rubber_ball Posted June 2, 2003 Posted June 2, 2003 My girlfriend of 3.5 years has been acting funny for the past few months - more distant and cold. Also, she always seemed to be questioning where the relationship was going. I kept demanding that she either break up with me or stay, but she always insisted she didn't want to break up. Anyway i found out what it was about, at least to a certain extent. She had been with some other guy -nothing serious (a few kisses) but she felt guilty and was trying to end it for that reason. WHen we broke up she became extremely upset, burst into tears and pleaded with me to take her back. But then I demanded a bunch of things, we got in a big fight and it's broken off completely. Basically, I wanted her back but she had made up her mind that the relationship was over. I felt childish and stupid getting mad at her, so I called her and asked her to go out with me to eat. She agreed and we had a pleasant evening. Towards the end she started crying and seemed very upset that "I" was leaving. Anyway, after this I figured calling her back would just be stupid. So I didn't the next day and she called, telling me she loved me and asking me to come over. I won't get into the details, but suffice it to say that she then changed and said she wanted a non-committed relationship that allowed sex. But she would call the shots. After that I felt a lot better- because she had descended to that level and at least I was leaving someone like that. So I sent her a note the next day saying forget it, i'm not doing that. I'd rather remember our good relationship. So let's not see each other. She called again the next day and wanted to see a movie with me. I agreed and it didn't work out. It made me too upset. I told her that it just couldn't work, us being friends. Anyway, she kissed me a few times during and when I said goodbye she wanted a long kiss. Ok, now I'm really confused as to what her feelings are. Does someone who wants to break up really act like this? This girl is also unique in a way - I was her first bf and first everything, so she doesn't have experience playing guys. So her affection is no doubt sincere. But when she had begged me to take her back she changed her mind the next day. True love? Doesn't seem like it. Why would she act like this? What does she want? Or does she simply not know what she wants? My course of action right now is simply to not call. But if she calls and asks just to go out as friends, i am always tempted because I miss her. What should I do?
Tony T Posted June 2, 2003 Posted June 2, 2003 Right now, she's confused. A lot has happened. Things are chaotic. Back off and don't contact her for a while...no more phone calls...no more dinners, etc. In a month or so, the two of you should have a talk when things are less confusing...when both of you have had a chance to remove yourselves from all the drama. Right now, you're trying to rush something to resolution that just isn't going to get there under the circumstances. I think if you back off a bit, you will find both of your feelings will be more focused and both of you will know exactly the direction you want to take this. Remember, too, that timing is everything. She may love you more than anything but if she doesn't feel it's time for her to give her all she won't. Time will allow her to discover for herself within herself exactly what gives. The only thing that will keep the two of you apart is fear...fear that something awful might happen if you give your feelings time to get focused. Well, what you ought to really fear is doing something when your feelings aren't focused. Relax for a month or so, take a vacation, think a little and enjoy life. This will all come together in the end.
Author rubber_ball Posted June 2, 2003 Author Posted June 2, 2003 Thanks for the advice. It's basically what I was planning to do anyway. This is the thing I'm worried about, even though it's something I can't do anything about. I guess I think that if she is upset and lonely she will just go to this other guy for comfort. Obviously I can't stop her (well, i could but thats out of the question), but I feel as if my time is running out. Also, if she goes with this guy for a month and realizes she doesn't like him and wants me back, it doesn't seem right for me to take her back. I guess I'd want to anyway, but I don't think it would be worth it. I don't know much about cheating, but it all doesn't make sense to me. She kissed this guy several times "out of curiosity" (not surprising, because she never kissed anyone else) but now she says it's not right to go back out with me if she still has feelings for him. This thing with her and him went on for a few months, they'd see each other once in a while. But she was with me the whole time, and at least on some occasions seemed to be happy to be with me. If she was thinking about breaking it off for a few months, it seems like her mind would be made up by now. Yet still, she does seem to have feelings for me - I know this because when i stopped calling she did -even if it was just to be "friends." I guess what I'm asking is, why would she stay with me that long if she truly wanted to leave? I know it would have been hard for her, and maybe she was "acting" some of the time. But there were times when she definitely wasn't. She was much more intimate with me than this guy, and we saw each other much more. That's why I figured I would forgive her - he didn't seem that important to her. But now she's acting very cold and even being deliberately cruel on some occasions. Again though, it seems that whenever I ignore her she changes, but whenever I am begging her or whatever she uses it against me. I understand why someone would do that - I did it - but i only used that power because i felt she had wronged me. It's hard to believe she loves me if she kicks me when I'm down. But then again, if she doesn't want me, why does she want power over me? I know this all sounds very confusing, and indeed i am confused. But it's very hard to figure out what I should be thinking now, if anything. I don't want to give up hope prematurely - but I figured I'd set a certain date, a week or so when I would simply give up. Is that a good plan of action?
NEONINK Posted June 2, 2003 Posted June 2, 2003 I don't know... I can wait on someone, up until the point where there is a third party involved. That's when it is most clear to me, and the easiest as well. It's not your fault that your ex-gf didn't have a past when you met her. That wouldn't give her permission to make on now, in my opinion. I know lots and lots of people that married the first guy they ever kissed or slept with. That's the most beautiful and purest love I've ever seen.
Author rubber_ball Posted June 2, 2003 Author Posted June 2, 2003 The thing is I just don't know. She said she wasn't seeing him, but I really don't know if she is telling the truth. What I don't want to do is simply assume she is when she isn't and ruin any chance of repairing this. I mean, she feels guilty about what she did, and maybe talking about this guy is the last thing she wants to do.
NEONINK Posted June 2, 2003 Posted June 2, 2003 Yeah, short of a lie-detector, how can you tell? Well, * if someone is honest and upfront from the beginning * if you've never caught them in a lie * if they do what they say (stand by their word) * if they mean what they say and say what they mean * if their body language agrees with what they are verbally saying * if you have picked up on their moral fiber, is it a good person I think that would determine their honesty. Ultimately it comes down to faith though. Faith that your partner will do the right thing. Wow... sometimes I get scared just thinking how much I rely on someone else's honesty and true character. I would rather date someone with character and honesty than a ton of money!!!
NEONINK Posted June 2, 2003 Posted June 2, 2003 The message I'm going with for myself this week again is, My love is a gift, and one of the greatest gifts I have to offer. If my partner doesn't appreciate or want that gift, then it isn't my loss. Of course, this weekend my message would have been, Love is hurt waiting to happen... I just can't believe in a world of hate and crime, disease, poverty and depression, sorry politicians and economy and job losses, war and intolerance, that two people cannot find a way to love and be loved so that it's all that matters. I'm sure it exists for some people. And perhaps it will happen eventually for all those that want it, it just seems like a such a wait sometimes.
chocos Posted June 6, 2003 Posted June 6, 2003 She is confused. (100%) From a girl's point, i sometimes feel that way, and that was why i blurted out that i wanted to call it quits and then later regreted it. But i have learnt from my mistake. Probably if you guys do get together after the long time away, you could probably tell her that if she really wants to continue saying that you guys should go your separate ways so freely, tell her to be careful as one day it would materialise... I realised this too late. Or i think it is too late. I am not too sure my self, have to wait for 3 weeks before i will know...
Author rubber_ball Posted June 25, 2003 Author Posted June 25, 2003 I posted a few weeks ago about this whole situation I was in. Now things have gotten even worse, sort of, or better - I don't know. My gf called me and said she missed me etc. and said she only had wanted to be "friends" to build up some trust before we could get serious again. I thought this was reasonable so I agreed. Anyway it went alright at first, but she just acted like we were going out, just without the official title. I started to get the feeling that maybe she wanted that just to have a quick way out if necessary, so I got a bit wary of her. Also, she sometimes acted a little cold - the exact same way as she did before when something was going on. She also seemed to have different feelings about me from day to day. Finally, I asked her straight up - do you want to be together or not. She said - "I want you as a friend, not a boyfriend." I told her to forget it. It wouldn't have worked. I figured at this point I should give up. That was 3 days ago and I haven't contacted her since. Now even though it seems like this will be the final break, i still wonder what i should do if she actually calls me again and says she misses me, etc. I really cared for this girl and I don't want to miss my chance. But at the same time, the way she's changed is dramatic. I don't know if it's a phase or she's going to be like this permanently (i.e. dishonest, etc.). Did I handle this right? I mean, should I have just taken it easy and not questioned anything and hoped for the best? It seems that when i finally made her decide, she said no. I don't know if that was the answer all along, or whether I just screwed things up.
chocos Posted June 25, 2003 Posted June 25, 2003 Well, one thing that i have learnt is not to look back. Unless you think that it is worth it. All the best. Do what you think is right. Do you think you would be happy with this gal? Do you think if she is the one for you? But you must understand that besides asking yourself this question, you must also consider that love is 100% pure work. Unless you want to sit down with her, reconcile your differences, and probably learn to listen and communicate with her, and of course she to do the same, or else, things would just be swept under the carpet until one day when it would just finally all turn sour Well, for me, we broke up. He was cheating on me. I still love him so much, the 3 weeks he told me to give him was BS. he betrayed me. He denied it, but i found out. I didn't confront him. And do you believe it that i am actually still concerned for him. Still thinking about our happy times. We had our fair share of ups and downs. And instead of vacumning the problems out of the carpet, he found himself another home. (well, just an update) Honestly, i really cannot let go... =(
NEONINK Posted June 25, 2003 Posted June 25, 2003 And they are called boundaries. Find your limits and deal with it.
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