TMCM Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 As long as contact exists between you and OM, the greater the chances of reigniting the affair (especially if there is a rough patch between you and your husband). Sticking to NC, you essentially eliminate this possibility/temptation forever. It's hard but in time it will become easier.
johnny47 Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 He's fishing...he's looking for ways to stay in your life, and resume/expand the affair. You bit. One more reason to tell your H. You've got no accountability...no repercussions for when you're weak and give in to things like this. You must understand that OM is now an enemy! You must know he hates you now! If he continues to contact you, he disrespects. you...he is on an attack! He is RAPING your privacy and sense of well-being! You must let him know that. Tell him if he persists you will tell your husband to inform the authorities that he is harassing you. Ofcourse you'll have to tell H. OM should know that you are willing to do that! Usually I tell women not to tell their husbands about their A voluntarily without weighing the possible reactions. Every H is different. Go to a MC. They will be able to assess when if the best time to tell him, or not at all. H have done some very harmful things to themselves and their loved ones when they find out. I know alot of posters will tell you to be upright and honest with S but the newspapers are filled with reports of violence and anger when a H finds out. (Even after a divorce) I would say this happens very rarely and that most H's will seem to come out the event with flying colors but if not done right, the A will haunt the marriage for years to come. Ofcourse there is no way there will not be 'hurt'. In this society a H thinks that he possesses the soul of a W, and until H realizes that W are seperate, complete entities in themselves, capable of making their own mistakes and their own choices, truth can be dangerous!
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 You need to block him. If you can't block him, then do not answer his text messages, emails or IM's.
Author feelingtorn Posted February 12, 2008 Author Posted February 12, 2008 how do you block him? I am not into cellphones, im, etc. I just buy a $100 phone card and it usually lasts me a year or so. Even during A, I used a phone card - that's how much I hate cell phones. I find them obnoxious. He has not contacted me again. Given the tone of my text, I think he got the message - no, I am no longer interested.
Author feelingtorn Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 update: I had a really nice conversation last night with my H. We each wrote down five things we are not happy with. I let him know that I want him to dress up more, go out more, and find another way to deal with his stress. He agreed with everything I said and started crying. We ended up crying together and shared all our feelings, etc. We decided to give our M two months. If it does not work, we will separate. It's been only 15 hours or more since the conversation, but he is already showing me improvements - dressing up, making a reservation at a place that is NOT WALKABLE and NEW. OM texted me, "happy valentine day", but can I ignore it? or should I respond? I don't want to be rude, but in this case, I am not being rude, right?
TMCM Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 OM texted me, "happy valentine day", but can I ignore it? or should I respond? I don't want to be rude, but in this case, I am not being rude, right? No you are not for he is an enemy of the marriage. You do want to save your marriage, right? If this is so then you must discard those warm, fuzzy feelings and change the way you view the OM, otherwise forget the 2 month trial period and simply go file for divorce.
Author feelingtorn Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 I have not texted him back. I thought long and hard and came to the conclusion that he was actually being the rude one by igonoring my request of break up and NC. Yes, I would like to stay with my H. He is already trying to improve himself, and I am looking forward to our future together.
TMCM Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 That's good but what are YOU doing to improve yourself? to be a better wife?
Owl Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 You need to sit down with your H, and write a letter to OM. Tell him in point blank terms that you are working on your marriage, and that you no longer want ANY contact, of any kind from him. Explain to him that your affair with him was a mistake, and you are no longer willing to continue that mistake. Do not contact me again. Make sure your H reads it, and agrees to it. Send it to OM, and copy your H on it so OM KNOWS that your H was part of the whole deal. Don't leave any doubt in the air at all about your intentions. Otherwise, he's going to keep trying.
whichwayisup Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 update: I had a really nice conversation last night with my H. We each wrote down five things we are not happy with. I let him know that I want him to dress up more, go out more, and find another way to deal with his stress. He agreed with everything I said and started crying. We ended up crying together and shared all our feelings, etc. We decided to give our M two months. If it does not work, we will separate. It's been only 15 hours or more since the conversation, but he is already showing me improvements - dressing up, making a reservation at a place that is NOT WALKABLE and NEW. OM texted me, "happy valentine day", but can I ignore it? or should I respond? I don't want to be rude, but in this case, I am not being rude, right? You need more than 2 months. You two need to give yourselves atleast a year of marriage counselling together - Unless both of you decide it's not worth fighting for in 2 months, then yes, end it and separate/divorce. Just a question? What were the 5 things you wanted from your H? Yes, ignore OM. Completely... I have not texted him back. I thought long and hard and came to the conclusion that he was actually being the rude one by igonoring my request of break up and NC. Yes, I would like to stay with my H. He is already trying to improve himself, and I am looking forward to our future together. Then tell your H that the OM texted you and go from there. I don't understand why you're so worried about hurting the OM or being rude to him. The A is over, OM contacting you when he knows NC is in place IS disrespectful and he doesn't care if you're married or not, he wants attention, reaction, whatever, and that's why he tm'd you. Ignore it.
twice_shy Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 I know that I am not perfect and have made a terrible mistake. I am trying to fix it and start fresh. I still love OM Ok, stop right there. If it was a mistake, you wouldn't be in love with another man. Call it a lousy choice, but not a mistake. but have realized that my love for H is far greater than for OM. If you loved your husband so much, you wouldn't have cheated on him. How do you present the idea of NC without hurting the feeling of OM? You just do it. The feelings of the OM shouldn't matter one freakin' bit. It is the feelings of your husband that is more important. I don't know whether your husband knows or not. Why is it that in an affair, the cheater always seems to care more about the feelings of the interloper instead of their own spouse? So again, you just do it. You tell him its over, you need to concentrate on the marriage, and you can't see him any more. As far as the OM's feelings, tough toenails. He sure didn't think about the kind of hurt he could have subjected your husband to by bedding his wife down did he?
twice_shy Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 Whether positive or negative, I always appreciate everyone's inputs. I know that a lot of you think that telling your partner about A is the way to go, but I still don't agree. Here is the #1 reason to tell your spouse. Because it is the "unselfish" thing to do. You don't think your husband will find out? What if years later this OM gets drunk one night and decides to really turn your world upside down and rat you out to your husband? Your husband will then think that all these years were spent living a lie. And if your husband is the kind of guy to divorce over infidelity, and who could blame him, then those will be many years of his life of which you robbed him that he will never get back. And of course you don't agree that you shouldn't tell you're husband. You are scared to death that he might kick you to the curb, or just scared to admit that you are a cheater.
twice_shy Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 no, I have not told him and have no plan of doing so. No worries - I am not going to get back to OM or A with another man. I exprienced it and do not want to repeat the same mistake. I am going to seek CC soon and if H does not get better, I will seek D. Did it occur to you that maybe while having an affair, you changed a little bit in the way you interact with your husband? Maybe he doesn't know you were messing around with another guy, but when someone is having an affair, they can say all they want that nothing has changed at home, but something has and it may be enough for him to change his own behavior, whether he realizes what went on or not.
twice_shy Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 update: I had a really nice conversation last night with my H. We each wrote down five things we are not happy with. I let him know that I want him to dress up more, go out more, and find another way to deal with his stress. He agreed with everything I said and started crying. We ended up crying together and shared all our feelings, etc. We decided to give our M two months. If it does not work, we will separate. It's been only 15 hours or more since the conversation, but he is already showing me improvements - dressing up, making a reservation at a place that is NOT WALKABLE and NEW. Ok great! Now what have you done for him? Seems really one sided so far. OM texted me, "happy valentine day", but can I ignore it? aye yi yi. YES, YOU CAN IGNORE IT!! this man is not your husband. And even just wondering if you can ignore it is showing disrespect to your husband. So far it looks like you want HIM to do all this changing. What is your change gonna be? You know, you say you love your husband, and he seems like he wants to try to make a good marriage. But its obvious, whether you admit it or not, that you are hung up and concerned about what this other man thinks of you. Maybe you should just get a divorce. You're husband doesn't deserve to be in a marriage with someone that expects him to do all the work in making a good marriage while his wife is worried about the feelings of some other man.
Author feelingtorn Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 Sorry if I did not WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING my H and I discussed. Of course, he had his own list of things for me. It's a bit embarassing to admit this, but I do C for a living. I am such a cynic about the whole field, and so is my H. I admit that I am not perfect, but will try to work on them. Regarding OM contacting my H, I'd highly doubt it. OM does not know my H's name. We do not own a house phone. He is not the type of a person who would randomly visit our house or my work.
Owl Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 OK, Counselor...heal thyself! What would you advise someone who came to you with your story? What would you tell them to do? Why? Step outside of yourself for a minute...write down your situation on a piece of paper...put it up for a day or two...then come back to it and "counsel the situation...not the person". As a counselor...can you not see the need for an "accountability partner" in your situation? Can you not see why that person SHOULD be your husband? I can't imagine what it would be like to doing a profession that you are cynical about for a living. Surely you've got to feel that you do some good...and therefore the right counselor could do YOU some good as well, no? Give some serious thought about my suggestion. There isn't a single recommendation I've made that doesn't make clear, practical sense for you to do...the only thing that's stopping you from moving forward is YOU.
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