12asdfg Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 my girlfriend and i have been dating for over a year. before her the farthest i had gone with a girl was kissing. she was a virgin too but had gone further than i had. after about 3 months of dating we had done everything but sex. we made out/fooled around a lot but we only went beyond that a few times. in the past few months however we have not done anything. it seems like every time we have a chance to be alone she avoids it at all costs. she flirts with me and teases me, but when we get into a situation where we are actually alone she always thinks up some excuse to leave or something else to do. i talked to her once about it and she said that she thought we had gone to far to fast. now i think she is afraid to do anything with me because she is afraid it might lead to sex. i told her that i have no problem waiting for sex and i have never pressured her into doing it, but she still seems afraid. also she is not a very sexual person, so us not doing anything for the last couple months does not bother her at all. i on the other hand am very sexual and it drives me crazy to not be able to do anything with her. i love her very much and we get along great and almost never argue, but lately i feel like we might as well be just friends, because we never do anything. how do i make her feel comfortable enough to be alone with me again while still encouraging her to be more sexual? i would love it if just once she would come on to me.
IrishCarBomb Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 She's a virgin... STOP BEING A SELFISH A-HOLE. You "love" her but without sex you are just friends? Quit pressuring her for sex. You say you don't want to pressure her, but that's exactly what you're doing. She doesn't tease you, and she isn't ok with not doing it, she's just scared about it. If you can't respect her position, do not sleep with her. Go find some easy slut to sleep with.
oppath Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 He's not a selfish ******* for wanting sex from his girlfriend. I don't think he should be content with the relationship if he wants it to progress to a sexual level and she does not. He is not wrong for wanting that, neither is she for not wanting it. The way I see it, he is ready for sex, and he wants it to be with her because he loves and cares about her. I don't believe in the "if you love her you will respect her" train of thought. He can have feelings for her but be unhappy because they aren't moving forward sexually. I think he has every right to push her for sex...once or twice, but then he needs to leave the relationship if he is not getting his needs met. It sounds like he wants his girlfriend to treat him like the sexual being that he is as a person. It doesn't sound like she even initiates making out, petting, and touching, and oral. Now maybe, his actions turn her off. But maybe, he is not getting his needs for intimacy met by her. My perspective is that he wants to share himself with her sexually, that he wants to experience that with her, as a way of being intimate with her. I'd honestly leave the relationship if she is unwilling to be more sexual. It's perfectly suitable to leave a relationship if you want to take the next step and have intercourse and the girl does not want to. Sucks to be her, but it is valid. Progressing physically is part of progressing emotionally. The relationship as a whole is not progressing.
mattea Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 i don't think it's selfish to want to have a physical (affectionate and sexual) relationship with your partner either. the poster said he wasn't pushing for sex and told her he had no problem waiting. but it sounds like she doesn't want to even make out or fool around (without it leading to intercourse). these are things they've done in the past, and now she's avoiding them. there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting affection, kissing, some amount of fooling around (even if not intercourse) in a relationship. especially one that has lasted over a year! it sounds like she is afraid because maybe she doesn't trust herself or you to keep it from going farther and she's still not ready for sex. she doesn't trust one or both of you to not "lose control". can you think of any reason she might feel that way? or maybe she feels guilty/ashamed about how far things have already gone so she avoids the situations all together to keep from feeling bad about it. does she hold strong moral beliefs about being sexual? like she doesn't want to before marriage or something?
Author 12asdfg Posted December 8, 2007 Author Posted December 8, 2007 first of all, to irishcarbomb, i am still a virgin and like i said i have no problem waiting for sex. in fact, before i met her i wanted to wait until marriage to do anything. in the begining of the relationship it was her who pushed me to go farther than i wanted. when i realized that i was not meeting her needs i decided that i would do whatever she wanted in order to make her happy. i by no means am trying to get her to have sex, or even go as far as we have in the past if that makes her uncomfortable, but the most i ever get now is a goodnight kiss, and that is driving me crazy. mattea pretty much hit the nail on the head. a few months ago we hooked up and we almost had sex. in fact she asked if we could but i didnt have a condom, so we didnt. we talked about this later and she said she was really scared at how close we had come to actually doing it. now, just like mattea said, she probably doesnt trust either of us not to lose control. before this point we had never talked about sex, so i had no idea how she felt. if i would of known then i would have never let it gone that far. how do i let her know she can trust me to not lose control even if she cannot trust herself?
mattea Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 we talked about this later and she said she was really scared at how close we had come to actually doing it. now, just like mattea said, she probably doesnt trust either of us not to lose control. before this point we had never talked about sex, so i had no idea how she felt. if i would of known then i would have never let it gone that far. how do i let her know she can trust me to not lose control even if she cannot trust herself? i think you should tell her exactly what you said here. open the lines of communication more about this. tell her again that you are absolutely fine with not having sex yet, but that you miss being able to have an affectionate/sensual/physical relationship beyond what you have now. make a pact with her that you will not have sex until you are both ready. that means being able to say you are ready when you are NOT in the heat of the moment.
Sunblast Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 I dunno how guys deal with this. I have like a 2-3 date limit on sex, and I think it's a hella healthy thing to do, and it works pretty well, too. Oh, and dude, OP: virgins are shy and scared about sex, and they are naturally hesitant. But they want to **** and they want to be guided - by a man - through the whole experience. Taken by the hand and guided through, and shown how safe and fun it can be. After that, they get more open and more slutty. So that's your job, OP. If she is genuinely worried or shy, be patient but consistent and consistently push boundaries without scaring her and you'll have sex. AND she'll love you, too, because you'll be her first. (Unless you REALLY **** it up, so don't. First time is about HER. Not about you getting off. AT ALL.)
Trezza Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 If you are not getting what you want from the relationship, then move on!
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