lbj123 Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 I met a man over the summer and we dated for 5 months. We met through a mutual friend and instantly hit it off. We had a wonderful time together no matter what we were doing, from fancy dinners to afternoons watching football, he showed a strong interest, called often, and after a while, it was clear how much we adored one another. We would talk about how much fun we had together, how much we enjoyed spending time together, and how happy we were. We had a physical connection that was absolutely incredible, which we talked about it often as well. We were (are?) very attracted to each other, and the passion between us was through the roof. Everything just seemed very natural, and while I mention all of these intense feelings, it really didn't feel like we were rushing or moving too quickly. We both have a lot of friends and work hard in our jobs, and while we were spending several days a week together, we also did our own things and to me it seemed like a nice balance of being together but not spending every waking second by each others side. We had discussed and both agreed that we did not want to see other people, but we never actually had a discussion about being "boyfriend and girlfriend". I was not bothered by this at all because we were so expessive with one another that it just didnt seem like an issue. We developed friendships with each others friends, I met his parents, and more than once firends of mine would comment on little things he would do like gazing at me adoringly from across a room or coming up to me and hugging me for no particular reason. I hadn't been actively looking for a relationship when we met (I had been in a 4 year relationship that ended about 9 months before we met), but being with him just felt right. I felt so happy, comfortable, excited and connected in a way I had never felt before. Four weeks ago he randomly asked me how I was feeling about the relationship. I told him how happy I was...and he told me that he was having some doubts. He explained that he has commitment issues, and that because he has always been a very independent person, it scared him to have to always think about another person's needs and that he didnt feel ready to take our relationship to the "next level" and commit himself to me. He also explained that he only had one prior serious relationship which had lasted for one year and that he had had some doubts earlier on in the relationship but didn't act on them, and the end result was a lot more painful for her because he dragged something out rather than listening to himself. He told me that he cares about me tremendously and while he feels happy and great with me, he just feels hesitant, and because he is having these feelings he thinks we should end things now before it gets too serious. I was shocked! I told him that there was no pressure, and that he seemed to be overthinking things and getting ahead of himself. I told him i was in no rush, that I am an independent person too, and that having doubts is totally normal and it can always feel a little scary to give of yourself and let someone in, but all in all, he said that it isn't fair to either of us for him to be with me when he is not sure what he wants, so we broke up. the very next day he emailed me just to say hi and see how I was doing. since then, he emails 2 or 3 times a week just to check in, see how my day is, inquire about projects I was working on or a concert he remembered I was seeing, etc. In one of his emails he said "I really want you to still be a part of my life. I hope we can find a way to have a friendship because it would be silly not to." I respond to his emails, but maintain my distance, and just write back something curtious but very to the point, after all, as sad and disappointed as I feel, I do not want to be with someone who isn't sure if they want to be with me. The truth is, I am not mad at him and I don't hate him, in fact I respect his honesty and his intentions of not decieving me. If he really just doesn't feel that things are right for us romantically, I would hope that we could be friends at some point too, because he is a wonderful person who I enjoy spending time with. However, its hard for me to believe that he could throw in the towel on something so special, and I do feel like this is something that we could have worked through. SO, last night we saw each other for the first time since the breakup, at a party thrown by our mutual friend. As soon as I arrived he came right over to me and gave me a huge hug. We spoke for a while, and he interrupted himself several times while he was speaking and would pause and say things like "It is just so great to see you" and "I can't believe how long its been since we've seen each other". At one point I made a little joke and he said "god, I miss hearing your silly little comments". I found out through our mutual friend that he hasn't been dating anyone since things ended between us. We had a really great time hanging out and everything just seemed to have that natural, easy feeling that it always had. At the end of the night I left before he did and he asked me if I could stay a little longer, but I had to leave at that time to meet a friend. He told me he was dissapointed and wished I'd stay, and he hopes we can see each other again soon. After I left he texted me and said "It was good to see you". I guess now I just have to wait to see if he calls or further pursues hanging out again, but wanted to get an assessment of the situation and suggestions on how I should respond if he does call. Does it sound like he really does want to be with me and is just confused, or is he really just interested in being my friend? Thanks!
Author lbj123 Posted December 8, 2007 Author Posted December 8, 2007 As per request, easier to read format... I met a man over the summer and we dated for 5 months. We met through a mutual friend and instantly hit it off. We had a wonderful time together no matter what we were doing, from fancy dinners to afternoons watching football, he showed a strong interest, called often, and after a while, it was clear how much we adored one another. We would talk about how much fun we had together, how much we enjoyed spending time together, and how happy we were. We had a physical connection that was absolutely incredible, which we talked about often as well. We were (are?) very attracted to each other, and the passion between us was through the roof. Everything just seemed very natural, and while I mention all of these intense feelings, it really didn't feel like we were rushing or moving too quickly. We both have a lot of friends and work hard in our jobs, and while we were spending several days a week together, we also did our own things and to me it seemed like a nice balance of being together but not spending every waking second by each others side. We had discussed and both agreed that we did not want to see other people, but we never actually had a discussion about being "boyfriend and girlfriend". I was not bothered by this at all because we were so expressive with one another that it just didnt seem like an issue. We developed friendships with each others friends, I met his parents, and more than once friends of mine would comment on little things he would do like gazing at me adoringly from across a room or coming up to me and hugging me for no particular reason. I hadn't been actively looking for a relationship when we met (I had been in a 4 year relationship that ended about 9 months before we met), but being with him just felt right. I felt so happy, comfortable, excited and connected in a way I had never felt before. Four weeks ago he randomly asked me how I was feeling about the relationship. I told him how happy I was...and he told me that he was having some doubts. He explained that he has commitment issues, and that because he has always been a very independent person, it scared him to have to always think about another person's needs and that he didnt feel ready to take our relationship to the "next level" and commit himself to me. He also explained that he only had one prior serious relationship which had lasted for one year and that he had had some doubts earlier on in the relationship but didn't act on them, and the end result was a lot more painful for her because he dragged something out rather than listening to himself. He told me that he cares about me tremendously and while he feels happy and great with me, he just feels hesitant, and because he is having these feelings he thinks we should end things now before it gets too serious. I was shocked! I told him that there was no pressure, and that he seemed to be overthinking things and getting ahead of himself. I told him i was in no rush, that I am an independent person too, and that having doubts is totally normal and it can always feel a little scary to give of yourself and let someone in, but all in all, he said that it isn't fair to either of us for him to be with me when he is not sure what he wants, so we broke up. The very next day he emailed me just to say hi and see how I was doing. since then, he emails 2 or 3 times a week just to check in, see how my day is, inquire about projects I was working on or a concert he remembered I was seeing, etc. In one of his emails he said "I really want you to still be a part of my life. I hope we can find a way to have a friendship because it would be silly not to." I respond to his emails, but maintain my distance, and just write back something curtious but very to the point, after all, as sad and disappointed as I feel, I do not want to be with someone who isn't sure if they want to be with me. The truth is, I am not mad at him and I don't hate him, in fact I respect his honesty and his intentions of not decieving me. If he really just doesn't feel that things are right for us romantically, I would hope that we could be friends at some point too, because he is a wonderful person who I enjoy spending time with. However, its hard for me to believe that he could throw in the towel on something so special, and I do feel like this is something that we could have worked through. SO, last night we saw each other for the first time since the breakup, at a party thrown by our mutual friend. As soon as I arrived he came right over to me and gave me a huge hug. We spoke for a while, and he interrupted himself several times while he was speaking and would pause and say things like "It is just so great to see you" and "I can't believe how long its been since we've seen each other". At one point I made a little joke and he said "god, I miss hearing your silly little comments". I found out through our mutual friend that he hasn't been dating anyone since things ended between us. We had a really great time hanging out and everything just seemed to have that natural, easy feeling that it always had. At the end of the night I left before he did and he asked me if I could stay a little longer, but I had to leave at that time to meet a friend. He told me he was dissapointed and wished I'd stay, and he hopes we can see each other again soon. After I left he texted me and said "It was good to see you". :oI guess now I just have to wait to see if he calls or further pursues hanging out again, but wanted to get an assessment of the situation and suggestions on how I should respond if he does call. Does it sound like he really does want to be with me and is just confused, or is he really just interested in being my friend? Thanks!
scratch Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 We had a physical connection that was absolutely incredible, which we talked about often as well. We were (are?) very attracted to each other, and the passion between us was through the roof. Everything just seemed very natural, and while I mention all of these intense feelings, it really didn't feel like we were rushing or moving too quickly. We both have a lot of friends and work hard in our jobs, and while we were spending several days a week together, we also did our own things and to me it seemed like a nice balance of being together but not spending every waking second by each others side. Four weeks ago he randomly asked me how I was feeling about the relationship. I told him how happy I was...and he told me that he was having some doubts. He explained that he has commitment issues, and that because he has always been a very independent person, it scared him to have to always think about another person's needs and that he didn't feel ready to take our relationship to the "next level" and commit himself to me. I was shocked! I told him that there was no pressure, and that he seemed to be overthinking things and getting ahead of himself. I told him i was in no rush, that I am an independent person too, and that having doubts is totally normal and it can always feel a little scary to give of yourself and let someone in, but all in all, he said that it isn't fair to either of us for him to be with me when he is not sure what he wants, so we broke up. I respond to his emails, but maintain my distance, and just write back something curtious but very to the point, after all, as sad and disappointed as I feel, I do not want to be with someone who isn't sure if they want to be with me. I found out through our mutual friend that he hasn't been dating anyone since things ended between us. We had a really great time hanging out and everything just seemed to have that natural, easy feeling that it always had. At the end of the night I left before he did and he asked me if I could stay a little longer, but I had to leave at that time to meet a friend. He told me he was dissapointed and wished I'd stay, and he hopes we can see each other again soon. After I left he texted me and said "It was good to see you". I guess now I just have to wait to see if he calls or further pursues hanging out again, but wanted to get an assessment of the situation and suggestions on how I should respond if he does call. Does it sound like he really does want to be with me and is just confused, or is he really just interested in being my friend? Thanks! I quoted the parts I found relevant. Based on the way you describe the situation, I think you handled it perfectly, throughout the relationship as well as the breakup. I agree that you just have to wait; it's consistent with what you told him about not forcing things. Does that mean that, if you wait, he'll therefore realize how wonderful you were and come back? Hell if I know. All I can say is that, in my opinion, if waiting won't accomplish it, actively trying to pursue him is guaranteed not to work either. However, it's definitely possible that waiting may work where active pursuit fails.
Kamille Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 Four weeks ago he randomly asked me how I was feeling about the relationship. I told him how happy I was...and he told me that he was having some doubts. He explained that he has commitment issues, and that because he has always been a very independent person, it scared him to have to always think about another person's needs and that he didnt feel ready to take our relationship to the "next level" and commit himself to me. He also explained that he only had one prior serious relationship which had lasted for one year and that he had had some doubts earlier on in the relationship but didn't act on them, and the end result was a lot more painful for her because he dragged something out rather than listening to himself. He told me that he cares about me tremendously and while he feels happy and great with me, he just feels hesitant, and because he is having these feelings he thinks we should end things now before it gets too serious. I was shocked! I told him that there was no pressure, and that he seemed to be overthinking things and getting ahead of himself. I told him i was in no rush, that I am an independent person too, and that having doubts is totally normal and it can always feel a little scary to give of yourself and let someone in, but all in all, he said that it isn't fair to either of us for him to be with me when he is not sure what he wants, so we broke up. The best thing to do with any guy who calls himself a commitmentphobe is walk away. You sound like an easy going, grounded, level-headed person and I'm sure he realizes that. On top of that, the fact that you are handling yourself well after the break up is likely making him doubt his decision. But whatever you do honey, don't go back to him. You deserve better. You deserve a man who knows he wants to be with you. In my mid-twenties I ended up in two very similar relationships back to back, was fed the 'commitment-phobe' line by both guys (at the time I assumed all guys were commitment-phobes... boy, was I wrong!), played things cool when we broke up and both guys ended up chasing me again. both relationships lasted maybe one or two months more and both times their 'doubts' resurfaced. This guy passed you up. His loss.
Lauriebell82 Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 I agree with Kamille on this one..even if he does come back to you, don't! Stay as far away from committment phobes. I agree with the other posters that he saw how great you handled the break up and how mature you are so he's probably having second thoughts. Don't fall for it though, a couple months down the line he'll be doing the same thing all over again. Save yourself the hassle. If you want to be friends with him fine, but I would air on the side of caution with that too. He may just see "being friends" as a way to manipulate you into getting back together. If he calls tell him you'd like to still talk, but tell him that it may be too hard for you to be really good friends.
compassion42 Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 At first I agreed with the previous two posters about not going back to him but then the romantic in me kicks in and thinks that we all make mistakes and maybe this guy is realizing that he has made a huge on in breaking up with you. I do think that if this is the case, you should proceed with caution. But you sound like a very lovely,level-headed,realistic woman and I bet if you go with your heart(and your head), you'll make the right decisions. I hope you'll keep us posted!
Author lbj123 Posted December 9, 2007 Author Posted December 9, 2007 Thank you all for your replies! I did get a text message from him today with a little personal joke between us, but I definitely will not even begin to consider any reconciliation without A WHOLE LOT MORE than a text! He's a great guy, really and truly one of the good ones out there, which makes it such a shame that he has these issues and that he gave into them without even trying to understand them or work through them...I will absolutely keep you posted! I read another post on here asking if people believe there is one person out there for everyone. I definitely believe that there are many people out there that could be the "right" person, and that when two people genuinely love each other, connect with one another and accept each other for who they are, a large part of making a relationship work, and keeping it happy and loving, is the work that you put in together as a team, the give and take, the support and the compromises. But I also think that in addition to the people who are "right", there are the much smaller pool of people who are "really right". Those are the ones who instantaniously know you inside out, who take your breath away in the deepest most passionate way, who get you in a way that maybe only one or two others in life get you. I really thought he was one of the "really right" ones, and I also consider myself a pretty good judge of character, so its sad to feel so wrong.
Author lbj123 Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 UPDATE... Well, today he called me in my office! I had left a jacket at his place and when I realized shortly after the breakup and told him, he has joked around with me when he emails that he's been getting good wear out of it (which is obsurd bc he's a foot taller than me and the jacket has a huge bow on the back!) Anyway, he has a yearly work retreat which he is leaving for tomorrow, so he called to ask if I wanted to go out for dinner and he'd give me my jacket back! I actually didn't have too much going on tonight, but I decided that it wasn't a good idea to go out for dinner the night before he leaves for a week...and, being totally honest, since I didnt have plans after work I didn't make an effort to look my best today (fine, I admit it, I wasn't wearing a stitch of makeup and didnt wash my hair this morning so it was just pulled back in a pony tail). Most importantly, he is going to need him to really prove himself to me and I just felt like it would almost be too easy for him if I went out with him tonight...so I told him that unfortunately I had other plans, but maybe we could meet up so I could get my jacket when he is back next week. He said that sounded good, an we continued to talk for about half an hour, had a really really nice conversation. Nothing serious or about our relationship, but just chatted. I reminded me of how well we get along, and how easy it is to talk with him. We hung up with me wishing him a good trip and he telling me we'd speak when he got back. Three days after he gets back I leave for a vacation (which he knows), and my thought is that a few weeks of not speaking will be a good thing. My hope is that he really misses me and figures out how silly it was to get so freaked out. But now my problem is, especially based on your replies, I have some doubts myself. I absolutely adore him. He completely makes my heart melt, and as I've said, he is a genuine person, smart funny, handsome, caring...I defintely still have feelings for him, but I can never know if he's going to get freaked out again, and that bothers me. Things happen in relationships and sometimes things don't work out. If we were to get back together and down the line things weren't right and we split, well that is part of life. But ending it because of a "doubt" when (to me at least) there were no problems between us, no fighting, nothing hurtful, nothing but good solid things, if he does that again i will just feel like a fool. I know I am a little ahead of myself because right now getting back together is not something on the horizon, still I can't help but think, this "doubt", will it always be there for him? But on the flip side, isn't life all about taking chances, doing what feels good for you, and knowing that, if it doesn't work out the way you wanted it to, well, thats all part of the ride? One last thought; I can't say that I am in love with him. I felt that I was heading in that direction prior to the breakup, but now that we haven't spent time together in a while, those feelings that were escalating didnt have a chance to develop, so I just don't know. I'm curious to hear thoughts on, should I know right now if I am in love with him? OK, thanks everyone!!!
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