how do you go NC?

[Confused9]

Well that's hard to say.

 

If you don't stay in the marriage do you feel you may end up regretting it in the end? If you do stay are you always going to be thinking there may be something else 'better' out there? I don't know and I think it's going to take a lot of soul searching to find out.

 

I can say I never lived on my own and now I am 26 and living alone and it is not what it's cracked up to be. I am so LONELY. Although, my engagement just ended and it wasn't my decision so for you it could be different, but our situations are very different.

 

I think IC may be great to help you decide some of this. I hope you make the right decision. Just try and imagine your life without your H. Because, I don't know if you could be friends with him right at the beginning. I am sure there will be a lot of hurt. Imagine not spending forever with him. If that thought doesn't make you want to throw up then maybe it is time to start seperation proceedings. Give yourself a chance to see what it is you are searching for. This may have nothing to do with men...maybe you just need to get to know yourself.

 

Good luck to you.

[DazedandConfused66]

I knew because it seems like we were involved with the same man -- manipulative, selfish, self-serving.

 

Actually, I think most people would classify most married people who cheat as being manipulative, selfish and self-serving. If they were NOT those things, they'd address the problems within their marriage and with their spouse rather than self-medicating via emotional or physical involvement outside the marriage.

 

For all those who question the viability of telling the BS about their affair, I wish to contribute some very old advice I once received from a very old woman.

 

She told me "The secret to a life-long love affair with your spouse is to spend at least 51% of your time worrying about THEIR feelings, and only 49% worrying about your OWN. But this only works if they do the same...that way, you both get 100% of your feelings addressed, but the majority from each you is about the other person."

 

Sounded kinda cryptic to me at the time, but I have to say, that has been the secret to my marriage. When I start caring about MY feelings more than my wife's, or she does likewise, things get out of balance. When we do the 51/49 thing, great things can and have happened.

 

If you care about your husbands' feelings just a smidge more than your own.....you'd tell him what you've done. If you don't, you won't. You can rationalize hiding it all you want, but in the end....your feelings about what you've done are more important than his right to know as your life partner if you choose to hide this.

 

Good luck with the consequences of your actions. Karma really does exist, I believe that. I hope you realize that karma has a nasty way of coming back into your life if you choose to hide your bad decisions from your husband forever. Think about that...and think about how much of the love affair with your husband you could lose by always keeping this as a "secret guilt" between the two of you.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You know what's funny. These cheating women even after they attempt to control the situations outcome by not being honest and still living a lie, only make it harder for themselves.

 

You dont tell your husband about the affair out of guilt, You tell him because you have harmed him yourelf and your marriage. You tell him because you have sinned against him and is willingto make things right, you tell him because it's the truth.

 

I gotta ask you cheating or formerly cheating women have you had any STD tests done?

 

Also if your husband was cheating with a close female friend or family member wouldnt you want to know???

 

Why hide the truth from the one's we supposedly love huh?

[Confused9]

Baracuda,

 

These cheating women even after they attempt to control the situations outcome by not being honest and still living a lie, only make it harder for themselves.

 

I gotta ask you cheating or formerly cheating women have you had any STD tests done?

 

Don't you mean these cheating people? Why generalize it to just women? Men are the same freaking way. I have never cheated but I am a woman and this post bothered me a little.

 

Ok...off my soap box!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Baracuda,

 

These cheating women even after they attempt to control the situations outcome by not being honest and still living a lie, only make it harder for themselves.

 

I gotta ask you cheating or formerly cheating women have you had any STD tests done?

 

Don't you mean these cheating people? Why generalize it to just women? Men are the same freaking way. I have never cheated but I am a woman and this post bothered me a little.

 

Ok...off my soap box!

 

Naw, dont get it twisted. I didnt mean all the women in the world cheat. I was just referring to the main poster and someone else who is in the situation.

 

It's not a generalization. men and women cheat, but since this is a woman started thread I just pointed that out to them, no biggie.

[StillSame]

I don't miss OM. During the last two months, everytime I saw him, I felt incredible guilt that I couldn't really enjoy spending time with him.

 

 

Don't you have guilt keeping this awful secret from your "best friend" for years and years to come?

[TMCM]

Forgive me if I'm seem harsh but I don't think you are up to the task of being in any kind of committed relationship and I say this not out of malice but because of statements you made such as the following one:

 

As I mentioned above, I've never had the opportunity to live on my own. I've been daydreaming about leaving my H and living by myself - I like it. However, at the same time, I feel like I'd get very loney (no family) and financially struggle (H makes twice more).

 

As someone once said to me 'You cannot love someone if your heart is full of fear'. I hope you keep this in mind.

[feelingtorn]

Whether positive or negative, I always appreciate everyone's inputs.

 

I know that a lot of you think that telling your partner about A is the way to go, but I still don't agree.

 

If your spouse is suspcioius of your behavior and is questioning, I think you should tell the whole truth before getting caught.

 

However, your spoouse is not suspicious, and you broke it off on your own and learned the valuable lesson from the experience, why tell the truth?

 

I am very happy right now. I had a nice relationship with H before A, but I took him for granted often and also wished he would go out with me more often. After A, I now know that he is the one for me. We also have a date night and am having a lot of fun. Why tell him now?

 

It was only a month ago when I broke A off, but really it feels like it happened many years ago. I don't even think about OM.

 

I know that some of you may find me cowardy and dishonest, but I think it is sometimes ok to have your own secret from your best friend.

[Trecherized]

FT- I have to agree with you on certain levels. I was cheated on but I actually wish she never admitted to it. I would have loved it if after she realized her mistakes, that she made it up to me by doing every single thing she knows that makes me happy. On the other hand, I actually confessed that I was seeing someone when we met. Long story short I was a juvenile at the time and no physical relationship was involved. We were together for exactly 8 years and 8 mos.

 

As long as it does not eat you up later then I would say don't tell him. There are things that are better left unsaid. My ex told me that it was going to eat her up for the rest of her life if she wouldn't have told me so she finally cracked. Well, I'm happy for you and your H. He deserves a clear mind so don't cloud it by telling him. just my opinion.

[Owl]

FT-

 

You know your H. Would he want to know the truth from you about what's gone on, or would he prefer that you lied to him by omission?

 

This isn't all about what YOU feel, btw. That mindset is what led to your affair to begin with.

 

When do HIS feelings/wants/needs get factored in?

[Owl]

Trech...have you posted your story here on the board?

[BetrayedMM]

Ugh, no, no, no! A thousand times NO!

 

That kind of secret will poison your relationship! Yes! It will! There is a ghost in your bed. On some level your husband knows this. It will have an affect eventually.

 

Keeping secrets is no way to bare and share your soul in a marriage. Also, your sex life is very much your husband's business. Yes, I do think it's cowardly, and your fear is what's holding you back more that concern for his feelings. Yes, he will be hurt, however, it is not the act of telling that hurts him, but the dirty deed itself. You already did that. He has a right to know. But, you don't want to pay for what you've done, so you betray him further by hiding what you've done to him.

Are you going to wait until he finds out on his own? Don't underestimate his intelligence, he is most likely quite capable of adding it all up. In that case, he will have just as much trouble forgiving you for keeping the secret as he will for you actually doing it! You are only adding to the offense.

 

Of course the OM used you! And, you used him too. You may not see it that way, but it's the truth. That's neither here nor there, but the OM didn't trick you, and you are not a victim.

 

I think you're sorry you did it, and ashamed. However, since you are unwilling to pay the price for what you've done (your husband seeing the REAL you and having the opportunity to decide if that's what he wants), it ain't remorse, and you are quite capable of doing it again.

 

I wouldn't want to be him, because I AM him. I found out myself. Had she told me, if there were remorse, there would be room in my heart for her. However, since she made the mistake of thinking like you(what they don't know won't hurt them), she will have the joy of experiencing 'sudden divorce syndrome'. Because, what they don't know certainly does hurt them! Now, SHE's the one who doesn't know. Justice.

 

Sudden Divorce Syndrome. Look it up. It can happen to women too, just ask a lawyer...

[TMCM]

Whether positive or negative, I always appreciate everyone's inputs.

 

I know that a lot of you think that telling your partner about A is the way to go, but I still don't agree.

 

If your spouse is suspcioius of your behavior and is questioning, I think you should tell the whole truth before getting caught.

 

However, your spoouse is not suspicious, and you broke it off on your own and learned the valuable lesson from the experience, why tell the truth?

 

I am very happy right now. I had a nice relationship with H before A, but I took him for granted often and also wished he would go out with me more often. After A, I now know that he is the one for me. We also have a date night and am having a lot of fun. Why tell him now?

 

It was only a month ago when I broke A off, but really it feels like it happened many years ago. I don't even think about OM.

 

I know that some of you may find me cowardy and dishonest, but I think it is sometimes ok to have your own secret from your best friend.

 

If your husband is none the wiser of your affair, then the temptation will always be there for you to cheat on him again, especially when things are not going well between the two of you and there is another man interested in you. It's up to you whether or not you confess to your husband your affair but you may want to ask yourself, would I like to be married to someone like me?

[Trecherized]

Trech...have you posted your story here on the board?

 

yes i have.

[feelingtorn]

I am sure everyone here has experienced the high when you are in love. You think about the person all the time and giggle for no reason. Any silly thing the person said or did seems so funny and memorable.

 

Well, last night, I was running home from the gym and giggled because I thought of something my H said in the morning. That's when I realized that I finally moved on and am fully back to my old self.

 

I am going to delete his emails and voicemail today. I know I should have destoryed them a long time ago, but it didn't seem like a good idea at the time.

[whichwayisup]

I am going to delete his emails and voicemail today. I know I should have destoryed them a long time ago, but it didn't seem like a good idea at the time.

 

Definately! Do that and I'm sure you'll feel a weight lifted off your shoulders.

 

I'm glad to hear you're feeling like your old self again!

[feelingtorn]

thought about starting another thread, but figured that this way I wouldn't need to explain my background history.

 

I thought everything was peachy and rosy. OM and I exchanged my very amiable emails, and neither of us have broken NC. My H and I did very well. I stopped going out so much and spent more time with him, which made a huge difference for us.

 

Now, here's the problem. My H gets stressed out easily. He is a great mellow guy when he smokes (not the ciggy kind, you know what I mean). He is fun and wants to do things. The problem is when he smokes, he can not drive and he gets too paranoid to let me drive. Therefore, we have to walk everywhere. What I loved about OM was that he was willing to DRIVE AND GO SOMEWHERE NICE. I love the whole dressing up and going out part, but my H is just not into it.

 

Recently, he stopped smoking - he goes through different phrases. He is now all cranky and depressed. Not fun to be around. I am tiptoing around him to make sure that I am not doing anything to irritate his already-foul mood. He works long hours too. I had dinner with my best gf last night and came home late. I did it because I wanted to spend the whole weekend with him. When I got home, he was cranky because he just got done with work. He said, "get to bed soon or sleep on the sofa. I NEED TO SLEEP NOW!" and slammed the bedroom door.

 

The first thing hit my mind at the moment was OM. Not sure what I am trying to get out of this post, but I just needed to vent out, I guess.

[Cobra_X30]

Recently, he stopped smoking - he goes through different phrases. He is now all cranky and depressed. Not fun to be around. I am tiptoing around him to make sure that I am not doing anything to irritate his already-foul mood. He works long hours too. I had dinner with my best gf last night and came home late. I did it because I wanted to spend the whole weekend with him. When I got home, he was cranky because he just got done with work. He said, "get to bed soon or sleep on the sofa. I NEED TO SLEEP NOW!" and slammed the bedroom door.

 

The first thing hit my mind at the moment was OM. Not sure what I am trying to get out of this post, but I just needed to vent out, I guess.

 

So... this whole relationship is built around what your H can do for you? The moment he isn't giving you his 100% it's time to find another guy?

 

At some point your going to have to work out a compromise with him in regards to going out! Find out what causes him to not want to go. Is it the $$$, social anxiety... ect. Once you discuss that you may tackle the issue head on.

 

I think your attitude is a big impediment to this. As long as you can mentally or physically run to other men when you don't get what you want, you wont feel the need to compromise.

 

That may not have answered your question per/se, however I think it explains your current situation.

[feelingtorn]

So... this whole relationship is built around what your H can do for you? The moment he isn't giving you his 100% it's time to find another guy?

 

of course not. I just don't want to live with a cranky, depressed, paranoid, anti-social person.

[whichwayisup]

So, talk to your husband about his mood swings. And, don't bank all your happiness in him. I'm sure there are a ton of things in your house that can occupy your time when he's in a cranky mood. Just not the OM and thinking of 'what it used to be like' with him.

 

Another thing, you and your husband COULD take a taxi instead of walking, depending on how far it is you need to go, or a bus, transit (subway) etc...Or, you could just drive anyway and put up with his paranoria when it comes to you driving.

 

Has he gotten any help with his paranoria, depression?

 

It seems though whatever problems were there before the A are still there so this is something you need to work on with him and hopefully together you can make it better, or separate/divorce. Sticking with him and still kind of wanting the OM, possibly slipping back into the A is the wrong approach.. (Not saying you want the A to happen again, but given your frame of mind and the state of your marriage now, it's a possibility.)

 

Forgive me if I've forgotten here, but did your H know about your A?

[Cobra_X30]

of course not. I just don't want to live with a cranky, depressed, paranoid, anti-social person.

 

You said he isn't always like that. Therefore the assumption is that you love him when he acts like you want him to, and don't love him anymore when he stops.

 

??

 

That's where I get confused about your "love" for him.

 

So... do you actually love him, or just love part of him, or sometimes love him sometimes not?

 

Those are important distinctions to make!

[feelingtorn]

 

Forgive me if I've forgotten here, but did your H know about your A?

 

no, I have not told him and have no plan of doing so.

 

No worries - I am not going to get back to OM or A with another man. I exprienced it and do not want to repeat the same mistake. I am going to seek CC soon and if H does not get better, I will seek D.

[Owl]

You might also insist that your H get medical help in dealing with ending his "smoking" and dealing with his issues.

 

Something else to consider...knowing about the affair might be the trigger your H needs to make the changes that YOU need from him.

 

It happens a LOT as a result of a BS learning about the affair.

[feelingtorn]

OM texted me a week ago. Late saturday night....he texted, "hi, just wanted to see how you are doing?"

 

After the break-up, neither of us contacted each other over 1 month. Why suddenly? In his last email, he even wrote that he did not want to be "friends" with me.

 

I did not know how to respond to him, but I also knew I should not text anything romantic back....like honey, xoxo, miss you, etc.

 

I just texted, "uh oh, friends don't let friends text drunk." I just assumed he was drunk because he tends to go out with his buddies every friday and saturday. Then, he texted, "lol, i am being a good boy and staying in. just wanted to say hi."

 

We exchanged benign texts like hope all is well with you. I deleted all his messages and numbers, so it took me a while to figure out who it was from.

 

I shouldn't even dwell on it, but I couldn't help thinking about it for a couple of days.

[Owl]

He's fishing...he's looking for ways to stay in your life, and resume/expand the affair.

 

You bit.

 

One more reason to tell your H. You've got no accountability...no repercussions for when you're weak and give in to things like this.