Krytie TV Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 This isn't so much a question, but more of an anecdote that someone may have a take on. I've been dating a lot recently, and in the process have become quite comfortable with rejection, as well as gotten really good at just being myself in the process (sometimes to a fault, but I refuse to misrepresent myself). It doesn't really bother me that I haven't had a lot of second dates, though I just recently got a couple lined up. So I was on a first date tonight with someone... a blind date. It went pretty well. The time flew, we hit it off well, and at the end we just knew it was time to go. I didn't try anything and never even attempted a kiss or anything. So at the end, I asked her if she would like to do this again, or would rather maybe wait and go home and be in touch later. I like to let people off the hook as a lot of people have a hard time saying no to your face. Her response was, "I don't know". And I said, "Hmm... that's interesting." She laughed a little and said that she has never said that before, and I agreed that I had never heard it before. So we parted ways with a handshake and off we went. I didn't pursue it anymore because, well, I'm not going to take consolation prizes. So I've been wondering about this. My primary thought is that was a nice way of saying no. No problem... again, no blow here. Beyond that, I was wondering what it is she would have to deliberate on. She never really got a chance to "check me out" when I got there because I kinda snuck up on her unintentionally. So maybe she wanted to grab a full look at me? It's just weird to hear that response. I'll take it as a NO, but being someone who yearns to understand behavior, I just can't help but continue to mull this over. I just wonder what would make someone have to deliberate like that rather than just say no. If she does end up wanting to go out again, I think I would have a hard time agreeing based on the events.
Star Gazer Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 Poor choice of words. It's an equivalent to, "We'll see..." But yeah, it's still pretty much a "no."
Tony T Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 You need to be a WHOLE LOT more coy. Never, ever even remotely suggest that you'd like to see somebody again. Even if a girl is totally uninterested, if you say nothing and she doesn't hear from you for three or four days after a date it will drive her nuts. Playing your cards right there on a first date is simply nuts. Females go out of their minds for a guy they have to guess about. If he shows interest very early on there's no challenge, which is one of the elements of the electrical charge that interest and passion is built on. Don't call this girl for a week! Then give her a call, talk to her for ten or fifteen minutes...but don't ask her out! Wait three or four days and call her again, then ask her out to something simple. Hey, you've gotta keep them guessing to keep their interest up. PLEASE, don't show your cards so early in a dating relationship. It's OK to put out body language that suggests interest but don't verbalize it. Be coy, be cool. Women go nuts over a guy who appears not to care one way or another. It simply drives them out of their minds!!! (You see, this gal did EXACTLY what you should have done...and her words and behavior have got you wondering big time. Turn that around. Don't ever let it happen this way again!)
Author Krytie TV Posted December 8, 2007 Author Posted December 8, 2007 Tony: While I appreciate your advice, and do understand that that would be a better approach to "try to get/keep someone interested in me", I simply have no desire to do the mystery dance. I know who I am and I know what I want and I'm not afraid to be rejected more often based on my straightforwardness. Call me naive or whatever word you could come up with for someone who apparently has no "game" but it's not my style. I'm not so lonely that I need to lure someone to me. And no, I won't call her next week, or at all for that matter as I will assume it was a NO. I have too much going on in life to waste time on NOs. Maybe in a year or two when I decide my approach doesn't work, I'll adopt a more "game time" approach. For now, it simply bores me. I'll probably be alone forever with that attitude... I know
Tony T Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 Tony: While I appreciate your advice, and do understand that that would be a better approach to "try to get/keep someone interested in me", I simply have no desire to do the mystery dance. I know who I am and I know what I want and I'm not afraid to be rejected more often based on my straightforwardness. Call me naive or whatever word you could come up with for someone who apparently has no "game" but it's not my style. I'm not so lonely that I need to lure someone to me. And no, I won't call her next week, or at all for that matter as I will assume it was a NO. I have too much going on in life to waste time on NOs. Maybe in a year or two when I decide my approach doesn't work, I'll adopt a more "game time" approach. For now, it simply bores me. I'll probably be alone forever with that attitude... I know Partner, it's NOT a game, it's ONLY a game. You should develop a style that has an element of mystery and not caring about the outcome. If you want to get technical, everything in life's a game. Pay attention and you'll see that. The people who are successful at it are the people who play in such a way that nobody else can tell they are just playing. Life is NOT serious...it doesn't last long so whether you like it or not it's ONLY a game...nothing more! You do it your way, though. In a few years, Google Albert Einstein's definition of insanity. Gotta go to bed now. Good luck and good night!
birdmadgirl Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 I know who I am and I know what I want and I'm not afraid to be rejected more often based on my straightforwardness. Call me naive or whatever word you could come up with for someone who apparently has no "game" but it's not my style. I'm with you on that. Sure - it may hurt me in the long run, but based on my experiences, I've learned that playing these games and getting so wrapped up in the outcome has only hurt my chances of establishing a meaningful relationship with anyone. Might as well just be myself and see what I can get honestly, right? My kingdom for a man who doesn't play games... ;-)
BlueEyedSarah Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 You need to be a WHOLE LOT more coy. Never, ever even remotely suggest that you'd like to see somebody again. Even if a girl is totally uninterested, if you say nothing and she doesn't hear from you for three or four days after a date it will drive her nuts. Playing your cards right there on a first date is simply nuts. Females go out of their minds for a guy they have to guess about. If he shows interest very early on there's no challenge, which is one of the elements of the electrical charge that interest and passion is built on. Don't call this girl for a week! Then give her a call, talk to her for ten or fifteen minutes...but don't ask her out! Wait three or four days and call her again, then ask her out to something simple. Hey, you've gotta keep them guessing to keep their interest up. PLEASE, don't show your cards so early in a dating relationship. It's OK to put out body language that suggests interest but don't verbalize it. Be coy, be cool. Women go nuts over a guy who appears not to care one way or another. It simply drives them out of their minds!!! (You see, this gal did EXACTLY what you should have done...and her words and behavior have got you wondering big time. Turn that around. Don't ever let it happen this way again!) Some people may agree to this while others may not. In my opinion I do not agree to this, I find it a waste of time and playing with hearts. I agree to Krytie TV's Approach on he's way of dating and think it sounds as though he is doing pretty well. PS: Krytie, if thats you in your avatar then I can understand why she gave you the "I don't know" answer... Some girls may find it difficult to date a Lord Voldermort look alike Some girls just judge guys on looks rather than getting to know their full personality
desertguy Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 I used to worry about my "game" (or lack of it) to the point of obsession at one point a while back. I've always been pretty direct in other relationships, professional, friendships, etc, which is just my style, and never enjoyed playing some silly role, (or game if you prefer), or even been all that good at it when I tried. I have a similar attitude in dating, either you like me or you don't, why should I waste time and energy trying to "get" someone to like me? I certainly wouldn't want to be in a relationship, where I couldn't be myself. Anything else just smacks of manipulation to me (and a lot of unnecessary work!). That's not to say that I don't like doing things to make a partner or friend happy, I do that simply because I enjoy doing so, not for any "quid pro quo" I might receive.
underpants Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 Kryt, I said that once to someone. In hindsight it should have been a straight up no, but that is my history. You don't know her. Maybe she was just a little unsure and kind of afraid. I don't know, can be taken as a no, or as a maybe. If you want to see her again then call her and give her one more chance to say yes to a date.
kymberann Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 I say it's a 50-50 chance happening . Who knows, maybe she was playing the "game" to keep you on your toes! As for this game playing, I think it sucks, I like straight forward, and a direct and honest approach. Playing this game just wastes time. And leaves too many comments and behaviors open for interpretation and over analyzing. Which in turns makes us question our selves more.
JCD Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 If she is really interested in you and wants to get to know you better, she will call you. I think your approach to dating is very mature and you are doing it because you want a no none sense type of a girl who is also mature. I think your way is like using a filter to filter out the childish girls and get to the girl that would build a solid relationship with you. Kudos to you.
scratch Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 I've been dating a lot recently, and in the process have become quite comfortable with rejection, as well as gotten really good at just being myself in the process (sometimes to a fault, but I refuse to misrepresent myself). It doesn't really bother me that I haven't had a lot of second dates, though I just recently got a couple lined up. If you think you can be yourself to a fault, there is something you don't like about yourself. Either that, or you're implying that you can do better with women if you don't act like yourself. I don't get it. So I was on a first date tonight with someone... a blind date. It went pretty well. The time flew, we hit it off well, and at the end we just knew it was time to go. I didn't try anything and never even attempted a kiss or anything. So at the end, I asked her if she would like to do this again, or would rather maybe wait and go home and be in touch later. I like to let people off the hook as a lot of people have a hard time saying no to your face. How old are you? More importantly, how old was she? Adults end a really good date with a kiss, or at least a positive embrace. Why do you look at asking for a second date as something for which you need to let her off the hook? Did it really go that well? Moreover, asking someone out for a second date at the same time as concluding the first, regardless of whatever escape route you offer, is the epitome of putting someone on the spot. Her response was, "I don't know". And I said, "Hmm... that's interesting." She laughed a little and said that she has never said that before, and I agreed that I had never heard it before. So we parted ways with a handshake and off we went. I didn't pursue it anymore because, well, I'm not going to take consolation prizes. I think your comeback was good here as a face-saving measure. I also agree with your decision to not pursue it anymore. Personally, I like to end every bad date by saying "good luck" and every good one with "I'll talk to you later." So I've been wondering about this. My primary thought is that was a nice way of saying no. No problem... again, no blow here. Beyond that, I was wondering what it is she would have to deliberate on. She never really got a chance to "check me out" when I got there because I kinda snuck up on her unintentionally. So maybe she wanted to grab a full look at me? It's just weird to hear that response. You're analyzing this too literally. Your primary thought is almost certainly correct. Her response was a knee-jerk response to being put on the spot, like "we'll see" or "that's interesting." I'll take it as a NO, but being someone who yearns to understand behavior, I just can't help but continue to mull this over. I just wonder what would make someone have to deliberate like that rather than just say no. If she does end up wanting to go out again, I think I would have a hard time agreeing based on the events. There's nothing to understand, and no deliberation. The fact is, flatly saying "no" is hard. People are naturally averse to conflict and, for some reason I don't really get, hate being the bad guy who does the rejecting. With regard to her wanting to go out again, it's not likely, so you can cross that bridge when you come to it.
EYECANDY000 Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 she doesnt sound like she is looking forward to an second date. To say I dont know, is bascilly an cordial way of saying no. And then for her to say "ive never said that before" sorry, but she sounds a little strange
Lizzie60 Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 It's a 'shy' way to say 'no'... Maybe she didn't want to insult you by saying 'no' .... we never know how the guy will react to a 'no'... so a 'I don't know' is just another way to say no... without the hassle to justify a 'no'.... IMO Move on, don't call her.
Ariadne Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 Oh, Her response was, "I don't know". And I said, "Hmm... that's interesting." That's what I always say. Even when we are dating regularly, do you want to meet tomorrow? I don't know. Hey, I get them used to it. That to me means I really don't know. Ariadne
Sunblast Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 You need to be a WHOLE LOT more coy...Don't call this girl for a week! Then give her a call, talk to her for ten or fifteen minutes...but don't ask her out! Wait three or four days.... I've heard this plenty of times, but I don't buy it -- is this really a very effective way to get women? Because, imagine: you are keeping all of these girls in mind, you are waiting -- you yourself are waiting your own time! Why not just go with a girl, **** her, and date -- why wait artificially? It seems like a waste of your own time. Sunblast
Author Krytie TV Posted December 9, 2007 Author Posted December 9, 2007 Wow, thanks for all of the solid responses everyone. I have been thinking about this a bit and have decided what to do. I really come from a lifetime of not trying when something isn't there. At the same time, I DO understand that some women like a bit of the chase. Man, dont we all. I'll give her a call in a couple of days, but only once. Maybe she just wants to see some effort from me, and I can entertain that, but not a whole lot more. I have no problem putting myself out for a lost cause once. I'm not afraid of showing interest, but will not defer to game playing. We'll see how that goes. If it's worth a follow-up, I'll give one. Thanks again for the insight and support.
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