again. Any advice as to how to get over this? Sorry for how long this was!

[sedgwick]

Nope...you have no right whatsoever to be upset! You dumped her and quit speaking to her. I'm amazed she was even able to get past that kind of hurt and touch another guy. I can't even imagine ever wanting to touch anyone else again after the way my ex hurt me. But if I did want to, I certainly wouldn't keep from it because I felt I owed him something. He dumped me, he left, he's done with me. And I'm sure that's how she felt about you. I'm almost certain the reason she didn't tell you about it was because she was so terrified of you dumping her again.

[joej]

Well that's the thing...if she really was that devastated and loved me so much, then how could she just jump into bed with another guy so fast? I've heard of rebound relationships, but I feel like she just disregarded any feelings she still had for me or respect for herself when she did that. I know she wasn't ready to be with another guy, so why did she do it? Furthermore, how do I get over these thoughts of her with this guy??

[sedgwick]

She did it because she was trying to get over you! But she was still in love with you so she couldn't go through with it. It's been five months since my boyfriend dumped me, and I can't even fathom ever touching anyone else, but I've certainly had lots and lots of friends tell me that's what I should be doing -- one female friend told me a week after my breakup that the way she got over her last one was by sleeping with a lot of people!

 

She loves you. You don't have anything to worry about.

[joej]

Thank you, your replies have been very helpful!

[thelegend]

I agree with Sedgwick she was hurting and did it to get over you. I think you have to let that go Joe. It's hard to accept but that's not cheating or anything it's actually quite normal. Women's feelings are so much more hightened than ours so when they are hurt they do things out of the norm to make themselves feel better just sitting there and crying sometimes won't get it for them.