JustSomeGirl Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 I'm a newbie to the forum and I wasn't sure where to put this but I guess this is appropriate (although I am not cheating) Here's the situation...I have been married for six years to a wonderful, sweet man. We have a small child and both do very well in our careers. We have had some small problems - just like anyone - over the years but all in all a solid relationship. The past year and a half has been especially challenging and we are trying our best to work through it. One of my best friends happens to be male and we have known each other since Junior High School....a very long time. We have seen each other through deaths, pregancy, marriage, (his) divorce...this man knows more about me than anyone in the world...the really 'bottom of the barrel' stuff and the really good stuff. We did date in high school, then again in college, then again later in life...and although we were very much in love (and have always loved each other) the timing always seemed wrong. He did propose to me a few times but we never married and I admit, I screwed up along the way a few times, but we always remained close. I moved away from my hometown and almost one year to the day that I left, he married someone else. I was upset but understood that he needed to move on because I was trying on my new life as well. Anyway, I could go on and on but the situation is this....about three years ago, he divorced (the wife cheated on him and got pregnant by the lover - he did not cheat!). We have remained friends (just friends) all of this time and we still live across the country from each other. I even have tried setting him up with people since I still have family and friends back home where he lives! The past seven months, for some reason, we started to talk about 'us'....what could've been...just basic stuff about old times. I didn't encourage this because I am trying to work on my marriage. So the bottom line is I am eaten up with guilt now because I do have feelings for him...I am still in love with him...and he is absolutely still in love with me. We are so torn up about this and NOTHING physical has happened nor will we allow it to (his wife really hurt him when she cheated and I do not want to hurt my husband...never cheated nor do I want to). I guess I just want to hear from people out there in a similar situation...or someone older and wiser to just give me some direction. We are old enough (mid-30's) not to be immature about this and that is why we are taking this so seriously...if we are to be together then it would have to be later down the line...and it would have to be long-distance because he has primary custody of his young child and I refuse to leave my child. Thanks for letting me vent...
whichwayisup Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 The thing is, you may not be physically cheating, but you are cheating emotionally with intent! Because of those feelings, you two are in dangerous territory and crossing lines big time! If your husband had a long time friendship with another woman, like the type of friendship you have with your guy friend, filled with love, talking about feelings, wanting more but the timing was off and the 'what if I wasn't married, we'd be together" talk, how would you feel if you found that out? Fact that you are considering being with him at some point in the future just means that you are not focused on your husband, let alone your marriage and your family life. Your emotionally involved and attached to someone else who is not your husband. Can I ask? How is your marriage? Does your husband make you happy? Because if you continue down this path you're on, you will end up hurting your husband more...You are hurting him and doing damage to your relationship with him, even if he isn't aware of it (yet), though I'm sure he knows something doesn't feel right but more than likely has dismissed it to stress and other stuff...
Touche Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Why are you even thinking of "down the line?" You either commit yourself fully to the marriage or this is going to be a very bad thing for your marriage. I also strongly, strongly advise against any email contact. It's a very slippery slope. And you don't want to go there. I also want to mention that in my experience, you're not only at a dangerous age but also at a point in your marriage when you can be at a higher risk for an affair. You CAN get past this. Marriages go through different stages. You really don't want to risk losing that sweet husband and breaking up your family with this guy. Also, I highly doubt this is "love." People grow and change. I mean what do you really know about each other now? And there was probably a good reason why you never married him. Please think this through very carefully. You have only one choice here - and that's to end all contact. Otherwise, trust me, you're playing with fire. Good luck. And keep posting. You'll find lots of support here.
Author JustSomeGirl Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 Thanks WhichWayisUp and Touche...I appreciate it. I think I already knew the answer but sometimes you just have to hear it. It's very strange to have this happen to you when you never thought you would be in this situation. But, I've kinda brought it on myself, didn't I? I have some soul-searching to do....
Touche Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Thanks WhichWayisUp and Touche...I appreciate it. I think I already knew the answer but sometimes you just have to hear it. It's very strange to have this happen to you when you never thought you would be in this situation. But, I've kinda brought it on myself, didn't I? I have some soul-searching to do.... Anytime. And if you need a place to sort this all out and vent, come here. You can get through this. Don't be hard on yourself. You're only human. All of us in long-term marriages have to deal with temptation every now and then. It's up to you what you do about it.
Sierra Sunrise Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 You have a lot of soul searching to do. Do you or your spouse attend church or have you discussed maybe some marital counseling. I know it's cliche to mention the counseling because that's what comes to mind most all the time on these forums but it really does help and it works but you have to have the mindset for it and be ready for it. My take on it is while you're soul searching you need to maybe write down all the reasons you married your husband and the reasons you didn't marry the OM. There has to be reasons or your union would have successfully went through a long time ago. I know that you may have feelings for this person and sometimes that's normal but what sets you apart from emotional cheating and just having feelings is that you don't talk about them and your spouse is always in the forefront of the situation and not on the back burner. Trust me I learned my lessons and I came out a bit bruised but I came out of everything alright. I'm a reformed cheater. You have to be willing 100% to put your all into your marriage and as hard as it may seem you need to really go NC with this guy. Explain it to him as best you can and tactfully and if he really loves you and is your friend then he'll respect you and maybe you two can resume a friendship when you're stronger in your marriage and he has moved on. However after the counseling and everything if you still feel your marriage can not be saved and reconciled then I suggest you file for a D and get individual counseling and deal with everything first before you even attempt to be with someone else. Resolve residual feelings and your mindset. Then if you two still want to be together and everything is clear, ie no significant others, then I see no problem with it. But you can't have the OM in your life while you're trying to make your marriage work. It just doesn't work like that. Turning to another man and speaking to him about your troubles isn't a wise move when you should be turning to your husband. I'm not berating you, just trying to help. Good luck to you.
cj1988 Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 There are a lot of GOOD people on this site that will help you, they will be brutally honest, so beware. Sometimes it will seem they are attacking you, but they are not, just simply trying to open your eyes....I know they have mine and I owe them my sanity ! You will get addicted to this site and learn more about LOVE and life and mostly yourself than you have ever known.....good luck and remember, how would feel if you H did this to YOU? That will stop you in your tracks most of the time !
reboot Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 We are so torn up about this and NOTHING physical has happened nor will we allow it to Do not bet your family on this. I've heard it so many times, the supreme confidence of people who believe they are firmly in control of every situation, but the road to hell might be paved with your good intentions. My own wife's story is not entirely the same as yours, but there are similarities, most particularly the quote above. She was wrong about that, and very nearly destroyed her family. Think hard about what you want. Is it the life you've built with what sounds like a good man, a (in your own words) "solid relationship", or some fond memory that may be little more than a fantasy now.
Cobra_X30 Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 I am still in love with him...and he is absolutely still in love with me. We are so torn up about this and NOTHING physical has happened nor will we allow it to (his wife really hurt him when she cheated and I do not want to hurt my husband...never cheated nor do I want to). If you cannot walk away from him... complete no contact right now... then you are not in control. To be honest... it's the usage of the word WE which gets me worried. Shared control is no control.
Frances Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 JustSomeGirl An affair does not have to be physical to cause harm in a marriage. In fact a long term EA can often cause more damage. You are getting yourself into very deep waters. In a way this is fantasy because you are bored in your marriage. This happens in long term marriages and you have to make a choice to live in the real world. The day to day routine in our lives make us want to escape from it sometimes. We need to look at what we risk by taking the chances you are taking at the moment. The hurt from an EA that the BS suffers is absolutely dreadful. Would you wish that on your H. Think long and hard about this. Is is worth destroying what you have with your h. As Lady Jane says "We do not stay in the marriage because of the kids but we should work on the marriage for their sake" Good luck
silktricks Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 JSG, as everyone else has already said, you are borrowing trouble. You may have an emotional investment in this man, but that investment pales in comparison to the investment you have in your husband, marriage and children. As Reboot said, the people who are often most at risk for having an affair are those who so adamantly say that they would NEVER do it. And as others have said, you are already in the throws of an Emotional Affair or EA. An EA is devastatingly damaging to the partner, and often EA's - especially long-distance EA's - are built primarily upon fantasy. The OW is not someone you have seen for many years, right? But contact has been kept up. What seems to be the case in these long-distance relationships (on the part of both of you) is that you tend to invest in the EA partner all of the things you find "missing" in your real partner. If your real partner (in a very simplistic example) doesn't take out the trash, but it's important to you that the trash be taken out, you will be positive that your affair partner would take out the trash. And in fact, you may even ask the long-distance person if they would take out the trash. They would answer, well of course they would take out the trash. But the reality is that in real-life they may not take it out, for one of a million little reasons - just as your current real partner doesn't take it out for one of a million little reasons. Anyway, my point is the same as everyone elses. Take care of your real, good partner. Take care of your marriage. Let the other man know that things have taken a turn that is not good for your marriage, and as he's been in your husband's position, he should understand that you both must let go. Best of luck to you.
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 I already knew where this was going the second you started talking about your special 'friend' from years ago. Saw it a mile away. Gosh, everything becomes so cliche when you read it enough times on these boards. You've basically stated that the only reason you're not with this guy is because he's across the country and won't leave his kid. When you peel away all the sugar-coating about not wanting to hurt your husband etc. etc., the simple truth is that DISTANCE has made your decision FOR you. If the guy were right next door, you'd already be in the midst of a physical affair - I'd bet my house on it. As the others have mentioned, it's highly selfish of you and completely unfair to stay married to your husband when you're claiming to be in love with someone else. If those are your feelings, then those are your feelings and you own them. But how would you like it if your husband was claiming love for someone else while smiling at you every day and making YOU think he loved only you? It's pretty da*mned crappy to do to anyone. ANYONE.
Author JustSomeGirl Posted December 10, 2007 Author Posted December 10, 2007 I can't believe that by coming to a forum I feel so much better. Some of your responses were hard to read - but after thinking about it over the weekend - I think that most of you are correct. I would feel pretty crappy if my husband were hanging on to feelings of an old flame...or even talking to her about 'moving on'. That puts it into perspective, huh? So, my husband and I had a looooong talk this weekend about where we are, where we are going and everything in-between and I have to say, I feel better about our marriage than I have in about a year. He has finally agree to go to counseling - which he kept insisting we didn't need. As for my friend....well, I'm not quite sure what to do...
reboot Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Excellent, excellent, excellent. We men may seem like total emotional clods, but when presented with the stark reality that we might be about to lose everything, we can become pretty fearsome in the fight to save it. Give him the chance and you might be surprised how far he'll go. As for your friend....you owe him an explanation....at best. He is not your husband, he is not the father of your child, he is not the one you said "forever" to. If he truely cares about you, he will be happy for you. If he isn't, he isn't really your "friend".
Cobra_X30 Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 As for my friend....well, I'm not quite sure what to do... Time to let go. As for your friend....you owe him an explanation....at best. He is not your husband, he is not the father of your child, he is not the one you said "forever" to. If he truely cares about you, he will be happy for you. If he isn't, he isn't really your "friend". Yup, if he is a decent person... he will not get in the way of your happiness. If your Husband is committed to working on the marriage... you must be also, otherwise whats the point?
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