kymberann Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 Well, guy I have been seeing and I broke up almost two weeks ago. This has been the hardest week for me. I haven't seen him for two weeks today. The day after we spent Thanks GIving. I know I am not ready to get out there, no way, way too soon and I really don't want to go through the whole song and dance. SO I sit here surfing the web and doing anything to distract me and help me feel better. Trying to cope hurts, trying to make sense hurts and wondering if he hurts as much as I, hurts! It is all part of the process and one that must be done. I do know I am getting better, I don't cry as much, but I can shed a tear. And I just keep wondering why? ANd the answer to that is he was too scared, when push came to shove he could not make our relationship, after 8 months deeper or more committed one. Plus he is just too comfortable dealing with his issues with his ex wife. SOmeone told me we choose to stick around the people who make us sick and so he did decide to stay in a battle zone with his ex rather than work on one good thing in his and my life. Anyway, I am just struggling and looking for ways to cope, and deal and to let go. There is still that hope he will come around and that he will realize what he gave up to stay sick. Any thoughts advise as to where to go from here? Best!
marlena Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 Kymberann, You were one of the first to give me advice when almost a year ago I was being tortured by the same thoughts and feelings that are sending you into a spin right now. You were very helpful and your advice back then was greatly appreciated. You, of course, already know how slowly and painfully the healing process is. Some people react to their pain by turning inward to themselves. Others deal with it by going out and getting out there almost immediately. Everybody copes differently. Only you know what works for you. It sounds like a recent break up. Were his issues with the ex so enormous that he couldn't overcome them? You don't give much detail so it is hard to assess what is really going on. In any case, if I remeber correctly, you are a very mature and intelligent person and so I trust you did what was right for you. It sounds like you want to be in a committed relationship. If this is true and he doesn't want the same, then, perhaps it is best you nipped this at the bud. Hope you are feeling a bit stronger today!
Author kymberann Posted December 8, 2007 Author Posted December 8, 2007 Hi MArlena, Thanks for the reply. ANd the kind words. I do remember oyou from a while back! This has been so rough. I did want to be in a committed relationship. We had been dating for eight months. But he could never call me his "girl friend". SO I pushed and just basically explained that i anted a committed relationship in which we were exclusive. I didn't date anyone else when I was with him and neither did he. He and I have both been divorced for almost four years. He kept telling me he didn't want to make the same mistakes he made when he was married. I agreed I don't want to either. ANd I didn't want to run and get married on the spot either, that is down the road. As for the ex, she is still so controlling. He holds on to guilt for divorcing her, even though he kept telling me she was mean and vengeful and it sounds like there was verbal abuse going on. One day I was at his house and she just walks in on us. She got upset and gave him a hard time. He was very nervous and scared of her. It was so awkard, but he didn't want me to leave. Last time I talked with him, he didn't even want to see me in person. Said it hurt him too much. And so it's been two weeks and it just feels awful because there is no resolve. I just have to keep in mind that he is the one who chooses to remain in the dynamics with his ex, she will always control him, even if he has said that is not what he wants. It's just ben hard letting go and moving on.
marlena Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 It's just ben hard letting go and moving on. It almost invariably is. In my opinion, I think you you were very much in the right to lay your cards on the table so to speak and tell your boyfriend precisely what you wanted out out of the relationship. Any mature and self - respecting person would have done the same. Too bad he did not display the same amount of maturity. I call him immature not because of his unwillingness to commit, which I can, in a way, respect, but rather because of his willingness to allow himself to be manipulated and controlled by his ex - wife. This to me is indicates a very weak man or one who has not completely broken all emotional ties with his ex. I don't know about you but I, personally, have absolutely no patience anymore with these types. Surely you want a man who is strong, responsible, independent and unafraid of comittment. You need to rethink the situation and decide if the relationship merits a second chance or whether it would be better to leave him to his own self- inflicted misery. No on can control us unless we let them. I know how painful all this is. Remember what a total wreck I was last year? Today, I am proud to say that I had the strength of character to walk away from a man who spelled disaster right from the word go. Although he tried several times to suck me in again, I did not cave in. I am not saying this is what you should do. I gather the break up is rather recent so evrything is still sort of jumbled up in your head and heart. Surely, knowing you as a strong and experienced lady, you will eventually sort out the answers for yourself.
Author kymberann Posted December 8, 2007 Author Posted December 8, 2007 Hi Marlena, Yes, break up was recent. Just going through the first week actually. Yes it may have been in the right and I may have acted mature and responsible. But now i know what is bothering me. It is that i don't believe that i did the right thing. Maybe it is a self esteem thing 9even though I feel pretyt good with myself in general). I think that even though I held out and laied my cards out, I didn't get what i thought I would get and he went running and I end up suffering for it! You are right, no one can control us and I am letting him, and that makes it hard too! Do you have windows messenger or face book? Thanks for helping me out! Best.
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