What Feels Like Hell... (Story inside)

[Shane7]

Hi. I'm obviously Shane, and I have a story to tell. No, I don't have much time to tell it right now.. (I have work obligations), but thats almost a good thing. That means I can just cut right down to the chase and expand upon this with more details when necessary..

 

I was in a relationship with a girl for about a month and a half, at best, two. (Forgive me, I'm bad at remembering dates.) Not much time, I know. However, around the end of October of this year, I had a collapsed lung. (Spontaneous Pneumothorax) Google it if you must...

 

Obviously, my girlfriend came to the hospital and stayed even longer than my own parents. Great right? Nice positive influence, correct? Hell no..

 

After I had just gotten out of the hospital, probably a day or two after, my college had an October Dance. (We are classmates and go to the same college and work at the same place, though we do not work on the same days.)

 

A VERY LONG STORY cut short, she got drunk with her friends and cheated on me with some random guy that is absolutely nothing like me. (Make-out session as far as I know. No sex.) She had issues with drinking before, but I ignored them. Not only do I --NOT-- like to be bias or judgmental, but I figured, maybe I could be a positive influence and try to gradually change that.. (I don't drink.) However, despite my efforts, they obviously failed..

 

Now, to cut another very long story short, she's been trying her best to make amends. I had another "lung scare," and both my brother and her got me to the hospital. Problem was...I was the fool who called her to be with me at my time of crisis. There are two sides of me in this situation, obviously::: One that still, somehow, cares about this girl and knows that this is her very first time cheating and that she wants to try to better herself from this point onward, and there is another side of me that wants her to disappear and let her feel pain. Lots of pain.. (Two totally opposite sides, both manifest themselves, and its driving both myself and her completely insane...)

 

The Last problem..and then I must go to work...

 

WE SEE EACH OTHER PRACTICALLY EVERYDAY!! We go to a small college, and yes, it is literally impossible to avoid seeing each other every week. I feel like I'm being tortured every single day of my life, and its simply just hell to live through. My friends have noticed my decline..and I'm very scared..

 

What do I do?? Help me! (I'd LOVE to expand upon this story if someone wants more detail. There are plenty of things I left out, some mildly important even..So if there is anything at all that someone doesn't quite get, just please ask away..)

 

Peace. ~Shane

[Shane7]

Anyone? Too long a story??

 

Seriously...I need help... no joking about it...

[carrotgirl]

Shane,

 

I'm sorry that your girlfriend had a little much to drink and kissed someone else. I'm sure she is very sorry too. I'm sure she has thrown her heart and soul at you asking for forgiveness for something that isn't really wrong to begin with.

 

The two of you are young, in school, dating and not betrothed or married to each other. She didn't cheat on you. She kissed a boy.

 

My heartfelt advice is to accept her apology and move off of it. Or don't accept her apology and break up. If neither of those options work for you, I suppose you might try asking for what it is you want from her and with her and then listen to her answers. Like, I want to be with you and for me to do that, I want us to agree that we won't kiss other people. Can you agree to that?

 

What do you think would make you feel better?

 

Carrot

[Shane7]

You see...we were in a relationship though.. Its a breaking of trust.. We weren't just "dating." Thats inaccurate..

 

What I WANT more than anything is for her to be gone.. At least for a couple of weeks, just so I can get some space.

 

However, that is literally impossible. I honestly feel trapped..

[carrotgirl]

Let's deal with what's the most important thing. You need a respite.

 

I can empathize with the seeing each other every day whether you want to or not angst pretty well. Even so, you're not trapped. Many schools have a break right about this time of year. If your school doesn't have a break coming up then you can start identifying some ways to avoid her anyway.

 

You couldn't be more straightforward than you were here, "What I WANT more than anything is for her to be gone.. At least for a couple of weeks, just so I can get some space." That just about says it all.

 

It would probably help if you either call her or leave her mail telling her this is something you need, that you won't be contacting her for 3-4 weeks. Tell her if she cares for you, she will make an effort to give you space so that you can heal. You legitimately need physical healing and not just emotional healing.

 

You have every right regardless of the reason to ask for some time and space to take care of yourself.

 

It's also fair to say to anyone in this situation and not just you, when you're a wreck, you're not much good to her, or anyone else for that matter. If there is going to be a future for the two of you together, it's not going to get a very good start when you're physically ill and and in full-on emo mode all the time.

 

Your choices may be limited but they aren't zero. Regardless, your health comes first. Make sense?

 

Carrot

[shaynej76]

Hey Shane, we have a very similar story and my name is Shayne as well! read my story Shaynej76 to get a better picture! Well obviosly we only get your side and maybe a lil sugar coated but if you've only been together for a couple of months GET OUT NOW!!! Once a cheater always a cheater! I will tell you why, 4 years ago I met a women in NA(narcotica anomynous) and she was with her boyfriend at the time,I had just gotten out of a relationship with a great women, well we would go to meetings and see eachother and then one day at work(we worked at a casino) I was in the vault and who walked in,but her so we would take breaks and try to see eachother as much as possible, she had told me that she broke up with her man and moved to her parents,well turned out she was lying to me and cheating with me on him,I felt horrible.I told myself to not get involved seriosly with her because of the shady pasts we both had and I knew she cheated on him so why wouldn't she cheat on me right! Well she was the most beautiful women I've ever seen and so I couldn't resist her one bit! We did alot of drinking partying and traveling together,we even moved to L.A. last year and partied like a rockstar for a year, well we moved baqck to MN. and 3 weeks later she was pregneant, We were both very happy,i think me more than her! We had a beautiful boy may 2 07 and about 3 months later she was acting funny,hiding her phone from me and going out with "girls" from work,BULL****!!! found out just last month she has been seeing this loser that is 27 no DL and lives with his Mommie!What the hell happened, I did research and hacked into her Myspace and found letters and finally a friend told me she slept with him,So I flipped out at work and quit my job ,she denied and denied then finally btold me just once,well once is too many times according to my morals!Then I threatened to get full custody of our boy and now she says she wants to make our family work,we have a pug,house,boy,and were engaged!She not only cheated on me but also on our on,she is living on her mothers couch and we trade our boy off every 2 days,it is killing him and hes very confused! So I'm in a spot where I want to make it work but I new that someday when we were having problems that when the next guy who talked nice to her she would cheat with him,do I take her back? My heart says yes but part of me says no, I've lost like 20 lbs. and sit with my son crying all the time because his mom did this to us!! Granted I wasn't always the nice guy but never cheated on her! So take it from me,don't take her back unless you can handle it if she cheats on you again,I HATE EVERY SECOND of this!! Good luck my friend,Shayne

[Shane7]

A resolution.....

 

 

I honestly did what any man in my situation should do...

 

I simply said, yesterday, face to face, that.... "You've caused me great,great pain, and I need time to heal. For me. For my health and emotional sanity. I have to see you every day in the flesh, but that doesn't mean I need your phone call as well."

 

Basically, I washed my hands clean of it and walked out. Am I sad? Yes. Do I hurt? Yes...

 

But time will heal. Maybe friendship will result later..maybe not. Maybe more, maybe a -ton- less...

 

Who knows. Who cares. I just need time.

[Lee725]

Good on you Shane, You will hurt, but you will heal too, both emotionally and physically.

When we are emotionally strong, physically we seem to be able to cope with physical illnesses better (in my limited experience).

 

As much as you hurt now for what she has done to you, hopefully you will come out of the other side of this time with the realization that if she cheats once chances are she will do it again.

You will never be able to trust her 100%, (atleast i wouldnt).

She had just sat with you in hospital and then went out and did this, drinking is no excuse for cheating.

Cheating only occurs when there is something else going on in the background, unfortunately alcohol can bring these issues to the surface.

 

When i am drunk, my friends tell me to shut up because i constantly sing my partners praises, not looking for someone to snuggle up to.

 

When you see her you might feel like you are dying inside, but each time you do see her hopefully you will get stronger and stronger untill the point where you feel very little. (if anything).

 

Standing up to her took strength and you should be proud of yourself.

 

When you feel weak come here and vent it does make you feel better.

[Just_me43]

I got ill last year and i had been with my girlfriend for four months at that point but i had been very ill for a month at that point and she had been great to me throughout it, as i was in and out of hospital etc. Then as i started to recover we were invited to a party, i really wasnt up to it but i decided to go anyway to be with my girlfriend. She too had (has) a drink problem, she got very drunk and made out with a random lad IN FRONT OF ME. I was ill but not ill enough to flip out, i got kicked out of the party, and had no other way home but her mother picking us up. So i was forced to sit in a car with her. We got home she denied it and denied thinking i was stupid, but then she finally admitted it. I was in pieces for days and days, but my feelings got the better of me and i forgave her. And to my knowledge she hasn't cheated on me again, although my trust for her two years on is still shot through and i worry every time she goes out. I have also posted on here that i am considering splitting up with her now as i cant the paranoia, the drinking, the behaviour. I like you am only young, so its your choice, forgive her and give it a go and see how far you can trust her or consider that it can never be the same, because time never truely heals that pain. It fades but never goes away,

 

Dont rush the decision take your time and make the right one FOR YOU!

[Shane7]

Thanks for the wonderful reply Lee..

 

What is STILL strange about this situation though, is that EVERYONE is insisting that she actually does care about me. Believe that or not. The school counselor, our mutual friends, damn near everyone wants me to accept that as truth. And I'm not going to lie, sometimes she makes it seem that such is very much the case..

 

However, I guess this all stretches back to trust, and SHE shattered that. I did nothing wrong here. If I can't truly believe that she "loved" me, as she said she did, or even stepping it down a bit, that she truly "cared" for me, that isn't my problem. It is her own. She broke the bonds. (Of course, there are other reasons for cheating beyond just obvious ones. Maybe she has deep self-confidence issues. Maybe she's extremely selfish or of a very weak moral fiber. Maybe she handles her alcohol poorly along with her thought process in general.. Who knows. She's never been able to give a reason, and she swears up and down that she never had any intention of hurting me, at all. If I was there, apparently this "never would have happened." Well, thats a little beyond the point, isn't it? *chuckles*)

 

Am I not correct?

 

 

 

 

Good on you Shane, You will hurt, but you will heal too, both emotionally and physically.

When we are emotionally strong, physically we seem to be able to cope with physical illnesses better (in my limited experience).

 

As much as you hurt now for what she has done to you, hopefully you will come out of the other side of this time with the realization that if she cheats once chances are she will do it again.

You will never be able to trust her 100%, (atleast i wouldnt).

She had just sat with you in hospital and then went out and did this, drinking is no excuse for cheating.

Cheating only occurs when there is something else going on in the background, unfortunately alcohol can bring these issues to the surface.

 

When i am drunk, my friends tell me to shut up because i constantly sing my partners praises, not looking for someone to snuggle up to.

 

When you see her you might feel like you are dying inside, but each time you do see her hopefully you will get stronger and stronger untill the point where you feel very little. (if anything).

 

Standing up to her took strength and you should be proud of yourself.

 

When you feel weak come here and vent it does make you feel better.

[Shane7]

Basically, my question is..

 

Can someone honestly cheat on someone, but still care deeply about the one they hurt? Is that possible at all? Any former cheaters have any thoughts about this??

 

I mean, hey... I know that what is done, is done. Our relationship is very much OVER. And yes, it will remain as such. However, it would help with the pain if I could at least assume she actually does care about me..at least some. That i wasn't just some worthless tool...