sedgwick Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 one year ago today was the first time we slept together. a year ago at this time i was the happiest girl in the world. today i'm pretty damn sad. i woke up and cried a lot and then went out and did a few errands, but i was crying walking down the street so i came home. was it that i was too good to him? did i look clingy? did i love him too much? should i have played hard to get, been more aloof, not let him know that i liked him? what, WHAT did i do wrong? sometimes i just want to hide for the rest of my life. thinking that either a) he hates me or b) he thinks i'm pathetic and clingy and needy kills me. i wish i could take back everything i ever said to him, every part of me i ever showed him. i showed him more of me than i ever showed anyone, and i feel like what i did was stripped myself bare, said, look, here i am, and his response was: not good enough. but before he told me i wasn't good enough, he lied and said i was. did he just hate me and want to hurt me from the very beginning? i can't shake the profound feeling of embarrassment i have at having let him in like i did. why didn't i know that i was in no way cool enough to hang with a guy in a band?!?! WHY?? i can't compare to the girls he meets -- the musician girls, the cool girls, the pretty girls, the girls who aren't fat like me. why the hell did i think i was good enough? i am just mortified that i allowed myself to believe that. i don't think i'll ever get over how humiliated that makes me feel, and how certain i am that he and his friends have had lots of good laughs over it. do you think he was just hanging out with me to teach me a lesson? like so that when he ended it he'd make sure i knew i wasn't as cool as his friends or his ex-girlfriends? sometimes i wonder if that's what it was: let's make the ugly boring fat chick think she's good enough so we can tell her eventually how not good enough she is, and then she'll never try hanging with the cool kids again. i want to apologize. i want to tell him i'm so sorry for wasting his time, and for making him be around me. i am so embarrassed and it feels like i'll never recover from that. i wish i knew how to apologize to him and make him forgive me.
AriaIncognito Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 Oh sedgwick, I'm sorry you're so sad today. I can empathize with how you're feeling, you and I are on a similar track it seems. I've had some email contact with the ex recently, and whenever I bring up anything personal, like about my life, he stops communicating. I don't know what this means. In my last email I told him my life has been very busy and full since he and I split up (and honestly, it felt great to say that to him and know it was the truth). I don't know how his life has been because he's not told me and I'm too afraid to ask. I think they think about us, in some way. It's just not in the ways we want for them to be thinking. We want them to be pining and devising schemes to get us back, but well, more than likely they aren't. And that's OK because that just means that at some point, we are going to meet the person that WILL stick around and WILL love us back with all of their hearts, and WON'T walk away for ANY reason. I hope we meet these people soon, for our sakes, but in the meantime, I think we all need to do whatever it is we can to make ourselves the best version of ourselves that we can be. Pick things to focus on improving in your life, be it your body, mind, emotions, social life, whatever. We all have "room for improvement". Maybe when we help ourselves, we'll find what we've been looking for. Keep posting Sed, and we'll keep replying. Know that we are here for you, no matter what. :-)
Author sedgwick Posted December 8, 2007 Author Posted December 8, 2007 thank you so much. today sucks, let me tell you. but then i got a $150 commission today to make someone's tribal bellydance bra, so i guess it hasn't totally sucked. and i keep telling myself that at this time last year i was still 6 months away from selling my book. today i'm halfway through the last chapter (which i am actually really excited about.) got the first edits back from my agent, hand it in to the editor in four weeks. i was talking to a friend about it today and she said, "why are you even still thinking about that guy? you're the only one who can't see you were too good for him and he was a douche." i was all, but he was too cute for me, i was too fat, i wasn't cool enough, etc. and she said, "first of all, you're the only one who thought he was attractive. secondly, are you really worrying that you're not cool enough for a guy who plays rest homes with his jugband?" well, yes. my friend thinks i was too giving. she said i was too nice to him and there was never any chase. but it's so depressing to think you have to treat them badly before they want you. is there any such thing out there as a man who just wants to be straightforward and wants you to be straightforward with him? do they all need you to follow some stupid version of "the rules" or something? and are there any who aren't afraid of commitment? seriously.
frd150 Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 my friend thinks i was too giving. she said i was too nice to him and there was never any chase. but it's so depressing to think you have to treat them badly before they want you. is there any such thing out there as a man who just wants to be straightforward and wants you to be straightforward with him? do they all need you to follow some stupid version of "the rules" or something? and are there any who aren't afraid of commitment? seriously. Thats the thing sedgwick the rules in a relationship are ever changing since a healthy realtionship is one that is constantly growing. The only exception is when it comes to monogamy,infadelity is never tolerated in my eyes.Just so you know not all guys are afraid of commitment,at least this one isnt. Im glad your day got better. Sometimes its the littlethings that cheer us up and help us forget for a bit.
AriaIncognito Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 All I can say sedgwick is our exes are cut from the same material. My friends have said all the same things about him that yours are saying about your ex. Spooky indeed.
kymberann Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 Ohh you guys, we are all in this together. What is this about relationships?? I have never wanted anything more serious in a time in my life where I knew I was "ready". So why did I end up with a guy who is so scared to commit? And after all I have been through! Sedgwick, it isn't you. That does not make it any easier. I think that's our first inclination to go to is "what did I do" If he was hanging out with you to teach you a lesson then shame on him. He is the loser, and to do that to hurt you just shows what a icky guy he really is! Just hang in there, and do your best. Things will get better!
Author sedgwick Posted December 9, 2007 Author Posted December 9, 2007 it's just so hard to wonder what went wrong, y'know? it just sucks. SEVEN HOURS before he dumped me he fell asleep holding me in his arms and telling me he loved me. and then the next morning, it was, "i'm just not as sure about it as you are. you'll find someone else." this was after almost a year together. the thing is that i had no idea it was coming. NO idea. i have never tried harder in my life to be a good partner to someone. i felt as though i approached things from a sane and rational place. we didn't fight. all our friends thought we were perfect for each other. we both told each other we'd never felt that kind of connection before. but then...he just walked away and it was perfectly fine with him for me to "find someone else." which leads me to believe that he wouldn't have cared one bit if i'd found someone else that very day. the thing that really sucks is that in the five months since he left, two guys have professed to having crushes on me. one of them knew me in college and found me all these years later, telling me he'd thought of me all this time. one is a friend i met a few months ago. and i have NO interest in them whatsoever. none. can't even imagine dating. and when i think of him dating, it makes me sick. i just feel like if i'd been good enough, or if i'd done something or not done something, whatever it was, he wouldn't have left me. but in fact he told me he loved me, introduced me to several people that night as his girlfriend, came home and had great sex wtih me, and then the next morning told me he just wasn't sure about it and i'd find someone else. i asked him if he'd stopped loving me, and he said, "no, but i felt like i might, so i broke up with you before that happened."
nykal Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 it's just so hard to wonder what went wrong, y'know? it just sucks. SEVEN HOURS before he dumped me he fell asleep holding me in his arms and telling me he loved me. i asked him if he'd stopped loving me, and he said, "no, but i felt like i might, so i broke up with you before that happened." It's scary how so many guys are similar. Mine did nearly the exact same thing. (Although, it was more like sixteen hours for me.) Reading your story, all I can say is what everyone else has told you... You deserve someone better. You were too good for him. A relationship needs two people to work, and if it ends, fault doesn't only come from one side. Don't beat yourself up over it; like kymberann said, he's a loser. If he didn't realize that you were trying so hard to be a good partner, he really doesn't deserve you... I have to say, I think what went wrong is him. I can't believe it's been a year
jdizzle Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 It's scary how so many guys are similar. Mine did nearly the exact same thing. (Although, it was more like sixteen hours for me.) It's not just men. My gf did something similar to me. After a year and a half everything was so perfect. Two days before we broke up, we had a conversation about our love. She told me that it grows stronger and stronger each day. Next thing I know... she's not so sure about that love... and for no reason at all. These things are sometimes impossible to see coming. This last month has been the hardest of my life. So ladies, I'm right here with you...
Author sedgwick Posted December 9, 2007 Author Posted December 9, 2007 I wish I understood why people do this! HOW do you just fall out of love overnight? Or they just freak out about the idea of commitment? I've always thought that when you meet the right person, you want to commit, and anyone who says they're afraid of it is really just saying they're not that into you. But I really, really thought he WAS into me! The night before he dumped me I sat up after he fell asleep, writing in my journal, and I wrote about how it had taken me some time to get there but I finally believed that he loved me. I wrote about how good it was and how I felt like I could really relax and know that we were together and he wasn't going anywhere. And then he woke up and dumped me. It felt like being hit by a truck.
JHS Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 I wish I understood why people do this! HOW do you just fall out of love overnight? ... And then he woke up and dumped me. It felt like being hit by a truck. People don't just fall out of love like that - but more to the point, relationships aren't just about a "feeling" of love. They are much more complex and this was likely brewing a while. Just a thought: If you are marking the one year anniversary of the day you slept together you are probably doing other annoying things too. (Sorry for being harsh.)
Recommended Posts