Feeling left alone, not sure wether I should end it

[Nevermind]

Welcome everybody to another episode of "whiny posts by nevermind", stay tuned for some real outdated teen angst!

 

This is my situation. I am 24, he is 26. We live in 2 different countries, albeit there are not too far from another, it still isn't possible to just go see each other every weekend. We met while being on a student exchange programme, in another country and lived there together for nearly a year. One flat, it was a deep, meaningful relationship. When the year ended we decided to make it work long distance. We knew that we loved and could trust each other.

He left one month before me, because he wanted to take an exam back home, before the year ended. Which is why he didn't call or write any mail at all. Not one in an entire month. I, on the other hand wrote one every other day, including a picture once in a while (of me, of the places we've been too together, what happened the last days etc.) And there was never any response. We did chat once a week, for about half an hour. But not on a special day, but when I happened to catch him on IM. I was online nearly 24/7 just to get this bit of contact (the big vacations had already begun, so no university and no distractions). His exam was cancelled a week after he got there (by the prof), but the contact didn't increase.

In the last week, I cried during one of the chats because I was mad at him for just letting me down like that and for not wanting to make any plans to visit me when I would be back in my country or for me to visit him. He said, if I wasn't happy I should end it. And I did. I wrote him an e-mail, telling him what I felt. Then I got drunk, I sat on the balcony watching the sea, an empty bottle of liquor right next to me. (I am not used to drinking more than one glas of wine in company) He then called. We talked. He booked a ticket, we agreed to not let it end like this. We were together again.

 

The contact procedures didn't change. When we were still living together he had told me of many ways we could stay in contact. He forgot about those very soon, I guess.

 

Well, he visited me. I visited him. There was one month between the visists. That's the utmost we can manage. I was so happy, when I came to his place. Because I thought that we would now find a way, a routine, to make it work.

 

He is living with his parents, as they live directly in the university town and it's the common thing in his country. (Not in mine). I asked him to tell his parents that I was coming and to ask them if it wasn't inconvenient. He promised to do so. He told me he had done so.

But when I got there, he told me that his parents thought I was a friend, who was coming to visit. Not his girlfriend. And that he had told them nothing about visiting me, but he had told them that he was visiting a couple of friends in my country (from the programme). He told me some names, that I should pretend to know would his parents ask any questions.

 

I hated it. I cried at night, or in the bathroom. So he wouldn't notice. They wouldn't notice. I wanted to take an earlier flight back, but he didn't want me to go. He cried and said that we wouldn't see each other a lot and that it would be stupid to go now. I was so happy to see that he cared too, that I stayed. But I wasn't happy. He didn't even tell them how long I was supposed to stay, and when they asked, he said I had an open return ticket. Their faces were priceless.

 

He came one month later, in octobre, for a short trip. He told me about an exam he has to take in the middle of december. So we knew that there would be no visits for 2 months.

 

Now it's Decembre and we didn't talk about a visit for new year's. The flights are too expensive for me now. He doesn't have time after new year's till february. That will be a little bit more than 4 months without seeing each other.

 

I stopped sending e-mails. We barely talk, because if we do, he always says he needs to go back to study after 10-15 minutes. I understand that, it is important. But overall, I feel left alone in this relationship. We never talk about the future either.

 

I feel like the distance is killing us. The distance and his lies. Should I keep fighting?

[dancinggal]

Ok, question time! For yourself, you don't have to tell us.

 

a) What does he mean to you? Why is he so special? Number one question people should ask themselves when considering to have or continue with a LDR.

b) Does it make you feel comfortable to be apart from him? Not if it hurts, but can you trust him? I'm sure he's trustworthy, but the fact that he is lying to his parents about you isn't so great. Is there a reason for that? Are they religious?

c) Do you feel ok with the way you communicate/continue your relationship while you are away?

and d) Do you guys have a goal, or at least a deadline to reassess the situation? If you did, you would feel a hundred times better about the situation.

 

I hope that helps. Sounds like you have a lot to think about. Keep us posted!

[Nevermind]

Thank you for answering dancingal, .

 

a) What he means to me...he was the one who showed me that I was a good person, that I had a right to be happy and that I should always try to be happy. He is the one who liked me just as I was, not how I could be after some adaptions. He makes me happy, when he is with me. Or he used to. Before he started lying. Now, there is always a small part of me on guard, paying attention to the details, to find out wether he is true or not. But I have never been as happy as I have been with him, nor did I ever feel as save and secure. I told him once that he meant the world to me.

b) He used to tell me, that fidelity is very important to him and that any breach of trust would result in a break-up. On either side. I never came close to that border and I am not jealous. He, however, was not so trusting in the beginning and was jealous about every male person I happened to talk to (including my boss and a very good friend). Now, he isn't interested so much. And I feel reminded of what his roommate told me (when we met) that he had a girlfriend in his country. He told me that it was rubbish and untrue, and I believed him. But now I wonder wether I should contact this roommate and ask for details.

 

His family is not very religious, it is more a tradition, than a faith, he is agnostic, and I cannot see a reason for not telling them about me.

 

c) No. I don't. We do not call a lot, maybe once a week. Maybe not. We chat sometimes, but very often it is for 5 minutes and then he goes again. I get impatient at times and just bitch around a bit, when I know he is going again in a heartbeat - how could I start a decent conversation? That's wrong, I know. But I can't help it.

 

d) No. We don't. He doesn't talk about that. He just makes some, "we will do that one day", "we will try to". When I bring it up, it's the same.

[dancinggal]

Sweetheart, from that information, the only good thing seems to be the past you guys share. Its great that you have he has been so good for you as a person. Maybe you should remind him of those things, and that you want to continue them in some way, but you need him to be 100% committed to that as well. You need goals, I would die if I didn't have a plan with my boyfriend. Also, you evidently need him to clear up a lot of the things he has been doing. What I would do is re-evaluate all those questions and see how you would like to answer them, and then see if its possible for it to happen. Find some solutions of your own, and then go to him and say, I need this, and give him your suggestions. He should at least participate in a conversation that may start to resolve these issues. Otherwise, its going to be a real up-hill battle trying to keep your relationship going.

 

Let us know how it goes!!!!

[Nevermind]

We just talked. And I told him that I wasn't happy and that I wasn't feeling good in this relationship. And he just said that we had to meet more often. But my questions about our future were unanswered. And in the end he just ended the conversation, to have dinner. I tried to tell him what I meant, told him that I was still loving him. He basically just said that I should leave him, if I wanted to.

 

My heart feels so empty. So so empty. Every bit of happiness has left me.

[truckdriving]

He basically just said that I should leave him, if I wanted to.

If he really cared about you he wouldnt say this. Its obvious that he really doesnt care.

[Nevermind]

Oh, I can't. I can't break up, I want to but I can't. How can it be that I have to be the one to end it if HE is the one who lost interest or who doesn't care enough to work for it?

 

I am crying so often now, my christmas had a bitter taste...there is only pain now where so much happiness used to be. But I cannot just quit. I cannot end this...I would always ask myself if I could have made it work, if only I had tried a little harder. What can I do?

 

I just love him so much...and he loved me so much...and now he just stopped.

 

This was the best thing I ever had or ever will have. And now it's over. Oh, surprise! The tears again..

[In_thespurofthe_mome]

Awwww, gosh.. I feel like returning the favor now...

I'm really sorry about all of that.

The lack of communication is a real killer

 

You're still so young! (Well.. not as young as I am, but my kind of young is the stupid young.) And at your age, you have way more freedoms than I have I'm also a shoulder to cry on..and even if we don't know each other, I still wish I could give you a hug

 

Think about it this way, there can be really loving and genuine and special people in other places, and also..because of him, you can truly realize how loveable you can be! And to love and be loved in return, must be amazing.

 

I hope you feel better now, I want you to be happy again

[Nevermind]

Oh, thank you. Aren't you the sweetest?

 

I am better yes, and we are still together. He is trying more now, he is afraid of losing me. While I still know that we don't have a future, I want to treasure the moments we have. Because every single one of them is a shining pearl of happiness. If I were someone else...I would advice a break-up, surely. But I can't do that. Not yet.

 

It's better to love and lose than never to have loved. Right?

[In_thespurofthe_mome]

As cliche as it sounds, Life is unpredictable. Nobody can ever know what will happen next. It truly is: Whatever happens, happens. A long time ago, were you even able to imagine you loving him as much as you do now? We all just have to hope for the best, stay optimistic, smile and keep on moving.

 

It is..better to be loved and lose, than not at all. There are new capacities of happiness I never knew was possible.

 

I'm really glad you're feeling better

[HisLove]

OK, I think different cultures have a lot to play in these relationships. How we see something is not how they see it.

 

I too am in a LDR with a man from a different culture. We had some difficulties and I felt like he was blocking me, not listening to what I had to say when I was bitching about something. BUT he didn't go away either. He would still respond and engage with me. FINALLY, I realised that he wanted to retain contact but couldn't get over his pride or whatever. I was not reading him right. I know when I am done with somebody, I don't care what they say or what they do...I don't respond to them.

 

At one point I said to him I just want a yes or no answer to a question. He replied if I was in rush I was free to go. OK. That was his way of saying he wanted to talk more. Another time I was cranky because he didn't answer straight away and told him that not replying to me was running away. He replied he was at work and couldn't run to the phone but he was not running away. OK. That was his way of saying he wasn't avoiding me.

 

And then when things came to a crisis and told him I felt like he was avoiding me...he was online in 2 seconds telling me he wouldn't be there if he was avoiding me. And I if I thought he didn't want to talk to me, why was he there talking to me?

 

We have our own dramas to sort out. Each of us brings baggage to our relationship.

 

So the point of my post here is perhaps cultural differences and differences in perceptions. Food for thought.

[Nevermind]

HisLove: Oh, I had not seen that reply. Thanks for your input. I feel that there is a lot of truth in your words. Cultural differences can seem to cause problems where there are none really. Sometimes all we need is to take a step back and reconsider everything in a calm manner, trying to understand the intention beyond the words. But this is hard and you always run the risk of being over-understanding, taking rudeness as a cultural thing e.g.

 

Small update: he wants to apply for a scholarship in Japan. Would be one year. With our current situation I doubt we would see each other during this time at all.

We haven't seen each other for 3 months now and will not to so until Feb, when he will come for less then one week. I am nervous about it and at the same time I despise myself for it. Those won't be happy days, he will not feel good here and I will not be able to please him. Yet like a drug addict I still cling to it, hoping that the bliss of the first days will come back and that all the pain will disappear.

[TMichaels]

I am nervous about it and at the same time I despise myself for it. Those won't be happy days, he will not feel good here and I will not be able to please him. Yet like a drug addict I still cling to it, hoping that the bliss of the first days will come back and that all the pain will disappear.

 

Why won't the days when he visits be happy, why won't he feel good when visiting you, and why won't you be able to please him?

 

Not trying to be sarcastic -- just looking for clarification -- as you've lost me here...

 

Best,

TMichaels

[HisLove]

You WILL have fun if you do ONE thing. That is - get busy with your life, fill up your days until he comes, and even some of the time when he is with you, be consumed with your own activities and life. Nothing is more attractive than a woman who has got her life together and is not letting life slip by while she waits for hours online or takes her phone to the bathroom 'in case' he calls. You have a full life whether he is there or not. You don't have a full life BECAUSE he's there. You CAN turn the phone off if that's your main mode of communication. You CAN leave it at home for the day and survive.

 

Then, if it turns out things aren't as good as your expected, or (god forbid) he doesn't come at all...it will be no sweat to Nevermind because she is very busy thank you. IF you don't respond to his text for 2 and half hours..that's OK because you were sitting in the movies laughing your head off at the latest comedy. can you see where I'm going here???

 

When I get to where I'm feeling clingy and needy, I take it one minute at a time...just get through the next five minutes...and then you know you can get through another five minutes. Or why not play a game with yourself...let's see how long I can outwait him for contact. Eventually he will get online or text and ask how you are. Your response? I'm fantastic thank you. (Not (in a drab tone)...yeah ok. And next time you are chatting to him, be the first to end the conversation for once and just say you have some stuff to do and will catch up with him another time.

 

And one other thing I've done about twice in the last 3 months...is say hello first. I don't start talking to him until he says hi first...and that's usually within 5 seconds of him signing in. Let him chase YOU Nevermind.

Edited January 16, 2008 by HisLove

[Nevermind]

TMichaels: I am just an anxious little whiny girl once in a while. Which is why I wrote that. I have no idea how it will be, might be good, might be great, might be terrible. Sorry if I was confusing.

 

HisLove: You made me smile. Thank you.

 

Yeah! Girl power! I can do it! (Eye of the tiger is rolling in the back of my head right now. )

You are right of course. Even though I won't be playing games, and might still say hi first, I will try to work on the neediness.

(Though I'd never take the phone in the bathroom anyway. )

[HisLove]

Glad I made you smile Nevermind. Just so you know, I hate playing games. I'm a black and white kind of girl.

 

However, it seems that men love the chase. The more disinterested and vague you are...the more they chase. They don't appreciate what comes too easily. You know if you send a text and are waiting for the response? So do they.