how do you go NC?

[feelingtorn]

Hi, over the past five months, althought I have not posted my full story, I'ved learned a lot from this site. I truly appreciate all your wisdom and life experience.

 

I met OM in Feb and developed EA right away. Instant attraction. Should not have agreed to meet him again, but I did....and did again and again. Started PA in June. Have attempted to break it off four times, but to no avail.

 

After reading many posts, I now understand it's NOT POSSIble to maintain in his life as a friend and vice versa. The last time I tried, it was two weeks ago, and he said he'd think about it. However, when I saw him a week ago, he started talking about his next plan for both of us and I just did not have a heart to stick to my decision.

 

I know that I am not perfect and have made a terrible mistake. I am trying to fix it and start fresh. I still love OM, but have realized that my love for H is far greater than for OM.

 

How do you present the idea of NC without hurting the feeling of OM?

[feelingtorn]

Hi again,

 

I desperately need your sage advice.

 

I am meeting him this sat for lunch. I am going to bring up the "difficult" topic again and make it REALLY clear that I want to break it off.

 

Should I tell him that I am happily married and after thinking long and hard, I've realized that even if I were single, I would not go out with him? My H is a home-body and never goes out. On the other hand, OM loves partying and goes out every weekend. It was fun at first, but quickly, I realized that a guy in his late 30s shouldn't party with his boys every friday and saturday. There are a lot more turn-offs, but should I go on and list everything? I'ved tried to break it off, but each time, he gives me a hard time saying that I am being selfish.

 

So, here's another idea. Should I not mention all the hurtful stuff above and just stick to my martial status? I am married and want to fix my mistake that I've made????

 

I explained my thought via email and over the phone, but each time, he gave me a guilt trip saying that it was very inpersonal and we should talk in person. When we meet, he stops me from talking about it....saying "why are you trying to ruin our time together with such a talk? I don't get to see you very often."

 

Any thought would be greatly appreciated. I know that I've made a HUGE mistake and want to fix it.

[Dazed1]

Torn;

 

You simply can't keep on pretending as if you are actually trying to do this. You have to actually make the decision and stick to it like the rest of us grownups do.

 

You have the control. You can do anything you really want to do.

 

C'mon. I know you have the spine for it, start by not going on Saturday and refusing to speak w/ him. You can do this, do it already. No more excuses.

 

-Dazed

[whichwayisup]

You should go read stampdaddy's thread in the OW/OM section....His MW is supposed to be in NC mode, fixing her marriage, yet she has broken NC and it's killing him. His future all depends on her choice to stay married or divorce.

 

Now, you are married and want your marriage to work? Then tell the OM the truth. Tell him that you NEED to focus ONLY on your husband and the A has to end completley. Ask him to respect your wishes and never contact you again. You also need to stick to that promise as well. Never contact him again so you can fix your marriage and reconnect with your husband.

 

Another thing, your husband's feelings should be first priority, not the OM. The OM is a big boy and can handle some hurt! I mean, affairs hurt everyone and he knew you were married all along, part of the consquence for him by involving himself with a MW.

 

I am with Dazed, you don't need to go see him, you can send him an email or talk to him on the phone, but email would be better. Make it clear that it IS over.

[feelingtorn]

Thanks for posting your thoughts - it's already clearing my head A LOT. Why haven't I realized this....I DO HAVE control over all the decisions I make.

 

Ok, this is going to sound like very cowardy....but I am trying not to upset OM. What if he contacts H and tells all? I know a lot of you think that BS have a right to know everything about A, but I am hoping to avoid it.

[whichwayisup]

Have you thought about telling your H about your affair? It would be better for your husband to hear it from you and not the OM.

 

I can see why you're abit afraid to deal with the OM, and not hurt him, in hopes he won't tell your husband, but that is part of the fallout of an affair and the consquences that happen by the choices made. Your OM is going to hurt no matter what, but with that being said, he knew all along you were married...Or did you imply you two had a future and you were going to leave your husband, and start a life with him?

 

Think about coming clean to your husband.

[Dazed1]

this is going to sound like very cowardy....but I am trying not to upset OM.

 

K, here's the thing.... he's been playing you, and he's still playing you. As long as he keeps you off-balance he's winning and getting his "no-real comittment" booty call. You are tearing yourself all up and yet worried about hurting his little feelers??! You need to do what you need to do!

 

What if he contacts H and tells all?

 

Personally, I don't advocate telling yourself or not telling and bearing your own crosses. But the reality is that you are not going on w/ OM right? You also had an affair, and as such are prepared to deal with any fallout. (I hope). You can disarm the htreat and tell all, or you can hope OM keeps his trap shut. What you cannot do is fold over a threat. If OM threatens exposure, then you have to do it first and deal w/ the consequences.

 

It will go far better for you if you have ended it on your own and tell the truth. If you capitulate and your H finds out; or worse catches you while it's still going, well...

 

What sounds better to you?

 

"I had an affair, and I ended it because I realized i love you more than ever." or:

 

"I started an affair, and i really wanted to end it, but it just happened and I couldn't because he was going to tell you..."

 

More choices for you to make Torn. Do what's right.

 

-Dazed

[Bryanp]

You need to be tested for STD's. This is the very very least you should be doing for your husband. How do you think you would be feeling if the roles had been reversed? Do you think this would not happen because your husband has too much respect for you? It is sad that you clearly cannot say the same. By withholding the truth from your husband you are still betraying and disrespecting him.

 

Shouldn't he have all the facts so he can decide what he wishes to do? It sounds like this is all about you and you do not wish to suffer any consequences from your actions. Have at least the decency to be honest with your husband. Dosen't he at least deserve this much from you?

[Confused9]

feelingtorn,

 

are you honestly going to be able to continue your marriage without telling you H that you had an A? I mean...seriously? Think about that and if the answer is no, then YOU need to tell him. Especially if you are scared the OM won't. In my opinion, I would think the guilt of having an A and not telling you H about it could really ruin your relationship. You have a lot of thinking to do.

 

As for the NC...JUST DO IT. I wouldn't go to lunch with him on Sat. That is only going to cause more problems. It's amazing that he is finding you insensitve for breaking it off via email or phone...YOU ARE MARRIED!!! It's insensitive to cheat. You don't owe him that. People may disagree with me but I can only speak as a person that's been cheated on. Maybe I am biased? I just think you need to think long and hard about your life and your priorities. At the end of the day who you end up with is in your hands. As much as you say you want to be with you H and make it work...is that really how you feel?

 

If so...wouldn't you be putting him first? Wouldn't you come clean? Wouldn't you stop seeing OM? Again, these are just questions I am asking you for you to ask for yourself. I am not assuming you would be doing these things because I have never been in your shoes so I can't understand where you are coming from or how conflicted you must feel.

 

Best of luck to you.

[feelingtorn]

Thank you so much.

 

I've felt so lousy and rude for cancelling the lunch date, but your responses have made me realized that I can actually cancel it and it's OK.

 

I just emailed him an email. I am sure he is going to email me back saying "let's talk" or "I will call you tonight", but I am not going to talk to him or return his call. Thank you again for giving me the courage.

 

I got myself tested and am ok.

 

I got married young and never lived by myself. I did not have a bad marriage before I met OM or don't even now. It sounds awful, but I guess I got bored and also liked toying with the idea that I could un-marry myself and be on my own - not so much being with OM.

 

I recently could have a major accident, but god gave me a lucky break. I really thought about karma and wanted to amend the mistake that I've made this year.

 

Talking to H about the affair.....I am going to brutally honest here. I am scared. I don't know if I am brave enough to tell him who I REALLY am and what I have done behind his back.

[feelingtorn]

a quick update:

Thanks for your email, I am very dissapointed that you get to decide when you want to stop seeing me! I thought when you love someone you can atleast talk about it in person and I asked you to not write emails

like this and you did anyways.

 

I am very upset right now and dont think its a good idea too talk to you at this time

 

I am feeing torn...literally. Please tell me that I did not do anything wrong and it's ok to ignore his message and I should not cave in and say "let's meet and talk". I've tried "let's meet and talk" many times and they never worked.

[whichwayisup]

DO not cave! He is hurting and so leave him alone. He agreed with you, not to talk, so don't.

 

This is the first step of letting go of him, sure it hurt you, but what was your other choice? Continue the A or end your marriage to be with the OM? You did the right thing..

[feelingtorn]

thanks whichway.

 

He just texted me with the same message - "I can't believe you cancelled our get-together. I do not want to talk to you at this time". Why twice? Wasn't his first email enough? What's he thinking?

[whichwayisup]

He's testing you. Ignore it.

 

What did you say to him in your email to him? Did you tell him that the A is over and it's best not to talk again? Or did you just cancel the lunch?

[feelingtorn]

No, I said I did not want to see him any more.

 

a direct quote:

I hope you've gotten to know me enough to realize that I am not wired to do this. I've now realized that I am only a human and am not perfect. However, it does not mean that I should continue to be deceitful, lying, unfaithful person. After the accident, I've really thought about karma and, want to start fresh and amend the mistakes I've made this year.

 

I am still glad that we met. You are such a wonderful person who deserves so much more. I can not give you all the love you deserve. I am married. Because we both have developed romantic feelings toward each other, it has been challenging for me to stick to my moral code and be true to what I say and stay firm. Every time we hung, I instantly forgot everything and felt like we were a couple. I really thought about being with you, but given the huge differences between us, I am not sure if I am ready for the challenge. This is not a pity talk, but as you know my upbringing, I can not betray my best friend and family any more.

 

I felt funny about pasting the entire email, but I was VERY CLEAR.

 

I honestly don't know what's ahead of me, but I already feel like a huge weight is off my chest. Thank you again. I really don't have anybody to talk to about this and appreciate all your inputs.

[whichwayisup]

Yes you were clear. And again, you're doing the right thing. AND, again, he knew going in that you were a married woman so this was bound to end sooner or later.

 

Keep strong and ignore his attempts if he continues to contact you.

[Dazed1]

You did good Torn.

 

Now dig your heels in and don't let him push any of your buttons.

 

-Dazed

[Cobra_X30]

Talking to H about the affair.....I am going to brutally honest here. I am scared. I don't know if I am brave enough to tell him who I REALLY am and what I have done behind his back.

 

If you actually love him... you dont have the option. He needs to be told the whole truth, despite the consequences.

 

So do you really love your husband... or are you just pretending to?

[nadiaj2727]

Hello feelingtorn.

 

As an introduction so you know where I'm coming from -- I am a former OW; I broke off the affair with xMM because I felt guilty. I thought I loved him (later realized it was a fantasy and he is a lying sack of dogpoo) and I knew it wasn't right because he was married (although he disagreed of course).

 

I have a couple pieces of advice to give you about NC based on my experiences, and a piece of advice about telling your husband, even though I am not married so perhaps it is not in my realm of advice-giving qualification lol.

 

1) You did the right thing by writing him the email. In fact, if anything, you expressed too much emotion. I've found that the only way to get the message across is by silence. If you give them an inch (ex. "I feel bad b/c we have romantic feelings, but we must end this"), they take a mile (thinking in their head that this means "ah hah, she's admitted she still has feelings for me, we really aren't over.) I feel he will keep trying to contact you -- you must stand your ground and show him by your actions, not your words (since you are now in no contact -- congratulations!! that's a great choice and it means no contact at all, so no talking to him).

 

2) Staying in NC means thinking about YOURSELF and what is best for YOU (and your marriage/ husband) instead of about OM, who is obviously being dilusional and selfish.

 

His email where he said:

 

Thanks for your email, I am very dissapointed that you get to decide when you want to stop seeing me! I thought when you love someone you can atleast talk about it in person and I asked you to not write emails

like this and you did anyways.

 

sounds manipulative and a lot like my xMM. Every time I tried to break up with him (it took me a couple weeks until I realized I had to go completely NC, and until I did I was completely miserable, which is why I advised you above to go completely NC now), he would say things like, "it's not fair that you made the decision to break us up on your own, without even considering my feelings or talking to me about it. I think we should at least come to a decision about it together. I asked you to think about what I want and how I'm feeling..."

 

Oh pu-lease, boo F-in hoo, that's emotional blackmail, it's selfish, and it's too damn bad for them -- this is *not* about a relationship decision to be made between him and you. This has nothing to do with him and it never should have in the first place. ( If he cares about you at all, he should want you to do the right thing and he should respect your decision no matter how much he feels it hurts.) This is about your own decision as a married woman (as it was about my own decision as a single person "dating" a married man) to stop an affair because you know it is wrong. It doesn't matter what his feelings are -- he should know (and eventually he'll get the hint) that in being with someone who is married, his feelings aren't the ones that should matter at all.

 

3) Just as an aside, I agree with the above comment by Cobra that you should tell your husband if you truly love him. Love is not self-serving; you can't choose what to tell the person you love based on what makes you look bad versus good; you have to present the whole story to them and let them make up their own mind about the relationship they're in -- whether to forgive you or move on without you.

 

I know that's harsh, but the truth really will set you free. Not telling will eat you up inside. Wouldn't you want your husband to tell you if he had done the same thing? Also, telling him will make *sure* you keep NC with OM, because you will have to be accountable to your H for your future actions.

 

Think about what the right thing to do is (NOT what is in your best interest, but what is in the best interest of your husband who you love?). Be honest with yourself, out of your love for him, and not out of your desire to cover up your actions or protect your own guilty butt. If you feel the right thing is to tell him, then you should tell him, and I know it's scary, but doing the right thing is not always easy.

 

I also think it will be *much* better on him and also for you and your marriage if you tell him yourself instead of risking him finding out some other way (from OM or on his own). I would just say, "My darling, I am so sorry, I did the worst thing imaginable. I know it was the worst thing I could ever possibly do to you, and I am so sorry. I am not asking you to forgive me, but I want to let you know that I realized what I was doing was wrong, that I love you and I no longer want to hurt you, and I stopped it for good, I learned my lesson and I will never do it again, I promise." Then let the chips fall as they may. I know this advice sounds harsh but I think you are ready to hear it because you sound like someone who is trying to do the right thing.

 

But if you feel like the best thing for HIM is not to tell him, then don't. I am not a marriage expert but my gut feeling about the right thing to do is to tell someone about something like this that obviously affects them.

 

Sorry for such a long reply and I apologize if I sounded too harsh. STAY STRONG and keep NC; do not worry about OM's feelings, focus on your husband's feelings and your marriage. I commend you for doing the right thing -- you are a very good person despite your bad decision (I can relate!!!). You will be stronger and happier for deciding to the right thing from here on out. (hugs!)

[feelingtorn]

he would say things like, "it's not fair that you made the decision to break us up on your own, without even considering my feelings or talking to me about it. I think we should at least come to a decision about it together. I asked you to think about what I want and how I'm feeling..."

(hugs!)

 

wow, how did you know????? he DID say this to me each time i tried to break it off with him.

 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, corbra and nadiaj. I will think about your advice.

[nadiaj2727]

wow, how did you know????? he DID say this to me each time i tried to break it off with him.

 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, corbra and nadiaj. I will think about your advice.

 

 

I knew because it seems like we were involved with the same man -- manipulative, selfish, self-serving. The only difference is that mine was married and yours was dating a married woman. I think it takes certain character flaws in common to do either of those things though. (Not to say *I* wasn't flawed then too, I certainly was, but I see my flaws more as insecurity and the temporary inability to say no to him/ hurt him, where his flaws were and are permanently being too self-centered and wanting everything focused on him.)

 

My xMM pretty much followed the Script -- what all cheating MM say to their OWs and Ws to keep both of them. It took me too long to figure it out, but once I did, I have him pegged, I started to see right through everything he said, and he could no longer fool me. He turned out to be an uncaring jerk, NOT at all the guy I thought he was. I learned soooo much from that horrible decision of mine!

[Ronni_W]

Ok, this is going to sound like very cowardy....but I am trying not to upset OM. What if he contacts H and tells all?

 

Is there any real reason to suspect that OM has it in him to do that? Or, and with all kindness, is it just something you've talked yourself into, to justify some other action that you want to take (like meeting him one last time or whatever)?

 

I'd think long and hard over my motive for telling H of the affair - is it mostly just to alleviate MY own guilt or do I truly think it's going to help us in the long run?

 

If OM does end up telling H, I would handle it from that point -- "Honestly, I'd already chosen to end it and was hoping to get the stupid decision that I made behind me, without hurting you even more"...or words to that effect (assuming the sentiment is true for you, of course.)

 

Best of luck.

[feelingtorn]

ronni,

 

i doubt it, but you never know. I don't think OM knows my H's last name. Even if he does, he doesn't come across as someone who would google people's contact information. However, one can never assume anything. I was one of those people who were dead against "cheating", and look where i am at right now.

[Confused9]

Feelingtorn,

You also need to figure out what made you cheat. Your ‘recovery’ from this is not going to be successful if you don’t work through what caused this in the first place. As many people have pointed out people cheat for all different reasons but generally something within them is not happy or something is lacking.

[

Do you really want to be with you H? Is this the best thing for you? Is it due to convenience or love? (Again, only asking so you can ask yourself.) I just want YOU take make the best decision for you.

 

As for the OM – I would run far far away from him. You can’t continue your relationship with him. Even if things don’t work out with you and H he sounds very manipulative and you don’t want to be with someone who is okay with cheating. He may not be cheating but he is/was participating in you cheating and that speaks volumes. Some may disagree with me here but…that’s my thought.

 

I really hope things work out for you. Whatever that may be. I do think you owe it to yourself and your husband to be honest therefore you can start counseling (independent and couples) and try and work through this mess. Did you always know you wanted to stay with H or in the beginning was it all about OM?

[feelingtorn]

confused, you raised up a good question. I've beening asking the same question to myself since I met OM. I do not have a family of my own. The only family I know of is my H's. My H supported me when I was going to school. He really is my best friend. I love him very much, but once in a while, I can't help myself daydreaming with someone else who is more like myself. While I was seeing OM, I did talk to my H about our differences and tried to pick an activity we both could enjoy every weekend. However, I realized that I was miserable when I did the activity of his choice - like hiking and camping - and vice versa. Don't get me wrong. We like to read newspapers together, watch movies, and smoke, but that's about it.

 

As I mentioned above, I've never had the opportunity to live on my own. I've been daydreaming about leaving my H and living by myself - I like it. However, at the same time, I feel like I'd get very loney (no family) and financially struggle (H makes twice more).

 

OM is not perfect either. I do know that if I were single, I would not go out with him. He does not read and hates smokers. I am starting to think there's no soul mate. It's almost impossible to find a person who is PERFECT for you. I think we should consider ourselves lucky if we could find a person whose weakness/flaws were tolerable/lovable.

 

I don't miss OM. During the last two months, everytime I saw him, I felt incredible guilt that I couldn't really enjoy spending time with him. However, I miss "going out" on weekends - the whole ritual. Planning and picking a restaurant/bar, deciding on the perfect outfit, etc. Everything reminded me of the fun times I had with OM. Very tough, but I am glad it is over and know that I've made the right decision. I know I am having the withdrawal symptom.

 

What I am trying to figure out is that "should I stay in the M when I know something is missing?" I am trying to remind myself that nobody's marriage perfect and life is not a fairy book.